[first lines]

[Mary Evans is admiring a magazine photo of Clark Gable]

Mary Evans: Hmmmm. Oh, boy!

[Mary places the magazine photo against her face and pretends Gable is her lover. She speaks in an exaggerated voice]

Mary Evans: Daaahling, how I love you my daaahling, I love you I do.

[she puts the magazine down and returns to her normal voice]

Mary Evans: It's getting late and I must scram.

Max Carey: Would you mind reading that fan letter for me?

[it is written on the front of the shirt he is wearing]

James - Max's Butler: Mary Evans. Five foot four inches. Weight 102 pounds. Complextion blonde. Telephone Gladstone 5309. Sings and swims. Rides horseback.

Max Carey: Well, I, I wonder who...?

James - Max's Butler: It must have been the young lady.

Max Carey: Young lady? Did I bring some one home with me last night?

James - Max's Butler: No sir, some one brought you home this morning. She's downstairs asleep.

Max Carey: I must get a dressing gown!

Max Carey: Every hour that you're out of jail you're away from home.

[last lines]

Lonny Borden: Oh Mary? Aren't you going to say hello?

Mary Evans: How'd you find us?

Lonny Borden: Detectives. I kidnapped Jackie because I realized I'd never be able to get in to see you any other way.

Mary Evans: Why'd you come?

Lonny Borden: Well among other things, I've a rather important mesage here from Mr. Saxe. I'll read it. "Dear Mary. Just bought a new story. It'd make a good comeback for you. You go to prison for the man you love. Exhibiters interested. Mother and I send love. Julius Saxe." There is a p.s.

[he turns the message over and pretends to read a p.s]

Lonny Borden: "You better re-marry Lonny Borden. He adores you, he always has, cause he realizes that he isn't good enough for you but he'll do anything if you only take him back." It's true. Honest and a whole lot more!

Mary Evans: Then... than you didn't go to Hollywood just to take Jackie from me?

Lonny Borden: Well of course not dear. I came out to help if you needed it.

Mary Evans: Oh Lonny.

Lonny Borden: Let's have dinner together tonight, huh? There's a hotel here with a magnificent main dining room, a thirty piece orchestra, orchids.

Mary Evans: Suppose I said no?

Lonny Borden: Well you know what happened last time.

Mary Evans: Lonny!

Mary Evans: Why do you drink all the time? Can't you cut the heavy swilling?

Max Carey: What, and be bored all the time?

Max Carey: Let me give you a tip about Hollywood. Always keep your sense of humor then you can't miss.

Mary Evans: Don't worry about me. I got a great sense of humor.

Max Carey: Good. I'll give you my private telephone number. It's... oh well I've forgotten it, but it doesn't matter. You'll find it listed in the book under the name of my Chinese cook, Hip Sing Lung. You think I'm screwy don't you?

Mary Evans: No. I know you're screwy.

Mary Evans: Her I am sir.

[Mary enters the projection room]

Julius Saxe: Hello. Hmmm hmmm hmmm. Let me look at you. Fine. Gentlemen. Sit down. Well, what's your name?

Mary Evans: Mary Evans.

Julius Saxe: Mary Evans? No Good. We'll change it.

Max Carey: Mary's a grand old name Saxey.

Julius Saxe: Alright, we'll keep it. Well Mary. I tell you what I do. I'll give you a contract, a long term contract for seven years. I'll give you the first year 100, the second year 200. A week! The third year 300 and so on until in seven years you make a million dollars.

Mary Evans: Oh that would be wonderful!

Julius Saxe: Mrs. Spiegel, get mama on the phone. I want to tell her I have discovered a new star.

Max Carey: Who discovered a new star?

Julius Saxe: Alright. Maximillian Carey discovered a new star.

Max Carey: You're welcome.

Mary Evans: I'm in pictures. Mr. Carey I'm in pictures!

Max Carey: Well don't blame me.

Julius Saxe: Goodbye Mary. I want to talk to you Maxie.

Mary Evans: Goodbye Mr. Saxe. Goodbye Mr. Carey. Thank you!

[Mary turns and walks to the projector room's exit door]

Max Carey: Goodbye Mary. Be careful about your options.

Julius Saxe: Carey I like you. You're a fine director Carey.

Max Carey: Alright, what have I done now?

Julius Saxe: Now see I'll tell you. Carey you are slipping. All the time with the "but". All the time you are drunk. No longer do you care whether the scenes are good. No longer do you care whether the scene is being wasted. All the time retakes. All the time over schedule.

Max Carey: Alright. Now let's see, who do we get to replace me?

Julius Saxe: Now listen. I'm saying that to you for your own good. You're even losing your memory with this drinking business. You're getting crazy. It's no good. You've got to stop it. Look here, five years ago you were ten years ahead of it and now you're not quite even with it. And what's the answer? Whiskey!

