Steven Wright Poster

Quotes (25)

  • I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
  • A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said 'Wish you were here.'
  • Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
  • I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'
  • Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
  • I was reading the dictionary the other day. I thought it was a poem about everything.
  • I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
  • Yeah, it's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it!
  • I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
  • It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's *always* room temperature.
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • A lot of people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  • I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
  • If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  • There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
  • We had a quicksand box in our backyard. I was an only child, eventually.
  • When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?
  • I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
  • I'm constantly tap dancing and wearing bright clothing and talking really loud and smiling all the time. As soon as they can't see me I take off whatever I was wearing, step into my tap shoes, run back stage and turn the music on. - on what he's like off-stage
  • You can't have it all . . . besides, where would you put it?
  • My take on the theory of Evolution is that Darwin was Adopted.