'Jimmy' Corrigan: What would you do for 100 Grand?

Gladys Farrell: What wouldn't I do?

'Jimmy' Corrigan: [as Joan enters] Cigarette?

Miss Joan Martin: No, thanks.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: You know, I've been thinkin' about you, Baby.

Miss Joan Martin: I wish you wouldn't, Jimmy.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: What?

Miss Joan Martin: Think about me.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: What's the matter?

Miss Joan Martin: I'm liable to catch something hanging out in your mind.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Baby, what would you do for five hundred bucks?

Mabel: I'd do my best.

Miss Joan Martin: [to Jimmy] You're the greatest chiseler since Michaelangelo!

Monty Barton: You won't think any less of me, Big Baby, fer forgettin' the ring?

Gladys Farrell: [Walking away from him] That's all right. When you shed your skin, send me the rattles.

Bessie: [working the switchboard] Hello Mr. Corrigan's office. Mrs.Greenbaum? Oh, I thought I reckonized your voice... Huh? Oh, you wanna know if Mr. Corrigan sent you that copy of your aunt's will? Just a sec...

[turning to her coworker]

Bessie: Hey Jitters, has that gone out yet?

Jitters: [irritated] No it ain't. Whaddya think I am? An octopus with a thousand hands or somethin'?

Bessie: Sure, Mrs. Greenbaum, it's in the mail... You're welcome.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: I'd give my right eye.

Miss Joan Martin: It would turn out to be glass!

Miss Joan Martin: You're the kind of guy that would steal two left shoes!

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Eddie, money don't talk! It speaks right out loud!

'Jimmy' Corrigan: [to Lou] Now, look, you beat it down to the Farm Owner's Trust Company and bribe that dumb, bald man to give you the dope on that old lady! Get it?

[Pointing a threatening finger]

'Jimmy' Corrigan: And look, if you miss anything, you get lumps!

Charles Wallingham: You'd better give this case your personal attention.

Miss Joan Martin: I'll get on it right away before Jimmy Corrigan and his Tarzans get wind of it.

Charles Wallingham: Wait a minute. Corrigan doesn't get any... tips from the emergency.

Miss Joan Martin: I don't trust him! He'd bribe a corpse to sit up and telephone!

Miss Joan Martin: You don't care what anybody does! It's just getting caught!

'Jimmy' Corrigan: What's the matter with that? Im in business, aren't I?

Miss Joan Martin: I'll say! Crooked business!

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Oh, all business is crooked!

Miss Joan Martin: Signed Jimmy Corrigan, the boy with the worm's eye view!

'Jimmy' Corrigan: There's only two kinds of guys in business - those who get caught and those who on't!

'Jimmy' Corrigan: [Gladys laughs] I knew we'd get along.

[He laughs]

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Now look, Babe, listen. Listen. Tell me, Gladys, what would you do for a nice big piece of change?

Gladys Farrell: Hunh! What wouldn't I do!

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Yeah, we know all about that, but this is business.

Gladys Farrell: All right, so it's business. How do I snag this dough?

'Jimmy' Corrigan: By not testifying against Joe Rector.

Gladys Farrell: So that's it. Say, listen, I'll send that hyena to the chair and put a tack in it!

Miss Joan Martin: [to Wallingham] Are we sitting pretty or are we sitting pretty?

Charles Wallingham: [In a French accent] Au revoir, Cunningham.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: [In a New York accent] Fillette Mignon, Wallingham.

Charles Wallingham: [as she is crying] Joan, dear, I'm a bit gauche at this sort of thing, but why don't you let me take care of you?

Miss Joan Martin: [Shocked] Mr. Wallingham!

Charles Wallingham: Oh, don't "Mister" me, please, as I've grown very fond of you.

Miss Joan Martin: Mr. Wallingham!

Charles Wallingham: [Said as a double entendre] I've tried to make you... really mine.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Hello, Baby. I was just gonna give yuh a ring.

