doctorsmoothlove

"Scarecrow Slayer" is the second film in The Asylum's Scarecrow series, and is directed by company founder David Latt. It is ostensibly a sequel to the original "Scarecrow," yet has no connections to the original other than the main actor.

The original Scarecrow film felt bifurcated into two short films edited together. The first half was relentlessly brutal to and the second half was a comedy. The Scarecrow assumed the role of Freddie Krueger and killed all bad guys and then some. Scarecrow Slayer is at least more consistent. He was funny and had martial arts skills. The film isn't that enjoyable at any point. The scarecrow when he does show up does little aside from kill victims like any other slasher antihero.

The film opens with a flashback in which Tony Todd's (yes, that Tony Todd) father is killed by a scarecrow that comes to life. The child grows up convinced that the Scarecrow is real and records his thoughts in audiobooks. Eventually and conveniently the scarecrow returns as the resurrected soul of a college kid hung out as part of a prank. The scarecrow attacks Tony and then stalks the main heroine who was his girlfriend during natural life in a hospital and then a frat house. The fraternity brothers apparently have military experience and weapons which of course do nothing.

The film has one cool scene. The scarecrow's creation can apparently be replicated under the correct settings like how Michael Meyers is controlled in Halloween 6 as the spirit of Samhain. A second scarecrow is created, and the two fight. I don't believe any of these low budget scarecrow films have scarecrows fighting. It would have been more amusing has the scarecrow been sarcastic as he was in the first film. Even real marital arts films have grunts and kicking sound effects.

Director Latt shoots the film at night with good use of open space or neon lights in the field and hospital. The film invokes for experienced horror viewers the sensation of dread that better films convey. The scarecrow could be in any location or pop out of a corner. He didn't enough for my taste as I found myself muting the DVD to simply observe the scenery. None of the actors save Todd are notable or talented. The main actress was hired for her appearance and has few other acting credits. I say pass unless you're marathoning scarecrow films as I am presently.

"Scarecrow" is now a forgotten film from the early 2000s with the most generic title. I suppose it's an accurate title at least. However, I usually think that a film called "Scarecrow" would take place in a rural setting. This film mostly takes place in a high school setting.

The film feels like two features edited into one. The first half is about a high school student named Lester who is mercilessly bullied by everyone in his life including his mother and her boyfriend. Lester seeks refuge in drawing images of birds, an oddly specific hobby that serves no purpose. His only comfort is that one of the popular girls (Tiffany Shepsis) occasionally sticks up for him. Of course, Lester observes her out of context making out with a jock. Lester is eventually killed by his mother's boyfriend and resurrected via a Faustian bargain as the titular character. The second half of the film is a slasher retread of a Nightmare on Elm Street sequel. I suppose this film most rip-offs the Crow more than any other. The scarecrow kills everyone and then some save the hot girl.

The film is unnecessarily cruel to Lester. It plays as if the director had some vendetta against the main character. The film successfully creates a lot of empathy for the main character then emotionally makes a 180 so now the puny Lester murders everyone. I think it would have been better had Lester summoned the scarecrow rather than become him. Perhaps he could have defeated it, shown his worth to the survivors and had an arc. Instead as the Scarecrow, Lester's personality changes into a snarky Freddie rip-off. At least he is more acrobatic than Freddie. The actor is a gymnast who does one impressive martial arts stunt. The actor actually designed the mask Scarecrow wears.

The director shot the entirety of this film in a few days. They obviously didn't have time to create a coherent story. It's too bad the entirety of the film wasn't about the Scarecrow. His dialogue is amusing enough to watch later at night and for an hour. Without any impressive kills either, this one is best left out in the field.

Effective and crude is how I would summarize "Scarecrows" from 1988. This work is less a film than an near exercise in genre style. What images we see are simultaneously memorable for the good makeup and gore and instantly forgettable due to the lack of any kind of story. The store we do have is that a group of thieves have stolen a large sum of money and crash land in a field. The field has a farmhouse in which a family once lived. The family members still live there just outside on the land as scarecrows ... scarecrows who don't like visitors!

The film follows the slasher cycle where the ruffians are summarily picked off. Interestingly the film explores the idea that the land is cursed somehow. One of the men is possessed in the manner of a Deadite. The dialog and scenery during these scenes is at the same level of effectiveness as the original Evil Dead. Unlike that film this one cannot sustain the intensity to sustain its total lack of story. Perhaps the scarecrows were merely there when the family was killed, and the evil spirits placed their bodies inside the scarecrows.

We see several good shots of the scarecrows though most show them on the poles. The camera lingers on their faces too much for my taste. I wanted to see more of their costuming. The movie is also too dark. The darkness obscures the scenery to the point, you may not fully make out where on the farm they are. That's another big problem. The characters spend much time attempting to locate a plane yet we have no sense of perspective of the plane's location on the farm. Obviously, the lack of budget tied the director's hands somewhat.

Today this film lies buried in an out of print Mill Creek Entertainment box set and a much higher quality MGM DVD and Blu Ray that are also out of print. I cannot recommend the Mill Creek release as it is unwatchable. Should the film ever be re-released, I'd suggest trying to watch it. As of the date of this review, the film can be seen on TUBI in the USA.

