A Day at the Races (1937)
Leonard Ceeley: Whitmore
Quotes
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Whitmore : Just a minute, Mrs Upjohn. That looks like a horse pill to me.
Dr. Hackenbush : Oh, you've taken them before.
Mrs. Upjohn : Are you sure, Doctor, you haven't made a mistake?
Dr. Hackenbush : You have nothing to worry about. The last patient I gave one of those to won the Kentucky Derby.
Whitmore : May I examine this, please? Do you actually give those to your patients? Isn't it awfully large for a pill?
Dr. Hackenbush : Well, it was too small for a basketball, and I didn't know what to do with it. Say, you're awfully large for a pill yourself.
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Whitmore : The doctor seems reluctant to discuss his medical experiences.
Dr. Hackenbush : Well, medically, my experiences have been most unexciting. Except during the flu epidemic.
Whitmore : Ah, and what happened?
Dr. Hackenbush : I got the flu.
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Mrs. Upjohn : Surely, you don't question the Doctor's ability.
Whitmore : No, not exactly. But running a sanitarium calls for a man with peculiar talents.
Dr. Hackenbush : You don't have to look any further, I've got the most peculiar talents of any doctor you've ever met.
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Whitmore : [In walk Tony and Stuffy, disguised as Doctors] Dr. Hackenbush, tell me, who sent for these men?
Dr. Hackenbush : You don't have to send for them. You just rub a lamp and they appear.
Tony : My name is Steinberg.
[Goes to shake Dr. Steinberg's hand]
Dr. Hackenbush : Dr. Steinberg, by a strange coincidence, this is another Dr. Steinberg. May I take my great friend and introduce my colleagues and good friends, another Dr. Steinberg. This is a Dr. Steinberg, Dr. Steinberg. Dr. Steinberg. And a Mrs. Steinberg. And Doctor, I'd like you to meet another Dr. Steinberg. And, eh, that's a, that's a Steinberg junior.
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Whitmore : [Speaking on the phone, believes he is talking to the Florida Medical Board, but, it is really Dr. Hackenbush, pretending to be Medical Board Records Department Manager, Colonel Hawkings] I want to know about Doctor Hackenbush.
[Hackenbush, in an adjacent office, buzzes the dictograph. Whitmore goes to answer it]
Whitmore : Yes?
Dr. Hackenbush : Whitmore, you'll have to cut out that squawking. The patients are all complaining.
[Talking on the phone in a Southern accent, pretending to be Colonel Hawkings]
Dr. Hackenbush : And, eh, I hope, sir, that's the information that you require.
Whitmore : I'm sorry, Colonel, I didn't hear it. I was called to the dictograph.
Dr. Hackenbush : [On the phone, pretending to be Colonel Hawkings] What was that you said, sir?
Whitmore : I was called to the dictograph!
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Dr. Hackenbush : Get me Mr. Whitmore.
[the operator calls Whitmore's office]
Whitmore : Hello?
Dr. Hackenbush : [disguising his voice as the receptionist] Here's your Florida call, Mr. Whitmore.
Whitmore : All right. Hello?
Dr. Hackenbush : [as the receptionist] Florida Medical Office, good morning.
Whitmore : I'd like to talk to the man in charge of the records, please.
Dr. Hackenbush : [as the receptionist] Record department? Just a moment, sugar dear.
Dr. Hackenbush : [as Col. Hawkins] Record department? Colonel Hawkins talking.
Whitmore : Col. Hawkins, did you get a wire from me regarding Dr. Hackenbush?
Dr. Hackenbush : [turns on the fan and holds a piece of paper next to it] I'm sorry, sir, but there's a hurricane blowing down here, and you'll have to talk a little louder! Whew, it certainly is the windiest day we ever did have. Woo, it certainly is windy!
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Dr. Hackenbush : [as Col. Hawkins] And, eh, I hope, sir, that that's the information that you require.
Whitmore : I'm sorry, Colonel, I didn't hear it. I was called to the dictograph.
Dr. Hackenbush : What was that you said, sir?
Whitmore : [raises his voice] I was called to the dictograph!
Dr. Hackenbush : [Hackenbush pushes the dictograph button, and speaks to Whitmore in his normal voice] Whitmore, one more yelp out of you, and I'll have you bounced out of here!
Dr. Hackenbush : [as Col. Hawkins] And I trust, sir, that that answers your question.
Whitmore : I'm terribly sorry, Colonel, I didn't hear you.
Dr. Hackenbush : [as Col. Hawkins] I can't hear you, you'll have to talk a little louder.
Whitmore : I want to find out something about Hackenbush!
[Whitmore is called to the dictograph]
Whitmore : Well, what is it now?
Dr. Hackenbush : [in his own voice] Whitmore, that's the last time I'm going to warn you about that yowling!
Dr. Hackenbush : [as Col. Hawkins] And, in conclusion, let me say...
Whitmore : I'm sorry, Colonel, what was that you said about Hackenbush?
Dr. Hackenbush : Hacken - you mean Dr. Hackenbush? Oh no, he's not here.
Whitmore : [testily] I know he's not there, he's here!
Dr. Hackenbush : Then what are you bothering me for, Yankee?
Whitmore : But I want to know something about his Florida record.
Dr. Hackenbush : [as the operator] Here's your Florida call, Mr. Whitmore.
Whitmore : Operator, will you get off the line? Hello, Colonel.
Dr. Hackenbush : [as Col. Hawkins] Yes?
Whitmore : Are you sure you're speaking of Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush?
Dr. Hackenbush : Who?
Whitmore : Hugo Z. Hackenbush!
Dr. Hackenbush : Who's calling him?
Whitmore : The Standish Sanitarium.
Dr. Hackenbush : Yeah, that's where he works. Yeah, I understand he's doing a mighty fine job up there!
Whitmore : I... I want to get some information regarding his qualifications for the job.
Dr. Hackenbush : What job?
Whitmore : As head of the sanitarium!
Dr. Hackenbush : Who?
Whitmore : Hackenbush!
[Hackenbush buzzes the dictaphone]
Dr. Hackenbush : [as Hackenbush] Whitmore, are you calling me?
Whitmore : No, you sap! Hello?
[goes back to the phone]
Dr. Hackenbush : [as Col. Hawkins] Yes, now, what was that name?
Whitmore : Hackenbush. Hackenbush!
Dr. Hackenbush : Uh-huh, well, as soon he comes in, I'll have him get in touch with you.
Whitmore : Bah!
[Whitmore hangs up in frustration]
