Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Maybe it'd stop you trying to be so desperate about making more money than you can ever use? You can't take it with you, Mr. Kirby. So what good is it? As near as I can see, the only thing you can take with you is the love of your friends.

[last lines]

Grandpa Martin Vanderhof: [offering grace] Quiet, please, quiet! Well, sir, here we are again. We've had quite a time of it lately, but it seems that the worst of it is over. Course, the fireworks all blew up, but we can't very well blame that on you. Anyway, everything's turned out fine, as it usually does. Alice is going to marry Tony; Mr. Kirby, who's turned out to be a very good egg, sold us back our house - he'll probably forget all about big deals for a while. Nobody on our block has to move; and, with the right handling, I think we can even thaw out Mrs. Kirby here. We've all got our health; as far as anything else is concerned, we still leave that up to you. Thank you. Bring it on, Reba!

Grandpa Martin Vanderhof: Lincoln said, "With malice toward none, with charity to all." Nowadays they say, "Think the way I do or I'll bomb the daylights outta you."

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Penny, why don't you write a play about Ism-Mania?

Penny Sycamore: Ism-Mania?

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Yeah, sure, you know, Communism, Fascism, Voodooism, everybody's got an -ism these days.

Penny Sycamore: Oh


Penny Sycamore: I thought it was an itch or something.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Well, it's just as catching. When things go a little bad nowadays, you go out, get yourself an -ism and you're in business.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: [offering grace] Well, Sir, here we are again. We've been getting along pretty good for quite a while now - we're certainly much obliged. Remember all we ask is just to go along the way we are, keep our health; as far as anything else is concerned, we leave that up to you. Thank you.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: You're an idiot, Mr. Kirby.

Anthony P. Kirby: What?

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: A stupid idiot.

Anthony P. Kirby: You can't talk to me like that.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Oh, yes I can. Scum, are we? What makes you think you're such a superior human being? Your money? If you do, you're a dull-witted fool, Mr. Kirby. And a poor one at that. You're poorer than any of these people you call scum, because I'll guarantee at least they've got some friends. While you with your jungle and your long claws, as you call 'em, you'll wind up your miserable existence without anything you can call friend. You may be a high mogul to yourself, Mr. Kirby, but to me you're a failure - failure as a man, failure as a human being, even a failure as a father. When your time comes, I doubt if a single tear will be shed over you. The world will probably cry, "Good riddance." That's a nice prospect, Mr. Kirby. I hope you'll enjoy it. I hope you'll get some comfort out of all this coin you've been sweating over then!

Donald: I ain't done nothin', but I'm sure tired.

Rheba: Yeah you always tired, for once, you was born tired. Here, take this. You just in time enough to set the table.

Donald: I don't see why I gotta do your work just because we engaged.

Tony Kirby: I can feel a scream coming on right now... it's up here, in my throat! It's fighting to get out!

Alice Sycamore: No, please, don't scream!

[she screams]

Henry - the Head Waiter: [comes over] What happened?

Tony Kirby: What happened? Well, there was a mouse!

Henry - the Head Waiter: A mouse in this place?

Tony Kirby: What do you mean, 'mouse'? It was a rat, *this* long, and it had hair on it! And there were six or seven of them!

Boris Kolenkhov: I feel so good, life is running around inside of me like a squirrel!

Alice Sycamore: Well Mr. Moody, what're you thinking about?

Tony Kirby: Me? Eh... That family of yours - boy, they knocked me for a loop. I don't know, it just seems like in their own way, they found what everybody's looking for. People spend their whole lives building castles in the air and then nothing ever comes of it. I wonder why that is? Well, it takes courage. Everybody's afraid to live.

Alice Sycamore: You ought to hear Grandpa on that subject. You know, he says most people nowadays are run by fear; Fear of what they eat, fear of what they drink, fear of their jobs, their future, fear of their health. They're scared to save money and scared to spend it. You know what his pet aversion is? The people who commercialize on fear: you know they scare you to death so they can sell you something you don't need. So, he kinda taught all of not to be afraid of anything, but do what we want to do. Well, it's kinda fun, anyway.

Tony Kirby: Yeah, well that's it. Well that takes courage, especially that 'do what you want to do' department.

