Poll: Favorite Mean Roger Ebert Quote

Mandingo (1975)

What James Mason [...] is doing in this film is beyond me; he told one interviewer he needed the money for his alimony payments, but surely jail would've been better.

Caligula (1979)

Caligula is sickening, utterly worthless, shameful trash. If it is not the worst film I have ever seen, that makes it all the more shameful: People with talent allowed themselves to participate in this travesty. Disgusted and unspeakably depressed, I walked out of the film after two hours of its 170-minute length.

One Woman or Two (1985)

Add it all up, and what you've got here is a waste of good electricity. I'm not talking about the electricity between the actors. I'm talking about the current to the projector.

Jaws: The Revenge (1987)

I believe that the shark wants revenge against Mrs. Brody. [...] After all, her husband was one of the men who hunted this shark and killed it, blowing it to bits. And what shark wouldn't want revenge against the survivors of the men who killed it?

Dice Rules (1991)

Dice Rules is one of the most appalling movies I have ever seen. It could not be more damaging to the career of Andrew Dice Clay if it had been made as a documentary by someone who hated him. The fact that Clay apparently thinks this movie is worth seeing is revealing and sad, indicating that he not only lacks a sense of humor, but also ordinary human decency.

Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991)

"Return to the Blue Lagoon" aspires to the soft-core porn achievements of the earlier film, but succeeds instead of creating a new genre, no-core porn.

Stargate (1994)

The movie "Ed Wood", about the worst director of all time, was made to prepare us for "Stargate".

North (1994)

I hated this movie. Hated Hated Hated Hated Hated this movie. Hated it.

Little Indian, Big City (1994)

There is a movie called Fargo playing right now. It is a masterpiece. Go see it. If you, under any circumstances, see Little Indian, Big City, I will never let you read one of my reviews again.

Destiny Turns on the Radio (1995)

The movie plays as if the life experience of its makers has been limited to watching movies. So do Tarantino's movies, but he's talented, or maybe he saw better movies.

Mad Dog Time (1996)

Watching "Mad Dog Time" is like waiting for the bus in a city where you're not sure they have a bus line.

Joe's Apartment (1996)

I am informed that 5,000 cockroaches were used in the filming of Joe’s Apartment. That depresses me, but not as much as the news that none of them were harmed during the production.

The Frighteners (1996)

Last year, I reviewed a nine-hour documentary about the lives of Mongolian yak herdsmen, and I would rather see it again than sit through "The Frighteners".

B*A*P*S (1997)

My guess is that African Americans will be offended by the movie, and whites will be embarrassed. The movie will bring us all together, I imagine, in paralyzing boredom.

Masterminds (1997)

I stopped taking notes on my Palm Pilot and started playing the little chess game.

Mr. Magoo (1997)

Mr. Magoo is transcendently bad. It soars above ordinary badness as the eagle outreaches the fly. There is not a laugh in it. Not one. I counted.

An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn (1997)

The only way to save this film would be to trim 86 minutes.

Godzilla (1998)

Going to see "Godzilla" at the Palais of the Cannes Film Festival is like attending a satanic ritual in St. Peter's Basilica.

Halloween H20: 20 Years Later (1998)

How does Michael Myers support himself in the long years between his slashing outbreaks? I picture him working in a fast-food joint. “He never spoke much, but boy, could he dice those onions!"

The Skulls (2000)

The real Skull and Bones has existed for two centuries, and has counted presidents, tycoons, and CIA founders among its alumni. Membership was an honor—until now. After seeing this movie, members are likely to sneak out of the theater through the lavatory windows.

Battlefield Earth (2000)

Battlefield Earth is like taking a bus trip with someone who has needed a bath for a long time. It's not merely bad; it's unpleasant in a hostile way.

Freddy Got Fingered (2001)

This movie doesn't scrape the bottom of the barrel. The movie isn't the bottom of the barrel. The movie isn't below the bottom of the barrel. This movie doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels.

Half Past Dead (2002)

Seagal's great contribution to this movie is to look very serious, even menacing, in closeups carefully framed to hide his double chin.

The Brown Bunny (2003)

I had a colonoscopy once, and they let me watch it on TV. It was more entertaining than The Brown Bunny. It was the worst movie ever shown at Cannes and I was so bored during the screening, I started singing "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" out loud. I have not seen every film in the history of the festival, yet I feel my judgement will stand. The Brown Bunny offended audiences not because of sex, violence, or politics, but simply because of its awfulness. The Cannes audience was restless, many walked out of the screening, and the film was so unendurably boring that when the hero changes into a clean shirt, there [was] applause. Imagine long shots through a windshield as it collects bug splats.

Bad Boys II (2003)

Have they so lost touch with human nature that they think audiences will like this [...]?

Daddy Day Care (2003)

It is a comedy (in genre, not in effect).

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (2003)

Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson star. I neglected to mention that, maybe because I was trying to place them in this review's version of the Witness Protection Program.

Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005)

Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo makes a living cleaning fish tanks and occasionally prostituting himself. How much he charges I'm not sure, but the price is worth it if it keeps him off the streets and out of another movie. [...] Speaking in my official capacity as a Pulitzer Prize winner, Mr. Schneider, your movie sucks.

Dirty Love (2005)

"Dirty Love" wasn't written and directed, it was committed.

Jumper (2008)

Fortunately, I can't risk giving away too much of the story because there isn't one.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

The movie has been signed by Michael Bay. This is the same man who directed "The Rock" in 1996. Now he has made "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen". Faust made a better deal.

Friday the 13th (2009)

In my research I discovered that the scientific name for fear of Friday the 13th is paraskavedekatriaphobia. I envision a new franchise: "Paraskavedekatriaphobia: A New Beginning," "Paraskavedekatriaphobia: Jason Lives," "Paraskavedekatriaphobia: Freddy's Nightmare," etc.

The Lovely Bones (2009)

"The Lovely Bones" is a deplorable film with this message: If you're a 14-year-old girl who has been brutally raped and murdered by a serial killer, you have a lot to look forward to."

The Last Airbender (2010)

"The Last Airbender" is an agonizing experience in every category I can think of and others still wanting to be invented.

Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie (2012)

There is a scene in this film where a character is defecated on by several people at the same time, and I dunno ... I didn't enjoy it.