targe1314
Lifetime Total
50+
IMDb Member
9 years
Reviews
Star Wars: Episode VIII - The Last Jedi (2017)
A huge but un even rollercoaster ride of entertainment and disappointment
Star Wars the last Jedi is a very long movie, and there was ample room for cuts, witness the jarring and completely pointless scene of Luke drinking raw seal milk on the beach... uh... yeah....
We are treated to amazing visuals, and some fantastic scenes. The death of Snoke was very satisfying, even if it made no sense from a story perspective.
The humor was in places very funny (Chewy and his roast chicken) and in places extremely awkward (the milk drinking scene as mentioned above)
Luke does a serviceable job in the end of what he is portraying, a shell-shocked hermit who has lost most of his high hopes for the Jedi but tries to cling to the origins, namely the Force.
Daisey is at times well done, her trip into the cave of darkness, and at other times clumsy and ham-fisted (her pathetic attempts to convince Luke to join her by physically assaulting the poor old man).
We have new characters that just.. do not fly. I know with the MASSIVE Chinese investment of audience now for these movies, it is essential that Disney get more Chinese characters in play (rather overdue and racistly so...) but the new Chinese character, Tran, is not doing it, her acting is atrocious and her hair-do is an abomination.
And Laura Dern.... I have no IDEA what they were thinking with this one.... and it fails miserably. Every second of her screen time is cringe-worthy.
Then again, throwing in big name actors turns around and actually WORKS with Benicio Del Toro, even if his lispy stutter doesn't. The man has GRAVITAS and he brings it to an otherwise luke-warm (lol) showing.
The writing is uneven as well. I actually am starting to like Adam Driver (blasphemous as those words are) and his story arc. Finn OTOH though, continues to plod along as the love-sick b/f. He even get's a completely useless comedy scene of him staggering around in a giant suit of saline solution which only serves to ridicule his character.
Poe is played strangely here, he is clearly an audience favorite, but the Rebels go around hating on him constantly. It is very annoying and could only have been explained if Laura Dern's character was an Empire Agent, which, sadly, she is not.
And finally a huge GEEK RAGE OUT on the DEUS EX MACHINA of using a hyper-jump to destroy an entire fleet of Star Destroyers. Why doesn't this destroy all fleets that hyperjump together then? We all know for the entire Star Wars series entire fleets of ships have hyper-jumped together. So now all of a sudden this causes a huge explosion that destroys all the ships??? It made ZERO sense, and then to have the flagship, which has literally been torn into TWO PIECES, still have the ability to land a AT-AT assault unit???
THAT is SLOPPY WRITING.
We are treated to amazing visuals, and some fantastic scenes. The death of Snoke was very satisfying, even if it made no sense from a story perspective.
The humor was in places very funny (Chewy and his roast chicken) and in places extremely awkward (the milk drinking scene as mentioned above)
Luke does a serviceable job in the end of what he is portraying, a shell-shocked hermit who has lost most of his high hopes for the Jedi but tries to cling to the origins, namely the Force.
Daisey is at times well done, her trip into the cave of darkness, and at other times clumsy and ham-fisted (her pathetic attempts to convince Luke to join her by physically assaulting the poor old man).
We have new characters that just.. do not fly. I know with the MASSIVE Chinese investment of audience now for these movies, it is essential that Disney get more Chinese characters in play (rather overdue and racistly so...) but the new Chinese character, Tran, is not doing it, her acting is atrocious and her hair-do is an abomination.
And Laura Dern.... I have no IDEA what they were thinking with this one.... and it fails miserably. Every second of her screen time is cringe-worthy.
Then again, throwing in big name actors turns around and actually WORKS with Benicio Del Toro, even if his lispy stutter doesn't. The man has GRAVITAS and he brings it to an otherwise luke-warm (lol) showing.
The writing is uneven as well. I actually am starting to like Adam Driver (blasphemous as those words are) and his story arc. Finn OTOH though, continues to plod along as the love-sick b/f. He even get's a completely useless comedy scene of him staggering around in a giant suit of saline solution which only serves to ridicule his character.
Poe is played strangely here, he is clearly an audience favorite, but the Rebels go around hating on him constantly. It is very annoying and could only have been explained if Laura Dern's character was an Empire Agent, which, sadly, she is not.
And finally a huge GEEK RAGE OUT on the DEUS EX MACHINA of using a hyper-jump to destroy an entire fleet of Star Destroyers. Why doesn't this destroy all fleets that hyperjump together then? We all know for the entire Star Wars series entire fleets of ships have hyper-jumped together. So now all of a sudden this causes a huge explosion that destroys all the ships??? It made ZERO sense, and then to have the flagship, which has literally been torn into TWO PIECES, still have the ability to land a AT-AT assault unit???
THAT is SLOPPY WRITING.
Justice League (2017)
DC finally moving in the right direction
I was cautiously happy with the latest DC movie Justice League. They are still filming in grey monochrome (other than Superman's farm) but at least now the tone is lighter and the action sequences are better, the jokes are better too.
By far the best job is done by the Flash, as Ezra Miller turns in a fantastic effort on his role, which he is clearly stoked on.
Less stellar is Ben Affleck's second time out in the batcape. I've heard he wants out, and it showed in this movie. He plays Batman as a brooding, guilt-ridden shadow, not up to leading the team, hoping WW takes it over, almost as if he was playing himself.
Aquaman as a dark haired Conan the Barbarian is a jarring sell, but it was okkkaaaaayyyy....... nothing to stop the presses about.
Perhaps the breakout unexpected performance was from Ray Fisher, playing the tortured man-robot Cyborg, full of self-loathing but wanting ultimately to help.
Special nod to the Batmobile, surely the greatest batmobile ever since the original, covered in guns it is a terror on 4 wheels. Batman's crawling spider-thing (name is forgettable) was less so, very silly in fact and one wondered what sort of cocaine trip Bruce Wayne was on to craft such an impractable piece of oversized junk.
Overall though this is a good start for a 'DC Rennaissance' and I hav e high hopes for the future, and would not be unhappy at all if they brought in a new Batman. Christian Bale, you are SORELY MISSED.....
By far the best job is done by the Flash, as Ezra Miller turns in a fantastic effort on his role, which he is clearly stoked on.
Less stellar is Ben Affleck's second time out in the batcape. I've heard he wants out, and it showed in this movie. He plays Batman as a brooding, guilt-ridden shadow, not up to leading the team, hoping WW takes it over, almost as if he was playing himself.
Aquaman as a dark haired Conan the Barbarian is a jarring sell, but it was okkkaaaaayyyy....... nothing to stop the presses about.
Perhaps the breakout unexpected performance was from Ray Fisher, playing the tortured man-robot Cyborg, full of self-loathing but wanting ultimately to help.
Special nod to the Batmobile, surely the greatest batmobile ever since the original, covered in guns it is a terror on 4 wheels. Batman's crawling spider-thing (name is forgettable) was less so, very silly in fact and one wondered what sort of cocaine trip Bruce Wayne was on to craft such an impractable piece of oversized junk.
Overall though this is a good start for a 'DC Rennaissance' and I hav e high hopes for the future, and would not be unhappy at all if they brought in a new Batman. Christian Bale, you are SORELY MISSED.....
Thor: Ragnarok (2017)
A silly but fun movie that should have come out for summer
I was dragged, kicking and screaming, into this joke movie, and came out entertained and happy.
Thor: Ragnarok is basically what happens when the Marvel Super Heroes space jump into the world of Guardians of the Galaxy. The movie has the same look, feel, jokes, and soundtrack of the GotG series (and YES, I know they are supposed to exist together! This is the first film that makes it OBVIOUS).
Chris Hemsworth, otherwise known as 'Girl eye candy with a tool', jumps into this with a smirk and a fine set of gag reel jokes. Finally watching him battle, not once but TWICE, to the legendary Thor/Vikings song 'The Immigrant Song' by Led Zepplin, was also a treat.
Cate Blanchett is surprisingly better looking as a Brunette, having great fun as Thor's evil older sis, Hela (or is it Hell... or is it Hell Ya!)
Tom Hiddleston is rather droll in comparison, just 'going through his Loki paces' and not surprising anyone. He seems very annoyed in the end to have to fight beside his brother finally, even though we all know he secretly loves him and looks up to him. He also gets his ass handed to him by a Valkryie, which is strange...
Hulk is very different in this movie now, more a giant caveman, he talks!
Jeff Goldblum, always up for playing the buffoon, is a bit of a show stealer and very distracting in his over the top performance.
Finally, Tessa Thompson gives the guys something to drool over as the fun and sexy only surviving Valkryie, drowning her sorrows in a giganto bottle of scotch and domming Thor like a pro.
Again, this show was so Guardians... I'm surprised there isn't some easter eggs in it, is there? Do we see Rocket in the background of a scene, or perhaps Star Lord's sweet ride in the spaceport? I wish we do.
Thor: Ragnarok is basically what happens when the Marvel Super Heroes space jump into the world of Guardians of the Galaxy. The movie has the same look, feel, jokes, and soundtrack of the GotG series (and YES, I know they are supposed to exist together! This is the first film that makes it OBVIOUS).
Chris Hemsworth, otherwise known as 'Girl eye candy with a tool', jumps into this with a smirk and a fine set of gag reel jokes. Finally watching him battle, not once but TWICE, to the legendary Thor/Vikings song 'The Immigrant Song' by Led Zepplin, was also a treat.
Cate Blanchett is surprisingly better looking as a Brunette, having great fun as Thor's evil older sis, Hela (or is it Hell... or is it Hell Ya!)
Tom Hiddleston is rather droll in comparison, just 'going through his Loki paces' and not surprising anyone. He seems very annoyed in the end to have to fight beside his brother finally, even though we all know he secretly loves him and looks up to him. He also gets his ass handed to him by a Valkryie, which is strange...
Hulk is very different in this movie now, more a giant caveman, he talks!
Jeff Goldblum, always up for playing the buffoon, is a bit of a show stealer and very distracting in his over the top performance.
Finally, Tessa Thompson gives the guys something to drool over as the fun and sexy only surviving Valkryie, drowning her sorrows in a giganto bottle of scotch and domming Thor like a pro.
Again, this show was so Guardians... I'm surprised there isn't some easter eggs in it, is there? Do we see Rocket in the background of a scene, or perhaps Star Lord's sweet ride in the spaceport? I wish we do.
The Wizard of Lies (2017)
An excellent look at the biggest known Ponzi scheme in history
I went in very skeptical at first, although I'm a HUGE R De Niro fan. I find money movies boring and I absolutely despise the rich, so I was grimacing at the gf's choice for a TV night.
Half way through I began muttering 'this guy's a sociopath...' and I was very pleased to see in the end he is all but officially declared one and compared to Ted Bundy.
