gregkae

Let's just say if you're looking for a "movie" that's as cohesive as a toddler's finger painting, look no further. The mastermind behind this chaos, seems to have mistaken horror for a game of genre bingo. It's a recipe gone wrong. Instead of gourmet we get regurgitated.

You've got your generic protagonist with the emotional depth of a puddle, a few cardboard cutout sidekicks, and a villain who seems to have stumbled out of a '90s B-movie or in this sad case out of the back of the head of his twin sister.

But hey, at least the special effects department had a field day. "Malignant" is like a carnival of not-so-over-the-top gore and CGI gone bad, that's so absurd it's almost entertaining. Almost.

A hot mess of an experience that's best enjoyed with a healthy dose of vodka and expectations as low as a pair of knickers entangled around the ankles. Watch it if you want a bad good laugh, but don't expect anything remotely resembling a coherent plot or believable characters, this movie is malignant.

Tired trend - possession meets found footage mockumentary, walks all over Blair Witch if you ask me.

Gave it an 8 for standing out in the crowd and some clever ideas. Everyone who has ever dealt with an Alzheimer's patient in their late stages knows exactly what I am talking about - it does feel at times like they are possessed.

Points for acting - the leads are not excellent but they do what's expected of them. As much as I hate the shaky handheld point of view or CCTV footage here it goes a long way. Unfortunately not in the later portion of the movie where it should be better lit and less shaky for better effect and some potent shocks.

Some truly chilling moments, some disturbing imagery, some creepy moments, very well crafted atmosphere.

Not perfect, somewhat unfocused but almost decent. Watch at night, alone, in a dark room.

Gives up ghost half way through. Visually eloquent and adequately acted mess of ideas with convoluted plot harder to follow than a stray cat in thick fog. A thriller? A mystery? An adventure? A horror? Not a sum of its parts and not a focused chiller either, it's all over the place and so does not deserve the rating it has. By the time we wake up there's a small twist, not all that twisty though, followed by the second one which is so tired I can't even fathom why did the writer bother. Mind you, the whole formula was played to death and without any decent development rots in its own juices, there's no novelty here.

I advise to stay far away from it, it tries to lead you in many directions and does not succeed. It keeps you guessing for no good reason and it's just tedious when you have to watch so many unlikeable characters in one sit through. Utter dissapointment.

A new spin on a tired horror trope of a possessed doll with a mind of its own. We've got Chucky, Terminator, Ex Machina - to name a few - all moulded into one terrific robotic toy I personally would love to befriend.

After a somewhat rocky and slow start things get going at a steady pace right to the amazing finale. The set up is great and pays off, so do performances backed up by excellent design and special effects. A few shortcuts here and there do not hurt the final product tightly wrapped, duck taped and packaged in a fun, slick, elegant expensive cardboard box of a flick.

So where can I get the doll and what's the shipping estimate?

Welcome to the disjointed hodge-podge student fantasy. Pretentiously shot on a high contrast black n white film. Story of a jobless looser, ups, I'm sorry - an unemployed theorist with a compulsion based on numbers which leads to nothing. Painfully amateurish, painfully acted, painfully executed. Because this film is executed. It is also painful to watch what with all its shart-house charm and unfocused direction. Maybe Aronofsky was too distracted by his own genius. It's frankly unbelievable how all the pseudo-intellectuals are dissecting and analysing the aimless plot of this 84 minute long mind-torture, but maybe they can get some relief by drilling their own skulls, apparently trepanation does wonders, wink wink.

Very well cast revenge court room thriller save for Rosamund Pike - what is she doing here? How is she relevant to the plot? She's miscast and written into the story for no reason anyway, can't blame her, she's not a bad actress.

The flick is inconsistent, major logic defying things happen but that's just lazy writing. That writing is unfortunately prevalent throughout..

Beautifully shot, aptly scored.. what's there not to like? Well who the f decided not to end it with the villain getting away..? Not possible to suspend disbelief that a character like Hopkins' would not have read on double jeopardy when everything was so meticulously planned right to the last hair.. ridiculous.

I was rooting for Hopkins. In a way he got his revenge, sadly the writer decided to ruin the movie with his countryside village morality where the supposed evil ought to be punished? Is that an American thing? What a shame.

Let me start with the score - unbearable to human ears. In fact this whole farce is a cacophony - of acting, directing, photography, script, everything plays out in a different tone, goes in a different direction, everyone fending off for himself and there's a lot of them. An ensemble cast of inepts paid through the roof.

Again improbable and unlikeable characters in improbable and unlikeable situations, just like their acting fees. When everything is so convoluted and pointless you switch off your logic and don't know what's going on anymore it either means you're watching complete and utter buggery of a movie or you have Alzheimer's in its latest irreversible stage.

