Calvin Jones: [after seeing some flamboyant chorus boys in cowboy outfits and wearing make-up at a Broadway restuaurant] They may be cowboys; but, they ain't from Texas.

Newsstand Proprietor: Well, how was the show?

customer: It smells out loud.

Calvin Jones: [looking at menu from Ruby's "Kosher" Restaurant] Pardon me, I guess I ain't used to these kinda chuck-houses they have around these parts.

Joe Lehman: Well, can I help you?

Calvin Jones: Yeah; what is this 'matzoh balls'? Sounds like Navajo food to me!

Joe Lehman: Yes, that's Indian. Food from a lost tribe.

A Tart at the Depot: Well, kick my shins if it ain't Calvin Jones.

Depot Bum: Say, buddy, could ya spare a dime for a poor guy to get somethin' to eat?

Calvin Jones: Are ya hungry?

Depot Bum: Pal, I'm starving.

Calvin Jones: Well, I'll be doggone. Come on and I'll buy ya a meal.

Depot Bum: Oh, I'm sorry, boss; but, right now, I can't leave my stand.

Calvin Jones: Oh, okay, well let me know when you're gonna have a day off.

Calvin Jones: I tell ya, friend, there's nothing like the smell of a good horse.

Calvin Jones: [Reading a NYC menu] What's this - borscht?

Joe Lehman: Borscht? That's nothing but beet soup.

Calvin Jones: Yeah? Kind of a highfalutin name for just ordinary, common, home-grown, beets, ain't it?

Joe Lehman: This is Broadway, you know. Everything isn't what it seems.

Calvin Jones: Yes sir, I can see that. Guess I gotta, kinda, watch my step along this lighted cowpath.

Joe Lehman: Just in from Oklahoma, eh?

Calvin Jones: Texas.

Joe Lehman: Oh, I mean, Texas. Great state, Mack, Texas. Great people. Great climate. Oh, by the way, have you met my partner, Mr. McClure?

Mack: Why how are you Mr. - ?

Calvin Jones: Jones. Calvin Jones.

Joe Lehman: Oh, you know what a hole I'm in.

Ruth Weston: Well, I certainly know what a hole I'm in!

Ruth Weston: You better be thinking up a good excuse in case your lady friend, Miss Martin, should arrive while he's here.

Joe Lehman: Don't tell me that dame's comin' here?

Ruth Weston: Absolutely - and she's bringin' 141 pounds of temperament with her!

Joe Lehman: You stall her off, will ya? Tell her she's gettin' thin or anything else; but, don't let her come into the office.

Joe Lehman: Well, sweetheart, how'd you like the show?

Calvin Jones: [Looks around] Oh, you mean me? Oh, say the show was a rip snorter! And women - whoopie!

Calvin Jones: Well, it's the truth, Miss Ruth. Honest, it is.

Calvin Jones: [Greetings to the hat salesman] Hallucinations, to ya!

Calvin Jones: [Greeting the bellboys] Ejaculations!

Calvin Jones: If an apple a day, keeps a doctor away - what'll a banana do?

Calvin Jones: I guess you heard me talkin' to myself. It's an old, it's an old cowboy habit. We, we always do that when we're ridin' the range - alone. Makes it much more interesting, 'cause we never know what answer we're gonna give ourselves.

Calvin Jones: You shouldn't oughta talk to me like that. I'm a very touchy fella.

Ruth Weston: What a minute, Sam, you're not going to get away with that. You think you can take his dough and kick him off, you're all wet!

Joe Lehman: Who do you think you're talking to?

Ruth Weston: To you, wise guy! You hooked him with a lot of phony talk, sold him the idea to put all his money in a turkey show.

Calvin Jones: I heard what you said in there, just now, Ruth; about bein' paid to be nice to me.

Ruth Weston: Well, what if you did? If you didn't know 'til now, it's high time you woke up and found out!

Calvin Jones: You sure played your part good. Gosh, you got me just - goofy about ya.

Ruth Weston: They got you roped and hogtied and you're afraid to talk back!

Oscar: You show people, you make a fella feel right at home. And are they having fun! Great business, show business.

Miss Martin: Is this what I'm asked to give a performance in?

Calvin Jones: Well, what's the matter with it?

Miss Martin: What's the matter with it? He asks me what's the matter with it! It's impossible! My following, they'll think I'm insane. I look like a horse!

Calvin Jones: Not when you're standing up, you don't.

Calvin Jones: There's a cab waitin' at the curb. Go downstairs and get into it.

Ruth Weston: Calvin, hadn't you better come with me?

Calvin Jones: Don't you worry none about me, honey. I'll be along in a minute. I got some *business* with these tarantulas!

Calvin Jones: [Lets out a loud whoop, which frightens the Hebrew horse-cart driver] That's a yell I use on Longhorns! Got one I use on hogs, too. Wanna' hear it?

The Hebrew: [the Hebrew lets out a long string of Yiddish, accompanied by much hand gesturing]

Calvin Jones: Guess you're a native alright. Can't understand a word you said!

Mack: [Calvin is putting his pistols in his pockets] Say, are those things loaded?

Calvin Jones: Right to the hilt!

Joe Lehman: You carry 'em around loose like that?

Calvin Jones: Say, I sleep with 'em!

Mack: Kind of dangerous, ain't it?

Calvin Jones: Only for the man that I'm shootin' at, ha ha.

Calvin Jones: I'm the best shot in Rawhide County, Texas. I can core a plum at 200 paces without even wrinkling the skin.

[Joe and Mack laugh]