Many have complained about how this movie over emphasizes the impact on the Madoffs (I insist this is pronounced 'MAD-OFF' and not 'MADE- OFF'as in the movie, apparently just to make the 'he MADE OFF with people's money!' stupid joke). They are missing the point, of course, that the family is supposed to appear pathetic as they run around whining about their missed hair appointments and their possessions being seized.
I'd point out that no story so far has made any attempt to explain how this guy was able to keep billions of other people's money in a single CHASE personal bank account and not make a single trade and nobody was the wiser. The movie also does not go into his extensive political donations and people in power supporting him.
De Niro does an outstanding job of playing the sociopath Madoff to a tee. Strong points also to Michelle Pfeifer under a ton of old lady makeup, plays the bimbo trophy wife suddenly caught in the headlights to a tee.
The movie also does not speak to the obvious elephant in the room, that the SEC is pathetic, impotent, and powerless by DESIGN, not fault, and that criminal capitalism is largely rewarded in the US.
Half way through I began muttering 'this guy's a sociopath...' and I was very pleased to see in the end he is all but officially declared one and compared to Ted Bundy.
Many have complained about how this movie over emphasizes the impact on the Madoffs (I insist this is pronounced 'MAD-OFF' and not 'MADE- OFF'as in the movie, apparently just to make the 'he MADE OFF with people's money!' stupid joke). They are missing the point, of course, that the family is supposed to appear pathetic as they run around whining about their missed hair appointments and their possessions being seized.
I'd point out that no story so far has made any attempt to explain how this guy was able to keep billions of other people's money in a single CHASE personal bank account and not make a single trade and nobody was the wiser. The movie also does not go into his extensive political donations and people in power supporting him.
De Niro does an outstanding job of playing the sociopath Madoff to a tee. Strong points also to Michelle Pfeifer under a ton of old lady makeup, plays the bimbo trophy wife suddenly caught in the headlights to a tee.
The movie also does not speak to the obvious elephant in the room, that the SEC is pathetic, impotent, and powerless by DESIGN, not fault, and that criminal capitalism is largely rewarded in the US.
Blade Runner 2049 (2017)
A visually stunning Masterpiece with an intricate but interesting plot
Los Angeles, 2049.
The human experiment has flourished in space.
9 new colony worlds now exist in the sky.
This was achieved with the use of manufactured slave labor, Replicants.
On earth, the experiment has failed. Earth has been largely abandoned to the rats and the rainstorms, as global warming is pushing the planet rapidly towards the next Ice Age. The seawalls barely hold back rising sea levels... people grovel in the muck for grubs to eat.
Across this barren landscape flies K, a new series replicant assassin, hunting down humanity's mistakes, the bad dog replicants that broke their programming.
Do Robots dream Electric Sleep?
Do Canadians attend movies on Thanksgiving Weekend?
The answers it appears, are Yes and No.
Being a huge fan of the original, the theatre was largely empty on opening night, mostly filled with people my age, watching faithfully for another taste of the original's dark noir, flying cop cars and giant neon backwashed with torrential rain...
You cannot compare this to the original. For although it faithfully picks up the threads of Deckard(Ford)'s old fling, this is a deep and well written detective story, not the action-packed retirement bloodbath that marked the original.
The music, straying between Tibetan chant and Apocalypse Now synth, is deep, loud, and foreboding, matching the bleak and over-built LA city scape to a tee.
The visuals, from the titanic last ditch wall built to stop the rising sea levels to the endless solar panel farms, is jaw dropping.
Ryan Gosling is at the top of his game here, throwing everything into the role as the at first blankly confident uber assassin K, while still revealing a tender side in his 1950's housewife 3D hologram girlfriend. As his latest case develops, we see his mind conflict and break down. This could be his finest work and he should Oscar up for it.
Harrison Ford brings his legendary gravitas in full force to the role of the fugitive Deckard, hiding in his luxury Vegas penthouse, drinking scotch and staring out at the dust storms. Ford leaves nothing in reserve as he launches his heart back into this character that helped to make him famous. His haunted scream 'WE WERE BEING HUNTED!' sends shivers down the spine...
Supporting cast are also for the most part in excellent form, with Robin Wright playing K's stern but secretly in love Madame commander, doing anything to keep the lethal secret that 'will break the world' from getting out, protecting her agent to the last.
Ana de Armas puts in a surprisingly heartfelt and believable performance as the 'pinnoccio-like' 3D hologram girlfriend, desperately trying to have a real relationship, knowing all too well there is no hope.
Jared Leto brings a solid performance as the mad scientist maker of the new replicants, with some apologies to the blind community perhaps.
Perhaps the only slight let down is our main villain. Unfortunately she must go up against the likes of Rutger Hauer from the original, no small boots to fill. Sylvia Hoeks plays the over-passionate killing machine Luv, a replicant assassin slash secretary in heels on steroids well, but there is something too souless in her act, something missing. No rousing speech about attack ships burning at the end for her, just a slow, cruel, difficult to watch drowning.
After watching in Ultra AVX 3D I immediately purchased new tickets for IMAX, and it was worth the extra. This is a movie that really MUST be seen in IMAX. How else to enjoy a 100 foot tall virtual naked blue woman advertising the popular JOi hologram girlfriend? Or the expanse of the sea wall, or the scale of the garbage dump?
The human experiment has flourished in space.
9 new colony worlds now exist in the sky.
This was achieved with the use of manufactured slave labor, Replicants.
On earth, the experiment has failed. Earth has been largely abandoned to the rats and the rainstorms, as global warming is pushing the planet rapidly towards the next Ice Age. The seawalls barely hold back rising sea levels... people grovel in the muck for grubs to eat.
Across this barren landscape flies K, a new series replicant assassin, hunting down humanity's mistakes, the bad dog replicants that broke their programming.
Do Robots dream Electric Sleep?
Do Canadians attend movies on Thanksgiving Weekend?
The answers it appears, are Yes and No.
Being a huge fan of the original, the theatre was largely empty on opening night, mostly filled with people my age, watching faithfully for another taste of the original's dark noir, flying cop cars and giant neon backwashed with torrential rain...
You cannot compare this to the original. For although it faithfully picks up the threads of Deckard(Ford)'s old fling, this is a deep and well written detective story, not the action-packed retirement bloodbath that marked the original.
The music, straying between Tibetan chant and Apocalypse Now synth, is deep, loud, and foreboding, matching the bleak and over-built LA city scape to a tee.
The visuals, from the titanic last ditch wall built to stop the rising sea levels to the endless solar panel farms, is jaw dropping.
Ryan Gosling is at the top of his game here, throwing everything into the role as the at first blankly confident uber assassin K, while still revealing a tender side in his 1950's housewife 3D hologram girlfriend. As his latest case develops, we see his mind conflict and break down. This could be his finest work and he should Oscar up for it.
Harrison Ford brings his legendary gravitas in full force to the role of the fugitive Deckard, hiding in his luxury Vegas penthouse, drinking scotch and staring out at the dust storms. Ford leaves nothing in reserve as he launches his heart back into this character that helped to make him famous. His haunted scream 'WE WERE BEING HUNTED!' sends shivers down the spine...
Supporting cast are also for the most part in excellent form, with Robin Wright playing K's stern but secretly in love Madame commander, doing anything to keep the lethal secret that 'will break the world' from getting out, protecting her agent to the last.
Ana de Armas puts in a surprisingly heartfelt and believable performance as the 'pinnoccio-like' 3D hologram girlfriend, desperately trying to have a real relationship, knowing all too well there is no hope.
Jared Leto brings a solid performance as the mad scientist maker of the new replicants, with some apologies to the blind community perhaps.
Perhaps the only slight let down is our main villain. Unfortunately she must go up against the likes of Rutger Hauer from the original, no small boots to fill. Sylvia Hoeks plays the over-passionate killing machine Luv, a replicant assassin slash secretary in heels on steroids well, but there is something too souless in her act, something missing. No rousing speech about attack ships burning at the end for her, just a slow, cruel, difficult to watch drowning.
After watching in Ultra AVX 3D I immediately purchased new tickets for IMAX, and it was worth the extra. This is a movie that really MUST be seen in IMAX. How else to enjoy a 100 foot tall virtual naked blue woman advertising the popular JOi hologram girlfriend? Or the expanse of the sea wall, or the scale of the garbage dump?
A Cure for Wellness (2016)
Beautifully filmed but mired in complexity and confusion
Very much along the lines of Shutter Island, this movie sees a coincidentally (?) very Leonardo id Caprio like protagonist end up at a creepy Austrian 'Dracula Castle' high in the Alps as he tries in vain to spring a wealthy industrialist that he needs back in New York for a critical business deal, predictably becoming trapped there himself and turned into a patient.
The Cure at this wellness retreat centers around the mysterious water below the castle, that is touted as a cure all for everything bad to the well heeled elite of the world. DeHann's character Lockhart soon begins to uncover the truth is far more sinister.
An excellent performance as usual is also turned in by Jason Isaacs as the creepy and intense head doctor Volmer, and Mia Goth as the only young person in the facility, the mysterious Hannah, who drifts as if in a dream from parapet to lonely parapet.
The movie is exquisitely filmed. One scene, of Lockhart looking out the side of a train window and down the side of the train as it heads over a trestle and into a tunnel, is so beautifully filmed I was wishing I was at an Imax theatre. Other scenes, of the lonely castle nestled high in the Austrian Alps, are poster worthy art and incredible to enjoy.
Where the movie begins to fall apart is in the writing and editing. The movie is quite long, and begins to drag. Our character flip flops between begrudging accepting patient and rebellious prison breaker. The mysteries of the strange water just seem to heap complexity upon complexity, with even parasitic eels entering the equation. Soon he is also hallucinating, and we have no idea what is real and what is half real and what is dream. Even Game of Thrones Arya style replaceable living faces are brought in, and at the end of the movie, we have no idea who truly escaped, our hapless weasel Lockhart, or the sinister deranged Volmer, wearing his face.
The Cure at this wellness retreat centers around the mysterious water below the castle, that is touted as a cure all for everything bad to the well heeled elite of the world. DeHann's character Lockhart soon begins to uncover the truth is far more sinister.
An excellent performance as usual is also turned in by Jason Isaacs as the creepy and intense head doctor Volmer, and Mia Goth as the only young person in the facility, the mysterious Hannah, who drifts as if in a dream from parapet to lonely parapet.
The movie is exquisitely filmed. One scene, of Lockhart looking out the side of a train window and down the side of the train as it heads over a trestle and into a tunnel, is so beautifully filmed I was wishing I was at an Imax theatre. Other scenes, of the lonely castle nestled high in the Austrian Alps, are poster worthy art and incredible to enjoy.