... for I slept so well during this snooze fest.

Let's retitle this remake, it's a remake right? And so I propose "How to build entire career on one facial expression". Lifetime achievement award goes to Pacino, who is such crap - can't barely use this noun next to his name - actor, I can't quite grasp how was he able to be cast in anything but cheap bank loans commercial. With that surprised look on the front of his cranium he is probably wondering himself.

Above all this hangs the nasty, thick, wet and close stench of interminable boredom, suspended in the glorious atmosphere of nothingness, for nothing happens for two hours and the resolution brings no closure to anything really.

Swank doesn't bring it either, Williams' acting is undeserving. Do your laundry instead, you're welcome.

An excruciatingly slow slow-burner which deserves a second viewing once you know the ending and all the turns. Let's count them together: 3.

It is somewhat derivative, it's a salad of many things we've seen before - a psychiatrist, an unstable wife, husband released from jail, scheming femme fatale, tricks played on the tricksters by the tricked, you name it. However, thanks to some clever writing, it all comes together nicely and picks up the pace elegantly once we're past the main plot point.

Jude Law is the Goody Two-Shoes who we are rooting for from the get-go, which is my only disappointment, he could have been made more ambiguous. I guess the writing was not so clever in the end. Also -1 star for Rooney Mara, she's a horrible actress.

We have an unknown newbie called Krawitz starring as a blue haired freak employed by a hi-tech corporation which produces intelligent speakers in the way of Apple, Amazon et all.

The corpoprincess lives in a multi-million dollar hi-tech loft, roughly 200 sq meters -she must be paid well for her futureless job - she is also an agoraphobic, spending her days in shapeless jersey tracksuit bottoms and listening to Billie Eilish Pirate Baird O'Connell. She is also a rude brat who bullies everybody in her firm including top CEOs.. for some reason which is known only to the delusional scriptwriter.

In the end she tricks everyone, kills her pursuants which apparently is the perfect mean to rid her of her agoraphobia.

Yes, you read all that right.

Did Sodebergh think he was Altman? Did he think he was trailblazing? He sure have blazed something.. and left a trail behind him.

He might have attempted an arthouse flick yet ended up with sharthouse. We have a litany of crimes against cinema here. Badly lit, out of focus, low-res, shaky handheld, disjointed, not-funny trying to be funny, wasted talent, no script, nobody knows what's going on and what is this all about, basically it's a Michael Haneke regurgitated.

As if that wasn't enough we get Julia Roberts in an überlezzie haircut worth of Justin Bieber. In fact it is all so boring even the actors seem to be bored with themselves and leave certain scenes half way through.

I have one word for you: don't.

Good for a taste, not enough for a swallow.. good for a smirk, not enough for a laugh. Very cute and sweet, evenly acted but absolutely forgettable. Half way through looses steam and it's a war between me and myself to sit through to the end.

Ellen Barkin's character is sooo overdrawn even she cannot save her performance and ends up horribly overacting and becomes a caricature of a caricature.

Zero character development, everybody is as one dimensional and -ahem- "straight" as you can imagine.

Bebe Woods is very funny and steals the whole show, aside from that stereotypes abound, left and right and there's not much to it really.

What starts out badly ends up badly in this case. A "flick" which takes the lowest common denominator to appeal to no-one. Incoherent, going nowhere hodge-podge mess of a "movie". The story makes no sense whatsoever and is all over the place. Miscast Clooney is doing his best in this teen-fest sci-if-eco-tech-thriller-adventure-disneyvaganza but is just so out of place he becomes unbearable to watch. The non-stop shrieking Robertson-starlet (?) should be committed for her talentless overacting but her saving grace is the fact she might have been burnt-out from staring for hours on end at the green-screen throughout the shoot. I have the right to believe this turdy eyeball poke-out is 100% CGI. Shame my life isn't.

The director is trying to literally hammer it home with pompous music and photography. Poor de Niro is doing his best with accents and all but the script is unworkable. It's just impossible to suspend disbelief. Lange is horrible as the hysterical wife, Lewis stands out, Nolte is just sweaty himself for 120 minutes straight.

So many set ups yet none of them land and the ones - particularly toward the end which never seems to arrive - are downright silly (slipping in blood anyone?).

As long as revenge stories go this one is just boring, outdated crapper with obvious skewed camera angles and takes itself waaay too seriously endin as it's own pastiche.. It is just trying too hard but comes out all soft. All hen but no cock.

Unapologetically racist and infantile tale of a foreign and distant barbarian land of India, wherever it might be, where people eat live snakes for dinner and rip beating hearts out of hopeless victims in mines where child labour is the order of the day. The villains look barely human and drink from putrefied skulls.