[He notices she is just glaring at him]

'Jimmy' Corrigan: What's the matter?

Miss Joan Martin: [Contemptuously] You go down deeper, stay under longer, and come up dirtier than any man I've ever known!

'Jimmy' Corrigan: [Starting to pour her a drink] Say when.

Mabel: [Clueless] Whattya mean?

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Let it go.

Lou: I finally located the tomato that fits the description. A beautiful gurl. I been workin' on at nights!

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Oh, nights, huh?

Lou: She fits purfect!

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Yeah?

Lou: Blonde, blue eyes, about five foot three in her stockings.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Go on.

Lou: And she's got a little mole on her left hip.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Stop right there! In the first place, it wasn't a mole it was a wart. And in the second place it wasn't on a hip is was on a shoulder. And in the third place is wasn't a dame, it was a guy!

Lou: There must be some mistake.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Yeah and that's you!

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Sit down boys. Everybody sit down. Boys, have a seat. Now look, in the first place you got to get it out of your head that this is a racket. This is a respectable, high-class, A-Number One, business. And you boys got a chance to make some real dough. Only, you gotta watch yourself to keep outta jail. See?

'Jimmy' Corrigan: That's cheaper than payin' off all them nurses and interns in Emergency, ain't it?

Lou: Swell! Now, if they could only do that all around, we could let some of them mugs go we got workin' for us.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: What! And throw all them nice boys we got workin' for us out of work? What becomes of the NRA? What becomes of liberty? What becomes of democracy?

Lou: Boy, you're a Prince.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Nah! Just doin' my part, that's all.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Remember, you're a Southerern gentleman, you mug. A Southerern gentleman!

Lou: What's the name of the pancake that Monty's gonna marry?

Mabel: Ain't you gonna kiss me?

Monty Barton: [to Lou] Is it all right with you?

Lou: Certainly. You're leavin' ain't ya?

Monty Barton: Oh, sure.

Lou: Then, go ahead.

Gladys Farrell: I tell you no! N like in no. O like in no. No! N-O.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Hiya, baby.

Miss Joan Martin: Jimmy! What? It's taking my breathe away. So swank!

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Cosy, ain't it.

Miss Joan Martin: Cosy? It's colossal!

'Jimmy' Corrigan: What's the matter with that dame?

Lou: I don't understand, huh? First she says she's proud of me and then when I give her some of the details...

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Details? Why you big, silly-lookin', pickle-puss, babblin' ape!

Miss Joan Martin: Make me respect you.

Miss Joan Martin: [Speaking of Wallingham] He bothers you, doesn't he?

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Yeah, like a crumb in a union suit!

Miss Joan Martin: Well, it'll always bother you. Jimmy, he's got something you haven't.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: The only thing he's got that I want is you, and he took you away from me.

Mabel: Louie says you're a prince.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Are you sure he said "Prince"?

Bessie: The boss has been lookin' high and low for you.

Lou: No foolin'?

Bessie: No foolin'. He's sore as a boil. Where have you been?

Lou: I been out lookin' up an heiress.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Now look, you guys get your expenses and 15 smacks a week - and 10 percent of anything you turn up, if it goes through. Fair enough?

Miss Joan Martin: How exciting! What a chance for us.

Charles Wallingham: I love your enthusiasm.

Charles Wallingham: It's invaluable having you here, knowing as much about Corrigan as you do and his peculiar technique. You're very stimulating.

Miss Joan Martin: I need a haircut.

Miss Joan Martin: Every time a hot tip comes into this office, Ronny Gaston steps out to get a deck of cigarettes.

Charles Wallingham: I see - and your feminine instinct tells you?

Miss Joan Martin: It tells me I'm going to get a big black cigar.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Well, well. If it ain't little Joanie. Hiya baby! Come on in.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: What's on your mind?

Miss Joan Martin: Ronny Gaston.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Why, the dirty little rat. Did he squeal?

Miss Joan Martin: No, I caught him.

