Princess Jeanette: Do you ever think of anything but men?

Countess Valentine: Oh, yes! Schoolboys.

Count de Savignac: I fell flat on my flute.

Dr. Armand de Fontinac: You're not wasting away, you're just wasted.

Dr. Armand de Fontinac: A peach must be eaten, a drum must be beaten, and a woman needs something like that.

Princess Jeanette: Well, I was just about to go to bed.

Count de Savignac: Oh, wait, I'll join you!

Vicomte Gilbert de Vareze: [after the Princess has fainted] Could you go for a doctor?

Countess Valentine: YES... bring him right in!

Vicomte Gilbert de Vareze: He's been chasing me.

Maurice Courtelin: Who?

Vicomte Gilbert de Vareze: The lady's husband. He came home unexpectedly.

Princess Jeanette: What are you doing now?

Maurice Courtelin: I'm thinking. I'm thinking of you without these clothes.

Princess Jeanette: Open your eyes at once!

Maurice Courtelin: Oh no, pardon madam. With different clothes. Smart clothes.

Duke d'Artelines: And the name "Baron Cortelin" is?

Vicomte Gilbert de Vareze: A mere nom de Pullman.

Count de Savignac: [after falling off a ladder from Princess Jeanette's balcony] Oh, I'll never be able to use it again.

Princess Jeanette: Oh, count, did you break your leg?

Count de Savignac: No. I fell flat on my flute.

Countess Valentine: My dear uncle, you can get rid of me for 20,000 francs.

Duke d'Artelines: My dear countess, I...

Countess Valentine: Oh, uncle, don't be so pomp. I'm only asking you for some of the money you're holding in trust for me.

Duke d'Artelines: If I give you any you'd go straight back to Paris. You're staying here, Valentine. What you need is more of the simple life, young woman.

Countess Valentine: Can't you even get a footman under 40 in this place?

Major Domo Flammand: About the schedule for the guests for tomorrow, your grace.

Duke d'Artelines: Oh tomorrow... bridge... at 3. And dinner... at 8.

Major Domo Flammand: And after dinner?

Duke d'Artelines: Bridge! Rather an amusing day, Flammand, eh?

Major Domo Flammand: Quite exciting, your grace.

Duke d'Artelines: And, what are the guests doing now, Flammand?

Major Domo Flammand: Playing bridge, your grace.

Duke d'Artelines: Ahhh!

[Smiles, self-satisfied]

Vicomte Gilbert de Vareze: Now uncle, now look, I've got to get back to Paris.

Duke d'Artelines: You can't. You're staying here permanently. And if I hear any more of your debts, any more bills, I'll cut you off without a sou.

Vicomte Gilbert de Vareze: Oh, now...

Duke d'Artelines: Do you understand? You're imp... imp... uh, what's the word?

Vicomte Gilbert de Vareze: Impertuneous.

[sic]

Duke d'Artelines: No, no. no.

Countess Valentine: Impudent?

Duke d'Artelines: No, no.

Vicomte Gilbert de Vareze: No, no. Imposter?

Duke d'Artelines: No!

Countess Valentine: Impertinent?

Duke d'Artelines: Ah, that's it. You impertinent jack... uh... uh... uh... jack... uh...

Vicomte Gilbert de Vareze: Jackal?

Duke d'Artelines: No, no, no.

Vicomte Gilbert de Vareze: Well, I'm sure...

Countess Valentine: Jackass?

Duke d'Artelines: No, no.

Vicomte Gilbert de Vareze: [to Valentine] I wish you'd go to bed.

Duke d'Artelines: Jackanapes!

Vicomte Gilbert de Vareze: Ahhhh...

Duke d'Artelines: You impertinent jackanapes. Liar! Cheat!

Vicomte Gilbert de Vareze: You'll be insulting me in a minute.

Duke d'Artelines: Nitwit! Numbskull! Nincompoop!

Vicomte Gilbert de Vareze: Valentine, can you go for a doctor?

Countess Valentine: Certainly. Bring him right in.

Vicomte Gilbert de Vareze: No, no. It's for Jeanette. She's fainted again.

Princess Jeanette: Tell me, do you ever think of anything but men, dear?

Countess Valentine: Oh, yes.

Princess Jeanette: Of what?

Countess Valentine: Schoolboys.

Second Aunt: Madame Dutoit has been insulted.

Count de Savignac: At her age? Remarkable.

Dowager: Oh, Miss Dutoit has been insulted.

Countess Valentine: Some men have no taste.

Dowager: Miss Dutoit has been insulted.

Vicomte Gilbert de Vareze: Huh, the old gal must have something.

Princess Jeanette: [On a horse galloping beside the speeding train engine, yells at the engineer] Stop the train!

Train engineer: What's the trouble?

Princess Jeanette: I love him.

Train engineer: That's not a railroad problem.

Dowager: Once upon a time there was a princess and a prince charming.

First Aunt: Who was not a prince.

Second Aunt: But who was charming.

Dowager: And they lived happily ever after.