Harry Payne Bosterly: You're drunk!

Harold: And you're crazy. But I'll be sober tomorrow and you'll be crazy for the rest of your life.

[Harold ripped a pillow playing with the dog]

Amelia: Those were my mother's feathers!

Harold: Never knew your mother had feathers.

Insurance Salesman: How old are you?

Harold: None of your business.

Insurance Salesman: I'd say you were a man about 50.

Harold: You would say that.

[at breakfast, Norman takes the plate of bacon before Harold can get it]

Harold: Hey, put it down!

Norman: What's the matter, Pop? Don'tcha love me anymore?

Harold: [he raises his hand to hit Norman] Certainly I love you.

Amelia: Don't you strike that child!

Harold: Well, he's not gonna tell me I don't love him.

Insurance Salesman: Do you know a man by the name of LaFong? Carl LaFong? Capital L, small a, Capital F, small o, small n, small g. LaFong. Carl LaFong.

Harold: No, I don't know Carl LaFong - capital L, small a, capital F, small o, small n, small g. And if I did know Carl LaFong, I wouldn't admit it!

Insurance Salesman: Well he's a railroad man and he leaves home very early in the morning.

Harold: Well, he's a chump.

Amelia: Wake up and go to sleep!

Mother: Just use your own judgment.

Daughter: You tell me where to go.

Harold: [muttering] I'd like to tell you both where to go.

Harold: [seeing Everett has stood by, allowing the toddler Elwood to open the spigot on the molasses barrel] What did you let him turn the molasses on for?

Everett: I told him I wouldn't do it if I was him.

Harold: You told him you wouldn't do it if you was him. Get him outta here!

[Harold has slipped on a skate]

Norman: Ha ha. Do it again, Pop.

Harold: Shut up!

Amelia: Hurt yourself, Dear?

Harold: Shut... Umm no, Dear.

Amelia: Oh, look what you've done!

Harold: She ran right in front of the car!

Amelia: Why, it's a statue, you idiot. It's a Venus de Milo.

Amelia: Why were you sitting there like a stone image when those men were insulting me?

Harold: I was just waiting for one of 'em to say something to me.

Amelia: Seems pretty strange someone would call you from a maternity hospital in the middle of the night.

Harold: They didn't call me from a maternity hospital. They called thinking this was the maternity hospital.

Amelia: A likely story!

Norman: Hey Pop, who ya think is dying?

Harold: Dying what?

Norman: Uncle Bean is dying!

Harold: Well you don't have to spit in my eye do ya?

Harold: This sun dial is ten minutes slow.

Amelia: Yes, the sun is wrong but your watch is right, of course.

Mrs. Dunk: Bessie, hurry up now.

Miss Dunk: Alright, I'll hurry.

Mrs. Dunk: Don't forget the ipecac.

Miss Dunk: I thought you said syrup of squill.

Mrs. Dunk: I can't hear you. Talk louder.

Miss Dunk: I thought you said syrup of squill.

Mrs. Dunk: Alright, syrup of squill. I don't care.

Miss Dunk: I don't care either. I'll get ipecac if you want me to.

Mrs. Dunk: Well ipecac or syrup of squill, I don't care which.

Miss Dunk: I don't care either. You tell me what to get and I'll get it.

Mrs. Dunk: Get whichever one you want. I don't care. Whatever they have handy. Just the same to me.

Miss Dunk: Ah, it's just the same to me too. I hate 'em both. Oh, where'll I go, to Jones's?

Mrs. Dunk: Use your own judgement.

Miss Dunk: No. You tell me where to go.

Harold: I'd like to tell you both where to go.

Mrs. Dunk: There's no use dear, I can't hear a word you're saying. Somebody's shouting on the floor below, so you'd better go along.

Harold: Ah, crackers. Good old crackers. That was a smart thing of me to bring those crackers along, wasn't it?

Insurance Salesman: If you should live to be 100...

[Harold chases him off the deck]

Harold: And suppose I live to be 200, I'll get a velocipede!

Mrs. Dunk: What do you have in the way of steaks?

Harold: Nothing in the way of steaks, I can get right to them.

Fitchmueller: How about my kumquats!

Harold: Coming. Coming. Coming. Coming. Coming.

Harold: [after being struck on the nose by a cluster of grapes dropped by Baby Dunk] Shades of Bacchus!

Mildred Bissonette: I never knew such an ungrateful father!

Harold: Listen, you've all got to realize one thing, that I am the Master of this house.

Amelia: [Calling from another part of the house] Harold!

Harold: Yes dear!

Amelia: I don't know why it is that every time I want to talk to you, you're off in some other part of the house! I have to shout! Shout! Shout! No wonder the neighbors know all about our private affairs. I give them enough opportunity as it is to find out what's going on, without you running away as if I had the small pox or something. Every time I open my mouth...

[Harold slips out of the house]

Amelia: The only real money you'll ever have and you throw it away before you get your hands on a penny of it! What are you lying there for?

Harold: I'm tired.

Amelia: Why don't you go to bed?

Harold: I thought I'd lie down and take a little nap first.

Amelia: Harold!

Harold: Don't argue with them, dear, they're beneath our dignity.

Harold: Vegetable man? Vegetable gentleman?

Harold: Sufferin' sciatica!

Mrs. Dunk: I'll take two pounds of round steak.

Harold: Off the rump?

Mrs. Dunk: Yes.

Harold: Two round off the rump.

Amelia: As I was saying - are you listening to me?

Harold: Eh, yes dear, yes dear, yes dear.

Amelia: For twenty years, I've struggled to make a home for you and the children.

Harold: That's right dear.

Amelia: Slaving day-in, day-out, to make both ends meet. Sometimes I don't know which way to turn.

Harold: Eh, turn over on your right side, dear. Sleeping on your left side's bad for the heart.

Amelia: And no more drinking!

Harold: Oh, no, no, no. Good night, dear.

Mildred Bissonette: Dad, quick! Mother's fainted!

Harold: Huh? Oh, here, here. Give her some of this reviver.

[Mildred gives her Mother some of Harold's hooch]

Harold: Doesn't it taste good?

Amelia: [Amelia's revived] Oh, you're an old idiot. But, I can't help loving you.

Harold: Give her another drink.