"American Scarecrow" is released by Wild Eye Releasing, a studio that focuses on modern Z-grade horror films. Many of these films are dumped on Tubi with little prospect for appreciation. It's a shame too. This particular movie is higher quality than many of the studio's output. It also contains little of the "wink and nod" humor that plagues these movies.

Director Steve Lustgarten opens the movie with a bank appraiser visiting an abandoned farmhouse that has fallen into foreclosure. The camera follows behind the man and into a well taking on a the role of a ghost he cannot see but we can. Eventually, the man is assaulted by someone or something coming out from behind a barn corner. The bank sends a construction team out to investigate and possibly renovate the house. After much time, the titular scarecrow steps out and starts murdering the team. Oh, and his little sister is there too.

The scarecrow torments anyone who visits the home starting with his own and his sister's abusive parents. His means of doing so involve all the standard fare. He stabs and stalks like the best of 80s slashers. The film's low budget helps immensely here to create atmosphere when the killing starts. The killing takes place at night, and the limited lighting only illuminates the focal point of each image. Some light is on the edge of the actors. It reminds me of watching older Italian horror movies in which fog was used to hide the cheap sets. The film may have been shot on 35 mm or if it wasn't a filter was used to invoke grain. This gives the movie a dreamy quality that disavows realism. The movie feels like this kind of movie should despite being made in 2020 and not 1985. Unfortunately, it takes too long too for the Scarecrow to get there with little nudity or other intrigue along the way. The little sister character is amusing yet insufficient to keep us involved especially for the scant 71 minute runtime. If you enjoy killer scarecrow movies, this is a better one.

You have to give "Bride of Scarecrow" some credit for reviving albeit not classically the monster seeking marriage subgenre. I struggle to think how such a movie could exist in today's politically correct world. Women were props in those movies as much as the rubber suits.

This entry by director Louisa Warren feels modernized by its heroine sacrificing herself in order to destroy the monster. Her lover feels relatively useless and isn't even killed off. Instead he suffers a stab wound while failing to save her.

The film begins by the main character learning she has inherited a farm from a distant family member. The farm is stalked by the ghost of a former owner who was killed along with his fiancee for a crime he did not commit. Instead of haunting the nearby town, he waits for anyone to visit and kills them. It makes one wonder how did anyone build a modern house while also keeping horses and chickens? Why does the film establish that being inside the house is safe to later disregard its own logic when the scarecrow enters the house?

Plot holes and inconsistencies are so obvious that any viewer is left thinking the screenwriter is as incompetent as Ed Wood. In spite of that the film avoids boredom with its use of color and sound. Scenes within the house can be deep shades of blue or orange for seemingly no reason at all. In a bad movie such as this, I appreciated having a distraction. I will point out for anyone watching the Region 1 DVD that some compression artifacts are distracting in the character's hair during the neon color scenes.

The actors are regulars to the director and most of them are convincing enough to keep us engaged in the narrative. The director can at least build some tension by flashing back to past events. Blood stains can apparently remain on the premises a very long time. The film's plot and pacing are reminiscent of "Dark Harvest" from several years ago which is much worse than this film. This movie could have used more victims or a faster pace.

Dark Harvest is a film many have seen at video stores and public libraries for over 20 years now. The DVD cover (at least in North America) features a villainous looking figure that could be the nemesis of a superhero. Pity that the actual film isn't nearly as impressive.

The film takes place in "West Virgina," and that typographical error is indicative of the quality of the remaining film. A young man inherits a farm from a distant relative and travels with his friends to visit it. Many years ago his relative did some vaguely evil activity to always have a full crop of corn growing during drought. Apparently the curse was so effective corn can grow several decades after his death.

After 50 minutes of this 80-ish minute film (not including credits), the killings begin. A bunch of evil scarecrows proceed to take out the main characters nameless friends. The deaths are sufficiently gory if that interests you. The tedium leading up to the scarecrow attacks is the biggest issue. Nothing happens. The script has this weird preference for obviously out of place jokes. Given the non-actors employed these lines fall flat, eliminating any atmosphere.

The film looks ugly especially if watching the DVD on a 4k television. I kept feeling that something was wrong with my TV as I couldn't address the pixelation. The film was shot in 16 mm and blown up to 35 mm. That and the out-of-focus shots make the movie an exercise of patience for most. I only recommend if marathoning scarecrow movies as I am now.

"Shark Hunter" is another early 2000s unofficial MEG ripoff. Steve Alten's novel from the 1990s has been the source of countess films since its publication. Without knowing history one might perceive the actual MEG film as itself being derivative of these earlier less inspiring works. This film is at least superior to "Megalodon" from 2002 which is an unwatchable mess.

The plot is supremely stupid. An engineer/college lecturer experiences a traumatic experience on a boat as a child. A sea creature of some sort attacks his parents' boat. No joke, the man genuinely believes that this animal was the extinct megalodon. He apparently spent his youth convincing the government that it should spend millions of dollars for his vessel which also happens to be the world's best submersible. Of course, not only is there a living megalodon but it attacks the vessel.

