- I'm a nut, but not just a nut.
- If you walk up to some random person on the street, grab them by the shoulder, and say 'Did you just see what I saw?!'....you'll find that no one wants to talk to you.
- The truth is, anybody that becomes famous is an ass for a year and a half. You've got to give them a year and a half, two years. They are getting so much smoke blown, and their whole world gets so turned upside down, their responses become distorted. I give everybody a year or two to pull it together because, when it first happens, I know how it is.
- There aren't many downsides to being rich, other than paying taxes and having relatives asking for money. But being famous, that's a 24 hour job right there.
- I'm over the Oscar thing. I feel that if you really want an Oscar, you're in trouble. It's like wanting to be married - you'll take anybody. If you want the Oscar really badly, it becomes a naked desire and ambition. It becomes very unattractive. I've seen it. The nice thing is that I'm over here in Europe making a movie and so I don't need to worry about it.
- I know how to be sour. I know that taste.
- [on Lost in Translation (2003)] Many people say, "Do you think this is offensive to the Japanese?" Well, I know the Japanese are laughing more at the Americanisms than we are laughing at the Japanese-isms... they love watching the stupidity of the foreigner in Tokyo. They're not offended at all. They know that the bowing is funny and that their language is impenetrable to the rest of the world.
- You know the theory of cell irritability?. If you take an amoeba cell and poke it a thousand times, it will change and then re-form into its original shape. And then, the thousandth time you poke this amoeba, the cell will completely collapse and become nothing. That's kind of what it's like being famous. People say hi, how are you doing, and after the thousandth time, you just get angry; you really pop.
- There's definitely a lot of trash that comes with the prize of being famous. It's a nice gift, but there's a lot of wrapping and paper and junk to cut through. Back then, when a movie came out and people saw you on the street, their reaction was so supercharged that it was scary. It would frighten other people. It used to really rattle me. I mean, everybody would love to have their clothes torn off by a mob of girls, but being screamed at is different.
- It was cool that an Oscar nomination never happened for a long time, and then it was cool that it did happen. But I don't want to always be feeling this thing in my chest like, 'Am I good enough? Am I gonna be rejected?'
- Why would you get up there and bore people? I never have figured that out. These people are supposedly in the entertainment industry, and they finally get up there to that podium and they become the most boring people in the world. [on award acceptance speeches]
- I think midlife crisis is just a point where people's careers have reached some plateau and they have to reflect on their personal relationships.
- One of the things I like about acting is that, in a funny way, I come back to myself.
- We used to joke about it: 'Give me an affliction and I'll give you an Oscar!' They're not giving an award for acting. It's, 'Thanks for making me feel something. Here's a prize.' Somehow people don't put comedy in their emotional bank the same way. It relieves a tension, it unties a knot, but it's not something where people want to give you a prize. They just want to say, 'Thanks for making me laugh,' which I genuinely treasure. That makes me feel good.
- You are always away from home, as a film actor. Look at me now. You can be stuck in a hotel, several thousand miles away in a whole different time zone, and it is never glamorous. You can't sleep, you put on the television in the middle of the night when you can't understand a word, and you make phone calls back home which don't really give you the comfort they should.
- I know what it's like to be that stranger's voice calling in," he admits. "It happens in acting and it happens in business. Those who are living together all the time and can guarantee seeing each other every night or weekend probably don't know what I am talking about. There is also that little-discussed subject - loneliness. That is a great taboo, isn't it? No one really wants to admit they are lonely, and it is never really addressed very much between friends and family. But I have felt lonely many times in my life.
- Whenever I think of the high salaries we are paid as film actors, I think it is for the travel, the time away, and any trouble you get into through being well known. It's not for the acting, that's for sure.
- Movie acting suits me because I only need to be good for ninety seconds at a time.
- I've had some success in movies, so I really don't think about success. You like to have it, but I'm not desperate for it.
- I remember being in Japan 10 years ago for a golf tournament. I turned over a Kirin beer coaster, and there was Harrison Ford's picture. He's a guy who would never be caught dead doing a commercial here. He had a bottle in his hand and the most uncomfortable look on his face, like, "I can't believe I'm shilling." When Sofia Coppola, the director of Lost in Translation (2003), sent me the script, she included a photo and said, 'This is what I have in mind.', It was Brad Pitt in an ad for espresso in a can, and he had the same grimace: 'I can't believe I'm selling this can of coffee.', That influenced me when I had to do my own shtick.
- {Before jumping from a plane at 13,500 feet] Is there some frequent flyer program?
- The first 45 minutes of the original Ghostbusters (1984) is some of the funniest stuff ever made. The second one was disappointing because the special-effects guys took over. I had something like two scenes - and they're the only funny ones in the movie.
