Approximately halfway into this film... or is it a third of the way? Time seems quite distended and relative when watching any Police Academy film, but the awfulness of PA5 tends to send one into an alternate dimension where seconds seem to take weeks. Kind of like watching the Benny Hinn show with a fantastic hangover in the middle of a hospital ward, in other words.
Anyways, at some point in the film, our cast decide to indulge in a limbo-dancing event. As G.W. Bailey and Lance Kinsey lament the fact that the time to fire their agent has well and truly passed, and the rest of the cast seem to celebrate the fact that they get to eat this year, the music in the background repeatedly asks us how low can we go. If that isn't irony, I don't know what is.
It is scenes like the one I've just described that Steve Guttenberg and Bobcat Goldthwait obviously read before telling their agent that not working at all was preferable to appearing in this drivel. As we endure endless scenes with extras falling over for no readily apparent reason (although the golf balls sell the illusion effectively enough) or characters tanning the word "dork" onto each others' chests (and that is about as adult as the humour gets here), one of the great theories about family-friendliness is proven. The makers of Police Academy 5 might have made a Police Academy film that is suitable for four-year-olds to watch, but in so doing, they have made a film that only four-year-olds would want to watch.
If your four-year-old is able to read at what we laughingly refer to as an adult level such as I was at that age, they will most likely turn to you when the credits roll and say something along the lines of "well that was stupid, wasn't it?".
The plot revolves around something that probably should have been done at the end of the last film: putting George Gaynes out to pasture. After seeing him in previous Police Academy films and Punky Brewster (often within days of each other), I have a tremendous respect for the man, but he really is just getting too old to do this. By the time Police Academy 8 rolls out, he will be 88. Granted, there are actors who put in great performances at similar ages (Christopher Lee is only about five years his junior), but given that George has started to speak at a rate of about one word an hour, I don't think he's got another film left in him.
Getting back to the plot, anyway, as Commandant Lassard is scheduled to retire, Captain Harris senses an opportunity to become Commandant of the Academy, while his old trainees sense an opportunity to pay respect to a man who had quite the positive impact in their lives.
It sounds like a very flimsy foundation for a film, and to be quite frank, when you've got writers of this calibre putting it together, it is. As has been said earlier, the suitable-for-all-ages mentality is one element that makes the film boring. The performances are another. George Gaynes, in spite of being so old that you aren't sure anymore that he's pretending to be completely unaware, is the only actor in this mess who *doesn't* phone in his performance.
Matt McCoy is a poor substitute for Steve Guttenberg, as is exemplified by the quality of the jokes played on Captain Harris demonstrates. Mahoney wouldn't merely sunburn a word into Harris' chest. We've seen Mahoney smear shoe-polish on a megaphone, cast dispersions on Harris' sexuality, as well as make a laughing stock of the man by spreading the word about an unfortunate accident involving a motorbike and a horse. And that's just in the first film. Sorry, Nick, but to call your effort weak is a form of flattery.
All in all, I gave Police Academy 5 a one out of ten. I don't know what is scarier. That they are making a number 8, or that people have actually voted 10 for this load of dung.
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