As I have described this movie, you might be thinking it is unintentionally hilarious. It really isn't. Christian Toulali portrays the main character with such sincerity that the man's obsession overcomes the lazy writing. The film may have been lucky but it just works. Grand Bush portrays his rival on the submersible as a sailor with a lack of respect for the egghead professor who doesn't know the ocean. The interaction is derivative of Quint and Hooper yet works in a similar way (though much less effectively due to the lack of interaction.) Antonio Sabato, Jr. Is listed as the title actor but he's really a supporting character who is unimportant to the narrative.

The film's sets are well done. The corridors have the kind of claustrophobic narrowness you expect. The main room where the submersible launches has weird green dye in the water that shouts out "This is a low budget shark movie!" The shark looks terrible and can shrink in size when convenient to rip off the iconic death from Deep Blue Sea.

Should you choose to watch this movie, I suggest rewatching the MEG film from a few years ago first and then comparing how similar this one is to it. It might be more fun that the film is on its own.

"The Reef: Stalked" is a sequel to a now largely forgotten film from a decade ago (as of the time of this review. This time director Andrew Traucki makes a film unbound by the loose history that limited the original. Both films are generic shark survival films. This sequel at least offers the opportunity for some limited character development.

The film opens with four women returning from a diving trip. They take a group photo and one of the husbands greets them in the parking lot. She is Kath, the sister of the main character, Nic. Kath's husband is an abuser and later drowns her in the family bathtub. Nic discovers the body and becomes traumatized by the sight. Not traumatized enough to avoid future diving trips. She and her other sister visit two friends (from the original group) on a new adventure a year later. A shark stalks the group and eats one them while attacking a few others. Eventually, the group kills the shark in a convoluted manner not unlike the ending of "The Shallows."

Traucki is a technically competent filmmaker. He is able to build tension with the use of a good score. You are never entirely sure when or how the shark will attack. The group is never far from the beach yet it doesn't affect our ability to feel engaged. Nic constantly sees flashbacks of her sister drowning in the bathtub. This motif adds some agency on her part when she concocts the plan to kill the shark. The film never comes close to the character study of "Jaws," but is a huge improvement over the original where the cast was shark bait.

This film and the original are also worth comparing for their appearance. The original was shot on 35 mm film while the new one is digital. Digital films have a lifelike look to them I don't like for monster films. Traucki knows this and either uses real shark footage or limits the shark's appearance due to how low quality the CGI is compared to the lifelike actors. The original doesn't have this issue to the same extent as 35 mm has an artificiality to its look that we associate with cinema. I can enjoy a shark movie more when I don't think that the shark is really in the ocean where I swim.

Every year a new batch of low budget shark films is released by the major studios. One might hope that with reputable backing some of these films would be tolerable. "Maneater" by its generic title isn't one of those movies. It's wretched even to look at. The best and only redeeming feature is the beautiful Hawaiian backdrop of the picture, which you can easily see in dozens of other films.

The plot is inconsequential. A big share eats a surfer and some other young people. A grizzled combat veteran played by Trace Atkins (the country music star) chases after it while the shark munches on a group of 40-year-olds in their mid-20s.

The film's sound mixing is some of the worst I've seen of a "major" studio release. The picture has music that plays so loudly dialog is difficult to hear. The dialog is nothing impressive as there is no story or attempt to build characters. At one point you can see a woman's voice box stuff in her bikini bottom!

My favorite part is when the Trace Atkins character fires a shot gun at the shark movie than a dozen times without reloading. The obvious blank sound produced by the fake bullets is the cherry on top.

Perhaps the worst part of this miserable picture is the last 15 minutes being devoted to setting up an obvious sequel that we will see in a few years. The story ends when another character asks Trace for help. I would pass if I were him as I would if I were you. Some low quality films can be fun to watch and laugh at with friends. This one is so bad that the times when you laugh don't outweigh the tedium of enduring until those parts.

Dragon Crusaders" is a fantasy film by The Asylum filmed in the United Kingdom. People often overlook that when unburdened by its primary business strategy of producing tie-ins to blockbusters, the studio can produce enjoyable films. This happens to be one as is its sister film "Merlin and the War of the Dragons." Not good by an objective standard when comparing to other fantasy films or even within the context of B films generally. The film is merely enjoyable because one has the impression that the director and the actors had a goal of telling a story and they succeed with enough conviction to allow the viewer to overlook many shortcomings.

The story is inconsequential. A group of templar knights attempt to rescue a village and a maiden trapped on their ship. She has cursed the ship to cause anyone who enters it to be turned into a gargoyle if he is evil. The knights are thus cursed and set out to find a cure. Eventually, they learn the cure involves killing a dragon and a sorcerer who have taken residence to the mountains in the north.

The group is accompanied by a swordswoman who is a professional stuntwoman. The actor can convincingly fight in a manner that is reminiscent of martial arts films. Her talent really helps overcome the poor pageantry of everyone else. Her first scene is edited to pieces with all the jump cuts one would expect of modern action films. As the film progresses, it becomes less difficult to follow. It is almost as if the editor learned his craft as the film was edited in order.

