Quotes

I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural, and wholesome thing that money can buy.

The greatest thing you can do is surprise yourself.

What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

[while hosting The 73rd Annual Academy Awards (2001)] And now, I'm pleased to introduce the star of the film Gladiator (2000), and a man I like to call a close, personal friend, but he told me not to . . .

I wrote a novel this year called "Shop Girl", and several producers came to me and wanted to turn it into a movie. And I said, "If you think you're going to take this book and change it around, and Hollywoodize it and change the ending . . . that's going to cost you."

All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you are an idiot.

[From People Magazine, 5/20/03, in which he was listed as one of the 50 Most Beautiful People in the World] It's very hard being one of the most beautiful people. Having this kind of beauty is actually a burden. Sometimes I go to a party and not one of the other 49 most beautiful people is there. That makes me feel very solitary and alone, because it means I am the most beautiful person in the room. If I'm going to a party where I know there will be "less-beautiful people," I try to "dress down" in order to hide my beauty. But this seems to have a counter-effect of actually making me more beautiful. I guess me and dungarees are a pretty potent combination. I try not to lord my beauty over others. This is very hard. I try not to mention that I am one of the most beautiful people, but somehow it always comes out. I will usually only bring it up when I'm asked to do a task, like open a garage door. People seem to enjoy my beauty and are genuinely happy for me, because after I mention it they always say, "How nice for you."

[upon receiving a particularly unremarkable award] When I first found out that I was going to win this award, I tried really hard - to care. And then I realized; we are all here tonight, because of a common love: me.

Comedians don't get Oscars, so I gave up on that a long time ago. And I can't really speak about the Oscar-worthiness of my own performance.

I lost 20 pounds - actually, I lost 25 pounds, but then I gained 5 back because I was too skinny. I didn't change what I ate, I just started eating smaller portions. And I cut out bread - that's the real killer, because I was reaching in and eating half a loaf before dinner arrived. All you have to do is that, and then you can drink all you want.

I've written a lot about L.A., and I always describe it as beautiful. To me, human relationships can be sad, can be exhilarating - but it's not a product of the city. And it takes different forms. Like, in New York, you're always with people. You can't go outdoors, you can't go into the subway, you can't go anywhere without running into people you don't know. But in L.A., you really have to work a bit to be exposed. You have to be standing in a shop, you have to join a club, or join a community service thing, or go to a nightclub in order to meet people. Because there's not the same transitory proximity to other people.

What is a movie star? A movie star is many things. They can be tall, short, thin, or skinny. They can be Democrats . . . or skinny.

There's a big difference between the National Book Awards and the Academy Awards. At the Academy Awards you can feel the greed and envy and ego. Whereas the National Book Awards are in New York.

These Pink Panther movies are a great opportunity to use my physical chops. And I love doing that stuff. These zany or extreme movies are hard to find. I did one in the 90s, Bowfinger (1999), which was attempting to do that. But it's difficult to come up with something to justify the slapstick. I'm lucky I found this series. Because in what other film would I be able to fall down a chimney or jog on top of a spinning globe? I can't imagine it.

In Bowfinger (1999), there's a scene where Eddie Murphy has to run across a freeway. The studio people all said, "We've got to cut this. It's too expensive". I said, "You can't cut the funniest scene in the movie! We're making a comedy - if you cut the funniest scene what are we making?" And it did turn out to be the funniest scene.

I wish I could do a lot of things different. I'm not going to tell you what they are, but if I had a list of all my films right now, I'd go, "Okay, I'll cross that one out and cross that one out and cross that one out and cross that one out." Really. But I've made over 40 films. How can I not have some losers in there?

I loved doing Pennies from Heaven (1981). Because you have to understand that I'd been doing comedy for 15 to 20 years, and suddenly along came the opportunity to do this beautiful film. It was so emotional to me. I loved it. I don't think it was a good career move, but I have no regrets about doing it.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

[on playing banjo with the Steep Canyon Rangers] This is an accident. And, by the way, when I say comedy was a means of getting myself into film, that was an accident too.

[to Alec Baldwin when same-sex weddings were legalized in New York] Alec! Now we can get married! (Baldwin's response: 'Okay, but if you play that effing banjo after eleven o'clock...')

I always felt there was a deeper meaning to what I was doing than just being wild and crazy, something more philosophical. I had a view that there was something funny about trying to be funny. I needed a theory behind it in order to justify it at the time, but now I don't. I see it for what it was. It was just fun, and it was stupid, and that's why it was so successful.

[on Lorne Michaels] Lorne is the kind of power producer who can get things done with simply a phone call. Especially pedicures.

I've learned through the years that offstage chemistry has absolutely no bearing with onstage or on-film chemistry.

I love money. I love everything about it. I've bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks, got a fur sink. Let's see, bought an electric dog polisher, a gasoline-powered turtleneck sweater, and, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.

When I heard that Richard Gere was not nominated for his great performance in Chicago (2002) , I said to myself, 'Welcome to my world, Richard Gere.

When I first started, I really decided to be a comedian, so I underplayed the banjo. I didn't want it to be a music show, I wanted it to be a comedy show. I subordinated the banjo and the music because I didn't have anybody to play with. It was just me. And music always sounds better when you've got some other people.

[Uncut magazine "An Audience With... Steve Martin" May 2013] There's a rumor that I'm a big fan of Doctor Who (1963), but I don't even know who Doctor Who (1963) is! That's one of those internet things. It's on some website that collects data on celebrities, it's just one of those things someone posted that's completely in error. I don't know. What is Doctor Who (1963)? I don't know a thing about it, but I'll be a fan if it'll help me in any way.

You have to remember, I live in an ivory tower so I don't really know what's going on out there. But I love Sacha Baron Cohen's work. I thought Borat (Borat (2006)) was a breakthrough comedy, something I really, really had not seen before.

I was in London in the early '80s and I did the Parkinson (1971) show. I got a call from Stanley Kubrick, who said he'd like to meet me. I went up to his house and I was overwhelmed. I had only done one movie, The Jerk (1979). He was very complimentary and he had seen me on Parkinson's show. He viewed his serious movies as comedies. So we played chess and he showed me around his store rooms where he had these huge rooms of open files of - I don't know how to describe them - like library stacks. He had screening rooms, too, where he reviewed every print. This was 1980 and he was still reviewing prints of 2001, before they'd go out. Every print. One thing that struck me, he had files of press reviews marked "Favorable" or "Hostile". But he was very, very nice.

When you're young, criticism is a go ahead. You almost want it.

Be so good they can't ignore you.