Tony Kirby: You're so beautiful. Like, sometimes you're so beautiful it just gags me. Maybe you're not real? Maybe you're a phantom or something? I-I keep expecting you to vanish.

Tony Kirby: You know, every time I think about how lucky I am, I feel like screaming.

Poppins: The die is cast. I'm a lily!

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Have some popcorn.

Essie Carmichael: I'll get in my dancing clothes and be right down.

Boris Kolenkhov: Aw, my pavlova, you are like a beautiful swan.

[Essie exits]

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Is she making any progress, Kolenkhov?

Boris Kolenkhov: Confidentially, she stinks.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: As long as she's having fun.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: How would you like to come over to our house and work on your gadgets?

Poppins: Your house? Well I don't know, thank you.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Oh go on, you'll love it. Everybody over at our place does just what he wants to do.

Poppins: Really?

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Mmm-hmmmm.

Poppins: That must be wonderful. But how would I live?

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: The same way we do.

Poppins: The same way? Well who takes care of you?

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: The same One that takes care of the lilies of the field, Mr. Poppins, except that we toil a little, spin a little, have a barrel of fun. If you want to, come on over and become a lily too.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: If it's illegal to manufacture fireworks without a permit, then I guess we're guilty of that too, because we've been doing it a long time.

Penny Sycamore: I don't feel guilty, do you, Essie?

Essie Carmichael: No.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Do you have any Russian stamps for me?

Boris Kolenkhov: No, nobody writes to me anymore. They are all dead.

Alice Sycamore: It's for you.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Why bless my soul, a new harmonica.

Alice Sycamore: I got it for you for your birthday.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: How do you know when my birthday is? Even I don't know.

Alice Sycamore: Anytime I get an impulse to get you something, that's your birthday.

Lord Melville: Miss Sycamore, have you a family tree?

Tony Kirby: My dear sir, don't you know that a Sycamore *is* a tree?

Wilbur G. Henderson, IRS Agent: Now, Mr. Vanderhoff, that's a very serious thing, not filing an income tax return.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Now, suppose I do pay you this money; mind you, I don't say that I'm going to, but, just for the sake of argument; what's the government going to do with it?

Wilbur G. Henderson, IRS Agent: What do you mean?

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Well, what do I get for my money? For instance, if I go into a department store and buy something, why, there it is! I can see it. Well, what are they gonna give me?

Wilbur G. Henderson, IRS Agent: Why the government gives you everything! It protects you!

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: From what?

Wilbur G. Henderson, IRS Agent: Well, invasion! How do you think the government's gonna keep up the army and navy with all those battleships?

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Battleships? The last time we used battleships was in the Spanish-American War. And what did we get out of that? Cuba - and we gave that back. Why, I wouldn't mind paying for something sensible.

Wilbur G. Henderson, IRS Agent: Something sensible? What about Congress and the Supreme Court and the President? We gotta pay them, don't we?

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Not with my money! No, sir.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Don't pay any attention to Mr. Kolenkhov. He's Russian and the Russians are inclined to look on the dark side.

Alice Sycamore: [In a jail cell] Mrs. Kirby, please believe me, I'm so sorry to have gotten you involved in all this trouble.

Mrs. Anthony P. Kirby: I'll appreciate it, if you'll leave me strictly alone.

Jailed Prostitute: Don't let it get you, sister. They're gettin' tougher everywhere. Say, where you been operatin'? You got class. That's the kind of connection I'm lookin' for.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: If you'll excuse me, Mr. Kirby, I don't believe anyone has the right to interfere with young people in love.

Alice Sycamore: [to the Kirby family] The next time you want to go slumming, stay away from our neighborhood!

Mrs. Anthony P. Kirby: [to Alice] If you had any sense, young woman, you'd stay where you belong and stop being ambitious.

Essie Carmichael: Shall I sock her, Alice?

Tony Kirby: [phone rings. Tony won't let go of Alice's hands] You know, every once in a while I get a very strange sensation - I seem to hear *ringing* in my ears.

Alice Sycamore: Me too. I thought for a moment it was the telephone.

Tony Kirby: Yeah. I hear voices, too. Voices that say, 'if you don't kiss her soon, you're a chump.'