The film benefits from the beautiful natural scenery and the portion filmed within a real castle. It is a bit distracting to see modern clothing (sweatpants on the pirates) during one such segment. It's also odd that hardly anyone seems to bleed when stabbed but that is mostly due to the mandatory made-for-tv limitations.

The film features a main heroine who wears the nearly provocative cleavage-bearing top that doesn't show enough. The actor playing her is competent as giving the character an innocence that makes the chaste love story seem believable. Sometimes the illusion of a good film is good enough especially for free on Tubi.

"Romulus and the Sabines" is a relatively obscure peplum film starring Roger Moore as the titular Romulus in the real-life story of how the Romans kidnapped women from the Sabine nation during the very early days of Rome. If you live in the United States or have access to a VPN, you can watch the film on many free streaming services. It is also part of Mill Creek's out-of-print "Warriors" DVD set. Be warned that the image quality is very bad.

The film suffers from the lack of plot that many films of this genre have. It opens with the Romans riding along a river with no context. We are not told who the "Romans" even are. An understanding of history is required to have an idea of what's happening. Romulus visits the Sabine ruler to ask nicely for access to his women. When he refuses Romulus returns under the guise of throwing a big party. The Sabines become too drunk to realize that their women are being kidnapped. The Sabines return, actors bop each other for a while and the film just ends in a manner wholly unsatisfying to the real-life history.

There is no consistent tone. The reality was surely terrifying for the women involved. Yet, the kidnapping has a light-heartedness about it as if the Romans are involved in a college prank. The women even get to choose their husbands and are undisturbed after being forcibly extracted from their homeland. The comedy contrasts poorly with the real-life sexual violence that surely happened.

Moore as Romulus is competent with how inconsistent the writing is. He is imposing as the leader of a military expedition and governor in some scenes. Alternatively, he is quite wooden in the many romance scenes in the film. It is hard to believe he would later be cast as James Bond. For whatever reason he has two love interests, one of whom is abandoned for plot convenience early in the film. This is a catalyst for the later conflict that isn't necessary. It just leaves you thinking he is a dick.

The film's greatest comedy is actually the dream sequence in which Romulus's "father" Mars and Venus come to him in his dreams to try and persuade his behavior. They are the angel and devil on the shoulder you see in the cartoons. The interchange is the closest thing the film has to real history in that the Roman gods were often very human in their mannerisms. The scene could easily be a conversation about the myth of Romulus a real Roman would have someone in school.

"2012: Ice Age" is now a forgotten film from the Asylum's middle period made to capitalize on the Hollywood film of similar name. In fact, several other films with that title were released in that year (2011). This particular entry seems to specifically parallel the first half of "The Day After Tomorrow" in which a family rescues the daughter trapped in New York City with her boyfriend.

The plot is particularly silly. For whatever reason the world is cooling. A bomb must be dropped on the glacier to stop it somehow. Honestly, these films take the scientific mumbo jumbo to a level that's seems intentionally intelligible. The hero works for a weather research institute with his wife and sets up to find the daughter who he casually ignores earlier in the film.

The film moves at a breakneck pace. If these films make you feel like you've been dropped in the middle of a TV season, this film is especially so. The studio sems to operate with the premise that if it isn't shoving dialog in your face constantly, you will become bored and turn the channel. Watching on a streaming service (TUBI to be precise) leaves a feeling of exhaustion. The story never has the time to stew. We never experience how the world of this film experiences a disaster.

This exhaustion problem is worsened by the constant closeups of the main characters faces. I recall numerous shots of the main hero in a vehicle. Close ups cost less money I suppose. We at least get a good freezing montage which is the best shot.

The main actors are competent and the film doesn't feel amateurish when they are onscreen. The bit players aren't as skilled. I didn't believe anyone in the fallout shelter.

The film is watchable if you are marathoning The Asylum's catalog. The studio definitely has better films even better cold weather disaster films. I was never bored so by that limited standard the film succeeds.

"The Cavalier" is one of 50 films on Mill Creek Entertainment's "Iron Fist Frenzy" box set. This film features Lieh Lo and another actor as mercenaries on the run from the Qing empire at the turn of the 20th century. They are also on the run from Nancy Yen's character who is a kung fu prodigy searching for a husband. Her grandfather says she will marry anyone who can beat her. One of the mercenaries challenges her to a duel and Lieh Lo ends up rescuing him from her. Therefore, he has earned the girl in a contest he didn't even know was happening.

The film is a series of chase sequences between Yen and her grandfather chasing the mercenaries who are also chasing the Qing. This a a comedic martial arts film and it often times feels like an unconnected series of events sewn together to make a feature. There are cartoony sound effects that I cannot tell are part of the original film or the expectedly awful dub.

At least the choreography with Yen is pleasant to watch. I had fun observing her somehow defeat men much older and bulkier than she. The ludicrousness of her victories goes on for nearly 20 minutes. The experience comes off more like watching someone dance than someone fight. The later sequences with her and the Qing after the three groups merge is more satisfying. Martial artists should feel the punches and kicks or we should think they do. Lo's work here is consistently unremarkable until the final sequence.