Max Carey: You're right. What the picture business needs is white wines and beers!

Julius Saxe: Ahhhhhh!

Max Carey: Well what's the riot about? Hello Mary, anything new?

Julius Saxe: It's going to be terrific! Weddings are my speciality!

Max Carey: Wedding? What wedding?

Mary Evans: Mine. Darling aren't you going to congratulate me?

Max Carey: What for? It'll never last.

Lonny Borden: What won't last?

Max Carey: My liver and a movie star's marriage.

Mary Evans: We know your liver won't last darling!

Max Carey: Say, do you think I'm doing this because I like it! How about you forget your husband for a few minutes and we might be able to finish this scene and go home.

Lonny Borden: Oh, it too late for the theater now anyhow.

Max Carey: Or you stand the chance of seeing the last act. Might do her some good to see a competent actress.

Mary Evans: Say!

Lonny Borden: Is it necessary to insult Miss Evans Mr. Carey?

Max Carey: Outsiders are not allowed on the set. Why don't you let me direct Miss Evans and you be... Mr. Evans.

Mary Evans: That'll be enough tonight Max. Come on Lonny!

Miss DuPont - the Interviewer: Oh how do you do?

Mary Evans: How do you do Miss DuPont?

Miss DuPont - the Interviewer: My what a lovely place!

Mary Evans: This is my husband.

Miss DuPont - the Interviewer: How do you do Mr. Borden?

Lonny Borden: How do you do.

Miss DuPont - the Interviewer: I didn't dream you were so handsome. What a pair of lovers! Oh I must have a photograph of you looking at each other just like that.

Mary Evans: Well, let's sit down.

Miss DuPont - the Interviewer: Thank you.

Mary Evans: Come on Lonny.

[Mary grabs Lonny's arm and pulls him down to sit]

Miss DuPont - the Interviewer: Of course you know Miss Evans, I'm writing a series of articles on the love lives of picture stars and I want your love life for the April number.

Lonny Borden: You want what?

Miss DuPont - the Interviewer: Now of course you don't mind answering just a few intimate questions. Of course I know you married for love. But was it the thoughtful reasoning kind or was it the blind passionate ummmmph kind?

Mary Evans: Well I don't know. I suppose it was the...

Lonny Borden: Well I should say it was the, uh, ummmmph kind!

Miss DuPont - the Interviewer: That's good! Now are you planning on having a family?

Mary Evans: I hope to some day.

Miss DuPont - the Interviewer: Oh how sweet. How interesting. Have you seperate bedrooms?

Mary Evans: No.

Miss DuPont - the Interviewer: Oh I must have a photograph of your bedroom! Now Miss Evans, tell me, just how far do you think a wife should go to keep a husband's love?

Mary Evans: Well I know I'd go a long way myself.

Miss DuPont - the Interviewer: And what do you think a husband should do to keep a wife's love, Mr. Borden?

Lonny Borden: I really haven't the faintest idea. Suppose you tell me!

Miss DuPont - the Interviewer: Oh oh oh. I've never been a husband. That reminds me. Have you a photograph showing your marvelous physique?

Lonny Borden: No but I have my appendix in the other room in a bottle. Perhaps you'd like to photograph that!

[Lonny gets up and exits]

Miss DuPont - the Interviewer: Has he gone to get it?

Mary Evans: No, uh, I, I don't think so, ummm.

Mary Evans: Oh, you wouldn't do this if I were a man!

Lonny Borden: I wouldn't want to.

Julius Saxe: You authors should be able to tell a story in fifty words. If you cannot tell it in fifty words, it isn't a good story. The whole story of creation was told in 300 words in the Book of Genesis.

Max Carey: "Genesis" - there's a guy you should sign up.

Mary Evans: Lonny, where are you going?

Lonny Borden: I'm going as far away from Hollywood and all its inmates as I can get.

Mary Evans: Don't be absurd.

Max Carey: Oh, let him go. He'll come back.

Lonny Borden: I'm not coming back. I'm fed up with this kind of living. I should have known better from the start.

Mary Evans: What do you mean, you're not coming back?

Lonny Borden: I mean we don't live in the same world.

Mary Evans: That's right. The world I live in, people are human beings, not stuffed shirts!

Lonny Borden: You live in a world where people are cheap and vulgar without knowing it. And if you weren't cheap and vulgar yourself you couldn't stand it!

Mary Evans: All right, if that's the way you feel, get out! Get out! Get out! Get out!

Max Carey: You mustn't be unhappy over a man who doesn't exist anymore. I'm not the Max Carey that you once knew. I'm all burned out, Mary. Don't you see, I'm dead inside. I should feel ashamed... degraded. But I just can't feel anything.

