Calvin Jones: [after seeing some flamboyant chorus boys in cowboy outfits and wearing make-up at a Broadway restuaurant] They may be cowboys; but, they ain't from Texas.
Newsstand Proprietor: Well, how was the show?
customer: It smells out loud.
Calvin Jones: [looking at menu from Ruby's "Kosher" Restaurant] Pardon me, I guess I ain't used to these kinda chuck-houses they have around these parts.
Joe Lehman: Well, can I help you?
Calvin Jones: Yeah; what is this 'matzoh balls'? Sounds like Navajo food to me!
Joe Lehman: Yes, that's Indian. Food from a lost tribe.
A Tart at the Depot: Well, kick my shins if it ain't Calvin Jones.
Depot Bum: Say, buddy, could ya spare a dime for a poor guy to get somethin' to eat?
Calvin Jones: Are ya hungry?
Depot Bum: Pal, I'm starving.
Calvin Jones: Well, I'll be doggone. Come on and I'll buy ya a meal.
Depot Bum: Oh, I'm sorry, boss; but, right now, I can't leave my stand.
Calvin Jones: Oh, okay, well let me know when you're gonna have a day off.
Calvin Jones: I tell ya, friend, there's nothing like the smell of a good horse.
Calvin Jones: [Reading a NYC menu] What's this - borscht?
Joe Lehman: Borscht? That's nothing but beet soup.
Calvin Jones: Yeah? Kind of a highfalutin name for just ordinary, common, home-grown, beets, ain't it?
Joe Lehman: This is Broadway, you know. Everything isn't what it seems.
Calvin Jones: Yes sir, I can see that. Guess I gotta, kinda, watch my step along this lighted cowpath.
Ruth Weston: You better be thinking up a good excuse in case your lady friend, Miss Martin, should arrive while he's here.
Joe Lehman: Don't tell me that dame's comin' here?
Ruth Weston: Absolutely - and she's bringin' 141 pounds of temperament with her!
Joe Lehman: You stall her off, will ya? Tell her she's gettin' thin or anything else; but, don't let her come into the office.
Calvin Jones: Well, it's the truth, Miss Ruth. Honest, it is.
Calvin Jones: [Greetings to the hat salesman] Hallucinations, to ya!
Calvin Jones: [Greeting the bellboys] Ejaculations!
Calvin Jones: If an apple a day, keeps a doctor away - what'll a banana do?
Calvin Jones: I guess you heard me talkin' to myself. It's an old, it's an old cowboy habit. We, we always do that when we're ridin' the range - alone. Makes it much more interesting, 'cause we never know what answer we're gonna give ourselves.
Calvin Jones: You shouldn't oughta talk to me like that. I'm a very touchy fella.
Ruth Weston: What a minute, Sam, you're not going to get away with that. You think you can take his dough and kick him off, you're all wet!
Joe Lehman: Who do you think you're talking to?
Ruth Weston: To you, wise guy! You hooked him with a lot of phony talk, sold him the idea to put all his money in a turkey show.
Ruth Weston: They got you roped and hogtied and you're afraid to talk back!
Oscar: You show people, you make a fella feel right at home. And are they having fun! Great business, show business.
Miss Martin: Is this what I'm asked to give a performance in?
Calvin Jones: Well, what's the matter with it?
Miss Martin: What's the matter with it? He asks me what's the matter with it! It's impossible! My following, they'll think I'm insane. I look like a horse!
Calvin Jones: Not when you're standing up, you don't.
Calvin Jones: [Lets out a loud whoop, which frightens the Hebrew horse-cart driver] That's a yell I use on Longhorns! Got one I use on hogs, too. Wanna' hear it?
The Hebrew: [the Hebrew lets out a long string of Yiddish, accompanied by much hand gesturing]
Calvin Jones: Guess you're a native alright. Can't understand a word you said!
Mack: [Calvin is putting his pistols in his pockets] Say, are those things loaded?
Calvin Jones: Right to the hilt!
Joe Lehman: You carry 'em around loose like that?
Calvin Jones: Say, I sleep with 'em!
Mack: Kind of dangerous, ain't it?
Calvin Jones: Only for the man that I'm shootin' at, ha ha.
Calvin Jones: I'm the best shot in Rawhide County, Texas. I can core a plum at 200 paces without even wrinkling the skin.
[Joe and Mack laugh]