danielemerson

Do you have to know who the daffy aristocrat turned pulp romance conveyor belt Barbara Cartland was to enjoy this? I'm not sure you do.

A young Helena Bonham Carter heads a surprisingly high-quality cast in a story that everybody involved knew from the start was a preposterous bodice-ripper. Knowing this, they have fun, with some tremendously over-ripe performances.

If you're into authentic period drama, run screaming for the hills. This is a "two bottles of Lambrini" honker that's a lot of fun once you adopt the necessary mindset.

This is a review of the English-dubbed version, and I'm sorry, but the voices aren't a great fit to the characters. However, the film as a whole is intriguing and beautiful. It also gets a little unsettling at times, but in a good way.

One shortcoming common to all versions, however, is the lack of facial individuality of the characters. They don't show much in the way of expressions and when they do, they are a bit samey.

But this is still something I'd recommend on the whole. A leisurely trip through a very strange galaxy.

I first saw Fong Sai Yuk 1 & 2 years ago, and loved their mix of martial arts, wire-work and farcical humour. Jet Li is a fine leading man, playing the happy-go-lucky, but somewhat conceited Fong Sai Yuk, with all the scintillating moves you'd expect. This would make for a good movie on its own, but Josephine Siao as his formidable but eccentric mother effortlessly steals every scene she's in and takes it all to a different level. The supporting cast are fully committed to the deranged gusto of the whole thing, especially Chen Sung-Young. Both Fong Sai Yuk movies will thrill and entertain.

When you buy or rent a trashy B-movie, you have certain expectations. The main expectation is that you will be disappointed when the film is nowhere near as good as the artwork on the front of the box or the hyperbolic bumph on the back. 'Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers' is scrupulously honest in title, artwork and blurb. Purchase, rent or stream with confidence. What isn't as apparent before watching is that this is also a Raymond Chandler spoof. This is something which has been attempted many times, and usually delivers fewer laughs than HCH does. Scream queen legends Linnea Quigley (adorable) and Michelle Bauer (a very bad girl indeed) are great in this, while Jay Richardson mostly keeps on the endurable side of things as a Sam Spade caricature. Gunnar (Leatherface) Hansen is a bit subdued though; he could have been more of a charismatic baddie but is still decent enough as a looming presence..

I admit I saw the movie before I read the book. However, I love both of them, and I re-read and re-watched both before writing this. This is a story of the life of an unusual family, whose lives are mostly spent in hotels. Having no really grounded life, they are all trying to grow in their own ways, but while the family stays together physically, their personal paths take them to different psychological destinations. And, being based on a John Irving book, of course there are bears of different sorts. I think they did a decent job of compressing a sprawling tale into feature length, but I understand why people who love the novel would wince occasionally at the telescoping of events. Beau Bridges is fine as the quixotic Win Berry, while Rob Lowe hits the mark as the awkward second son in a charismatic family. It revolves around Jodie Foster's performance, though, just as the novel revolves around her character Franny. Then Paul McCrane, the actor you've seen before but can't remember where, Jennifer Dundas as little Lilly and Matthew Modine (in two roles) also bring their characters to life well. While I like to see Nastassja Kinski in most films, she was an odd pick for the character of Susie. She gives it a good go, but was not the ideal choice. Wallace Shawn, Wilford Brimley, Anita Morris and Amanda Plummer make as much as they can out of truncated roles. Other supporting characters are barely there, but the film would end up far too long if they tried to cram all the plot in. The score could have been a bit more original than mostly over-familiar classical favourites, and that might have helped support the rest of the film. Queen were involved in the score at some early point, but I don't think they'd have provided the right feel either. I'd recommend it, flawed as it is, but I'd recommend the book as well. Enjoy both.