A no holds barred stampede through jungles, palaces and croc-full rivers with utter disregard for local culture, custom and beliefs accompanied by - and I dare to trust not forced - shrieks, screeches and squeals courtesy of one Kate Capshaw.

Ford looks great bare chested, I would do him, and for that 3 stars.

I want to ask the reviewers which movie isn't ridiculous? Which movie is true to life? If you want to watch the reality rent a damn unscripted documentary about greenhouse plant growing and share your opinion with Greenpeace.

Johnson steals the movie as evil incarnated, his is absolutely stellar turn, very much unexpected from him. Lumet is a crap director but here at least he managed to avoid his cast to constantly, angrily shout their lines. Becky does well in her quite one-dimensional character and she's fun to watch. However, the villain is done with such smarmy skill it's a pleasure just to guess what's he going to come up with next.

The finish was a tad subpar because - as always - I wanted no happy ending alas it's Shollywood so watcha gonna do.

Be warned, the movie is long and slow (but worth the watch) so if you want pumping action go fill the tyres with a bicycle pump.

Fun! Stretched at times but just enough not to break the elastic band in your knickers. Simple tale of a marriage invasion. No twists, no turns, just a straight story of an obsession spiralling down which is exiting enough in itself.

Liotta is deliriously violent as modern Jekyll and Hyde, the ending is tense although not as drastic as I'd wanted it to be and the whole is competently played by all. I recommend.

Great scroller, just scroll right through it. Another unimaginative military hetero crap about nothing. The aliens are yet again a device to push the non-existent plot. Space ants arrive to steal our water? Badly shot with acting to match it is movie equivalent of stonewashed jeggins with a matching jacket. Was this made-for-tv? Director of photography gets disciplinary, bye!

Perm galore, slow-motion galore. Star cast does not movie make. Everybody turns it out apart from "Die Hard/act not" guy before going baldie. Essentially a straightforward story with predictable ending and a question left unanswered. Convoluted, contrived, atrociously scored and boring. Dimly lit for dim-witted? Noir stands for something else. Not worth a watch even half-way with one eye ajar.

Heavy handed German direction, as you'd expect from a national of a country where any nuance is a hindrance. Luckily for the viewers the cast does a very professional job. It's unfortunate that the final twist can be seen from Dubai on a particularly cloudy day. Even though, it is still an enjoyable and quite a ridiculous ride. Do not listen to the whingers who say it is dated. Of course, it is not modern, it was made in the 90s with all its charm and shoulder pads.

I know Goldie was trying as she might but nonetheless she's been heinously miscast. She just seems to be in a good mood at all times. The villain is well played. The movie drags a bit at certain points but remains watchable throughout. Don't care about the predictable plot twists. Altogether a little experiment which fails at using a thoroughly comedic actress in a very dramatic role. Watch at own risk.

And the Oscar for the best actress incapable of showing any range goes to... Sean Young.

Script? Swiss cheese. Plot? Plain as Young's wardrobe. Direction? First grade (school).

I've seen many a crapper but this is one unbreakable turd that will block your sewer forever.

There's this one scene in the second half of the movie where supposedly emotional Young (we'll never find out) blankly stares at the cinema screen. Word to the wise darling: it's called blank stare... not acting.

Do. Not. Watch. You'll thank me later.

Art-house? More like outhouse! Any fan of skinny dipping in a cesspool will enjoy it - Haneke raises his pretentiousness to the highest level of unwatchability and he owns it like a champ (that he is not).

Not entertaining, nor shocking, nor thought provoking, nor pleasing in any way, set of random scenes portraying nothing - i.e. Ironing t-shirts while watching tv and eavesdropping on quarrelling neighbours through the wall (I kid you not).

I want to know the carbon footprint of this garbage and make Haneke pay the cost of recycling it into something worthy, like taking a dump.

Not exciting. You want to watch a good one you go "Red Rock West". After you are through the central plot twist which you can see coming from a mile like an American arse at a European beach resort, you've seen it all. Overly dramatic, too much music in every scene and quite frankly - boring. The ending was a missed opportunity for shaking things up, as it stands, it's just a straight forward story. 5 stars for acting efforts and violence but all in all it's a waste of time and electricity.

This poo-pile is somewhat funny. It's about a bank heist gone wrong right off the bat. The characters act all in a completely illogical way and chaos ensues from the moment they drive up to the bank door. Not in the good way. The "movie" is one long rant delivered by ensemble cast, everybody wants to pee every 5 minutes, the protagonist just comes out of the bank and goes back in every 10 minutes, why on earth is there no revolving doors? 2 stars for some unintended laughs and silly lines. Come to think.. this drivel IS a heist gone wrong.