Where the movie begins to fall apart is in the writing and editing. The movie is quite long, and begins to drag. Our character flip flops between begrudging accepting patient and rebellious prison breaker. The mysteries of the strange water just seem to heap complexity upon complexity, with even parasitic eels entering the equation. Soon he is also hallucinating, and we have no idea what is real and what is half real and what is dream. Even Game of Thrones Arya style replaceable living faces are brought in, and at the end of the movie, we have no idea who truly escaped, our hapless weasel Lockhart, or the sinister deranged Volmer, wearing his face.
Star Trek: Discovery (2017)
Over acted and poor plot choices ruin it out of the gates
One must begin with the beginning.
And of all Star Trek series, this one definitely has the worst beginning.
I'm not even on about the SHOW yet! I'm talking about the WAY they released this!
As in, set your PVR's to STUNNED, because the show doesn't start, at it's very weird starting time, when you think. Prepare to enjoy a half hour pre-show, followed by a million commercials. Then 3 segments of 10 minute show separated by zillions of commercials. Then your PVR has no idea even when one show ends and the other begins (hint: this is NOT your PVR's fault...) rinse-lather-repeat for the next episode, after which, NEVER COME HERE AGAIN, SPACE will NOT be carrying this show, you have to watch it online.
Awful.
Just .... Awful.
Then we have the START OF THE SHOW. One of the most CRITICAL parts of ANY Star Trek series, as we will be forced to watch it again and again and again. No Kirk's voice pondering Space as the old school Enterprise goes zooming past your face. No Voyager skimming the rings of Saturn.
no.
We get.... some dude sketching phasers in his sketch book, to COMPLETELY UNINSPIRED music. The theme music is AWFUL!!!
Next, we have The Situation. Hmmmm. Cloaked ship in an asteroid belt and our scanners can't see it properly.
Send a probe? Cause, they HAD THOSE in the ORIGINAL SERIES!!!! (converted photon torpedo turns into handy dandy space probe. No biggee). Otherwise known as a SPACE DRONE. Which we HAVE NOW.
No. Send someone in a space suit! And they will FRY if they don't make it back in 18 minutes! (But what does 17 minutes and 59 seconds do?? SHUT UP!!!)
And what do they find.
A Klingon Koffin Ship.
THE F*CK?????
What?
The New Klingons are bad, really bad. Why do we need to change the Klingons every so often? The new klingons in the JJ Abrams abomination that is New Trek are bad enough. But these guys... are basically like the Remans from that awful Next Gen movie. They even look like them. And why do they fly around in a giant coffin? And why would the Klingons be missing, just because their houses aren't getting along? None of this makes sense.
But ALL of that pales in comparison to our new captain.
She starts the entire series by knocking her captain unconscious with the Vulcan neck grip, because she doesn't get her way. So we HATE her, right from the get-go. So I will not be watching this show, and I predict this show will die a flaming death and not be renewed for Season 2.
And of all Star Trek series, this one definitely has the worst beginning.
I'm not even on about the SHOW yet! I'm talking about the WAY they released this!
As in, set your PVR's to STUNNED, because the show doesn't start, at it's very weird starting time, when you think. Prepare to enjoy a half hour pre-show, followed by a million commercials. Then 3 segments of 10 minute show separated by zillions of commercials. Then your PVR has no idea even when one show ends and the other begins (hint: this is NOT your PVR's fault...) rinse-lather-repeat for the next episode, after which, NEVER COME HERE AGAIN, SPACE will NOT be carrying this show, you have to watch it online.
Awful.
Just .... Awful.
Then we have the START OF THE SHOW. One of the most CRITICAL parts of ANY Star Trek series, as we will be forced to watch it again and again and again. No Kirk's voice pondering Space as the old school Enterprise goes zooming past your face. No Voyager skimming the rings of Saturn.
no.
We get.... some dude sketching phasers in his sketch book, to COMPLETELY UNINSPIRED music. The theme music is AWFUL!!!
Next, we have The Situation. Hmmmm. Cloaked ship in an asteroid belt and our scanners can't see it properly.
Send a probe? Cause, they HAD THOSE in the ORIGINAL SERIES!!!! (converted photon torpedo turns into handy dandy space probe. No biggee). Otherwise known as a SPACE DRONE. Which we HAVE NOW.
No. Send someone in a space suit! And they will FRY if they don't make it back in 18 minutes! (But what does 17 minutes and 59 seconds do?? SHUT UP!!!)
And what do they find.
A Klingon Koffin Ship.
THE F*CK?????
What?
The New Klingons are bad, really bad. Why do we need to change the Klingons every so often? The new klingons in the JJ Abrams abomination that is New Trek are bad enough. But these guys... are basically like the Remans from that awful Next Gen movie. They even look like them. And why do they fly around in a giant coffin? And why would the Klingons be missing, just because their houses aren't getting along? None of this makes sense.
But ALL of that pales in comparison to our new captain.
She starts the entire series by knocking her captain unconscious with the Vulcan neck grip, because she doesn't get her way. So we HATE her, right from the get-go. So I will not be watching this show, and I predict this show will die a flaming death and not be renewed for Season 2.
Transcendence (2014)
A well acted near-future thriller that deserved a bigger budget
This is not new territory, we have seen this before, notably in 1977's 'Demon Seed', or perhaps SKYNET from the Terminator series, a scientist creates a super computer that can out think humans and, as suspected, that is ALWAYS A BAD THING.
This time, the excellent Jonny Depp is the mad scientist with delusions of grandeur who, after being fatally wounded by anti-tech terrorists (a little unbelievable there...) uploads his consciousness into his spanky new AI computer.
His g/f is all for it and very protective of him, and soon they are building a city of tomorrow brain-hub in the middle of the desert.
The anti tech radicals track them, though, and plan to launch their attack. Luckily the CIA also finds the base, and strangely, decides to also help the rebels with their attack.
Here's where the movie goes decidedly off the rails, as the low budget (consider that Terminator Salvation, which is a very similar movie, had twice the budget at 200 mil) kicks in.
SO the US Military is Really Concerned that a mad scientist super computer is building a private army in the desert...
And they show up with like, 5 SEAL guys and ONE cannon....
A freaking cannon. Towed behind an army truck. Like bringing cannons to a commando raid was sound military strategy or anything, which it isn't.
I know what your saying. If they brought in attack gunships and A- 10s, the computer would take over them through their computers, blah blah blah whatever. There are ALL KINDS of high tech solutions to this that the US Military would think of.
Instead, the end battle comes off as something you'd see on Stargate SG-1. The computer can now grow artificial life and has mind controlled cyborgs that can self heal, but.... geee... why not build a 50 foot tall fighting robot? Or an army of terminator style fighting soldier robots? Or even have the plant cyborg people grow themselves some bulletproof armour????!!!!
Or a giant organic fence that electrocutes anyone that gets within a mile? By this stage this living city creature is fully capable of all of these things. Instead it has unarmed townspeople lumber towards the SEALS with plant tendrils coming out of them. Cringe-worthy.
And that is TOO BAD, because before this, this was actually a really good movie! I mean, it's got freakin Jonny Depp and Morgan Freeman in it! Not to mention an excellent supporting role as the CIA dude, Cillian Murphy. The visuals and special effects (other than the killer plant tendrils) are also excellent.
IF they had thrown a 200 mil budget at this, and had the mad computer attacking the rebels and the US government all over the world, which it could have done, behind his g/f's back, with all sorts of crazy tricks, now THAT would have been a Super Cool movie, with the final battle looking more like something from Terminator Salvation.
This time, the excellent Jonny Depp is the mad scientist with delusions of grandeur who, after being fatally wounded by anti-tech terrorists (a little unbelievable there...) uploads his consciousness into his spanky new AI computer.
His g/f is all for it and very protective of him, and soon they are building a city of tomorrow brain-hub in the middle of the desert.
The anti tech radicals track them, though, and plan to launch their attack. Luckily the CIA also finds the base, and strangely, decides to also help the rebels with their attack.
Here's where the movie goes decidedly off the rails, as the low budget (consider that Terminator Salvation, which is a very similar movie, had twice the budget at 200 mil) kicks in.
SO the US Military is Really Concerned that a mad scientist super computer is building a private army in the desert...
And they show up with like, 5 SEAL guys and ONE cannon....
A freaking cannon. Towed behind an army truck. Like bringing cannons to a commando raid was sound military strategy or anything, which it isn't.
I know what your saying. If they brought in attack gunships and A- 10s, the computer would take over them through their computers, blah blah blah whatever. There are ALL KINDS of high tech solutions to this that the US Military would think of.
Instead, the end battle comes off as something you'd see on Stargate SG-1. The computer can now grow artificial life and has mind controlled cyborgs that can self heal, but.... geee... why not build a 50 foot tall fighting robot? Or an army of terminator style fighting soldier robots? Or even have the plant cyborg people grow themselves some bulletproof armour????!!!!
Or a giant organic fence that electrocutes anyone that gets within a mile? By this stage this living city creature is fully capable of all of these things. Instead it has unarmed townspeople lumber towards the SEALS with plant tendrils coming out of them. Cringe-worthy.
And that is TOO BAD, because before this, this was actually a really good movie! I mean, it's got freakin Jonny Depp and Morgan Freeman in it! Not to mention an excellent supporting role as the CIA dude, Cillian Murphy. The visuals and special effects (other than the killer plant tendrils) are also excellent.
IF they had thrown a 200 mil budget at this, and had the mad computer attacking the rebels and the US government all over the world, which it could have done, behind his g/f's back, with all sorts of crazy tricks, now THAT would have been a Super Cool movie, with the final battle looking more like something from Terminator Salvation.
Nocturnal Animals (2016)
yet another 1 dimensional hick predator flick
Other than the movie being set as the visualization of a book written by the main protagonist's ex, there is little new in this very normal, unpleasant, 'rich kids get jumped by sub-human predator hicks in the badlands of Texas', much in the vein of Texas Chainsaw Massaquere although thankfully it spares us the worst parts of the rapin' and a 'murdurin'.
Amy Adams is almost uninspiring and quite emotionally dead seeming, and we care little for her callous disregard for her lover's feelings and hate her for her betrayal and abortion. She floats through the movie as a hot red hed cardboard cut out image against beautiful nighttime backgrounds. Like a vampire she appears to only exist in darkness.
Jake G is also quite 1 dimensional as the guilt-wracked wimp who couldn't stand up to the bad guys. His simmering rage and wish for revenge is poorly delivered, and his stupidity in plot is enormous.
The bad guys are your typical stereotyped 'back woods Texan hicks' who cruise around in their hot rod making mayhem like A Clockwork Orange yet somehow are never caught. Their homicidal antics stretch the movie's believability to the breaking point, even though we know we are not watching reality but some bad author's cheap hack thriller.
perhaps the only saving grace is brought in by the excellent Michael Shannon, who plays a rich complex character of the aging police detective suffering from lung cancer and looking for revenge before he dies against the type of scum bags he's had to let go his whole career.