This is a familiar revenge story, but the central character gives it a twist of its own. In everyday life, our protagonist is on crutches and feels ineffective, both in his work and with wooing the woman he loves. But a mystical tattoo on a condemned man's back gives him the instructions on how to gain power and sort out the corruption and violence that surrounds him. When doused in oil, he becomes a petrochemical-based killing machine, and wrongdoers are bumped off one by one. But with great power comes the all-too-familiar lack of self-control of tales like this. Topless actresses abound and those scenes are, while not graphic, sleazy and usually involve violence. The standard of acting is also as variable as you'd expect from a Shaw Brothers flick and the special effects are a bit naff. To be honest, there are some parts of this movie, especially in the first half, when the pace is a bit too slow to hold a casual viewer's interest. But as a whole, it is a schlock oddity that is worth your time.

Even by the lactose standards of cheesy movies, this is one deliriously kinky Casu Marzu. A Ken Russell spin on the Lambton Worm legend, this has a smorgasbord of tasteless fun and slumming stars.

Peter Capaldi (looking about eighteen years old) digs up a mysterious lizard skull, while harbouring the hots for Sammi Davis. Meanwhile, Sammi's sister is falling for the charms of a young Hugh Grant, who seems to be having a lot of fun with his incredibly fruity aristo role. Stratford Johns, as his butler, could have had more screen time, because he's excellent.

Enter Amanda Donohoe, as an immortal snake goddess, who wants to use the magic powers of the skull to supplant the impostor religion of Christianity. She's naked or nearly naked a lot of the time, but you expect that from a combination of her and Ken Russell, really. Early on, she bites a boy scout on his, ahem, woggle, so we can be reassured that good taste is right out of the window.

Chuck in flashbacks to the crucifixion, with added naked nuns plus Donohoe in blue body-paint, fellating a scrimshaw dildo, and we are under way. The bagpipe v vampire battle is a classic of the genre and much fun is had by all.

How does the mythical beastie get deaded in the end? Well, a true Scotsman always has something useful in his sporran. But will the future of Christianity be doomed by an NHS paperwork mix-up after all?

This is an hilarious, kinky mess. Watch it!

Two bickering journalists are sent to Transylvania because their editor thinks that Frankenstein's Monster is real and that he can be found there. A dumb premise, executed badly.

You can see why this flopped so hard. The pace is leaden and the stars don't look like they are enjoying themselves much. Jeff Goldblum seems particularly subdued. Ed Begley's gurning wouldn't be out of place in one of those bone-idle "Scary/Epic/Whatever Movie" knock-offs. You keep expecting at least a dozen Wayans brothers to leap from the undergrowth, mugging to camera in the way they seem to think is so amusing.

So many potentially funny scenes fall flat, and everything is dragged further down by Michael Richards' clumsy slapstick and inane prop comedy, every scene of which seems to go on too long. In fact, the whole movie may be ahead of its time, as far as cinematic bloat goes. Length over content really is all the rage these days in the cinema and on TV, if you value awards over entertaining the audience. Did Roger Corman teach us nothing?

Okay, Geena Davis looks rather fabulous in "that" outfit, but her part is as weakly written as everyone else's. She's pretty much earning the two stars of this review here.

A serious movie that's awful can be hilarious. A comedy that isn't funny - that's just painful. This is not a serious movie. The essentials of this tale could have been turned into something very entertaining, but we got "Transylviania 6-5000" instead..

I stumbled upon this while looking for something else, but what a discovery!

It addresses the question of what might have happened if the Kryptonian infant Kal-El had crash-landed in 1930s Germany instead of Iowa.

The film is, apart from the bookending scenes, a two-handed piece, with no (expensive) action scenes. Instead, it is a discussion that is played powerfully by the two lead actors.

It can, at the time of writing this review, be found on-line and seeking it out is strongly recommended.

