DalKhan

Sixth Sense was a friggin' great movie. Scary, suspenseful, filled with dead people it helped liven up the summer.

The director who made Sixth Sense also made Unbreakable. Which, without a doubt, was the exact opposite of Sixth Sense. Bruce Willis, the poor devil, was roped into making this movie as well. I like to think he wasn't aware of what he was getting into.

This movie is into comic books. REALLY into comic books. Comic books ooze from every pore of the movie, coating it in a superhero veneer. But that is not what tarnishes the movie. Unless you don't like comic books of course.

What ruins this movie is pacing. It takes the first hour and a half to get around to anything more interesting than the cover art for issue #239 of "The Venomous Wolf" (Collector's edition!). And then when the action does arrive it's over within the space of ten minutes. And then it's time for the credit scrawl.

Maybe if you share the same intensity towards the world of comics as the director then it would be enjoyable to watch. But for me, whose comics used to lay strewn about the room unprotected in their little bag things, I was bored.

Watch Superman II if you want super heroes who actually do things.

In the Dark Times (The Eighties), there came a movie that shone light across the lands for a brief few seconds before Laserblast came out and sent the world back into darkness. That movie was Dreamscape, a interesting movie about a man who could enter people's dreams. A great movie in fact.

Flash forward ten years. A movie arrives that is similar to Dreamscape in several ways. Well, one way. Once again we have a character that is capable of entering dreams. And that's pretty much the only connection it has with Dreamscape. I'm sorry for even bringing up a good movie in this review.

But I digress. The Cell stars Jennifer Lopez, which is critical because it proves my theory which I have put into a simple and easy to understand equation:

singer+movie=bad movie

Now there may be the occasional movie starring a singer that's good, but these are the exceptions. Back to The Cell. Jennifer Lopez plays a psychologist who tries to help her patients by goin' into their heads, and analyzing them from the inside out. Eventually she is called upon to get inside a killer's skull and take a look see.

This is one of the most offensive disgusting movies I have ever had the occasion to meet. Women, kids, and the occasional animal are killed and tortured. The movie is needlessly twisted and one should bathe using powerful cleaning agents after watching this film.

This movie had an interesting idea and then killed it through it's pointless cruelty. Watch Laserblast before you even consider watching this.

Many movies are built around the "billions of creatures attack" theme. Them, Gremlins, and god's gift to mankind, Aliens. Bats is just like those classic tales of man vs nature/gremlins. Except for two things.

1. It's not good.

2. It has bats in it.

Oh and the plot has a tendency to be really bad. Apparently scientists have been trying to engineer a super bat using a virus. When a bat gets this virus then it becomes larger, smarter, meaner, etc ad infinitum. A bat can get this virus from an already infected bat. So, one of these bats escapes from the lab, using its super intelligence no doubt, and gets to a bat cave.

The movie has Lou Diamond Phillips as its hero. That poor devil has been in so many awful movies, Supernova and Red Planet coming immediately to mind. He needs to flee like a startled rabbit from the next script they hand him.

Anyway, the whole movie just hit rock bottom with its plot and terrible special effects. Actually, change that. Not the whole movie. The ending was the best ending for a movie I've seen in a long time.

I'm gonna change this from 2.5 to 3 stars just because of the ending in fact. Excuse me for a second.

So, watch this movie just to see the ending. And to cut poor Lou some slack. In fact send him some money too. He deserves it.

There was a time when Kevin Bacon made good movies like Footloose, and Tremors. Sadly those times are gone, and he's stuck making mediocre movies like Stir of Echoes, and a movie I loathe with a passion, Hollow Man.

For some reason I hated every character in this movie. Villains and heroes alike. I had no bias, I just wanted them all dead. Luckily the movie had enough senseless brutality to make me happy.

Although the characters were unlikable, the special effects were amazing, things disappeared and reappeared like nobody's business. Gorillas, puppies, Kevin Bacon, shrews, you name it, it was gone.

Still, as is the case with most of the movies I watch, the special effects can't save it. The characters just detract to much from the movie. That, and the plot has a been there, done that feel to it. If you want to watch an "invisible man goes psycho" movie, then watch The Invisible Man. Or The Invisible Man Returns. Or The Invisible Man's Revenge. Or just watch Goodfellas.

Maybe Kevin Bacon will be back for Tremors IV: Attack of the Killer Graboids.

Supernova was the beginning of the Downfall for Lou Diamond Phillips if you ask me. Anyway, the movie is about a traveling hospital rescue spaceship, that moves about the cosmos to save stranded vessels and what not. They come across a distress call, and zip off in some sort of warp travel.

After arriving there they come across a stranded miner and some strange material, that turns out to be pieces of the 5th dimension. And then the movie finally collapses under its own stupidity.

Mediocre acting, nice special effects, REALLY stupid plot, all create a nice mixture to cause minor insanity in the viewer. Some people even lose all conscious memory of having ever seen this movie, confusing it with Red Planet or some other such film.