Alice Sycamore: You know, uh, if I were really clever, I could answer the phone without the use of my hands.

Tony Kirby: Saw it done in a circus once.

Tony Kirby: [Alice picks up receiver with her teeth] Hey, wonderful, you'd be a sensation on the trapeze!

Bill Hughes: What happened? You were allright last time I saw you.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: One of my granddaughters dared me to slide down the banister.

John Blakely: Too bad, is it serious?

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: No, just a sprain or something. The thing I like most about it is the crutches, I've been wanting to walk on them ever since I was a kid. Haven't you?

Penny Sycamore: Were you ever in a monestery, Mr. Poppins?

Poppins: In a monastery?

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: What's the matter, Penny, stuck?

Penny Sycamore: Yes, I've sort of got myself in the monastery and I can't get out.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: It'll come to you, remember how you got out of that jail.

Neighbor: [everyone converges around Grandpa as he arrives in the neighborhood] Did you hear about it, Grandpa? We maybe all have to move.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Who said so?

Maggie O'Neill: Well everybody's talking about it, somebody's buying up everything.

Neighbor: I hear they're buying it up for a big factory or something.

Schmidt: My landlord told me he wouldn't have sold only they offered him so much money.

Neighbor: Nobody wants to move, Grandpa, you know that.

Neighbor: And we just put up some shelves, cost $60.

Neighbor: I've been here for 20 years.

Mrs. Schmidt: I think we should see somebody.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Now wait just a minute, don't get excited. We've all been neighbors for a long time, I know that. But if they're buying this property up for a factory, they'll need every foot of ground, won't they?

Neighbor: I guess so.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Well now suppose I won't sell them my place, what're they going to do?

Neighbor: That's right, you own your place.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Sure I do.

Neighbor: And they're going to need it too, won't they?

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: You bet they will, and it'll take more than money to make me sell my property. Now go on, get back to work and stop cluttering up the street - we'll all be arrested.

[everyone laughs and leaves]

Poppins: Why shouldn't Ed print up something about the fireworks and put them in the candy boxes? That would advertise the Revolution, wouldn't it?

Paul Sycamore: Say..."Watch for the Revolution, it's coming soon!" How's that?

Ed Carmichael: "Watch for the Revolution, it's coming soon"? Now I can use my big type.

DePinna: We've got plenty of these red flags, you can write about that.

Ed Carmichael: "The Red Flag will sweep the country, get your Red Flags from Sycamore!"

Rheba: Grandpa go to the graduation exercises today?

Essie Carmichael: Guess so.

Rheba: I wonder how many people Grandpa's going to bring home for dinner tonight.

Essie Carmichael: I don't know, it all depends if he goes walking in a park.

Rheba: Well let him bring them, I'll be ready for them.

Tony Kirby: You know, there never was anything in my life that I couldn't get if I didn't scream loud enough.

Alice Sycamore: Really?

Tony Kirby: Yeah, and I've had plenty of practice with it since I was a baby. I'm pretty terrific at it now. Here, let me show you a little example.

[he screams, and the office boy opens the door]

Tony Kirby: [he screams again, and the office boy leaves]

[both laugh]

Alice Sycamore: We're going to the Monte Carlo ballet!

Boris Kolenkhov: ...The Monte Carlo ballet? It stinks!

Tony Kirby: We can't just pop out of the building with no place to go. Very bad idea that, you know. I know two people that did that once - they went out of the building, they were uncertain, so they just walked and walked and walked and finally they just died... of hunger. Now you wouldn't want anything like that to happen... because if, if that happened... you're so beautiful.

Donald: There's only one thing worryin' me - has they got Relief up there?

Rheba: Sure they is. They got Relief everywhere, now.

Donald: They do? Well, let's get on up there, then.

Mrs. Anthony P. Kirby: Anthony, we've got to do something about this girl!

Anthony P. Kirby: Alright, I'll fire her.

Mrs. Anthony P. Kirby: This isn't a business deal! You can't settle anything by firing this girl.

Anthony P. Kirby: Alright, then, I won't fire her.

Wilbur G. Henderson, IRS Agent: Who's gonna pay for all those buildings down in Washington? And interstate commerce? And the Constitution?