- I have developed a kind of different style over the years. I hate trying to re-create a tone or a pitch. Saying, "I want to make it sound like I made it sound the last time"? That's insane, because the last time doesn't exist. It's only this time. And everything is going to be different this time. There's only now. And I don't think a director, as often as not, knows what is going to play funny anyway. As often as not, the right one is the one that they're surprised by, so I don't think that they have the right tone in their head. And I think that good actors always-or if you're being good, anyway-you're making it better than the script. That's your job.
- It's like the first day you check into a hotel in L.A. there's a message under your door. The second day, there's eleven messages under your door. The third day, there's thirty, forty, fifty, sixty, seventy messages. And I realized that they just want fresh blood. They. Just. Want. Fresh. Blood. You gotta get the hell out of there. And you really feel, if you live in New York, that you're three hours ahead of them-I mean that literally. It's like, Oh man, we gotta help these people! And the longer you stay there, the less ahead of them you get, and then you're one of them. No way, man. Not for me.
- [on Quick Change (1990)] We couldn't get anyone we liked to direct the movie. We asked Jonathan Demme, and he said no. We asked Ron Howard, because Ron had made something that I thought was funny (Parenthood (1989)] ...and he said he didn't know who to root for in the script. He lost me at that moment. I've never gone back to him since.
- [on Garfield: The Movie (2004)] I thought it would be kind of fun, because doing a voice is challenging, and I'd never done that. Plus, I looked at the script, and it said, "So-and-so and Joel Cohen." And I thought: "Christ, well, I love those Coens! They're funny.", so I agreed to do it. Afterwards, I sat down and watched the whole thing, and I kept saying, "What the fuck was Coen thinking?" And then they explained it to me: It wasn't written by THAT Joel Coen.
- [on Ghostbusters (2016)] It's not the foremost thing in my mind right now, so I don't think about it. The studio gets excited about it every ten years or so, it seems like. Because what they'd really like to do is recreate the franchise. They'd like to keep it going.
- I think if you can take care of yourself, and then maybe try to take care of someone else, that's sort of how you're supposed to live. There's only so many people that can (do that), and the rest of the people, they're useful in terms of compost for the whole planet.
- [on The Razor's Edge (1984)] I kind of deluded myself that there would be a lot of interest. I made a big mistake. The studio wanted to make it a modern movie, and I said no, it should be a period piece. I was wrong and they were right. The day I finished shooting I said, 'If this never comes out, the experience will have been worth it.' I still feel that way.
- [on Stripes (1981)] I'm still a little queasy that I actually made a movie where I carry a machine gun. But I felt if you were rescuing your friends it was okay. It wasn't Reds (1981) or anything, but it captured what it was like on an Army base: It was cold, you had to wear the same green clothes, you had to do a lot of physical stuff, you got treated pretty badly, and had bad coffee.
- [on Where the Buffalo Roam (1980) and Hunter S. Thompson] I rented a house in L.A. with a guest house that Hunter lived in. I'd work all day and stay up all night with him; I was strong in those days. I took on another persona and that was tough to shake. I still have Hunter in me.
- If you bite on everything they throw at you, they will grind you down. You have to ignore a certain amount of stuff. The thing I keep saying to them lately is: "I have to love you, and I have the right to ignore you." When my kids ask what I want for my birthday or Christmas or whatever, I use the same answer my father did: "Peace and quiet." That was never a satisfactory answer to me as a kid - I wanted an answer like "A pipe." But now I see the wisdom of it: All I want is you at your best - you making this an easier home to live in, you thinking of others. -on fathering
- When I work, my first relationship with people is professional. There are people who want to be your friend right away. I say, "We're not gonna be friends until we get this done. If we don't get this done, we're never going to be friends, because if we don't get the job done, then the one thing we did together that we had to do together we failed." People confuse friendship and relaxation. It's incredibly important to be relaxed - you don't have a chance if you're not relaxed. So I try very hard to relax any kind of tension. But friendship is different. I read a great essay: Thoreau on friendship. I was staying over at my friend's house and there it was on the bedside table, and I'm reading it and I'm thinking it's an essay, so it's gonna be like four pages. Well, it goes on and on and on and on - Thoreau was a guy who lived alone, so he just had to get it all out, you know? He just keeps saying, "You have to love what is best in that other person and only what's best in that other person. That's what you have to love".
