James 'Jimmy' Bates: You want to go on the stage, doncha?

Gladys, aka Ella Beebee and Eve: I don't know whether I do or not.

James 'Jimmy' Bates: Has your name ever been on a marquee?

Gladys, aka Ella Beebee and Eve: What's a marquee?

Achilles: [Noticing a young, attractive hotel maid] Say, girlie, I been watchin' you. What's a nice girl like you doing work like this for?

Gladys, aka Ella Beebee and Eve: Oh, I'm only doing this temporary. I'm going to be a secretary as soon as I learn to spell better.

Achilles: Oh, you oughta' be on the stage!

Gladys, aka Ella Beebee and Eve: I thought of that, too, but I never got around to it.

Merle Farrell: Wouldn't you like a... a... whatever it is?

James 'Jimmy' Bates: I don't mean the everyday hula hula. I'm referring to the sacred dance of the the Masown. There you will see the little lady. She puts it on all the way up and all the way down. From the top of her head to the tip of her rosy toes. Quiver and shake! She controls every fiber of her anatomy. She makes the old grow young and the young grow gay!

Colonel Munday: Getting dimes out of those hicks is like pulling teeth out of a buzzsaw.

Lou - Press Agent: There's nothing wrong with this show, Colonel. Only trouble is, they ain't buying tickets.

Colonel Munday: Well, why don't you make 'em buy? What kind of a Press Agent are you? What do I pay you for?

Lou - Press Agent: I wouldn't know. I ain't been paid in four weeks.

Achilles: I wish you wouldn't talk about eatin'. I saw the fat girl this morning and she's down to 112 pounds.

James 'Jimmy' Bates: What this show needs is a good Press Agent. That guy we got is so dumb he couldn't sell a fat boy to a tribe of cannibals!

Achilles: I wish you'd can that chatter about eatin'.

James 'Jimmy' Bates: If this guy is a Press Agent, I am a bird of paradise!

Lou - Press Agent: By the way, loudmouth, how's the new blonde?

James 'Jimmy' Bates: Oh! So you're the guy that tipped off the tamale!

James 'Jimmy' Bates: Now that doom has struck the old time carney, the day of Depression is past. The day of reconstruction is here! Bucolic gentry will no longer pay for the Old Faldaldo. You can no longer sell the Fat Lady for a dime. The Day of the Snake is over! The Strong Man shall weep. The world is greased with banana oil. Banana oil, professor! The people want excitement, sensation! Baloney and we've got to give it to 'em, Colonel. I'm tellin' ya! We've got to give it to 'em.

James 'Jimmy' Bates: And one more thing, you give them what they think they want and they'll want what they think you give them. As we say in trigonometry, A-B-C ,1-2-3, 2 and 2 makes 4.

James 'Jimmy' Bates: Hurry up and get it over with baby. I've got a big surprise for you.

Merle Farrell: Girls, take your original positions. I want to create a different mood. Must I do everything myself?

Merle Farrell: Why doesn't somebody do something? Why doesn't the piano play the way I want it to play. When I want a yellow mood, why can't I have a yellow mood?

Merle Farrell: What right have you got connecting this Princess with my Follies? I could have you arrested!

James 'Jimmy' Bates: This is the day of high pressure, Merle, blood pressure, sales pressure, you got to give 'em the works. I got the contracts right here, all made out. I figure it on a percentage basis. No play, no pay.

James 'Jimmy' Bates: Princess Exotica, Merle Farrell. Merle Farrell, Princess Exotica.

Merle Farrell: How do you do? I hope you had pleasant passage.

James 'Jimmy' Bates: Well, it was rather rough in spots. We're still trying to get the rubber out of sea legs.

James 'Jimmy' Bates: This is the old carney song about the carpenter.

Merle Farrell: Carpenter? What carpenter?

James 'Jimmy' Bates: You know, the one with the girl who's got things wrong with her - her piano legs busted and her doorbell doesn't ring.

Merle Farrell: What's Turkish about that noise?

James 'Jimmy' Bates: She ain't a Turk.

Merle Farrell: She - what?

James 'Jimmy' Bates: Well, that was just the old ballyhoo!

Merle Farrell: You mean, she's not a Princess?

Teresita: Oh, you are crazy!

James 'Jimmy' Bates: All pioneers are crazy until they die and then they get a monument.

Achilles: Who wants a monument?

James 'Jimmy' Bates: Publicity - that's the racket! Its the toast of a nation. Why, baby, with publicity you can sell electric fans to eskimos, snow plows in Hawaii!

James 'Jimmy' Bates: Oh! We all go to jail! We all go to jail! I should have known this. I should have known this!

Teresita: If you don't keep still, I'll reach that window and get the flat iron building and wrap you over the head with it!

