Rodney Dangerfield Poster

Quotes (31)

  • I don't get no respect, no respect at all!
  • It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
  • My wife was afraid of the dark, saw me naked, now she's afraid of the light!
  • I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.
  • I'm very lucky. Years ago they had images, like W.C. Fields, Laurel and Hardy, Groucho Marx. But today, I think I'm the only one around with an image. And that image is something everyone identified with. They all feel life treated 'em wrong and they got no respect.
  • My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
  • [on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
  • [in a 1986 interview, explaining the origin of his "no respect" routine] I had this joke: "I played hide and seek; they wouldn't even look for me". To make it work better, you look for something to put in front of it: "I was so poor, I was so dumb", so this, so that. I thought, "Now what fits that joke?" Well, "No one liked me" was all right. But then I thought, "A more profound thing would be, 'I get no respect!'."
  • I told my doctor that when I woke up in the morning I couldn't stand looking at myself in the mirror. He said, "At least we know your vision is perfect."
  • To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit [he had given up on show business in 1949], I was the only one who knew I quit.
  • If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
  • My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.
  • I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
  • Last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids, 'Be quiet, you'll wake up Daddy'.
  • I was ugly, very ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.
  • My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me better as a friend.
  • At my age, making love is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
  • When I get in an elevator, the operator takes one look and says, "Basement?"
  • Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
  • I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
  • I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
  • My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, "Okay, you're ugly, too."
  • I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
  • I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
  • When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
  • My cousin's gay. He went to London only to find out that Big Ben is a clock.
  • I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
  • What a kid I've got. I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
  • I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous: everyone hasn't met me yet.
  • [asked who makes him laugh] My wife, during sex.
  • To be a comedian you have to get onstage and find out if you're funny.