- Well, he was a guy who had great knowledge of the craft of improvisation. And he lived life in a very rich manner, to excess sometimes. He had a whole lot of brain stuck inside of his skull. Beyond being gifted, he really engaged in life. He earned a lot. He made more of himself than he was given. Came out of Manhattan, Kansas, and ended up hanging out with the Beats. He was incredibly gracious to your talent and always tried to further it. He got people to perform beyond their expectations. He really believed that anyone could do it if they were present and showed respect. There was a whole lot of respect. He taught lots and lots of people very effectively. He taught people to commit. Like: "Don't walk out there with one hand in your pocket unless there's something' in there you're going to bring out." You gotta commit. You've gotta go out there and improvise and you've gotta be completely unafraid to die. You've got to be able to take a chance to die. And you have to die lots. You have to die all the time. You're going' out there with just a whisper of an idea. The fear will make you clench up. That's the fear of dying. When you start and the first few lines don't grab and people are going like, "What's this? I'm not laughing and I'm not interested," then you just put your arms out like this and open way up and that allows your stuff to go out. Otherwise it's just stuck inside you. -on his acting teacher Del Close
- I think everyone in the acting business wants to make the right choices. You want to say no at the right time and you want to say yes more sparingly. I came out of the old Second City in Chicago. Chicago actors are more hard-nosed. They're tough on themselves and their fellow actors. They're self-demanding. Saying no was very important. Integrity is probably too grand a word, but if you're not the voice of Mr. Kool-Aid, then you're still free. You're not roped in.
- I'm not trying to be coy. It's just practical for me. When the phone started ringing too many times, I had to take it back to what I can handle. I take my chances on a job or a person as opposed to a situation. I don't like to have a situation placed over my head.
- The more relaxed you are, the better you are at everything: the better you are with your loved ones, the better you are with enemies, the better you are at your job, the better you are with yourself.
- [on preparing to play President Roosevelt] This great director we had at Second City (Del Close) said, 'You wear your character like a trench coat. It's still you in there, but there's,like, a trench coat'. So I figured this was like a winter trench coat, because there was just a little bit more character that comes to the party. So I did a lot more reading, a lot more studying.
- [on encountering fans] I'm of the habit that if people are waiting outside the hotel, you don't sign your autographs there. Because that means when you come back in the middle of the night, they're still there. It's usually a one-time thing. That's it; that's your one time. You try your hardest but you can't always be perfect.
- [on screenplays] The early days, you could change every single word and no one cared. It was like, 'That's fine. That was terrible anyway'. But now, if the script's really good, you don't need to change very much.
- The only thing we really, surely have is hope. You hope that you can be alive, that things will happen to you that you'll actually witness, that you'll participate in. Rather than life just rolling over you, and you wake up and it's Thursday, and what happened on Monday? Whatever the best part of my life has been, has been the result of that remembering.
- [on reconnecting with earlier performances] When you did the job, you thought you were just trying to amuse your friends who are all on the job. I'm just trying to make the sound guy laugh, the script supervisor. A movie like Caddyshack (1980), I can walk on a golf course and some guy will be screaming entire scenes at me and expecting me to do it word for word with him. It's like, 'Fella, I did that once. I improvised that scene. I don't remember how it goes'. But I'm charmed by it. I'm not like, 'Hey, knock it off'. It's kind of cool.
- [on bringing improv experience into real life] It pays off in your life when you're in an elevator and people are uncomfortable. You can just say, 'That's a beautiful scarf'. It's just thinking about making someone else feel comfortable. You don't worry about yourself, because we're vibrating together. If I can make yours just a little bit groovier, it'll affect me. It comes back, somehow.
- [on developing a film character] I hate to give away my secrets but I do almost nothing. Being slightly lazy works for me.
- [on McG's claim that Murray head-butted him on the set of Charlie's Angels (2000)] That's bulls---! That's complete crap! I don't know why he made that story up. He has a very active imagination...No! He deserves to die! He should be pierced with a lance, not head-butted.
- [on his altercation with Lucy Liu on the set of Charlie's Angels (2000)] Look, I will dismiss you completely if you are unprofessional and working with me...When our relationship is professional, and you're not getting that done, forget it.
- [on his altercation with Lucy Liu on the set of Charlie's Angels (2000)] We began rehearsing this scene and I said, 'Lucy, how can you want to say these lines? These are so crazy.' She got furious with me because she thought it was a personal assault, but the reality is she hated these lines as much as I did. But for 15 or 20 minutes there, we went to our separate corners and threw hand-grenades and sky rockets at each other. We made peace and I got to know her better from that day, and I feel very warmly for her now.
- If I hadn't been a comedian or an actor or whatever it is that I am now, I would have been a professional athlete, probably a baseball player.
- If you have someone that you think is The One, don't just sort of think in your ordinary mind, "Okay, let's make a date, let's plan this and make a party and get married". Take this person and travel around the world. Buy a plane ticket for the two of you to travel around the world. And go to places that are hard to get into and hard to get out of, and when you come back to JFK, when you land and you're still in love with that person, get married at the airport.
- (On his fight with Chevy Chase) It was an Oedipal thing, a rupture. Because we all felt mad he had left us, and somehow I was the anointed avenging angel, who had to speak for everyone. But Chevy and I are friends now. It's all fine.
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