• Warning: Spoilers
    Worst movie I've seen this year. I don't think that will change. If you don't want a rant, you can stop reading now.

    The most interesting thing about the movie is who didn't star in it.

    Madonna turned it down because of the script. Madonna. In 1993. Just after "A League Of Their Own". Her tour made $70 million, supporting her album, which went a meager 7x platinum.

    All you had to do was add a tagline "Madonna is in this movie." Or rename it "Madonna's Box". Marketing. Job. Done. Just change whatever she wants. Instead, 1st-time director Jennifer Lynch, who has delusions of daddy's genius, lets her walk.

    Contestant number 2, Kim Basinger. Just bought a Hollywood star and a town, nominated as 'most desirable female' by MTV 3 years running, oddly nominated for a Razzie for 9 1/2 Weeks, but Best Supporting Actress for Batman?

    She agrees, verbally, finally realizes how awful the script is and tries to pull out, after, again, they refuse to change the script.

    Kim loses in court and is sued $8.1 million. Instead of doing the movie, she believes a better choice is declaring bankruptcy (and selling her town), and settles out of court for $3.8 million. (This would be more than twice the movie would make at the box office).

    So before we even have a lead female, this movie is already looking terrible.

    So Helena slept with Dr. Nick Cavanaugh once (she might be a high-class prostitute) and he's been infatuated ever since, to the point that he dumps his fiance while trying to hit on Helena.

    While in an argument, Helena storms out of his house and gets hit by a Ford Bronco. Being a surgeon, and with a script written by a 19 year old, he performs perfect surgery in his house, alone, and amputates both her legs. She's now a prisoner, as he unplugs the phone, quits his job and decides to tend to her 24/7. I know what you're thinking. Sounds like 'Misery', right? This is gonna be awesome!

    We then spend a meandering 30 minutes of him failing to make her love him, when he just decides to cut her arms off, because why not? It's not even important enough to mention, just a scene change and now she doesn't have any arms. Okay. Super surgeon strikes again!

    But she's in a box, so roll credits.

    Nope, there's another 35 minutes of her hating him, until she hates herself more. Then her ex-boyfriend turns up (she's been missing for weeks/months by this point, but no-one has called the police) and beats Nick to a pulp.

    He then wakes up in hospital, and surprise! It's all a dream! Helena was injured in the hit-and-run, but she still has all her limbs. (He's holding an empty pill bottle, so maybe he just crashed out?) His fiance is just a nurse he works with. He remembers what a loser he is and decides not to be with Helena. End movie.

    Even the soundtrack is as blunt as someone hitting you over the head with your own arm that they just cut off. 'You're nobody 'til someone loves you', 'Woman in chains', 'I can't make you love me', 'Sadeness'. Even the classical excerpts, are nearly all from Puccini's La Boheme.

    There's some minor nudity, which in 1993, is major nudity, so they cut it out of the theatrical release. It didn't help.

    Starring:

    Senia Phillips - Animal trainer (parrot). One early scene, they need the parrot to flap it's wings (while in it's cage), so the trainer, off-screen, blows on it. Marvellous. Thank goodness this scene was left in. The parrot is never seen again, presumably Nick cut all it's limbs off to make it fall in love with him.

    Lonnie Smith - Stunt Coordinator. One crash scene with a car. He would go on to be coordinator for The Walking Dead, the Hunger Games series and Stranger Things.

    Lisa Oz - Flower Shop Girl. Small part, only mentioned because this is the wife of Dr. Oz. They had been married for 8 years by this point, but he was still 8 years away from starting his TV career and 16 years away from his own show.

    Art Garfunkel - Wait. What? In the 60s, Simon & Garfunkel were huge. They split, and Art was pretty much forgotten (despite still touring for 4+ decades). He plays a doctor who is looking for the top surgeon slot at the hospital, and agrees to a recommendation from Nick in return for not telling anyone about his kidnapping the girl he amputated. This sounds like a more interesting character to base a movie on.

    Kurtwood Smith - slightly concerned doctor. Best known as Red on 'That 70's Show'

    Bill Paxton - barely in this movie but he gets 3rd billing, the abusive ex-boyfriend who hides like a 6 year old (ie. in plain sight).

    Sherilyn Fenn - still a star name at the time from Twin Peaks (Audrey Horne), she kills it. Unfortunately, this movie killed her career. She appeared, as did most of the cast, in the Twin Peaks comedy one-off special on Psych (it was awesome).

    Julian Sands - the mental doctor, who fancies his mom, and is obsessed with a limbless Venus de Milo statue. The statue is presumed to be a depiction of Aphrodite, who gave Helen of Troy to Paris (which started the Trojan war. She's the cause of her downfall, which is begun when Paris (Nick) chooses Venus (Aphrodite) as the most beautiful woman (his mom). See? Not derivative at all). His portrayal of a weak, simpering coward is totally believable and totally unlikeable. Compare this with his roles in 'The Killing Fields' and 'A Room With a View'. Hell, even the lead in 'Warlock' and the cartoon character Velmont in 'Jackie Chan Adventures'. He's a talented actor, but this role is so bad. This movie dragged him down.

    Not Kim Basinger - her career was over by this point, as it was considered she was too difficult to work with.

    Not Jennifer Lynch - her career was also over after this disaster, it would be 15 years before she got another directorial chance. The break didn't help much.