The film has a big pacing issue with its comedy. Yen and her grandfather chase Lo through several venues. Some of these feature painfully unfunny characters who add nothing to the story. The brother own comes to mind. I feel like the film would have been better to have an actual story rather than loosely connected segments. The ending fight with the Qing baddie has no real context. Grandpa saves the viewer from confusion with an exposition dump.

I feel like I must address the image quality of the disc I watched. The film has not been restored at all and is crammed on a disc with many other movies. I think at least Mill Creek didn't just copy a VHS onto a DVD. The youtube version of this film looks equally as bad. I suggest watching on a CRT if you still have one for best experience.

"Swim" is the generically titled official debut of The Asylum on the streaming app TUBI. Many of the studio's films are already there, and this is the first time TUBI paid to have its own film produced. Fitting choice too. The Asylum produces many creature features and sharks are as popular as ever.

Jared Cohn directs and his experience, increased budget and time allotment make "The Swim" one of the better films the studio has produced recently. I would go so far as to say go out of your way to watch it if you are a shark movie fan.

The plot recalls "Crawl" with a shark getting into the house rather than an alligator. The house in question is a beach house in CA a family is renting from a scumbag. Scumbag won't repair leaky pipes and is properly eaten. Everyone you expect to be attacked is. Those who die are easy to predict though not all victims do. The pleasure in the film is that the studio finally has the money to make the special effects look at least as good as "Deep Blue Sea" did twenty-one years ago.

Cohn drenches his movie in constant rain, a modern variation of the smoke effect often seen in older films. Here it's tied in with the plot. Rising flood water allows a shark to enter the basement, conveniently flooded due to leaky pipes.

The actors are all competent. The film oddly portrays "grandpa" as a retired doctor barely 60 years old. I found it hard to believe that he would have a grandchild entering college. He must have found time for his family and why wouldn't he? The main female actors are constantly in bikinis. The main guy always wears a tight swimsuit too.

Objectively, "Swim" isn't a good film. It is the among the best of a B grade studio whose fans will enjoy it immensely.

"Christmas on the Vine" is one of Lifetime's 2020 Christmas films staring Julianna Guill and Liam Boland as a marketing firm and vineyard employee. His company hires her to boost their flagging sales and stave off bankruptcy. His local business cannot compete with larger wineries especially when they lack a distributor.

After last year's film, "Grounded for Christmas," I was excited to see Guill in another film. Guill's smile and facial movements really helped convey the emotion her character was feeling as it played. She was so good there as a woman who gradually falls in love with a conflicted man. That film has a heartfelt story that takes time to develop. I praised it for not being a collection of scenes that serve as background distraction, a cinematic Christmas decoration if you will.

Such is my tremendous disappointment with "Christmas on the Vine." There is no real story. The characters engage in nearly every cliché: snowball fights, dancing, baking Christmas cookies, and planning a get-together. Eventually, Guill finds a secret recipe for blended wine and a new label which of course saves the winery. They don't even have to sell out to the stock villainess who suddenly reforms herself.

Guill acts cheerful and bubbly the entire movie. Her character never seems to change during the runtime. How could she really? Boland's character is temperamental and unpleasant starting with his appearance. I believe the film was going for a rustic look for him so his hair is always disheveled. He looks as if he just finished showering and his hair isn't completely dry or a gust of wind just ruined his hairdo. He does wear a hat in a few scenes that aren't long enough for my taste.

The movie is just another formulaic Christmas experience. Writing this review was hard because if you see a lot of these mediocre films together they all blend into one unsatisfying experience.

"Santa Girl" is an independent Christmas film produced in 2019. I became aware of it through a review posted on YouTube whose hosts are enthusiastic about how weird the movie is. I sought it out on Tubi and am pleased to say it is indeed very strange.

In this film Santa appears to be both a toy businessman and the traditional gift-giver we know him as. He is also a king since he refers to his daughter as a princess. Giving gifts away for free cuts into the bottom line and Santa agreed with Jack Frost to one day marry off his daughter, Cassie Clause, to Jack's son, Jack Jr. This is a major plot point that is never explained. Why would Santa agree to something that no civilized court would enforce? Does he have the ability prepare financial projections nearly twenty years in advance?

Cassie enrolls in a college in the United States, and Jack Frost Sr. hires a boy she likes, Sam, to spy on her. Jack Frost Sr. looks very creepy. His makeup is blue and dark like a sick version of Darth Maul. He has the characteristic that he has in "Santa Clause 3" where he makes everything cold when he enters. Unlike that movie where Jack Frost looks silly, here he is downright menacing. He even posts hurtful memes on reddit!

Cassie begins to spend time with a lanky, frat boy type called "J.R.," who ends up being Jack Frost, Jr. He isn't a bad guy despite his overt efforts to woo her. Cassie is inexperienced with me and interprets J.R. and Sam's mannerisms as friendship. All three of these characters interact naturally and the script gives Cassie time to get to know each of them. Cassie is more submissive to J.R. and more relaxed with Sam. The dynamic makes it hard for us to know which boy she should pick, if any. She has a constant elf companion, Pep, who serves as comic relief. The dialog she has and the delivery of it is wacky.