In other words, Run!

For some reason the '90's had a plethora of disaster films. There was Twister, which had giant tornadoes running about. There was Volcano, which had, as you have probably guessed, a volcano in it. And then there were the two or three movies that had to do with giant space rocks hitting the Earth at a high rate of speed. Deep Impact falls into that category. That last pun was more or less unintended.

Anyway. A reporter finds out that the government is hiding something from the public. Turns out a rather large chunk o' rock is headed straight for Earth, and there's not much we can do about it. Plot is as cheerful as one would expect from an end of the world movie. Lots of crying and running about in the streets looking sad. The acting is okay, and the special effects are okay.

The whole movie is basically just...blah. Not bad, not good, just stuck somewhere in the middle. And a depressing movie to boot.

If you want a better "death asteroids hit the planet" movie, go see Armageddon. There are at least some funny bits in it.

Or you could also see Asteroids, which is so god-awful that it's funny.

I should begin this review by stating the simple fact that I did not watch this movie in one sitting. I took it in twenty minute increments, and in between calmed my nerves with vast quantities of caffeine. Not a very good idea really, but it was all I had.

Now then, to start off with, this was not the worst movie I have ever seen. The Cell and Friday the 13th Part V are tied for that position. But it is the only movie I've seen that for all intents and purposes is not actually a movie. It is really an hour long music video, except music videos have more plot.

There is almost zero conflict. Occasionally a problem pops up, but then twenty minutes of music drive all worries about the problem away. The movie is supposed to be about the "struggle" of young singer Billy Frank's rise to greatness, but there is no struggle. Her amazing talents crush all that dare oppose her, destroying enemies with a single high note.

Without conflict there is no movie. Glitter is not a movie, but rather an advertisement for the soundtrack to Glitter, available at Half.com.

Buy the soundtrack if you must, but for the love of god, stay away from the movie version of the CD.

This movie, no correction, this THING, this abysmal abomination from the burning pits of hell should have been killed before it even left the writer's head. I could not possibly come up with enough adjectives to describe this movie. But let's try anyway. Horrible, bad, nauseating, tasteless, crap, vomit inducing, gut wrenchingly bad, hideous, nasty, putrid, there just aren't enough words in the English language! The "plot" involves a serial killer who becomes a snow man. Don't ask how, not important. The killer snowman runs about killing people. How, you may ask, can a snowman kill someone? In tasteless ways that make you want to remove your eyes if only so you don't have to endure that Styrofoam snowman anymore. In ways that make you want to fill your ears with hot wax so you do not have to endure his snow puns anymore. Don't watch this movie! Destroy it on sight! For the sake of your very soul don't watch it!

Now, I should have known better. This movie has gotten bad reviews left and right. I have been warned by family and friends not to see it. Nonetheless I felt it was my job, nay, my sacred duty to watch this movie to see how bad it was, and warn you of the dangers.

I tried to stay strong, I tried to watch the whole movie in one sitting, but in the end I couldn't do it. I was forced to stop in the middle and watch two good movies to recover enough to be able to watch the rest of it. In the end I got through it, but at what price?

My peace of mind? My sanity? My very soul?

At any rate the special effects were decent, but as in Jason X that's not enough to save it. The characters in the movie left me with the feeling that I was coated with a thin layer of slime. Especially Mr Kilmer's character, who was repulsive to a startling degree. Not that I fault Mr. Kilmer.

Well yes I do.

The story lost whatever meaning it had when it was translated to film, and became just a rather bitter glance at people.

So please, don't see it, for the sake of your very being, run!

Quite a few movies have been made from the works of Philip K. Dick. Movies like Blade Runner, Minority Report, and, of course, Screamers. Which is not as good as the title implies.

Screamers tells the tale of a war torn planet where robotic um Screamers have been released to fight the enemy. The screamers have two abilities that may sound like a bad idea to add to a bunch of little killing machines, but when you really stop to think about it, it still seems really stupid. These added on attributes are the ability to learn and the ability to recreate. So, through the magic of science, a race of mechanical creatures becomes super intelligent and begins to turn on its makers.

While the plot was fairly stupid, what really brought it down were the special effects. Arms and legs are supposed to fly off as the screamers launch themselves at people. However, shots of the screamers flying through the air look vaguely like videos taken of UFO's with a camcorder. The blue screen is put to obvious good use, and a few of the characters are really annoying.

Other than these few faults it's an okay movie, but only because it was based on a Philip K. Dick novel. If it had been a stand alone movie trying to make its own point, innocents could have been hurt.

Every now and again comes along a great movie. And almost immediately following the release of this movie comes several thousand imitators. In the 1980's two movies came out that were very similar, Raiders of the Lost Arc, and King Solomon's Mines. Both had a rugged hero looking for lost treasures in exotic locals. Both fought against sinister Nazi agents. Both wore hats. However, Raiders of the Lost Arc came out in 1981, while King Solomon's Mines came out in 1985. You decide which one was the imitator.