Amy Adams is almost uninspiring and quite emotionally dead seeming, and we care little for her callous disregard for her lover's feelings and hate her for her betrayal and abortion. She floats through the movie as a hot red hed cardboard cut out image against beautiful nighttime backgrounds. Like a vampire she appears to only exist in darkness.
Jake G is also quite 1 dimensional as the guilt-wracked wimp who couldn't stand up to the bad guys. His simmering rage and wish for revenge is poorly delivered, and his stupidity in plot is enormous.
The bad guys are your typical stereotyped 'back woods Texan hicks' who cruise around in their hot rod making mayhem like A Clockwork Orange yet somehow are never caught. Their homicidal antics stretch the movie's believability to the breaking point, even though we know we are not watching reality but some bad author's cheap hack thriller.
perhaps the only saving grace is brought in by the excellent Michael Shannon, who plays a rich complex character of the aging police detective suffering from lung cancer and looking for revenge before he dies against the type of scum bags he's had to let go his whole career.
It (2017)
A masterful reimagining of the Stephen King classic
I grew up on Stephen King horror, as many my age did. When the awful TV movies began, clearly designed as pulpy B quality from the beginning, I groaned, imagining what might have been...
It was with great skepticism that I went in to this new version.
It's hard to capture the nature of Pennywise, without it coming off as campy. Much as numerous actors, including the great Jack Nicolson, tried and failed to capture the nuances of the Joker character, and it wasn't until Heath Ledger forever immortalized him shortly before dying, that the character was realized in full.
So too, has Pennywise finally been captured in 'his' full, inhuman, beyond-evil ancient demi-god predator from the abyss nature, in this film, awkwardly attempting to mimic human things, fears, and attractions to draw in it's prey.
Bill Skarsgard, in perhaps the role of his career, expertly captures Pennywise to a T, apparently terrifying the young actors on the set to some degree as well.
The movie finally captures the dread feelings I felt as I read this book. It felt like living inside the book again.
Excellent performances are also turned in by the young gang of 'losers'. Sophia Lillis turns in a fantastic performance as the young Scarlett Johannson look-alike Beverly, a tortured young girl harassed and sexually objectified by every male in town.
Finn Wolfhard attempts to steal the entire movie with is one-liners, and often succeeds, capturing the right blend of young humour with awkward mid-teen angst.
The movie is perfectly propped for the 80's, look for the movies of that generation prominently displayed on the movie theatre each time it is used, more than once.
One word of advice - I saw many very young children being taken into this movie by deadbeat parents who won't spring for a sitter. This movie IS NOT for children. IT will give your children nightmares. It is a genuinely terrifying movie.
It was with great skepticism that I went in to this new version.
It's hard to capture the nature of Pennywise, without it coming off as campy. Much as numerous actors, including the great Jack Nicolson, tried and failed to capture the nuances of the Joker character, and it wasn't until Heath Ledger forever immortalized him shortly before dying, that the character was realized in full.
So too, has Pennywise finally been captured in 'his' full, inhuman, beyond-evil ancient demi-god predator from the abyss nature, in this film, awkwardly attempting to mimic human things, fears, and attractions to draw in it's prey.
Bill Skarsgard, in perhaps the role of his career, expertly captures Pennywise to a T, apparently terrifying the young actors on the set to some degree as well.
The movie finally captures the dread feelings I felt as I read this book. It felt like living inside the book again.
Excellent performances are also turned in by the young gang of 'losers'. Sophia Lillis turns in a fantastic performance as the young Scarlett Johannson look-alike Beverly, a tortured young girl harassed and sexually objectified by every male in town.
Finn Wolfhard attempts to steal the entire movie with is one-liners, and often succeeds, capturing the right blend of young humour with awkward mid-teen angst.
The movie is perfectly propped for the 80's, look for the movies of that generation prominently displayed on the movie theatre each time it is used, more than once.
One word of advice - I saw many very young children being taken into this movie by deadbeat parents who won't spring for a sitter. This movie IS NOT for children. IT will give your children nightmares. It is a genuinely terrifying movie.
Conan the Barbarian (1982)
This is the ULTIMATE Swords and Sorcery movie
As a boy, I grew up reading the Savage Sword comics, which were all about Conan. I had posters of the Death Dealer on my wall.
When the team for this movie went looking for people to play Conan, they found perhaps the most perfect person on the planet at that time, Arnold. Arnold was made to play Conan. He has the hair, he has the scowl, he has the muscles. It was perhaps one of the most perfect actor to comic hero matches in film history.
They needed good music. They found Basil Poledouris, virtually unknown in N. America. He produced one of the greatest movie soundtracks in history, right up there with John Williams Star Wars. His music thunders with hoof beats, slashing swords, and the undiscovered horizon, making you want to scream a war cry and gallop off into the sunset to war.
After playing Darth Vader, James E. Jones could not have been a better choice for Thulsa Doom, one of the greatest fantasy villains ever to appear on screen. "Now they will know why they fear the night. They shall all drown in lakes of blood...."
Max Von Sydow is brilliant as king Osric, "A LION HAS ET HIM. AHHHA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!"
Sandhal Bergman is perfect as very teenage boy's fantasy blonde Valkyrie, throwing herself into the role and nearly cutting off her finger for it.
Gerry Lopez, an unknown surfer from the beaches south of LA, is absolutely punching over his weight and nails it as the crafty sneaky thief sidekick SUBOTAI! "MY GOD is the EVERLASTING SKY! He LOOKS DOWN on your god on his mountain!"
To top it, the armor, costumes, weapons, and fight scenes are some of THE BEST EVER DONE.
All the stars and planets and comets were in alignment for this one, this one time... never again.
When the team for this movie went looking for people to play Conan, they found perhaps the most perfect person on the planet at that time, Arnold. Arnold was made to play Conan. He has the hair, he has the scowl, he has the muscles. It was perhaps one of the most perfect actor to comic hero matches in film history.
They needed good music. They found Basil Poledouris, virtually unknown in N. America. He produced one of the greatest movie soundtracks in history, right up there with John Williams Star Wars. His music thunders with hoof beats, slashing swords, and the undiscovered horizon, making you want to scream a war cry and gallop off into the sunset to war.
After playing Darth Vader, James E. Jones could not have been a better choice for Thulsa Doom, one of the greatest fantasy villains ever to appear on screen. "Now they will know why they fear the night. They shall all drown in lakes of blood...."
Max Von Sydow is brilliant as king Osric, "A LION HAS ET HIM. AHHHA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!"
Sandhal Bergman is perfect as very teenage boy's fantasy blonde Valkyrie, throwing herself into the role and nearly cutting off her finger for it.
Gerry Lopez, an unknown surfer from the beaches south of LA, is absolutely punching over his weight and nails it as the crafty sneaky thief sidekick SUBOTAI! "MY GOD is the EVERLASTING SKY! He LOOKS DOWN on your god on his mountain!"
To top it, the armor, costumes, weapons, and fight scenes are some of THE BEST EVER DONE.
All the stars and planets and comets were in alignment for this one, this one time... never again.
Bellflower (2011)
A promising Napoleon Dynamite Mad Max movie that ultimately fails
The idea for this movie is brilliant. A low-budge indy flick about a Napoleon Dynamite character obsessed with the apocalypse and mad max style vehicles and weaponry, with a love interest. Great great premise.
What do we get instead...
First of all, the entire notion that two twenty something drop out losers can afford to build working flamethrowers and tricked out mad max muscle cars is ludicrous in the extreme. These guys either never work or work in dead end jobs, yet somehow can afford the most tricked out chrome toys off the internet to furnish their Road Warrior fantasies.
So believability? Rock Bottom.
Secondly, this is a pretty seriously effed up anti-female chauvinistic pile of abuse. Even when our hapless 'hero' Woodrow is clearly hallucinating most of his violent revenge porn, due to his head injury, (just chew on THAT for a FUN! movie for a second...) they still film it as though it is real. Guys getting their heads bashed in with baseball bats, girlfriends blowing their heads off with a magnum, a guy revenge-raping his girlfriend nearly to death covering them both in blood like he's wearing the giant sword cock from SeveN, it's all horrific and WAY over the TOP and throw in horrific acting to boot and it's just one long WHY WHY WHY??? Is the director seriously that mad at women???
You come in to this movie feeling intrigued and laughing at the two dudes lighting sh#t on fire in the back lot and you leave wanting to vomit and apologize to every g/f you ever messed over in a break up.
The director needs therapy. Badly.
What do we get instead...
First of all, the entire notion that two twenty something drop out losers can afford to build working flamethrowers and tricked out mad max muscle cars is ludicrous in the extreme. These guys either never work or work in dead end jobs, yet somehow can afford the most tricked out chrome toys off the internet to furnish their Road Warrior fantasies.
So believability? Rock Bottom.
Secondly, this is a pretty seriously effed up anti-female chauvinistic pile of abuse. Even when our hapless 'hero' Woodrow is clearly hallucinating most of his violent revenge porn, due to his head injury, (just chew on THAT for a FUN! movie for a second...) they still film it as though it is real. Guys getting their heads bashed in with baseball bats, girlfriends blowing their heads off with a magnum, a guy revenge-raping his girlfriend nearly to death covering them both in blood like he's wearing the giant sword cock from SeveN, it's all horrific and WAY over the TOP and throw in horrific acting to boot and it's just one long WHY WHY WHY??? Is the director seriously that mad at women???
You come in to this movie feeling intrigued and laughing at the two dudes lighting sh#t on fire in the back lot and you leave wanting to vomit and apologize to every g/f you ever messed over in a break up.
The director needs therapy. Badly.
Gentlemen Broncos (2009)
A quirky fun teen angst flick in the spirit of Napoleon Dynamite
This movie will appeal to fun loving dorks and geeks who grew up on sci fi pulp novels in the '70s.
Mike Angarano brings his quirky character to bear as a young sci fi writer attending his first writing convention and listening to his author hero. His mom is nuts, as is her bf, and everyone else also.
Jermaine Clement gives the stand-out role of his career as the neurotic, self-obsessed author 'Chevalier' giving writing lessons at the conference:
"You can add ANUS to the end of any character name to make it special and exciting..." James. Jamesanus. George. GeorgeANUS. See how this works?"
To top off the entertainment, the movie follows along with the character's original sci fi novel idea, showing it as it would have been made as a B movie. Enter the idea-less Chevalier who steals the young author's ideas for his next book, and you have hilarity ten- fold.
"Oh crap. Surveillance Does. I hate those things...."
The only thing out of place in this movie is the title. 'Gentleman Broncos' is perhaps the most irellivant and out of place title ever given. A more appropriate name would be:
"The Yeast Wars"
"Battle Deer 3000"
"Broncanus and the Deer Wars for Yeast"
Mike Angarano brings his quirky character to bear as a young sci fi writer attending his first writing convention and listening to his author hero. His mom is nuts, as is her bf, and everyone else also.