Pep's makeup is far less impressive than Jack Frost Sr. In one scene you can clearly see the plastic attachment on the actress' ear that makes them pointy. This is one of several indications that the film is low budget. Another instance is the poor CGI effort of Santa's flying sports car. Reindeer are too old school.

"Santa Girl" has a low-budget vibe about it that I found appealing after watching countless cookie cutter made-for-tv Christmas films. It's not essential viewing at all yet you'll admire if you find yourself watching it sometime.

Many years ago, I purchased a DVD set at Wal-Mart that had 8 Artisan films on it. Lionsgate had put out a DVD collection of them for the bargain bin after its acquisition of Artisan. I'm just now getting to them. Shame on me! I could have been watching and telling friends about the truly bad film "Junior" or "Engine Trouble." Get your popcorn ready for bad movie night!

This is one of those amazing bad movies in which nearly every aspect of it is incompetent, misguided, weird, technically insufficient, offensive, or cliched all at once. You should go out of your way to see if you're a fan of truly awful movies. Even the poster is incredible in how it makes you think you're about to watch a sequel/ripoff of "My Bloody Valentine."

Let's start with the observation that the main actresses speak with some vaguely Western European accent yet the vehicle they drive has the steering wheel on the left-hand side. The gas station attendant speaks with an American accent. The entire movie seems to have been shot in only 4 locations that are close to each other.

The villain in this wannabe slasher film is a handicapped young man whose father keeps him locked up as some sort of pet. Dad lets Junior out sometimes to harass the patrons of the gas station who are always beautiful young women on their way to an abandoned military outpost? There's no beach or any reason for anyone to go there. Dad also sabotages their vehicles so they can't escape...even though there is a highway near the base.

When Junior attacks the main character, he beats on her car for a good ten minutes for the longest, funniest "jump scare" ever. He also eventually does a back flip off the top of the car. Seeing people drive by on the highway behind the car highlights how laughable this is. Couldn't they have at least filmed at dusk? I suppose that would make the grainy image even harder to see. Many scenes lack any sort of sound effect making your long for another crazy thing to happen.

The dad captures the heroine and chains her up in a wedding dress? What?!? The rest of the film is a weird interchange between the dad and the heroine (pretended to be Junior's dead mother) about how each of them has scarified for Junior's welfare or loves him. Seriously, this lasts at least twenty minutes. It is as if the director used this part of the script to work through personal issues he was having with family instead of talking to a therapist. I don't think you could write something that misguided on purpose.

The film is actually pretty offensive to those with real disabilities. It never bothers to detail what exactly is wrong with Junior. He's just the way he is. His outfit and hook hand are supposed to make him scary. He's about as scary as your try-hard neighbor is on Halloween. For masochists who love bad films, this one is a must-see.

"Never Kiss a Man in Christmas Sweater" is a real title for a real Hallmark Channel Christmas film from 2020. This one is apparently adapted from a novel. That much becomes obvious when you watch the movie. Hallmark Christmas movies adapted from novels are either weird or story-driven compared to those with original screenplays. This one falls into the "weird" category.

I say "weird" because it involves a plot in which the main guy (Niall Matter), an architect, assists some school children build a tiny home they all paint to look like a gingerbread house. This important plot point happens over the scope of a few days. I do not believe the movie thought this was funny. It is so ridiculous that I cannot believe someone wrote it with a straight face.

The rest of the movie is standard Christmas stuff staring Ashley Williams as a single mother who spends the holidays alone. She is divorced and the movie acknowledges this, which I believe is unusual for Hallmark. These movies tend to take place in an alternate world in which everything you think happens at Christmas happens. Divorce is unpleasant and usually not part of the fantasy. I especially appreciated that the divorced couple is amicable and do not use their daughter to manipulate each other. Williams even admits that she left the marriage because her husband worked too much to spend time with her and the daughter.

Williams has her big smile we are used to seeing in her movies. Her smile has that disarming quality that makes you feel small, like a child when you see her. She over plays it here. You never feel that she changes much throughout the movie no matter how close she and Matter become. Matter is much better in conveying palpable emotion. You really feel like he is a miserable misanthrope who finds some peace. You will especially like the part when he says he needs the Wifi password for William's Air BNB to finish a "bad" movie he is watching. Its probably a Lifetime Christmas movie.

The movie is an amalgam of camp and sentiment that can be enjoyed as a bad movie night selection. It is as clumsy as its silly title.

"Jingle Bell Bride" is one of Hallmark Channel's 2020 films for Countdown to Christmas. This one is based on a novel according to other reviewers. The theme of this season appears to be "diversity" because unlike previous years this film features a mixed-race couple and neither of them is white.

I mention this detail because the film doesn't offer much aside from cursory Christmas stuff. People attend parties, decorate trees and drink hot chocolate. The main character is a wedding planner, played by Julie Gonzalo, who must visit Alaska to obtain a special flower that's is grown by a florist there. Her employer is a wedding planning company that services celebrities getting married and no one else. Why there are no people in New York City where Julie works with this flower is never questioned or explained. It really makes no sense particularly considering how remote the destination is.