The premise: a bunch of unsatisfied people get lost on the way to a resort, and end up at the same mansion featured in "A Talking Cat?!?". While they stay there, Santa and his wife teach them the real meaning of Christmas, despite it being high Summer. Add to that the fact that several of the cast of this sedate tale are primarily known for high-octane martial arts flicks, and this could really have been awful. In reality, it is quite enjoyable. The standard of acting is mixed, but the enthusiasm is there. Daniel Bernhardt has one of the better roles, playing a sarcastic engineer. He and Cynthia Rothrock (as Mrs Claus) seem to be having the most fun. Being a David DeCoteau movie, there are some scenes of shirtless men, but unlike some of his output, that isn't the entire premise of this film. In fact, it is all in context. The croquet marathon... well yes, that could have been heavily edited. But overall, this is neither a masterpiece nor the car-crash one might expect. Mildly preposterous but genuinely likeable.

Those of us of a certain age will remember enjoying the cheesy, campy, classic TV show from our childhoods. This is not a re-tread of that. Neither is it a faithful adaptation of the original source material.

What it is, is a fun adventure with some decent action and a similar tongue-in-cheek humour to 'Xena' and 'Hercules', so can we get Bruce Campbell in the next season please? Clearly, the plan is to make more, as the gang retrieve the remaining scrolls and face new foes, with the occasional recurring character too.

In the older TV series, Tripitaka was a man, albeit played by a woman. This series seems to have picked that ball up and run with it, making the new Tripitaka a woman, playing a woman masquerading as a man. Another affectionate nod is the brief appearance of the old show's theme tune.

As for the main protagonists, Tripitaka's is a strong performance, Pigsy is very likeable, Sandy is an endearing space-cadet, but the Monkey King himself lacks that impulsive wildness that I'd expect of the character. I don't dislike him, but he doesn't have the anarchic quality I'd like.

I have recently revisited a few episodes of the old show, and it really does show its age, especially when it comes to pacing and fight sequences. I still love it, but am also happy to see a modern take on the legend.

The way the main villain of this series was dealt with was a little too simple. I'd have preferred something a bit more inventive, without using the McGuffin from earlier on.

I hope this gets the green light for more seasons.

This movie gets 10/10 for value for money, relentless action, riotous humour and pre-empting movie riffers by coming with a built-in 'video joker' (VJ Emmie), whose wild and sometimes tangential interjections make an already entertaining film even more fun.

It gets a few stars knocked off for the general incoherence of the plot but it is all so enjoyable, I don't mind that much.

This was made for $200 and no, I didn't miss out a few zeroes. A feature-length film, made with resourcefulness, imagination, passion and a bunch of local martial arts enthusiasts for $200 is one in the eye for far more pricey productions that plod from cliché to humbug to narcissism and round again.

Isaac Nabwana, aka Nabwana IGG, sold everything he had, to buy a camcorder. He cobbled together a computer from spare parts for editing. And by the way, when it comes to editing, he knocks Michael Bay out of the park when it comes to action scenes.

We should all support the efforts of Wakaliwood and people like them, because their clear love for what they do is so refreshing in a dead-eyed world of movie-making by algorithm.

This 'thing' is quite extraordinary. I'm not sure I can call it a movie, because it lacks certain things like coherence, competence, credibility and quality.

John de Hart wrote, directed and starred in this. Guess who gets to have the sex scenes with the former Playboy centrefold? Yep, him. As well as nookie, he writes in other characteristics for himself, as martial artist god, Shakespearian orator, country'n'western superstar, stand-up comedian and general all-round down-home superhuman good ole boy.

B-Movie iron horse Wings Hauser is either shatteringly drunk throughout, or a brilliant actor. I've seen some of his other films, and have come to my own conclusion on that count. However, he is riding some kind of high wild wind here, in scenes that involve shooting, drinking and philosophising.

I adore this film; every cruddy, obvious, plodding, shoddy inch of it. The execution and acting of Neil Breen, the directorial nous and pacing of Coleman Francis, the delusional narcissism of a U2 video... I could go on, but the movie does that for me.

If you just want a snapshot of 'Road to Revenge', aka 'Geteven', aka 'Christ, I need a drink', just trawl a well-known video site for a song called "The Shimmy Slide". Even Billy Ray Cyrus beats John de Hart hands down, both as a recording artist and an action movie star (check out the microscopically less atrocious 'Radical Jack'), and that's swearing!

