My extremely detailed summary:
This is what I get for finally going into a movie blind thinking it has Morgan Freeman and Depp and Paul Bettany in it so it has to be passable at least, right? Well, the director was very awful and the story was ridiculous. It's a movie about the singularity and dealing with it, and while there are some things in that I'd like to believe happen someday, it's not going to happen in this manner.
Here we go.
Basically, Depp is a brilliant weirdo and married to his soulmate wifeperson, they work in genetic computing. So Depp gets shot by a psycho and is going to die, so emotional wifeperson takes the next step and downloads Depps brain into the pc system he's been developing, AND IT WORKS. The psychos are attacking all over, it's calamity, Jim. What can we do?! We have to hide inside this totally undefended abandoned school from our childhood which happens to be housing this extra copy of the world's most advanced computer set up system we need, that anyone could have just walked up and used.
- Super Computer Depp needs to be connected to the internet, and does get connected for approximately 1 second and is now spreading himself over everything everywhere, but it took days to download his brain? - Super Computer Depp does shady stock works to make his wife rich, and so then he's going to work towards fixing humanity in some method that computers believe is best, so he needs a place to do this. He decides (and he's smarter than us so this has to be right) that this place should be underground under a desert in California right beside this piece of crap hopeless hick town. Wife will use newfound riches to build it. - This might be reasonable, except wife hires one redneck hick from the town to build it. - Redneck hick is successful in a few seconds, and *POOF* we have this insanely gigantic underground facility full of technical equipment never before seen to man. So it didn't actually take a few seconds, but in actual movie time it was more like a month. - Deppbot starts healing people with nanobots, and taking over their bodies making them super strong and super smart or restoring vision, this seems fine except they're now brainwashed into a nanozombie state - Deppbot decides this is better for everyone, starts recruiting more people for miracles - Bettany is aware things aren't good, and teams up with the original psychos (including a Daenerys clone) that shot Depp to try and bring him down, they hide under copper wire nets and eventually steal the original Redneck Hick, since nano-programmed into a superzombie. Deppbot can't see through copper wire, it blocks his wireless signal. - Bettany helped Live Depp program the original AI system, he's the only one that can stop this - In a few seconds, he comes up with a virus that can take down Deppbot, and injects it into the wife, she's going to die but it's going to be for the good of humanity - Attack Plan time! The psycho team mounts an assault on Depps field of solar energy panels to distract him while wifey goes and is like, "Oh save me lover Deppbot!" or something, and gets him all secretly. He'll never see it coming. - Using four guys, the fake Mother of Dragons, three guns, and a 1910 style mortar gun dragged around on by trailer hitch on an elderly Chevy van, they defeat the evil nanozombie townsfolk despite a large number of shading things happening. - Bettany's virus is uploaded to all the internets in the entire world, infecting everything and shutting the internet off and turning it back to a pre-stone age state, also known as 1986. After all, it's better than an army of Depp clones that use wireless internet to steal people. They're nanobots, you know. They're in EVERYTHING now. - Humanity is saved! YES!
***BIG REVEAL*** I won't reveal it, but what doesn't happen is Depp isn't like, "Screw your internet. I'm gonna make my own internet to run my life." He made his own new self out of synthetic flesh and whatnot, he reincarnated himself as a living breathing Deppbot, but he apparently can't defeat the lack of 801.11ac wireless. I can assure you that that did not happen, even though his nanobots are in EVERYTHING.
Moral of the story: This movie is impressive in it's illogical hilarity which is extremely difficult to describe or attempt to write down (I didn't include most of it), it might be worth it to watch and make fun of in a sort of "count the number of times the Wet Bandits die in Home Alone" sort of way, but otherwise don't. We got like, 5 minutes of Morgan Freeman in this one, apparently there's only so much Morgan Freeman to go around and some other movie needed an old black guy.
I hope you appreciated this summary, but odds are you're bugged now.