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: The Constitution's been paid for years ago. And as for interstate commerce, what is interstate commerce anyway?

Wilbur G. Henderson, IRS Agent: There are 48 states. See. And if it weren't for interstate commerce nothing could go from one state to another. See?

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Well, why not, have they got fences?

Rheba: Gee, Mr. Kolenkhov, isn't it exciting?

Boris Kolenkhov: Exciting? With you moving and the Grand Duchess out of a job? Ver do I eat?

Mrs. Anthony P. Kirby: Mr. Kirby should have told you: he suffers from indigestion.

Anthony P. Kirby: Now, now, Miriam, it isn't as serious as all that.

Boris Kolenkhov: Perhaps it is not indigestion. Perhaps it is stomach *ulcers!*

Anthony P. Kirby: [looks at Kolenkhov with obvious indignation] Ulcers?

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Don't pay any attention to Mr. Kolenkhov. He's Russian, and the Russians are inclined to look on the dark side.

Boris Kolenkhov: All right, I'm Russian! A friend of mine - a Russian - *died* from stomach ulcers!

Alice Sycamore: Now Mr. Kolenkhov, Mr. Kirby has indigestion, and that's all.

Boris Kolenkhov: Alright fine, let him wait!

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Oh, please folks, let's not discuss Mr. Kirby's ulcers.

Anthony P. Kirby: Say Tony, do you realize there won't be a bullet, gun, or cannon made in this country without us?

Tony Kirby: Dad, now don't tell me you've forgotten the slingshot market.

[makes slingshot motion/gesture, playfully pats his dad on the shoulder twice, and exits the room]

Anthony P. Kirby: Hehehehehehehehehehe!

[laughs heartily before answering a phone call]

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Listen, when I was courting your grandmother, it took me two years to propose. You know why? The moment she'd walk into a room my knees would buckle; the blood would rush up into my head and the walls would start to dance. Twice I keeled over in a dead faint.

Alice Sycamore: [laughing] Why, Grandpa.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Yeh. She finally dragged it outta me when I was in bed with a one hundred and four fever and in a state of hysteria. The moment she accepted, the fever went down to normal and I hopped outta bed.

[Alice smiles and chuckles]

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Oh, the case was written up in all the medical journals as the phenomenon of the times.


Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Nothing phenomenal about it - I just had it bad, that's all; and I never got over it either, no sir. Right up to the very last she couldn't walk into a room without my heart going 'thump, thump, thump.'

Alice Sycamore: [hugs him] Aw, you darling. Oh, I wish I'd known her. What was she like?

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Well, look in there.

[points to a dresser behind him]

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: This was her room too. Did you ever notice a peculiar fragrance in here?

Alice Sycamore: Yes, but I never knew what it was.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: That's her. It's never left here; she hasn't either. I can still hear the tinkle of her thin little voice and see her eyes laughing. That's the reason I've lived in this house so many years and could never move out: it'd be like moving out on grandma.

Penny Sycamore: [cheerfully answering the door] How do you do, Mr. Kirby? Come right in.

Tony Kirby: Thank you.

Penny Sycamore: We've been expecting you... you are Mr. Kirby, aren't you?

[asks due to prior mixup with Mr. Henderson]

Tony Kirby: Yes.

Penny Sycamore: Well, thank heaven. Here he is! This is *really* Mr. Kirby.

Tony Kirby: [in the car on the way to the opera] I was just thinking about that family of yours. Living with them must be like living in a world of Walt Disney. Everybody does just as he pleases, doesn't he?

Alice Sycamore: Yes. Grandpa started it. He just suddenly left business one day. He started up in the elevator and turned around and came right down again and never went back. He could've been a rich man, but said he wasn't having any fun.

Tony Kirby: Oh that's wonderful.

Alice Sycamore: Then he started collecting stamps, because that's what he liked best. You know, he gets paid just to appraise collections. He's an expert.

Tony Kirby: That's marvelous.

Alice Sycamore: And my dad; he, he makes fireworks because, well, because he never grew up I guess. And mother, do you know why mother writes plays?

Tony Kirby: Well, she probably likes literature and good books and...

Alice Sycamore: [chuckles] Huh, nope. Because eight years ago a typewriter was delivered to the house by mistake.