"Stalker... is that your sword, or are you just happy to see me?"

Or "The top half of you definitely knows it's the wrong time, but the bottom half definitely knows it's the right place!"

This, as the second movie in the series, is also the mid-point in tone between the first one (bone-headed and rapey) and the third one (more family humour, much less exposed flesh).

Clearly, everyone involved was having a laugh riot at the expense of established sword'n'sorcery tropes. John Terlesky does everything short of winking directly at the camera. Actually, he may even do that at one point. In short, no cliché is too ripe to send up here - witness the wrestling match or the bar brawl in particular.

Our black-clad villain, John Lazar, exercises his 'evil laugh' on a regular basis and his hench-witch does the bitchy vamp act wonderfully. There is (of course!) footage recycled from other Wynorsky movies, including 'Deathstalker I'. Very economical.

And then there's Monique Gabrielle, playing both the wronged princess and her evil clone. Despite not being a great actor, she charges headlong into both roles with endearingly wide-eyed gusto.

If you want subtlety, look elsewhere. If you want a modern-style fantasy flick, with existentially-tortured heroes, huskily meaningful dialogue about What It All Means or the ubiquitous and much over-rated 'darkness', you have really come to the wrong place.

This is nothing more or less than lots of trashy fun. Then there's the out-takes over the credits, just to finish off with a few more chuckles.

This is a damn good attempt to make a feature film out of my favourite Richard Adams book.

The problem with the book is that some of the digressions into politics and journalism are just a bit too long and self-indulgent, which disrupts the flow of the story. I'd certainly have edited down Digby Driver's part to something still vital to the plot, but more concise and direct.

This animated adaptation cuts out the worst excesses of those digressions, but cuts too much else as well, in my opinion. The character-establishing story of Snitter's former master and his sister is virtually excised, for instance. The ending stops short of the original, leaving it ambiguous and darker. In addition, some of the animation makes the animals' movements look a little unnatural.

Like 'Watership Down', they have employed a starry British cast of voice actors, and this is a great strength of this film. Overall, recommended, but be aware that, while parts of the original story are best discarded for narrative flow, some lost elements should have been left in.

I don't imagine anyone will be attempting a new version of 'The Plague Dogs' any time soon, so this more-than-worthy effort is a good primer for anyone wanting to read the book itself. Plus, for those who are distressed by the final act, the book has a much happier ending.

This, in the right hands, could have been a decent thriller about match-fixing and murder, but the final result we see here is flabby, poorly paced and self-indulgent.

A pretty decent cast, wasted. The multiple story strands could do with pruning, but the slow, talky nature of the more central scenes would still make the rest of this movie a bore. Even the action scenes lack drama.

I have also seen the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version of this, but even Joel & the Bots struggle to inject much life into this poor effort.

Tommy Wiseau, James Nguyen, Sam Mraovich - birds of a feather, peas in a pod. If you recognise the first two in this sequence of names, you will know EXACTLY what to expect.

This is a melodrama about gay marriage and prejudice. It could have been directed by any one of the three names mentioned above. It just happened to be Sam Mraovich this time.

Murky, incompetent, hilarious. The latter only applies if you are in the mood for cinematic compost.

I read the book a couple of years ago, on the recommendation of a friend, and enjoyed it a lot.

Recently having taken out a Netflix account, this showed up on a search. I didn't know anyone had attempted to film it, and it departs in part from the book in one particular way. They mix up the original plot with scenes of the lead character interacting with the German public, and it is a great idea.

Oliver Masucci gives a great performance as a revived historical figure whose instincts immediately see him looking to establish power and influence, even before he has really begun to understand the world he now inhabits. Hitler immediately identifies TV and the internet as the potential propaganda tools that he would have loved to have used in WWII if he'd had them. I'd quibble slightly that he's a bit tall for the part, but you can forgive that when you see him at work.