Julie's wedding planner employer has a few scenes. All of them are especially cheesy. How could any business survive serving only celebrities? How do you pay rent in Manhattan? It reminds of me of a child at space camp envision what being an astronaut is like.

Alaska is also questionable in this film. The leading man, played by Ronnie Rowe, is African American. He is staying with his aunt after a nasty break up. The African American population of Alaska is approximately 4%. This aspect of the town's demographic is questionable at best.

In spite its generic silliness, I enjoyed this film. Julie Gonzalo is a vivacious actress and her face lights up every scene. She has more chemistry with the camera than with Rowe who sleepwalks through the role. He has his moments with her which are memorable. You'll know when you see them. Gonzalo has a sensuous moment where she smiles at him in an erotic manner not often seen in these films. This film won't become a staple but it could become a decent double feature if either actor is in a better film.

Sometimes when watching a made-for-tv Christmas film, I think of how much better it could be if it weren't limited by its network and limited capacity. These are not films that have the ability to inspire your imagination. They instead exist within a cultural vacuum; a past that never actually happened. They attempt to use culture to tell a story that lacks any real humanism. They are as fake as the Christmas elements they usurp for their purpose as cinema junk food.

Such is "Holiday Hearts." The film begins within a narrative interlude in the lives of Ashley Williams and Paul Campbell as Peyton and Ben. They have some past with each other in which she fell in love with him. He rejected her to move away from their community. Now, he has returned again for a few days at Christmas to babysit a friend's daughter.

The plot hits all the familiar motifs of the Hallmark Channel. The characters decorate a Christmas tree, bake cookies, and walk down snowy streets. What is lacking is any real sense of responsibility on the film to make Ben atone for his emotional manipulation of Ashley. She still harbors feelings for him as evidenced by Ashley William's good facial cues. Yet he continues to invite her to spend time with him and the child he is babysitting. Worse yet the child joins in with the film's mistreatment of Peyton.

It's all the more surprising that Peyton manages to plan a Christmas Eve party with all the drama in her personal life. The film's focus on this is to its benefit. It is the only part of the film in which she has agency. This is completely undone when Ben decides he wants to be with her and she accepts his advances. I was rooting for her to just move on from him.

The film is better shot than many of the Hallmark Channel's output. The scenes in the dining hall where the party is being planned serve a symbolic purpose until Peyton can think of a topic for the party. Once she does, the camera enters the room from the perspective of a guest to see the beautiful display put together in just a few days.

"Holiday Hearts" is a competent genre film for those interested in holiday junk. It's as hollow and meaningless as they usually are. I think I need to keep away from these films for a while to stimulate my imagination again.

It's early November and that means many bad, boring Christmas films to watch until December arrives. Hallmark Channel pumped out 40 of these films for 2020 so some of them are going to be lame. Merritt Patterson and Luke Macfarlane headline this one. I tend to enjoy Macfarlane in his many appearances. He at least gives the impression that he is trying to enjoy himself. I just don't care for Patterson. She seems to float through all of her films. She gives off the impression she is just showing up for a paycheck.

Neither of them are helped by the lack of any real story. Patterson is a pianist who received poor reviews last outing and hasn't come to terms with them. Macfarlane is an ex who never left their small town. When she comes home for Christmas, he asks her to perform for him in an ensemble. Everyone else gets sick so the two of them slowly entice a music group long broken up to perform again. Of course everyone eventually agrees and Patterson finds motivation to perform again.

Sometimes you truly have to zone out or browse something online to get through a film like this. They just isn't enough here to justify such a long run time. Hallmark can and has done better. The main character's poor pitiful me stance makes her unusually unlikeable. Hard pass.

Perhaps I will one day watch a passable made-for-tv Christmas picture from UpTv. Today, I didn't when I decided to watch Christmas Cupcakes. As with many others of this channel, this one lacks a story and actors who are coherent. It isn't all bad. The picture indulges us with some intention camp in the final segment in which the main characters participate in a Christmas Cupcake competition. "I swam across rivers with crocodiles fleeing rebels in my country, but even that pales in comparison to the adversity you have overcome" is a real line of dialogue in this picture!

Two sisters whose names are irrelevant inherit a bakery from their late father. We assume he is an Italian immigrant. His brother is named Mario and speaks like the most stereotypical sitcom Italian man ever. This film has a real problem with vocal stereotypes. An elderly woman comes in with a vaguely Eastern Europe accent and crocodile man speaks with one too.

The bakery is in trouble. Dad had more enthusiasm as a baker than business acumen. He is in a lot of debt. The sisters decide to enter a reality TV bakeoff in order to raise $100,000 and pay off his corporate debts.

Does any of this sound Christmasy to you? It doesn't as I wrote it and that's because this is this picture has the least to do with Christmas of any picture with Christmas in its title.

