PalmersGreek

First half is just one big exposition dump. The rest is predictable. So predictable that I guessed the end of almost every scene as soon as it started and knew what was coming next. Acting is awful. Tension is non-existent. Effects were done on a Commodore 64. Script was written on used toilet paper which was recycled from Glastonbury music festival. That one where it rained non-stop and the sewage overflowed and mingled with all the mud and people's sweat and grime from four days rolling in muck after which the screenwriter who was probably on duty collecting rubbish picked up a sodden piece of crap encrusted tissue and wrote this movie in -30 seconds. Absolute crap.

Ever wondered what would have happened if Jack had climbed onto that piece of wood and made it? Well, now we know.

Frank and April (DiCaprio and Winslet) live a beautiful middle class suburban life with their kids. Frank is in his full-time by-the-numbers office job. April is a stay at home housewife.

But they're not happy. April thinks they can do so much more with their lives. And one day they decide to do just that.

The film is well made and follows the source material faithfully.

Very entertaining with great direction and acting from all the cast. Also, it's great fun to see a young David Harbour doing what he does best.

Everybody whispers to each other. Someone plays the writer Edgar Allan Poe who whispers everything so quietly that even my surround sound Dolby atmos system struggled to broadcast the words in any intelligible manner. At one point the sound of the wind comes from above. At another point the sound of a door creaking open comes from behind. It's all very impressive but useless as I can't follow the plot without subtitles. There are some fine actors doing some acting. There are some fine looking sets. There are some fine atmospheric shots. But I gave up after half an hour because I couldn't follow the plot. I'm not even sure there was one. Poor. Very poor.

Such a shame as I struggled to understand a word anyone was saying. Such a shame as everything else about this movie was just perfect.great performances, cinematography all let down by a terrible sound mix. Dolby should be ashamed.

The problem is that nowadays everyone thinks they're a film critic. Honestly, some of you have forgotten what it's like to sit back and enjoy a movie and instead seem hellbent on ripping it apart to it's bare bones and then holding up the pieces as if you're Roger Ebert reincarnated. But you're not. And he ain't come back as a zombie. So just watch and enjoy and ignore all the armchair experts. It's good fun. I loved the Dawn of the Dead remake. This is a very different film. But so what? It's a rollercoaster ride. I really cared about all of the characters. It moves the genre forwards. The action scenes are fantastic. It pays homage to those that came before it. And it stars Dave Bautista with a great supporting cast. What's not to like?

It looks amazing. Big names in the cast. How do I manage to hate them all? It's as if the film makers took all the government money had a jolly old time making it and then taking it around the festival circuit. And then we the public had to sit through it. I loved the book as a child. I usually love all the actors in this film but not in this. This is trash. Posh preachy rubbish that I'd be willing to look past the social justice message if it was any good. But it isn't.

Yes, it is boring and yes, it is slow, but this is the most accurate representation I've ever seen of my time working in the media for a big US company. Putting the #metoo for aside, Kitty Green has captured the mundane and relentless demands, the false promises that lead nowhere, the meaningless praise, the bland lifeless co-workers, the repetitive printing and copying, the bullying and total lack of humanity as well as the evil of a department that treats Humans as a resource. The #metoo bit isn't something that I ever witnessed, but if you want to understand what sort of an environment would enable that behaviour and why nobody ever spoke up, this film pretty much spells it out for you. Cannot say it was an enjoyable watch, it bought back a lot of old memories of a youth lost in that awful industry, but I am pleased I watched it and I am pleased that I'm out of it.

Unfortunately in doing so, they changed the past. I won't go into any detail over the rehashed old plot, poor characterisation and humour that just falls flat. All I will tell you is that the great big baddie has been sent back in time to kill someone because they are a strong motivational speaker.

I've read reports that before Hitchcock insisted audiences watched Psycho from the beginning it was normal for cinema audiences to walk into a theatre halfway through a film and still enjoy it. With Tarantino's latest I did get the impression that this film can be enjoyed by slipping in and out at various points without any real danger of losing too much of the plot. In that way as well as many others he has truly captured the golden age of Hollywood. The acting is superb, as you would expect with such heavyweight names attached, and it's refreshing to see so many new names hold their own against the veterans. The final act is pure Tarantino with his trademark ultra-violence and the ending is a beautiful surprise. Grab a big bag of popcorn, pick a comfy cinema with top-notch projection and sound and prepare to be taken on a beautiful and wonderful journey.

The acting is terrible. The script is worse. The effects aren't bad but by the time you get to properly see the creatures who bloody cares?

The start irritated me a lot. Middle-class family. Girl is deaf and is getting bullied at school by a bunch of assholes. Everyone else though is just so nice. The boyfriend, the mum, the dad, his business partner-they're nice, Business meeting and the dad is getting screwed by a client, don't worry, he's nice to him. The young brother is told to stop playing console games by his mum and to do his homework. Mother switches off the game and he just takes it, because he's nice. Can you please explain to me any family in the entire world that is like that, because I've never encountered one. Later, we see grandma smoking drugs-more brainwashing by the pro-legalisation body. But don't worry, everyone is so nice that's it's completely okay. Even when the grandma has a panic attack and almost gets them killed, they're so nice.

Then the apocalypse happens and now they're no longer nice. Wow, such character growth. They go from nice to not-nice. That's pretty much it.

There are so many plot holes and problems with the structure of the script. There's a single solitary scene that really jarred. It introduces some other people sitting on a train and evicting a mother with her crying baby then watching them die. Why are they sitting on the train? How long are they planning on staying there? A day? A week? A month? Why don't they tape the kids mouth shut and then quietly walk down the tunnel to safety. Why just sit there? What if you want to go to the toilet? Why are we watching them anyway? They're not linked in any way to the family we've been with from the start. Who cares?

Loads of info on the news about how the creatures are drawn to sound. So let's have police cars with sirens, TV emergency channels playing tone, fighter planes doing what exactly? I have no idea. And then the family do something stupid. They take a barking dog and a delirious stoned granny who screams at everything on a road trip, because the girl said the cities would be hit the worst. Really? Worse than staying in your home where you have access to provisions and can board up the windows? Worse than being around people who can help you? Is it better to be in a noisy car, either stuck in traffic on the freeway or tumbling down dirt tracks in the middle of nowhere?

To be honest at this point I fast-forwarded the movie. Some sub-plot involving the kids parents having to become brutal and kill some other people. I don't care, I've been watching The Walking Dead for the last eight years. This crappy movie is never going to match that.

If you've got Netflix, watch it because it will kill some time. Hopefully before the end credits roll you'd have reached the Chill part of the evening and won't care about how bad this movie is.