This cautionary tale of how people can be swayed by a noisy demagogue offering simplistic, emotive, sloganeering solutions to complex problems has acquired another level of relevance when you see how, in recent years, political campaigns have become so much more dumbed- down than you ever feared. After all, Adolf only wants to make his country great again, right?

One thing you can say about Neil Breen's film-making career is that he is gradually improving on the technical side of things. In a relative sense, at least.

This movie has a far less ambiguous morality than Breen's debut, 'Double Down'. There's a message here, and you really can't miss it. In fact, the message is the same as 'Birdemic', as it firmly gets behind behind renewable energy and protecting the environment. Many earnest speeches hammer this home, as do the baddies' conversations about how bad they are.

The Being (Breen) falls to earth in a paperweight, then manifests in the desert with stigmata and some circuit boards attached to his arms and chest. It is made clear that he created the earth and he is not at all happy about how it has turned out.

The movie follows the fortunes of various characters, whose lives are redeemed or punished by The Being's intervention. I won't give too much away, but there's some unconvincing screaming, several repeated scenes and lots of heavy symbolism. There is also lots of exposition and enough Breen-esque voice-overs to satisfy the faithful.

Neil Breen films are unique. Until you have seen one, you won't really get his unique vision. They are also a textbook showreel of getting it wrong that all film students should study.

The title of this review does let you know pretty much exactly what you're in for.

This is, despite many flaws, quite a lot of fun if you're in the right mood. Yes, the SFX are clunky, the jokes and visual gags misfire most of the time and the music is pretty weak. The music video with Pia and Jermaine Jackson has precisely no place in the movie's plot, so that's sort of a plus point in this reality.

However, the sense of energy and fun, especially from Pia Zadora, keeps the nonsense ticking along and Michael Berryman's chainsaw maniac subplot is amusing. And you could cut yourself on Craig Sheffer's cheekbones.

As Eighties sci-fi musicals go, 'The Apple' is easily far worse than this.

First of all, if you don't know the original film that inspired this show, you won't really get a lot of the humour. Fans of the movie (and the second life it has enjoyed, thanks to Mystery Science Theater 3000 and RiffTrax) should definitely watch it.

The show mixes up a spoof 'making of the movie' story with the actual plot (such as it is) of the movie itself.

It isn't a quick, lazy knock-off. This is a smartly-written and funny tribute.

I'm not sure why the guy who plays Torgo isn't (at the time of this review) credited on IMDb. His performance is a stand-out, from the voice to the gait.

But everybody involved should be proud of what they have done. Seek it out, either online or on physical media!

This is the first time I have watched 'Double Down'. What a long strange trip I've just been on.

Firstly, Breen himself, who looks a bit like a Vulcan Neil Diamond, clearly has a genuine passion for film-making, and apparently finances everything, as well as doing (according to the credits) pretty much all the dog-work, right down to the catering. To date, he has made 4 feature-length films and I salute that. This isn't some one-off project with no follow-up; Neil's in it for the long run.

Secondly, having watched this movie and seen trailers and reviews for his other work, Neil Breen makes 'message' movies, and while his message can be a bit garbled at times, he seems very committed and earnest. It seems like an honest attempt to convey his vision so, again, admirable.

Some criticise the over-lengthy voice-overs, but I watched 'The Star Wars Holiday Special' which is about 70% Wookie honking without subtitles, and I'd have been grateful for a Neil Breen voice-over explaining things, believe me!

The execution of this vision, however, is muddled at best and technically inept on many levels. The acting is wooden, too, especially our hero, who delivers his lines as if he's being shown them on cue cards in a different language and he's having to translate them one by one.

The plot is standard Breen; he's some form of mentally, morally and physically superior being who has come to combat the ills of the world like greed, corruption etc. In this case, he's a super-secret agent, but in other films, he's an alien or a cyborg, but the general idea is the same.

The movie has a strange dream-like feel to it, which is actually enhanced by the technical cock-ups, as you find yourself unsure what is happening and why, and when. Breen's stilted delivery of critical lines just adds to the confusion.