Jermaine Clement gives the stand-out role of his career as the neurotic, self-obsessed author 'Chevalier' giving writing lessons at the conference:
"You can add ANUS to the end of any character name to make it special and exciting..." James. Jamesanus. George. GeorgeANUS. See how this works?"
To top off the entertainment, the movie follows along with the character's original sci fi novel idea, showing it as it would have been made as a B movie. Enter the idea-less Chevalier who steals the young author's ideas for his next book, and you have hilarity ten- fold.
"Oh crap. Surveillance Does. I hate those things...."
The only thing out of place in this movie is the title. 'Gentleman Broncos' is perhaps the most irellivant and out of place title ever given. A more appropriate name would be:
"The Yeast Wars"
"Battle Deer 3000"
"Broncanus and the Deer Wars for Yeast"
The Lost City of Z (2016)
A bunch of guys, mumbling in the dark
I went in with high hopes, I like Indiana Jones, was this guy the spiritual inspiration for him? I like ancient cities in the jungle. I knew they just found one in the forests of Peru with satellite software.
This movie could have been so much more.
Instead we are 'treated' to endless 'in-the-dark room filming', with stoffy English gentlemen 'harrumphing' at each other endlessly.
When our hero finally DOES find the ancient city, by magically riding a river BACKWARDS up it on a raft to it's source, he finds, a black panther guarding a bunch of broken pottery under the leaves....
Big Tip for the director here... Ancient Cities bury EVERYTHING in feet of dirt when they go vanished, EXCEPT their gigantic cyclopean RUINS.... you know, the gigantic step pyramids?? People think they are triangle shaped mountains? This is all that remains. You certainly don't find them by tripping over broken pottery that is scattered around on the jungle floor, which would make it at most, what, 100 years old?
After weeks and weeks of searching for this, (or is it years and years... we really don't know, his wife was preggers when he left, and has a 1 year old when he returns, yet somehow mysteriously his son has aged at least 5 years...), he immediately does a 'well, that was neat. Let's get back.' and they jump back on the raft and leave, with ZERO exploration, investigation, anything.
Then we have a brief interlude in WWI, where our hero charges a German machine gun position with a pistol, get's gassed, and loses his vision.
One annoying thing is this movie was the attempt to bring modern day morality and rights into early 20th century England. Women demanding equal treatment and defying their husband, and children yelling at their father. It was all very jarring and 'out of period'. If your going to do a historic piece, make it historic, complete with the sexism, the heavy handed discipline, etc etc.
Finally the sound quality in this movie is atrocious. We had to dial it up to 75 to make out what they were saying in many scenes, and then you realize it's because they are mumbling! Mumble mumbles, all the way through, and WAY too many dark scenes. Dark English mansions. Dark ship holds. Dark jungle floors. You need a flashlight to watch this.
This movie could have been so much more.
Instead we are 'treated' to endless 'in-the-dark room filming', with stoffy English gentlemen 'harrumphing' at each other endlessly.
When our hero finally DOES find the ancient city, by magically riding a river BACKWARDS up it on a raft to it's source, he finds, a black panther guarding a bunch of broken pottery under the leaves....
Big Tip for the director here... Ancient Cities bury EVERYTHING in feet of dirt when they go vanished, EXCEPT their gigantic cyclopean RUINS.... you know, the gigantic step pyramids?? People think they are triangle shaped mountains? This is all that remains. You certainly don't find them by tripping over broken pottery that is scattered around on the jungle floor, which would make it at most, what, 100 years old?
After weeks and weeks of searching for this, (or is it years and years... we really don't know, his wife was preggers when he left, and has a 1 year old when he returns, yet somehow mysteriously his son has aged at least 5 years...), he immediately does a 'well, that was neat. Let's get back.' and they jump back on the raft and leave, with ZERO exploration, investigation, anything.
Then we have a brief interlude in WWI, where our hero charges a German machine gun position with a pistol, get's gassed, and loses his vision.
One annoying thing is this movie was the attempt to bring modern day morality and rights into early 20th century England. Women demanding equal treatment and defying their husband, and children yelling at their father. It was all very jarring and 'out of period'. If your going to do a historic piece, make it historic, complete with the sexism, the heavy handed discipline, etc etc.
Finally the sound quality in this movie is atrocious. We had to dial it up to 75 to make out what they were saying in many scenes, and then you realize it's because they are mumbling! Mumble mumbles, all the way through, and WAY too many dark scenes. Dark English mansions. Dark ship holds. Dark jungle floors. You need a flashlight to watch this.
Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
A mediocre addition to an already bloated superhero catelogue
What has Marvel done to Spiderman?
I'm of the opinion that once a movie has 'topped', in short, realized it's full potential, achieved all the glory you may have imagined it, from reading the books or watching the much crapp-ier versions, I'm done, I'm OUT. I won't watch again.
This is, of course, very problematic for the movie money generating machine, which must continuously pump out the tried-and-true tropes and stories that always gen cash.
Apparently one of those is poor Spiderman, who has gone from the initial high of Tobey Maguier's near perfect rendition, backed by a solid Goblin from Willem Dafoe, to this... half melted slushy on a 711 floor, with Michael Keaton (!) as the really boring lame villain, Aunt May is a drop dead gorgeous ailf, and Mary Jane is non-existent as a love interest. Uncle Ben is gone. Tony Stark provides and taketh aways all the toys. No back story is explained. No radioactive spider is explained. Peter needs his own goo-spitters.
I was dragged into this by my 17 yo daughter, who liked it, and that's who this is written for. But ONLY this time. NO parents will enjoy, as opposed to the first time out.
This is by far the worst spiderman movie since the first of the 'new orginals' blew us all out of the water.
I'm of the opinion that once a movie has 'topped', in short, realized it's full potential, achieved all the glory you may have imagined it, from reading the books or watching the much crapp-ier versions, I'm done, I'm OUT. I won't watch again.
This is, of course, very problematic for the movie money generating machine, which must continuously pump out the tried-and-true tropes and stories that always gen cash.
Apparently one of those is poor Spiderman, who has gone from the initial high of Tobey Maguier's near perfect rendition, backed by a solid Goblin from Willem Dafoe, to this... half melted slushy on a 711 floor, with Michael Keaton (!) as the really boring lame villain, Aunt May is a drop dead gorgeous ailf, and Mary Jane is non-existent as a love interest. Uncle Ben is gone. Tony Stark provides and taketh aways all the toys. No back story is explained. No radioactive spider is explained. Peter needs his own goo-spitters.
I was dragged into this by my 17 yo daughter, who liked it, and that's who this is written for. But ONLY this time. NO parents will enjoy, as opposed to the first time out.
This is by far the worst spiderman movie since the first of the 'new orginals' blew us all out of the water.
Dunkirk (2017)
One of those Highly Annoying Jump Around in Time movies, about a bunch of guys standing on a beach
I went into Dunkirk with high hopes, respecting the director, and impressed with what I had seen from the previews, but expecting they were hiding the best for last in the movie.
I left confused, disappointed, and as I walked back over the movie, I grew increasingly so.
This movie, which, if we were to believe the media hype around it, is a proud return to the stellar WWII movies of our youth, in short, a complete opposite to the disaster that was the 2001 Pearl Harbour movie. NO CGI!!! We are informed, as if that somehow indicates the signs of a GOOD movie...
Instead we are treated to an incredibly boring 2 hours of guys standing on a beach, an old fella driving his boat, and some very leisurely and boring flying.
I was disappointed going in that the movie was only 2 hours. 'Barely enough time to give such a subject the grandeur it deserves' many were saying.
Instead I was staring at my watch, begging this snore fest to be done, and begging that the ludicrous stories would not be overtopped by even more ludicrousness.
I was wrong, the finale, which I'll get to, is so completely ridiculous that one wonders if they were hoping for zero pilots in the audience.
No, I'm not a WWII war buff who is going to rip this movie a new one because of technicalities. The mistakes are both small and huge in this movie, and seemingly never ending.
The movie makes an attempt to separate the topics into 3 main areas: Land, Sea, and Air. Or, to be more accurate, Boring scenes of guys standing around at the beach, lots of guys drowning in multiple ship sinkings while grandpa putters with his son and friend to the rescue, and leisurely Sunday flight maneuvers with a couple of planes.
LAND.
In trying to be realistic, C. Nolan, instead of CGI'ing the spectacle of 400,000 desperate soldiers crowding on a beach awaiting rescue, we are shown maybe 500, many of which are apparently cardboard. It's about the size of a rock concert lineup outside the stadium on Friday night, for an old 70's band. The guys are bored, we are bored.
Occasionally a dive bomber comes down to drop some bombs and kill 1 guy or 2. Then back to smoking and staring at the sea. When this seems like it will just never end, we get a scene change as some soldiers find an old boat and try to sit in it and wait for the tide. Yes, this is a riveting scene of guys sitting in a boat waiting for the tide to come in. And it's exciting compared to what we saw previously. Then a guy loses his mind and decides someone must die, for some bizarre reason, he figures if one guy get's out the bullethole ridden hulk will finally float.
SEA.
We are treated so multiple ship sinkings and guys drowning. It's never ending. If you are a shipwreck survivor, I HIGHLY Recommend YOU AVOID THIS MOVIE!!!! It will re-ignite your PTSD. We see the same sinking over and over, from multiple angles because? THIS MOVIE JUMPS AROUND IN TIME.
I am biased, as I ABSOLUTELY HATE movies that jump around in time. This is one of the worst I have seen in years for that.
AIR.
They have only 1 German bomber left that can fly, apparently, so we are treated to that, exactly ONE bomber. Flying around and around, aka jump around in time, from multiple angles. Now the technical details come to the front, as droves of pilots walk to the exits. The spitfire fighters have an inexhaustible supply of bullets. The German planes refuse to get out of the way of the bullets. The spitfire pilots appear bored as bullets strike their planes. All planes execute lazy, civilian aircraft lazy turns and banks, as if they are all out for a nice Sunday fly.
The spitfire pilot flies around for the last ten minutes with his thumb on the fire trigger, as if he doesn't know what the heck he is doing. Then he proceeds to glide for about 10 minutes with no fuel, and shoot down a German plane, in a heavy fighter plane that would have been on the beach in 2 minutes with zero banking or turning. He glides up and down the beach like this for what seems an eternity. It is maddening.
Finally, a guy ditches his plane in the drink but FORGETS TO OPEN HIS CANOPY FIRST. A cardinal sin for any pilot. He is rescued by a kid with a boathook, who somehow manages to chop through his canopy in one blow, even though it's already under water. Cringeworthy.
