Pop quiz, hot shot: There’s a bomb on a bullet train. If the Shinkansen drops below 100 kilometers per hour, it blows up. What do you do? What do you do!?

Well, one thing you don’t do is confuse “The Bullet Train Explosion” for a “Speed” remake set in a country with a functional public transportation system. For one thing, this sleek Netflix spectacle is actually a remake of the 1975 Ken Takakura/Sonny Chiba vehicle that inspired “Speed,” even though “The Bullet Train” was itself a response to American disaster films like “Earthquake” and “The Towering Inferno” (pour one out for free trade).

For another thing, Shinji Higuchi’s glossy new version — as fawning toward the East Japan Railway Company as the “Shin Godzilla” director’s kaiju movies have been skeptical of the Japanese government — isn’t fueled by unleaded suspense so much as it is by the sheer...