Now the big question for all Breenies (you know who you are) - does Neil get nekkid? The answer is yes, albeit briefly. But you do get to see his plums, whether you want to or not.

In short, Breen makes strange, badly-executed films that really do stand apart for both good reasons and bad. You don't forget seeing them. Definitely try at least one before dismissing this strange strange man's canon.

Worse than I expected. And I expected it to be 100 times worse than 'Road House'. This is so bad, Naomi Campbell is in it, and she isn't the worst thing about the film.

This is a contender for the crassest, most imbecilic movie ever made. Compared to this, 'Night Train to Mundo Fine' is a completely coherent work of heartbreaking beauty.

It was a vehicle for the just-expired popularity of Robert van Winkle, aka Vanilla Ice, aka the white rapper who made Snow look legit. He and his nitwit, cliché-spouting biker gang bowl into a small town without a suitcase between them, but still manage several preposterous costume changes. He proceeds to endanger the life of an allegedly clever girl with a physically impossible act of crass stupidity, thus making her fall in love with him.

Naturally, he antagonises the local rubes with his totally radical attitude and use of the catchphrase "yep yep".

At one point, he takes over the local dance hall to commit a hideous crime on a Sly Stone track (shockingly, he isn't laughed out of town at this point) and seduces the leading lady with a mixture of sub-MC Hammer prancing and some very creepy dry humping.

The leading man is so utterly laughable, charmless and gormless, the folks of today complaining about Justin Bieber don't know how lucky they are. Any fan of 'The Simpsons' will recognise him as the blueprint for Poochy. The odd thing is that Vanilla Ice actually had a genuine talent for racing motorcycles, but even that isn't made a convincing part of this film. The bike scenes look as fake as everything else.

Then there's the usual tale of "bad boy gets rejected by the town, but then wins everybody over by saving the day". What, you hadn't seen that coming?

Thankfully, the RiffTrax crew give it the kicking it very richly deserves, without which I couldn't have got through this. Yep yep.

We have the USA's boycott of the Moscow Olympics to thank for this movie, apparently. Kurt Thomas was a world champion gymnast who suddenly found himself at something of a loose end. The result - Gymkata!

I first saw this on VHS in the late Eighties, and revisiting it brought back lots of good memories. An era when anyone with a few flashy kicks and a mullet could be the star of a martial arts turkey.

The premise is silly, the acting often poor (especially our hero) and the convenient placement of Gymastics equipment is laughable.

However, Tetchie Agbayani is gorgeous, the village of crazies really is pretty crazy and there's plenty of action to keep things ticking over once our hero arrives in Parmistan. The film has also had some money and effort thrown at it, so it doesn't look like a straight-to-video potboiler.

Not a great movie, but a really enjoyable one.

This is one of legendary auteur Andy Sidaris' later efforts, and the cracks are beginning to show in his formula.

The women who are the centrepiece of his films used to be somewhat enhanced, but by this point, they are positively deformed. It is a wonder they can stand up, let alone perform. The standard Sidaris squib shootout in the woods becomes even less believable than usual when your leading ladies can no longer hide behind a tree without something sticking out.

The early pacing in the film is slow, and if you've been watching Andy's films in order, the action set-pieces look recycled.

The female leads in this effort make you realise that previous Sidaris muses Dona Speir, Hope Marie Carlton and Roberta Vasquez, while not actually great actors, brought a ton more enthusiasm, effort and fun to their parts than the cast of 'Return to Savage Beach'. Julie Strain, in particular, recites her lines as if she'd rather be anywhere else.

However, their male beefcake counterparts are dull enough to make the women look vaguely competent.

The upsides? Gerald Okamura has fun with his brief screen time and Sidaris regular Rodrigo Obregon is very enjoyable, even channelling a bit of Gomez Addams when he dances with Carrie Westcott's character/breasts.

So, not primo triple-G entertainment. You can find more enjoyment in earlier works like 'Hard Ticket', 'Do or Die' or a few others from this director. They have essentially the same ingredients, but are just better cooked.