Mary Evans: You know what? You're going to stop drinking. You're going back to work.

Max Carey: Work and I haven't been on speaking terms for quite some time.

Mary Evans: Why, everybody and every studio will be after you when you're well.

Max Carey: I've stopped kidding myself, Mary. I'm washed up in pictures... Done for. I haven't got it anymore. It's all gone in here.

[tapping his chest, near his heart]

Max Carey: I know.

Mary Evans: But that isn't true, Max. You can get straightened out. You'll come back.

Max Carey: From where I am, they don't come back.

Max Carey: I made an engagement to take a lady to the opening and I forgot to get her and she forgot to be a lady.

Mary Evans: Mr. Carey, people don't realize that you're a genius.

Max Carey: I proposed to a woman once for saying just that. She turned around and sued me.

Mary Evans: For being a genius?

Max Carey: No, for 50 grand.

Washed-Up Star Telephoning in Brown Derby: That's my price. I just got through making a personal appearance tour on the palsy-walsy circuit and I'm box office! I got box office sticking out all over me. So long.

[hangs up phone]

Washed-Up Star Telephoning in Brown Derby: [to the waitress] Well what have you got?

Mary Evans: I got box office too.

Mary Evans: I want some cold cuts.

Mary Evans: And a lot of ham.

Max Carey: Pardon me, but, what really happened last night?

Mary Evans: Oh, nothing much. You just passed out in the middle of the picture, that's all.

Max Carey: Was it that bad?

Mary Evans: Oh, no! It was well directed. But, that dame, was she leg conscious!

Max Carey: Just where and how did I meet you?

Mary Evans: The Brown Derby. I bought you from another waitress.

Max Carey: You bought me? Oh, of course, you work there, don't you?

Mary Evans: I did. But, I gave up my job for you, palsy-walsy.

Max Carey: So, I yodeled? I didn't try anything else, I mean...

Mary Evans: I know what you mean. No. And it was a novelty.

Max Carey: I must be slipping.

Max Carey: Come here, dear, let me show you something. Look, now when you come down the stairs, come down, easily, gracefully. See? Lightly. Now, don't put your hand on the railing. You're sober. Now, look here. You're, you're a pretty girl and this poor sap is going to propose to you. So, give it some zip, some animation, now.

Mary Evans: Yessir.

Max Carey: Now, try it once again. Now, come on. No, no, no, not on your heels. And don't clench your hands that way. This is a love scene, not a fight.

Mary Evans: Yessir.

Max Carey: Now, come on. Alright, now, come on. Be gay about it.

Lonny Borden: Oh, I've got a lot of imagination, Miss Evans. As a matter of fact, I'm doing some very pleasant imagining right now.

Mary Evans: Bonita, bring me a cigarette.

Lonny Borden: Now, we'll eat at 8:30. And by midnight, you'll have forgiven me.

Mary Evans: By midnight, I'll have forgotten you.

Mary Evans: Lonny, one of us has got to be sensible.

Lonny Borden: Well, it's not going to be me.

Mary Evans: Lonny, I must go home.

Lonny Borden: Well, you can go home.

Mary Evans: I mean alone.

Lonny Borden: You're not afraid of me, are you?

Mary Evans: Well, I'd be kinda silly if I weren't.

Mary Evans: Mr. Saxe, do we have to do this story?

Julius Saxe: What's wrong with it?

Mary Evans: Well, I have a baby. I don't think I should have a baby in every picture I do.

Julius Saxe: Well, maybe this baby is different. You are getting married first.

Max Carey: Well, I tell you, you produce one more mythical kingdom story and you're going to be a mythical producer. Now, you either throw that in the ash can or get some other boob to direct it.

Julius Saxe: I don't know any other boob.

Mary Evans: Well, they are my friends, Lonny, and you don't have to be so darn snoody about them.

Lonny Borden: Well, after all, dear, you can work with them. But, do you have to make intimate friends of them?

Mary Evans: I don't have to. I do it because I like them. They're kind and human and not so doggone superior!

Lonny Borden: Don't be nasty!

Mary Evans: Oh, Lonny, I'm not being nasty. I'm tired of arguing. Sometimes it seems that life is just one great big argument.

Lonny Borden: Oh, baby. I didn't mean to be nasty.

Lonny Borden: [Telegram] Mary Evans = You will be glad to know that I am no longer Mr. Mary Evans STOP You are now free white and twenty one STOP Divorce Granted Today

The Maid: Miss Evans, this French cook don't even know her own language. I've been trying to tell her to make a rice pudding with raisins in it and all she does is bark at me like a dog. Oeuf! Oeuf!

Mary Evans: Bonita, all she wants to know is how many eggs to put in the pudding. Oeuf means eggs.

The Maid: Oeuf means eggs. This new French language sure is gettin' me down!