MUSIC FAULTS
As a young lad loads lifejackets onto his dad's boat, we are treated to a hammering tension filled score that one would expect for the imminent attack of JAWS. No jaws, or Godzilla happens, just... a ... kid... slowly loading lifejackets... on a boat.
SOUND FAULTS
As stated, they accidentally put the '20mm cannon guns firing' noise over top of the German bomber machine guns firing. See Battle of Britain for a properly done WWII flying picture.
EDITING FAULTS
The movie jumps around in time so much one is quickly infuriated. It appears we are watching 20 minutes of film that is stretched to 2 hours using the multiple camera angles.
FALSE DANGERS
Finally,
There was zero rough stormy seas during Dunkirk. It was the opposite actually, unusually calm.
There was zero issue with the tide at Dunkirk. They had boarding options all the way from high tide to low.
Both of these are used as tension elements and plot elements in the movie.
I left confused, disappointed, and as I walked back over the movie, I grew increasingly so.
This movie, which, if we were to believe the media hype around it, is a proud return to the stellar WWII movies of our youth, in short, a complete opposite to the disaster that was the 2001 Pearl Harbour movie. NO CGI!!! We are informed, as if that somehow indicates the signs of a GOOD movie...
Instead we are treated to an incredibly boring 2 hours of guys standing on a beach, an old fella driving his boat, and some very leisurely and boring flying.
I was disappointed going in that the movie was only 2 hours. 'Barely enough time to give such a subject the grandeur it deserves' many were saying.
Instead I was staring at my watch, begging this snore fest to be done, and begging that the ludicrous stories would not be overtopped by even more ludicrousness.
I was wrong, the finale, which I'll get to, is so completely ridiculous that one wonders if they were hoping for zero pilots in the audience.
No, I'm not a WWII war buff who is going to rip this movie a new one because of technicalities. The mistakes are both small and huge in this movie, and seemingly never ending.
The movie makes an attempt to separate the topics into 3 main areas: Land, Sea, and Air. Or, to be more accurate, Boring scenes of guys standing around at the beach, lots of guys drowning in multiple ship sinkings while grandpa putters with his son and friend to the rescue, and leisurely Sunday flight maneuvers with a couple of planes.
LAND.
In trying to be realistic, C. Nolan, instead of CGI'ing the spectacle of 400,000 desperate soldiers crowding on a beach awaiting rescue, we are shown maybe 500, many of which are apparently cardboard. It's about the size of a rock concert lineup outside the stadium on Friday night, for an old 70's band. The guys are bored, we are bored.
Occasionally a dive bomber comes down to drop some bombs and kill 1 guy or 2. Then back to smoking and staring at the sea. When this seems like it will just never end, we get a scene change as some soldiers find an old boat and try to sit in it and wait for the tide. Yes, this is a riveting scene of guys sitting in a boat waiting for the tide to come in. And it's exciting compared to what we saw previously. Then a guy loses his mind and decides someone must die, for some bizarre reason, he figures if one guy get's out the bullethole ridden hulk will finally float.
SEA.
We are treated so multiple ship sinkings and guys drowning. It's never ending. If you are a shipwreck survivor, I HIGHLY Recommend YOU AVOID THIS MOVIE!!!! It will re-ignite your PTSD. We see the same sinking over and over, from multiple angles because? THIS MOVIE JUMPS AROUND IN TIME.
I am biased, as I ABSOLUTELY HATE movies that jump around in time. This is one of the worst I have seen in years for that.
AIR.
They have only 1 German bomber left that can fly, apparently, so we are treated to that, exactly ONE bomber. Flying around and around, aka jump around in time, from multiple angles. Now the technical details come to the front, as droves of pilots walk to the exits. The spitfire fighters have an inexhaustible supply of bullets. The German planes refuse to get out of the way of the bullets. The spitfire pilots appear bored as bullets strike their planes. All planes execute lazy, civilian aircraft lazy turns and banks, as if they are all out for a nice Sunday fly.
The spitfire pilot flies around for the last ten minutes with his thumb on the fire trigger, as if he doesn't know what the heck he is doing. Then he proceeds to glide for about 10 minutes with no fuel, and shoot down a German plane, in a heavy fighter plane that would have been on the beach in 2 minutes with zero banking or turning. He glides up and down the beach like this for what seems an eternity. It is maddening.
Finally, a guy ditches his plane in the drink but FORGETS TO OPEN HIS CANOPY FIRST. A cardinal sin for any pilot. He is rescued by a kid with a boathook, who somehow manages to chop through his canopy in one blow, even though it's already under water. Cringeworthy.
MUSIC FAULTS
As a young lad loads lifejackets onto his dad's boat, we are treated to a hammering tension filled score that one would expect for the imminent attack of JAWS. No jaws, or Godzilla happens, just... a ... kid... slowly loading lifejackets... on a boat.
SOUND FAULTS
As stated, they accidentally put the '20mm cannon guns firing' noise over top of the German bomber machine guns firing. See Battle of Britain for a properly done WWII flying picture.
EDITING FAULTS
The movie jumps around in time so much one is quickly infuriated. It appears we are watching 20 minutes of film that is stretched to 2 hours using the multiple camera angles.
FALSE DANGERS
Finally,
There was zero rough stormy seas during Dunkirk. It was the opposite actually, unusually calm.
There was zero issue with the tide at Dunkirk. They had boarding options all the way from high tide to low.
Both of these are used as tension elements and plot elements in the movie.
War for the Planet of the Apes (2017)
A dark and well acted APE-OCOLYPSE NOW
Viewers hoping for a straight up apes vs humans war movie will be very disappointed, and thank god for that, because there's just no point in such an endeavour.
What this delivers instead is an homage to Apocalypse Now, with Woody H. filling the role of the mad Col. Kurtz, and Caesar the Ape King playing the flawed and conflicted role of assassin Willard.
The humans are fragmented into tribal groups, organized around former military bases. The main ape tribe unfortunately sets up camp by one of the more insane and nastier of those groups, that enjoys slaughtering apes and their children en masse and sport catchy phrases on their helmets like 'Bedtime for Bonzo'.
After the humans kill his wife and oldest son, Caesar must choose between trying to save the rest of his tribe or go on a scalp hunt for the crazed Kurtz-styled leader of the humans, masterfully played by Woody Harrelson. Woody really wanted to play an ape, and argued unsuccessfully for that, but in the end, Brando would have been proud and he balances the mentally frail and unbalanced survivor with the crazed psychopath exterior. Andy Serkis also delivers in his masterful portrayal of Caesar, haunted by visions of his dark half now dead brother in arms, Kobo, and when he must choose violence and when he must turn the cheek.
There's little to complain about in this finale, even the comic sidekick character is amusing and well played. In a summer of so far dismality, this movie shines above as a near perfect ending to a fantastic reboot trilogy.
What this delivers instead is an homage to Apocalypse Now, with Woody H. filling the role of the mad Col. Kurtz, and Caesar the Ape King playing the flawed and conflicted role of assassin Willard.
The humans are fragmented into tribal groups, organized around former military bases. The main ape tribe unfortunately sets up camp by one of the more insane and nastier of those groups, that enjoys slaughtering apes and their children en masse and sport catchy phrases on their helmets like 'Bedtime for Bonzo'.
After the humans kill his wife and oldest son, Caesar must choose between trying to save the rest of his tribe or go on a scalp hunt for the crazed Kurtz-styled leader of the humans, masterfully played by Woody Harrelson. Woody really wanted to play an ape, and argued unsuccessfully for that, but in the end, Brando would have been proud and he balances the mentally frail and unbalanced survivor with the crazed psychopath exterior. Andy Serkis also delivers in his masterful portrayal of Caesar, haunted by visions of his dark half now dead brother in arms, Kobo, and when he must choose violence and when he must turn the cheek.
There's little to complain about in this finale, even the comic sidekick character is amusing and well played. In a summer of so far dismality, this movie shines above as a near perfect ending to a fantastic reboot trilogy.
Alone (2015)
A good survival show that stumbles with tedium at times
I'm currently watching season 4 of this show, which had a bizarre misstep last year by relocating to Patagonia of all places.
The show is an endurance survival show, with participants dropped off in a remote part of Vancouver Island (except for last season, which was in Patagonia). They must then survive until 1 is left, with loneliness usually crushing most (as per the show's appropriate title).
This season they have shaken it up by having teams of two, one of which must set up camp and the other who must find them, dropped off 10 miles away.
The contestants, ala Survivorman, must do all their own filming, which doubles (at least!) the effort required. How the cameras keep rolling, with no semi-trucks of batteries in sight, is an interesting question...
As expected then, with a bunch of amateur filmers also trying to just survive, the camera work is Blair Witch shaky and bad, with lenses frequently fogged over and smeared.
Also, there is precious little good film, as the contestants grow tired and cranky and have little energy for quality film making.
This perhaps explains the bad starting to every season, where they spend way too much time showing the contestants at home.
It would be nice to see each contestant go over each survival item they are bringing and why, as this is left as a mystery and detracts from the show. Instead we see endless montages of the contestants frolicking with children and dogs prior to leaving.
Despite this, the show does a fairly good job of stitching the various pieces of sow's ears, into a reasonable silk purse, with encounters with bears, wolves, cougars, and spiders, all presented in horror fashion. There's also something car-crash-attractive about watching a starving person slice up a banana slug and fry it like calamari, before hungrily gobbling it down...
The show is an endurance survival show, with participants dropped off in a remote part of Vancouver Island (except for last season, which was in Patagonia). They must then survive until 1 is left, with loneliness usually crushing most (as per the show's appropriate title).
This season they have shaken it up by having teams of two, one of which must set up camp and the other who must find them, dropped off 10 miles away.
The contestants, ala Survivorman, must do all their own filming, which doubles (at least!) the effort required. How the cameras keep rolling, with no semi-trucks of batteries in sight, is an interesting question...
As expected then, with a bunch of amateur filmers also trying to just survive, the camera work is Blair Witch shaky and bad, with lenses frequently fogged over and smeared.
Also, there is precious little good film, as the contestants grow tired and cranky and have little energy for quality film making.
This perhaps explains the bad starting to every season, where they spend way too much time showing the contestants at home.
It would be nice to see each contestant go over each survival item they are bringing and why, as this is left as a mystery and detracts from the show. Instead we see endless montages of the contestants frolicking with children and dogs prior to leaving.
Despite this, the show does a fairly good job of stitching the various pieces of sow's ears, into a reasonable silk purse, with encounters with bears, wolves, cougars, and spiders, all presented in horror fashion. There's also something car-crash-attractive about watching a starving person slice up a banana slug and fry it like calamari, before hungrily gobbling it down...
Penny Dreadful (2014)
A company of pretty monsters walking around in the dark
What to make of this series...
When it is truly good, it is DREADFULLY GOOD... and when it is bad, it is TRULY DREADFUL.