The sisters have very little backstory. The viewer has the impression that the two actresses were chosen due to their different hair colors. Since one is blonde and the other brunette, you can remember who each one is. Cindy Busby and Erin Karpluk may be good actors in other films. Here they are entirely stiff and joyless. Erin's impersonation of a "Russian Spy" to check out a competitor is the most racist caricature you'll see on TV this season.

The picture is perversely enjoyable in the sense a car accident is. Sometimes you keep watching just to see what else could happen. Definitely not worth going out of your way to record like I did.

Badges of Fury lures you in at the dollar store with its proclamation that Jet Li stars in what appears to be an urban action film. The actual movie is really a comedy and he isn't even the main star. The comedy here is parodic and may go further for those with more knowledge of Hong Kong cinema than I have. From other reviews it appears that many cameos in the movie are well known actors. This was lost on me.

The main story involves the police force investigating a series of murders in which young men have been found smiling before death. Each of them has dated an actress and her older sister just before dying. The older sister asks them to take out insurance naming her as beneficiary. The older sister is played by Yan Liu who constantly wears a revealing top. The movie and its characters ogle her repeatedly. I suppose this is supposed to be funny. Just look at her IMDb page for the bikini pic that must have been used to market the movie.

Much of the comedy is like that. The comedy aims for a young demographic. I couldn't tell which demographic. It is all over the place as if the director thought of something new for each sequence. The movie has many cartoony sound effects to accompany its wire kung fu fight scenes and intentionally bad CGI. A child might enjoy it the sound effects but the film's violence is too much for younger viewers. The jokes about marriage and dating would exceed them too. Characters float in and out of the narrative with subplots that go nowhere. I kept wishing for one of the threads to get more development so I would have something to pass the time.

The fight scenes are intentionally exaggerated with kicks and body slams coming from miles away. Jet has a few close up fights that give you the illusion that you're watching a Corey Yuen (yes, he was involved in this movie) action scene. However, the camera doesn't stay on the action long enough before a cutaway happens. That or someone is thrown into an object slowing down the whole scene.

Nothing about Badges of Fury worked for me. The entire film felt like a misguided student project where the director tried whatever he felt like doing. If you want a pure action movie it fails and there are far funnier martial arts comedies.

"Bloody Murder 2" at least manages to have a more accurate title than the first film in this franchise did. By that, I mean that the kills in this aging direct-to-video slasher film are gory. The kills are creative and kind of weird. Perhaps had this had a theatrical release in the 80s it could have become a cult classic. It's also the first slasher movie I've seen with an extended segment where someone watches a computer video.

The story takes place at Placid Pines Campground five years after the events of the first film. It's a complete retread including the "bloody murder" game and jump scare of the first movie. This time the camp counselors are closing the camp at the end of summer. A mystery slasher person starts killing everyone for seemingly no reason and then the slasher conventions play out. Tiffany Shepsis' lovely appearance as the promiscuous female victim adds a level of eroticism to the movie that makes it a good candidate for date night. The sex scenes have a level of realism to them as does her figure that you wouldn't see in heyday slasher.

The villain, Trevor Millhouse, looks really stupid even when compared to his original look in the first film. The "costume" is just a normal jacket and pants with a Spirit Halloween mask. There was no effort to maintain his appearance between films and the poster on IMDb doesn't present him as he actually looks. His role in the story is also weird. Once again, in a twist anyone can see coming, Trevor isn't the primary antagonist but he's also in the movie? Both of the Bloody Murder films weirdly suppress Trevor Millhouse as a legend in what should have been his own story. Friday the 13th did this too... in part 5 when ideas were running out.

This is not a memorable or necessary movie at all. The biggest reason to see it is that you're a big slasher fan looking for something you haven't seen. In that vein, I suppose it's worth watching on the Lionsgate DVD sets or free on Tubi.

Many years ago, I saw the DVD for Bloody Murder and several other films in a Wal-Mart bargain bin. The cover art for the film features a killer in a plastic mask with eye holes wielding a chainsaw. Your guess as to whom is being ripped off? The story takes place on a campground. I'm a sucker for garbage so of course I bought it.

The actual film is less interesting that the cover. For most of its runtime, campers talk, set up the camp activities, make love, etc. It's really boring actually. There is very little story even for the villain, Trevor Moorehouse. He's just some crazy guy who escaped from prison. Yawn.

The main actress is competent enough but the lack of a script leaves the viewer with nothing. The scenery is typical of a movie like this. The lake where they filmed is beautiful. Too bad I couldn't get a good view form the compressed DVD from Lionsgate. With four other movies on it, the images suffers from compression artifacts.

Trevor Moorehouse is a disappointment. He doesn't get much screen time, lacks a weapon and fails to give off the impression of menace. He's just an actor in a Halloween mask holding whatever weapon is handy. This ends up being humorous because there is so little going on you can't help but laugh at how cheap the whole production is.

The title is the only clever part of the film. It refers to a game in which the camp counselors designate one of them to be the killer and find the other counselors. This sets up the first mostly bloodless murder. Seriously, this film could be featured on TV if the nudity was cut.

Twenty years later, Bloody Murder is a relic best left forgotten. I suppose if you must watch it, only do so if you find it on a free streaming service.