• I wasn't expecting much. Really. I was prepared for the raping and gutting of the Greek mythology, and I got what I expected in spades. I was prepared for the total of lack of a consistent, comprehensible plot, and the movie didn't let me down. I was prepared for poor acting - check! I was prepared for all kinds of anachronisms - they were all there! The story of Hyperion trying to wreak his vengeance on the gods (thank you, IMDb reviewers, you helped me understand what the hell he was actually driving at with all this running around and butchery) and the story of Theseus achieving his hero's status are intertwined in a manner worthy of a five-year-old composing a story with nothing better to do; there are not many logical links between scenes and events and no smooth unfolding of a story in general. This is what makes it so excruciatingly boring. However, as I said, for all that I was prepared.

    But I expected visuals, because I still remember the Cell, more than ten years since, and in that film, the visuals made up for the absence of a story, they were a story in themselves, and they evoked if not rational, then at least emotional response. In this film, I thought the visuals were boring, monotonous, and borderline ridiculous.

    To top it off, the characters' sensibilities are thoroughly modern (Sybilla actually talks about changeable future! About free will! Ye gods!). Then suddenly, almost at the end of the film, Theseus says something that could only be said by an ancient. I will not say what it is for that would mean spoiling it for those who haven't yet wasted their time on this piece of boring entertainment, but this unexpected bit of authenticity doesn't even come near redeeming what has passed before.