Even describing it is difficult. Is it British version of American Horror Story? No. It is not very scary, and oftentimes rather boring.
Is it a series of short stories woven together to form a string of Penny Dreadfuls as the title suggests? No, not that either, which is too bad, that would have been very good.
Is it a Steam Punk monster investigation bureau flick? No, not that either, although it strays in this direction in it's meanderings, which also, would have been good, in its own right.
What does shine out from it's near perpetual nighttime scenes, which occasionally get absolutely maddening (I swear I've stared at a completely dark screen in this show for 15 to 20 seconds, with only the occasional half a face or one hand showing up.) DO NOT watch this during daylight...is character development.
Character development is top notch, other than some exceptions (Dr. Jekyll being a major disappointment int his regard....) with Eva Green pretty much carrying the show on her demonically-possessed shoulders. The crazy invented language dialogue they made her memorize alone is astonishing to watch.
This show presents humans as the true monsters, and monsters as the pale catch-ups. Just do a body count of people horrifically murdered in Season 3 by humans compared to the monster body count to verify this.
The Bride of Frankenstein is presented as a drop dead gorgeous voluptuous blonde who get's a hate on for men as her former prostitute memories come back. There's nary a neck-bolt or lighting streaked hair-do in sight. Making her a tad more horror-ful while still having a naughty dark goth girl side would have done wonders for suspension of belief. Her fated non-partner The Monster, otoh, is rather tragi-comically done up as a sort of pale-blue Goth version of Ozzy Osbourne, complete with goth makeup and long flowing black metal head hair, and it was trying at times to keep from laughing when he was attempting a serious shot at poetry. I kept waiting for him to whip an electric guitar out of his cloak and launch into a lick of Crazy Train.
The cowboy gun-totin' werewolf get's a classic 1950's Wolf Man getup which is also quite comical to observe.
Perhaps the show stealers are the coven of satanic witches, who can shape shift into strange, almost alien, vampire like creatures covered in satantic tattoos. These at least bring the right formulae of dread and danger countered with astonishing beauty. That they are dispatched almost casually in their battle royale is a great insult to the horror gravitas they brought to the series.
Dracula shows up much too late and much too lamely, imo. There is zero dread to him and his warehouse of vampires comes across as so many easily killed rat-people as seen in your standard zombie horde to be massaquered with bullets in Walking Dead.
Our misguided steam punk monster killing team wanders aimlessly over the fog shrouded London landscape (or very weirdly, across the cowboy deserts of the US) blindly committing acts both fair and fowl, leaving us in the end unsure of who really to root for, and finally, not caring in the slightest who lives or dies.
Despite all this the show does hook one in, with excellent sound and music atmospherics, costuming, and acting. Perhaps all my critiques above was the point after all. Humans are the truest and evilist of all monsters. We all stagger in a miasma of moral ambiguity, there is no shining victory at the end of the battle, just blood, bodies, and regrets.
When it is truly good, it is DREADFULLY GOOD... and when it is bad, it is TRULY DREADFUL.
Even describing it is difficult. Is it British version of American Horror Story? No. It is not very scary, and oftentimes rather boring.
Is it a series of short stories woven together to form a string of Penny Dreadfuls as the title suggests? No, not that either, which is too bad, that would have been very good.
Is it a Steam Punk monster investigation bureau flick? No, not that either, although it strays in this direction in it's meanderings, which also, would have been good, in its own right.
What does shine out from it's near perpetual nighttime scenes, which occasionally get absolutely maddening (I swear I've stared at a completely dark screen in this show for 15 to 20 seconds, with only the occasional half a face or one hand showing up.) DO NOT watch this during daylight...is character development.
Character development is top notch, other than some exceptions (Dr. Jekyll being a major disappointment int his regard....) with Eva Green pretty much carrying the show on her demonically-possessed shoulders. The crazy invented language dialogue they made her memorize alone is astonishing to watch.
This show presents humans as the true monsters, and monsters as the pale catch-ups. Just do a body count of people horrifically murdered in Season 3 by humans compared to the monster body count to verify this.
The Bride of Frankenstein is presented as a drop dead gorgeous voluptuous blonde who get's a hate on for men as her former prostitute memories come back. There's nary a neck-bolt or lighting streaked hair-do in sight. Making her a tad more horror-ful while still having a naughty dark goth girl side would have done wonders for suspension of belief. Her fated non-partner The Monster, otoh, is rather tragi-comically done up as a sort of pale-blue Goth version of Ozzy Osbourne, complete with goth makeup and long flowing black metal head hair, and it was trying at times to keep from laughing when he was attempting a serious shot at poetry. I kept waiting for him to whip an electric guitar out of his cloak and launch into a lick of Crazy Train.
The cowboy gun-totin' werewolf get's a classic 1950's Wolf Man getup which is also quite comical to observe.
Perhaps the show stealers are the coven of satanic witches, who can shape shift into strange, almost alien, vampire like creatures covered in satantic tattoos. These at least bring the right formulae of dread and danger countered with astonishing beauty. That they are dispatched almost casually in their battle royale is a great insult to the horror gravitas they brought to the series.
Dracula shows up much too late and much too lamely, imo. There is zero dread to him and his warehouse of vampires comes across as so many easily killed rat-people as seen in your standard zombie horde to be massaquered with bullets in Walking Dead.
Our misguided steam punk monster killing team wanders aimlessly over the fog shrouded London landscape (or very weirdly, across the cowboy deserts of the US) blindly committing acts both fair and fowl, leaving us in the end unsure of who really to root for, and finally, not caring in the slightest who lives or dies.
Despite all this the show does hook one in, with excellent sound and music atmospherics, costuming, and acting. Perhaps all my critiques above was the point after all. Humans are the truest and evilist of all monsters. We all stagger in a miasma of moral ambiguity, there is no shining victory at the end of the battle, just blood, bodies, and regrets.
Life (2017)
The Blob Meets Alien
This is a movie about the crew of the ISS analyzing Mars samples and discovering they contain life, which quickly grows into a blob- starfish creature that is virtually indestructible.
If you've seen The Blob, where the small little blob get's on someone's hand and eats merrily away until it's bigger, that's your first half of movie. Second half is an Alien like movie with astronauts alternatively running from or hunting the starfish blob as it grows larger and larger.
Unfortunately, this is on the ISS, which has been enhanced and made MUCH bigger than it really is, but the movie still feels like five college kids trying to deal with a badger that got on the school bus. The station is MUCH too small for this type of movie, which is why they set the original Alien on a gigantic space mining ship.
Other reviewers have ripped this movie a new one with all of the plot holes, bad writing, and faulty logic in this one.
Ryan Renolds appears to have wanted ten mins cash and is in the movie for that long it seems, quickly dying off. Unfortunately, his positive, wise-cracking character, who quickly realizes first that studying alien life on a tiny space station is just plain STUUUUpid, but nobody listens, is the highlight of the movie...
Jake G. does his usual bare acting capability and comes across as a PTSD Iraq war medic stuck on the station to keep him away from humans and reduce his VA payments. He is brooding, depressed, moody, and drags the movie down.
The creature is most believable and scary as an infant, and quickly as it grows becomes a badly done cgi mess that is not believable and inconsistent.
A final note, this movie was made several years after a Russian cosmonaut on the ISS declared they had discovered unknown life living on the outside of one of the ISS windows.... yet no mention is made of this, either in the beginning or in the credits. Nice waste of a real-life tie-in!
If you've seen The Blob, where the small little blob get's on someone's hand and eats merrily away until it's bigger, that's your first half of movie. Second half is an Alien like movie with astronauts alternatively running from or hunting the starfish blob as it grows larger and larger.
Unfortunately, this is on the ISS, which has been enhanced and made MUCH bigger than it really is, but the movie still feels like five college kids trying to deal with a badger that got on the school bus. The station is MUCH too small for this type of movie, which is why they set the original Alien on a gigantic space mining ship.
Other reviewers have ripped this movie a new one with all of the plot holes, bad writing, and faulty logic in this one.
Ryan Renolds appears to have wanted ten mins cash and is in the movie for that long it seems, quickly dying off. Unfortunately, his positive, wise-cracking character, who quickly realizes first that studying alien life on a tiny space station is just plain STUUUUpid, but nobody listens, is the highlight of the movie...
Jake G. does his usual bare acting capability and comes across as a PTSD Iraq war medic stuck on the station to keep him away from humans and reduce his VA payments. He is brooding, depressed, moody, and drags the movie down.
The creature is most believable and scary as an infant, and quickly as it grows becomes a badly done cgi mess that is not believable and inconsistent.
A final note, this movie was made several years after a Russian cosmonaut on the ISS declared they had discovered unknown life living on the outside of one of the ISS windows.... yet no mention is made of this, either in the beginning or in the credits. Nice waste of a real-life tie-in!
The Mummy (2017)
Better than expected but Tom and Russell definitely sink it
I was dragged into this movie after reading 100% bad reviews on it everywhere I turned. I was expecting to sleep and perhaps spend quality time in the theatre bathroom.
instead I actually started to really enjoy this movie, until Tom Cruise pulled down his scarf and began his sabotage.
The visuals are stunning, if a bit weird at times (a shot of a Pharaoh and his daughter gazing at the pyramids has them represented in their present-day decay, not shining and brand new as they would have been during the Pharaoh's time)
Set, btw, is NOT the Ancient Egyptian 'God of Death', he is the god of desert, storms, chaos, violence, and foreigners. The closest they have to a god of death is a good guy, Anubis, who is really more of a funeral director... anyway, history lesson over...
Sofia Boutella is simply stunn-a-lishious as the evil usurper queen Ahmanet. She rocks the skimpy bandages most effectively.
Tom, otoh, is a Mission Impossible agent trapped in a monster movie, and he runs around literally trying to escape it (or have sex with Sofia...) the entire movie. Horror-if-ic mis-cast here, and now he's trapped in the series, which I hope dies a horrible screaming death like a vampire trapped in a sun room at dawn.
Tom fights hordes of zombies, getting his foot or hand stuck in them more than once, and has a swim race with some.
Russell Crowe is just as bad as Tom, playing a simply horrible version of Dr. Jekyl, which consists of Russell Crowe, and turning into Mr. Hyde, consists of Purple Russell Crowe with a Cockney accent.
Sofia tries to save the movie, mostly consisting of strutting entrances with men bowing to her, was waiting for the linen-wrapped dance pole rise up from the ground. And she is the best part of the movie.
I cringe to think where we are going with this Dark Universe, and it's aim to completely destroy the careers of two A-list actors.
instead I actually started to really enjoy this movie, until Tom Cruise pulled down his scarf and began his sabotage.
The visuals are stunning, if a bit weird at times (a shot of a Pharaoh and his daughter gazing at the pyramids has them represented in their present-day decay, not shining and brand new as they would have been during the Pharaoh's time)
Set, btw, is NOT the Ancient Egyptian 'God of Death', he is the god of desert, storms, chaos, violence, and foreigners. The closest they have to a god of death is a good guy, Anubis, who is really more of a funeral director... anyway, history lesson over...