Anyway, in King Solomon's Mines our hero, Alan Quartermain must find Sharon Stone's father. All the while being pursued by a Nazi colonel who is our comic relief. This movie has a strange feel to it, making it seem almost like a spoof of Raiders of the Lost Arc, and yet you know, deep down inside, that they were being serious in their efforts.

By itself this movie would have been average at best, maybe even enjoyable. But when you compare it to the movie that is steals entire scenes from, you feel sad and lonely, and just want to have a good cry.

Or maybe that's just me.

Nowadays there are plenty of ways to leave NY, whether by plane, train, or automobile. But in this grim little movie starring Kurt Russell all of Manhattan has been turned into a rather large prison. In which there

is

no

escape.

Anyway. Kurt does his best as always, running around, punchin' people, being your typical anti-hero. He has been sent to the Big Apple in order to rescue the President, who was trapped within the confines of the city. The President is played by none other than, Donald Pleasence, of Halloween and James Bond fame, in which he played a bizarre psychiatrist, and Blofeld, respectively. However I shall always remember him in his greatest role, Cobras, in the horrible movie Pumaman. Which I don't believe was released here, but Mystery Science Theater 3000 riffed the poor little devil anyway.

Anyway. Slightly above average acting is undone by stupid plot, and some really freakish characters. Special effects aren't too bad considering the nasty backwater age this movie was made (the '80's).

Oh I almost forgot, Ernest Borgnine was in it too!

I'm not sure if that's a selling point or not, but he's in it, whether you like it or not.

Incubus stars William Shatner and some other people, and the only thing interesting about it is the fact that it was spoken in Esperanto. The movie itself is pretty awful though.

Esperanto, a language that has truly united us all as a world that does not speak Esperanto. For those of you unfamiliar with this strange language, it was invented many years ago by a fellow trying to unite the world via the method of a universal language. It sadly never caught on, big surprise there, and now only a handful of people speak it.

Thankfully before the project completely died they made a movie with all the actors speaking this beautiful yet simplistic language, allowing us all to hear what Esperanto sounds like when spoken. The best description I can think of is a person missing key brain lobes attempting to speak Italian.

The movie tell the tale of a war hero returning home after being injured. What war he was in is not mentioned. Where home is is also not mentioned. In fact, the entire time I was trying to figure what country they were supposed to be in, and what time period this was. Was it Spain during the Spanish civil war? Italy, World War II? California? The absence of setting just made everything more confusing. The war hero is being tempted throughout by some demon, but by the time the plot starts up I didn't really care. I just wanted to see the movie for the Esperanto speaking, and by the time ten minutes had passed I had had my fill of the language.

This movie has a barely original plot, and unless you have an interest in linguistics I recommend you hurry away and watch CrossRoads instead, which I hear is a wonderful film.

There have been quite a few movies where a giant something attacks the general populace and causes much mayhem and fear. The most well known of these would most likely be Them, in which monstrous ants run amok.

This movie, however, is not about giant ants. Or giant locusts, spiders, mantis's, or even giant red fruit, but rather giant shrews. If this does not instill fear into the very marrow of your bones I'm not surprised. Shrews are tiny, and a shrew the size of a hamster could be considered "giant."

The shrews involved in the movie are roughly the size of a dog. In fact, throughout much of the movie the shrews ARE dogs, wearing crudely made costumes.

This movie maintains a very steady level of badness throughout. Bad acting, bad shrew costumes, bad plot. Just plain BAD.

And a message about overpopulation was kind of lost in the badness to make things worse.

BAD.

Maniac has not one single redeeming feature. At least Jack Frost (killer snowman one) didn't assault you with snippets from old psychology text. Every 10 scenes or so you would be forced to read out the most boring drivel ever seen by man.

Maniac's claim to fame comes from the fact that despite it being made in the 1930's it contains images of topless women. And before you rush off all a flutter to see 1930's porn, let me warn you that this is, in fact, a blatant lie.

Nothing is watchable about this movie, and I don't have the time to write it all down. Animal cruelty, idiot dialogue, underexposed scenes, OVERexposed scenes, boring stupid characters, the stealing of scenes from other movies. It is quite frankly the worst piece of trash that I have ever seen. And I'm damned proud to own a copy of it.

Freddy vs Jason had nothing new to add to either series or the genre in general.

This kind of movie has been done before with other horror movie monsters. Both "The House of Dracula" and "Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man." featured classic movie monsters battling one another. And to be honest these movies weren't very good either.

While the attempt to rework the formula for the Jason and Freddy movies was admirable, it really wasn't enough. It was not scary. And isn't that what horror movies are supposed to do? Scare people?

Movies like Alien, the original Nightmare on Elm Street, The Exorcist were actually scary. They weren't just gory to be gory, they actually tried to shock and scare the audience.

The only truly good thing about Freddy vs Jason was that it had a plot. Unlike the laughably bad Jason X.