Miss Joan Martin: He's got ethics.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: I don't care if he has carbuncles. The only difference between him and me is he's got a smoother line.

Miss Joan Martin: Is that all?

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Yeah, and a sharper knife and he sticks it between your fourth and your fifth rib and you don't know you're dead until you get home.

Miss Joan Martin: You can't talk about him like that.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: I'll talk about him any way I like.

Miss Joan Martin: You can't make yourself clean by making him dirty.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: He's a chisler, just the same as me.

Miss Joan Martin: He's a gentleman and you're a crook.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Oh, it looks like he's done all right with you already.

Miss Joan Martin: Just what do you mean by that?

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Do you need a diagram?

Miss Joan Martin: What do you want?

'Jimmy' Corrigan: You didn't have no right to call me a crook.

Miss Joan Martin: Oh, did I call you that? I apologize to the crooks.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Now, this is what you can do for me. Tell me, who makes all those nice clothes for you? How do you get all this swell class into this joint? And how long does it take a mug like me to learn to talk like your kind of lingo?

'Jimmy' Corrigan: I am lookin' for a guy named Monty Barton. You wanna know why? Cause he just came into two hundred thousand bucks.

Monty Barton: What?

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Got a match?

Monty Barton: Two hundred grand.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: What a lucky guy you are. Remember your Aunt Sarah from Philly?

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Yeah.

Monty Barton: Your dearest relative. She ate a poison cheese sandwich and turned up her toes.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Money don't talk. It screams right out loud.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Now, look. Look. Here's 250 bucks. 250 on account.

Mabel: On a count of what?

Miss Joan Martin: Put your arms around me. Make me love you. Make me love you! Oh, you've got to make me love you.

Lou: [Jimmy writing a telegram] Can't you put somethin' in it that will make it sound more like him?

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Like what?

Lou: Some English word.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: I only finished half of that shelf of books. I don't know any of that English stuff.

Lou: How about, eh, cheerio.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Say, yeah, that sounds English. Cheerio.

Miss Joan Martin: [final lines] What are you doing?

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Ethics, sweetheart. Ethics. I'm just crawlin' with ethics.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: What's the matter, baby? Don't you like me any more?

Miss Joan Martin: Of course, I do. You know that. I always have. But, I'm just afraid that every time I go in the Post Office, I'll see your picture pasted on the wall.

Charles Wallingham: Please say, yes. Please. We could spend a quiet weekend together.

Miss Joan Martin: I'm afraid.

Charles Wallingham: Of what, dear?

Miss Joan Martin: That I won't make you happy.

Charles Wallingham: Oh, dearest.

Miss Joan Martin: I promise you, I'll try awfully hard.

Charles Wallingham: Sweet little idiot.

Miss Joan Martin: To make you a good wife.

Charles Wallingham: Was that your phone?

Miss Joan Martin: I didn't hear anything.

Monty Barton: What do I do to get the dough?

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Just go down and tell them who you are.

Monty Barton: Go down and tell them who I am, huh? Swell! I only got a murder rap hanging over me.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Yeah, that's right.

Monty Barton: You're asking me to crawl up in that electric chair and whistle for the jews.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Well, you can buy an awful lot of sweet lawyers with that two hundred thousand bucks.

Monty Barton: Listen, if I'm caught the only thing that'll keep me from burnin' is a short circuit.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Did you really top that guy, Burke?

Monty Barton: Well, he pulls a gun and starts blazin' away. So, I let him have six with the old equalizer and they bury him the next day. Draw your own conclusions.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Well, you ain't got no murder charge against you. You shot in self defense!

Monty Barton: Sure, just try to convince a jury. There was a dame in the room when the fun started.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: Who?

Monty Barton: Burke's doll.

'Jimmy' Corrigan: His sweetheart?

Monty Barton: Yeah.

Monty Barton: What are you doin'?

'Jimmy' Corrigan: You ain't got nothin' to loose have ya? Its either me or fry.