paoneill-1

You expect a measure of unreality in action movies, that's what they're all about. But such unreality ought be leavened by a pinch of verisimilutude, a sharp line or a sympathetic character, otherwise it'll fall flat.

'The Expendables' expends all these leavenings. Oh, but it doesn't stop there, even the action sequences are, to say the least, unimpressive. The climactic fight scenes take place in a dark tunnel, so it's hard to see what's happening and there is no room for any choreographed balletic action.

To make an obvious comparison, the firehose fight sequence in 'Transporter 2' is beautifully managed, the action, the camera-work, the editing, all work together to make a cinematically impressive fight sequence, as ridiculous as it may be in realistic terms. Nothing in 'The Expendables' comes close.

The characters in this movie are little more than names. The dialogue is leaden (how could any screenwriter want to put their name to it?) and clunks around the movie like heavy chains around the actors necks. There is one woman in the movie, she's water-tortured. The final action sequences, when the castle collapses, the ammo dump explodes, are just plain stupid.

Evidence for the prosecution: Sly asks Terry to throw a shell into the air, Sly shoots it with his full auto 68 round handgun and it explodes, destroying a helicopter. Yeah, right… With Sly, Dolph and Mickey up there on the big screen, this almost comes across as an advertisement for ill-advised plastic surgery. The very attractive Giselle Itie can't help but make them look even worse.

All up, this is just about the worst 'action' movie I've seen in the last ten years.

I watched two whole episodes just to make sure. This really is mostly terrible, best illustrated by one unfortunate piece of casting.

Colin 'Caesar' Campbell was a big man, tall, broad shoulders, an imposing, perhaps threatening presence. He is portrayed here by Anthony Hayes, who is about as imposing as a teddy bear. He has narrow shoulders, a pot belly, he really isn't up to the job. He's not alone in that but, more than any other cast member, illustrates how this show falls so far short of anything remotely resembling a true portrayal of an outlaw motorcycle club.

It's quite clueless. These rough, tough bikies, who mostly look like a bunch of nice middle-class youngsters after a biggish weekend, ride around on shiny new Harleys, straight off the shop floor in 2011. So there you go, how many telephone calls would it have taken to line up some authentic old motorcycles? One, if you rang the right place, it wouldn't be that hard.

There are whole sequences where nothing happens, nothing is learned about the characters, the narrative grinds to a halt. There is the occasional brief flicker of a scene that isn't all that bad, usually featuring Callan Mulvey and Matt Nable , the two leads.

Okay, so we've got some pedestrian direction and photography, a lousy script, woeful casting, fair-to-middling acting, some reasonable art direction and set direction, poor attention to relevant detail and an overall look and feel of the whole project being rushed along too quickly. So it's pretty much your standard Australian teev series.

It's quite extraordinary in its own way. A show about bikies that is boring and mundane.

Of the thousands of movies I've seen, I have never seen a screen couple who come anywhere near close to the sheer sexual dazzle of Jean Harlow and Clark Gable in 'Red Dust'. The screenplay is great but they lift it to a level unmatched.

Full credit to Mary Astor for creating the dynamic - you'll never see a movie with as wonderful a sexual tension. While this was post-Hays code, it was released shortly before the Catholic Church-driven Legion Of Decency crackdown on perceptions of natural humanity.

Being a relatively early sound film, there's little camera work other than 'kinda close-up' and 'kinda backed off'. But it matters not a whit. Harlow and Gable are the best screen couple you will ever see.

This is the worst movie I have ever seen. The story is ludicrous, the violence pointless and gratuitous. Worst of all, everyone involved, from the cast to the crew and probably the caterers, seems to have realised this and can't be bothered making the slightest attempt to redeem it.

The acting is lazy, the photography is woeful, the direction is seemingly non-existent, probably telephoned from poolside at the Manly Pacific.

Your time will be better spent watching 'Daddy-O'(1958), a zero-budget beater that at least features some enthusiasm.