James 'Jimmy' Bates: Listen, baby, you don't want to be a hooch dancer all your life, do ya?

James 'Jimmy' BatesTeresita: If I don't have you in Merle Farrell's Follies before the end of the week -

[points to Teresita's chihuahua, Nina]

James 'Jimmy' BatesTeresita: I'll eat that dog in Times Square without mustard.

Teresita: You don't touch Nina!

James 'Jimmy' Bates: I won't have to touch Nina.

Teresita: Listen, what are you up to now?

James 'Jimmy' Bates: You do the acting, I'll do the thinking. Get into that costume, baby!

Gladys, aka Ella Beebee and Eve: "To be, or not to be, that is the question. Is it best to go on suffering or should one end it all with a bare body?" What does that mean?

Achilles: It's bodkin!

Gladys, aka Ella Beebee and Eve: What's a bodkin?

Achilles: Oh, let's just pass that.

Reporter 1: What is the theory of nudism?

Gladys, aka Ella Beebee and Eve: The what?

Reporter 2: What hypothesis is your cult based on?

Teresita: Hello, Bugsy.

Merle Farrell: Oh, don't you Bugsy me!

James 'Jimmy' Bates: Hello, Merle.

Merle Farrell: Yes, don't you Merle me!

Gladys, aka Ella Beebee and Eve: Couldn't we go up the side street where there ain't so many people starin' at me?

James 'Jimmy' Bates: Don't start worryin', sister, till they stop starin' at ya.

[repeated line]

Teresita: Stupido!

James 'Jimmy' Bates: [to "Eve"] Now, I'll tell you what I have in mind. After you've said a few words about the benefits of going without clothes and eating fruit and things, we'll, eh, we'll create a different mood. A sort of march. That's it! The March of the Nudists!

James 'Jimmy' Bates: I got it. Rump-diddle-e-ump-dump, rump-diddle-e-ump-dump, rump-diddle-e-ump-dump, rump-diddle-e-ump-dump, rump-diddle-e-ump-dump, rump-diddle-e-ump-dump, rump-diddle-e-ump-dump, rump-diddle-e-ump-dump, rump-diddle-e-ump-dump, rump-diddle-e-ump-dump, rump-diddle-e-ump-dump, rump-diddle-e-ump-dump...

James 'Jimmy' Bates: What else is there?

Miss Flowers - Bates' Secretary: A letter from the Peruvian Secretary of State.

James 'Jimmy' Bates: What does he want?

Miss Flowers - Bates' Secretary: Would you be interested in handling the next Presidential campaign?

James 'Jimmy' Bates: No! Who wants to leave a sucker town like this... besides, I don't like chili con carne.

James 'Jimmy' Bates: Certainly she takes champagne baths! If you don't believe me, ask her plumber!

James 'Jimmy' Bates: It's getting so they don't believe anything!

Miss Flowers - Bates' Secretary: Imagine anyone daring to question your veracity.

James 'Jimmy' Bates: Such language.

James 'Jimmy' Bates: Okay, so you gotta go back to the carney. Just can't get it outta your blood. It's an old roustabout that can't reform. You can have it. I'm staying' right here where the oyster shells are soft and the suckers yell for the hook.

Gladys, aka Ella Beebee and Eve: Merley got his divorce today and we're going to be married.

James 'Jimmy' Bates: You don't mean to tell - oh, Merley, you're so impulsive.

Merle Farrell: Well, we kinda felt as though you brought us together, I was wondering if there wasn't something I could do for you?

James 'Jimmy' Bates: Yes! There is! But, I wouldn't ask you to do a thing like that.

James 'Jimmy' Bates: Well, you got to get some fun out of life.

Achilles: Sure.

James 'Jimmy' Bates: What good is life if you don't get some fun out of it?

Achilles: Did you ever hear anything from the tamale?

Teresita: [singing] Oh, Mr. Carpenter, I wonder where you were, Oh, Mr. Carpenter, I have a big job for you...

James 'Jimmy' Bates: [going over mail with his secretary] What else is there?

Miss Flowers - Bates' Secretary: A letter from the Seluvian secretary of state.

James 'Jimmy' Bates: What does he want?

Miss Flowers - Bates' Secretary: Would you be interested in handling the next presidential campaign?

James 'Jimmy' Bates: No. Who wants to leave a sucker town like this?

Merle Farrell: I'm working so hard, I don't know what I'm doing.

Teresita: Oh, you're crazy.

James 'Jimmy' Bates: All pioneers are crazy, till they die - then they get a monument.

Achilles: Who wants a monument?.

Miss Flowers - Bates' Secretary: Imagine anyone daring to question your veracity.

James 'Jimmy' Bates: Such language.

James 'Jimmy' Bates: Ain't that just like a woman. The more you do for 'em, the worse they get.