I DO NOT understand the hype around this movie. With so many good Disney movies out there, even relatively modern ones like Tangled and The Emperors New Groove, I don't understand why anyone would watch this movie. It's utterly predictable and stars a pretentious, spoiled brat of a princess who is incapable of doing anything on her own. Here are my problems with this movie.
1. Moana does absolutely nothing on her own!
Whether from Maui the super special Demigod, her dead grandmother in the form of a sparkly spirit sting ray, or the ocean itself, help always seems to come for Moana. She cannot do anything on her own. She can't sail her own boat without the help of the magical ocean or Maui. I'm still not sure why she was chosen in the first place. Aside from a very naive and misguided sense of optimism, she possesses no real positive qualities, and she never would have succeeded without the help of the aforementioned parties.
2. Why is no one talking about the coconuts??
Can someone please explain to me why no one is concerned or confused that they are actually attacked by an angry army of sentient coconuts? No explanation. No warning. No sense. Just an army of coconuts that almost manage to vanquish our heroic team, despite the fact that they are so stupid that at one point, one of them actually shoots his own leader with a blow dart. But we shouldn't be surprised. They are, after all, coconuts. And if moana is so incredible, she should have been able to defeat them much easier. Not to mention the fact that this is really just a terrible writing choice for Disney. This whole scene could have been cut out and it wouldn't have changed the movie at all. It wouldn't make a whole lot more sense, but at least you could say that no one was attacked by coconuts.
3. Let's talk about that ending.
Disney is not known for flawless endings. But this one made no sense. First of all, you've got a lava monster living in the middle of the ocean, because the laws of chemistry mean nothing to Disney. But then Moana just walks right out and sings it into submission, calming down the volcanic anger of the scary monster with the soothing touch from her pretty princess hand. The idea of the lava monster being the dying island was completely predictable, but they could have come up with a more logical way to return the heart.
4. Why does this disease move so slowly?
It's been 1000 years since Maui stole the heart, right? But judging by how quickly the blackness was chasing Maui when he first stole it, it should have reached Moana's island much sooner.
5. Her sidekicks are awful.
I'm not going to try to tell you that Flounder and Pascal are the brightest crayons in the box, but this chicken is downright stupid. And it's not even funny. He's trying to eat a rock. Repeatedly. No creature could possibly be that stupid and live longer than 12 seconds. He is absolutely moronic and she should have let Maui eat him. And the pig isn't much better.
6. Her father is quite possibly the worst chief on the planet.
He's afraid of the water. He lost his friend. Fine. But his people are literally starving. How can he possibly justify not allowing his fishermen, who are presumably much smarter and more experienced than he was at the time of his tragic accident, to go out and find food for his people? Then he stifles his daughter's creativity and curiosity because of his own fears. He's a terrible father and a terrible chief and he needs to be dethroned. And also, if he's so afraid, how does his daughter know how to swim?
All in all, this movie is absolutely atrocious. The writing makes no sense. The plot is lazy and predictable. Moana, though regarded as revolutionary and self reliant, is very much the same as every other princess to ever appear in a Disney movie. The only difference is her very misplaced optimism and utter lack of talent.
Oh, and by the way, that crab is creepy. I'm sorry.
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