Sofia Boutella is simply stunn-a-lishious as the evil usurper queen Ahmanet. She rocks the skimpy bandages most effectively.
Tom, otoh, is a Mission Impossible agent trapped in a monster movie, and he runs around literally trying to escape it (or have sex with Sofia...) the entire movie. Horror-if-ic mis-cast here, and now he's trapped in the series, which I hope dies a horrible screaming death like a vampire trapped in a sun room at dawn.
Tom fights hordes of zombies, getting his foot or hand stuck in them more than once, and has a swim race with some.
Russell Crowe is just as bad as Tom, playing a simply horrible version of Dr. Jekyl, which consists of Russell Crowe, and turning into Mr. Hyde, consists of Purple Russell Crowe with a Cockney accent.
Sofia tries to save the movie, mostly consisting of strutting entrances with men bowing to her, was waiting for the linen-wrapped dance pole rise up from the ground. And she is the best part of the movie.
I cringe to think where we are going with this Dark Universe, and it's aim to completely destroy the careers of two A-list actors.
The Iron Giant (1999)
A giant alien robot teaches the value of morality
This remains my favorite animated movie of all time and survives frequent re-watch.
The Iron Giant tells the tale of a giant robotic killing machine that falls to Earth in the paranoid days of 1950's America, after the sputnik launch.
Fortunately for the small Maine town, the robot's AI get's scrambled by a bad fall after short-circuiting on eating a power plant.
This movie combines the best elements of 1950's giant monster movies, x-files investigations, and good old lessons on morality and the dangers of war and violence.
The voice acting in this movie is top shelf, well beyond typical Disney style crap, with Harry Connick Jr, Jennifer Anniston, Vin Diesel, Christopher McDonald, and Eli Marienthal providing stand out performances.
Our young red ryder bb gun totin' hero, Hogarth Hughes, must feed and hide his new pet giant alien robot, as a government x-file agent snoops around and government forces close in.
The finale is a jaw-dropping War of the Worlds action fest extravaganza, as the robot's lethal AI reactivates briefly due to threats against his new boy master.
The animation is incredible, with F-86 Sabres, M-48 tanks, the battleship New Jersey, and the ssbn Nautilus all beautifully rendered in 100% accuracy. The soundtrack is also a treat, with the first half of the movie filled with classic 1950's radio hits, and the last half with menacing sci fi thriller tones that leave you on the edge of your seat.
The movie is full of fun developments, like when the child-like giant robot begins to see itself as a copy of Superman after Hogarth reads it comic books in the barn. The robot's true nature however soon becomes apparent when it witnesses hunters shoot and kill a deer, and the automatic programming registers the human guns as a threat.
Harry Connic turns in a fantastic performance as the beatnik junkyard collector and artist Dean, and Jennifer Anniston does a fantastic job as Hogarth's overworked but ever doting young mother.
The Iron Giant tells the tale of a giant robotic killing machine that falls to Earth in the paranoid days of 1950's America, after the sputnik launch.
Fortunately for the small Maine town, the robot's AI get's scrambled by a bad fall after short-circuiting on eating a power plant.
This movie combines the best elements of 1950's giant monster movies, x-files investigations, and good old lessons on morality and the dangers of war and violence.
The voice acting in this movie is top shelf, well beyond typical Disney style crap, with Harry Connick Jr, Jennifer Anniston, Vin Diesel, Christopher McDonald, and Eli Marienthal providing stand out performances.
Our young red ryder bb gun totin' hero, Hogarth Hughes, must feed and hide his new pet giant alien robot, as a government x-file agent snoops around and government forces close in.
The finale is a jaw-dropping War of the Worlds action fest extravaganza, as the robot's lethal AI reactivates briefly due to threats against his new boy master.
The animation is incredible, with F-86 Sabres, M-48 tanks, the battleship New Jersey, and the ssbn Nautilus all beautifully rendered in 100% accuracy. The soundtrack is also a treat, with the first half of the movie filled with classic 1950's radio hits, and the last half with menacing sci fi thriller tones that leave you on the edge of your seat.
The movie is full of fun developments, like when the child-like giant robot begins to see itself as a copy of Superman after Hogarth reads it comic books in the barn. The robot's true nature however soon becomes apparent when it witnesses hunters shoot and kill a deer, and the automatic programming registers the human guns as a threat.
Harry Connic turns in a fantastic performance as the beatnik junkyard collector and artist Dean, and Jennifer Anniston does a fantastic job as Hogarth's overworked but ever doting young mother.
A Lobster Tale (2006)
Worse than an ABC Afterschool Special
I'm not sure how down on his luck Colm Meaney must be to agree to star in this horrific stinker of a movie.
Set in New Hampshire, where people apparently talk like Canadians trying to fake an Irish accent, we have the tiny little tale of a lobsterman who finds a chunk of neon green magic moss.
Not even starting with the obvious statement that we 'just don't like movies like this anymore', this is post 911, nobody is innocent, and magic is crap.
The movie uses celtic tunes, and a lead actor with a very thick Irish accent, who absolutely cannot hide this in the movie trying to play an American lobsterman, so the audience can be forgiven for thinking this takes place in Ireland or perhaps Newfoundland.
The time period seems to be the 70's, however, the police chief very obviously struts around with a post 2000's Starbucks Frappachino in his hand in all scenes (yeah, not even kidding...)
The acting, however, is where this horror really divebombs. I know it's hard to find good young teenage actors... but the acting by the kids in this movie is below even one of those 'afterschool specials' we all used to come home to and yuck yuck through. I've seen MUCH better acting by adolescents on Degrassi Junior High.
The 'town yokels' are also a real abomination... it is truly painful to watch the acting in this movie.
...And then there's the old man who wants magic moss on his weener to give him an erection... yes. they went there. Awful, horrific, the worst movie I have ever seen, a monumental waste of my time... these are all phrases that leap to mind when describing this... thing.
Set in New Hampshire, where people apparently talk like Canadians trying to fake an Irish accent, we have the tiny little tale of a lobsterman who finds a chunk of neon green magic moss.
Not even starting with the obvious statement that we 'just don't like movies like this anymore', this is post 911, nobody is innocent, and magic is crap.
The movie uses celtic tunes, and a lead actor with a very thick Irish accent, who absolutely cannot hide this in the movie trying to play an American lobsterman, so the audience can be forgiven for thinking this takes place in Ireland or perhaps Newfoundland.
The time period seems to be the 70's, however, the police chief very obviously struts around with a post 2000's Starbucks Frappachino in his hand in all scenes (yeah, not even kidding...)
The acting, however, is where this horror really divebombs. I know it's hard to find good young teenage actors... but the acting by the kids in this movie is below even one of those 'afterschool specials' we all used to come home to and yuck yuck through. I've seen MUCH better acting by adolescents on Degrassi Junior High.
The 'town yokels' are also a real abomination... it is truly painful to watch the acting in this movie.
...And then there's the old man who wants magic moss on his weener to give him an erection... yes. they went there. Awful, horrific, the worst movie I have ever seen, a monumental waste of my time... these are all phrases that leap to mind when describing this... thing.
Wonder Woman (2017)
Wait... Ares God of War is... wait...
I am somewhat surprised by the overwhelming female reaction to Gal Gadot's Wonder Woman, seeing as she is the product of a distraught 1940's shrink and his BDSM fantasy woman, designed to save him from WWII while domming him with her knee high boots and truth extracting bondage rope. Gal G. pulls in a serviceable work on the big WW, bringing the required 'foreign' tang to her, the cheeky hints of sexuality, and leaving the 'Americanized' parts in the garbage where they belong. Despite the length of this movie, there is precious little time spent on any 'splainin' to her main sidekick, the very boytoy designed Chris Pine, who asks painfully few questions and is nearly 100% obsessed with sex when they are not shooting evil Germans. Why does Diana grow up yet her other Amazons do not? Why are there no boytoy men as playthings on the island? Why is their solution to war violence? I wonder how this movie will play in Germany, who are apparently made to be evil by a malicious god of war, Ares. German soldiers are dispatched like cockroaches in short order by our supposed heroine. We are not told that the British also used poison gas in WWI, and this is made a strictly German horror, spurred on by a demonic Greek god hiding in the wings... as David Thewlis. It's painfully obvious from the moment he starts his 'Chamberlain peace in our Time' speech that Thewlis is the real evil in sheep's clothing. However, for some completely bizarre reason, the director KEEPS HIM IN CHARACTER after he reveals himself as the God of War. So we have a super powered god of war flying around, with David Thewlis's face and British accent. It is so cringe-worthy it destroys the entire battle sequence at the end of the movie. Amazing fight visuals, the best being WW's attack on a German WWI trench, and second being the complete slaughter of a poor hapless band of German shipwreck survivors at the beginning of the movie, who feel the strange need to fight to the last man against an army of super- model women, I guess again, because Ares is making them 'evil'. A strange and not at all well-written movie, and yet, visually a treat. There you go.
War on Everyone (2016)
A 70's detective black comedy trainwreck mess
If you have enjoyed good 70's detective homages such as The Other Guys and Jackie Brown, then it is very disappointing to see a director completely ruin a potential new hit and cult movie here.
You can tell how disjointed and badly edited this movie is by the soundtrack, which tries multiple times to 'get us in the vibe' with cheesy 1970's cop show licks, only for the music to die an agonizing death as nothing at all happens during it. We are left watching endless boring stretches of film that should have been cut (the seemingly 5 minutes long part of the main gangster walking from his bedroom downstairs is one)
The two main characters, one a self-absorbed prick who likes to lounge in his silk kimono and make fun of his fat son, and the other, a total alcoholic loser who likes hitting on strippers, are NOT funny. NOT at all. The fall-flat jokes come at us a mile a minute, and the movie tries to see-saw between shocking black comedy and yuk yuk make fun of it comedy and oh so serious cop drama. It's a total mess and not worth your time, frankly.
You can tell how disjointed and badly edited this movie is by the soundtrack, which tries multiple times to 'get us in the vibe' with cheesy 1970's cop show licks, only for the music to die an agonizing death as nothing at all happens during it. We are left watching endless boring stretches of film that should have been cut (the seemingly 5 minutes long part of the main gangster walking from his bedroom downstairs is one)
The two main characters, one a self-absorbed prick who likes to lounge in his silk kimono and make fun of his fat son, and the other, a total alcoholic loser who likes hitting on strippers, are NOT funny. NOT at all. The fall-flat jokes come at us a mile a minute, and the movie tries to see-saw between shocking black comedy and yuk yuk make fun of it comedy and oh so serious cop drama. It's a total mess and not worth your time, frankly.