Tony Kirby: Oh, no, but eh... If it'd been a plow, she'd have taken up farming, huh?

Alice Sycamore: I'm sure of it, if she'd liked it.

[they smile and chuckle as the scene fades out]

Tony Kirby: There's a tiny little engine in the green of this grass and in the green of the trees that has the mysterious gift of being able to take energy from the rays of the sun and store it up. You see that that's how the heat and power in coal and oil and wood is stored up. Well, we thought if we could find the secret of all those millions of little engines in this green stuff, we could, we could make big ones! And then we could take all the power we could ever need, right from the sun's rays.

Penny Sycamore: Donald, were you ever in a monastery?

Donald: No, I don't go no place much. I'm on relief.

Wilbur G. Henderson, IRS Agent: [to Martin] Our records show you owe back income tax for 14 years.

Ed Carmichael: Hey wait a minute, mister, that's too far back, that's outlawed ain't it?

Wilbur G. Henderson, IRS Agent: What's your name?

Ed Carmichael: What difference does that make?

Wilbur G. Henderson, IRS Agent: You ever file a tax return?

Ed Carmichael: No sir.

Wilbur G. Henderson, IRS Agent: What was your income last year?

Ed Carmichael: I don't know, about $50, wasn't it, Essie?

Essie Carmichael: I don't know.

Rheba: Why don't you go back to writing your war play, Mrs. Sycamore? I like that one best.

Penny Sycamore: Really, Rheba? Well maybe I will.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Right up to the very last, she couldn't walk into a room without my heart going thump, thump, thump.

Anthony P. Kirby: Mr. Vanderhoff, you once told me I was a failure as a father.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Oh, I didn't mean that.

Anthony P. Kirby: I know, but I am.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Do you like this?

Poppins: Like it?

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: This work that you're doing?

Poppins: Oh, no, my goodness, no. Land sakes, what am I saying.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Then, why do you do it?

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Well, I better be going or I'll be late. Look out for that twitch, Mr. Blakely.

Ed Carmichael: Whatcha say there, Donald, boy?

[Throws Donald a book]

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Americanism. Let 'em know something about Americans: John Paul Jones, Patrick Henry, Samuel Adams, Washington, Jefferson, Monroe, Lincoln, Grant, Lee, Edison, Mark Twain. When things got tough for those boys, they didn't run around looking for -isms.

Anthony P. Kirby: The girl's a Stenographer. Boys like Tony don't marry Stenographers!

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Incidentally, what's his name?

Alice Sycamore: Eh, Tony Kirby.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Not the son of - the Kirby?

Alice Sycamore: Yes.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: [whistles] Pretty snooty outfit aren't they?

DePinna: Didn't I read something about your father? He was indicted or something, wasn't he?

Tony Kirby: Oh-oh, no. He just testified before the Securities Commission.

DePinna: Oh, I thought the cops had got him?

Boris Kolenkhov: Grandpa, I'm in time for dinner, no?

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: You're in time for dinner, yes!

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: [offering grace] Quiet, please, quiet! Well, sir, here we are again. We've been getting on pretty good for quite awhile now. We're certainly much obliged. Looks like Alice is going to be married and I think she'll be very happy. We just met the boy you sent her and he looks fine. Remember, all we ask is just to go along the way we are and keep our health; as far as anything else is concerned, we leave that up to you. Thank you.

Alice Sycamore: Don't ask me to go over there because I won't go.

Tony Kirby: No, no, no, Alice. I want you to meet a four-star blue blood. Come on. Come.

Boris Kolenkhov: What is that?

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: That's a picture of Mr. DiPinna. Penny painted it.

Boris Kolenkhov: It stinks!

Donald: Forgot the mustard!

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: This seems very high handed. What's it all about?

Chief Detective: Police Department.

Penny Sycamore: Oh, a J-man!

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: G-men, Penny.

Donald: [Walking into a crowded jail cell] Home again!

Boris Kolenkhov: A lot like Siberia, only it stinks!

DePinna: It was fun being fingerprinted, wasn't it?

Ed Carmichael: Mr. Kirby didn't think so. It took three men to hold him down.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Never a dull moment, that's what I say. Never a dull moment.

Anthony P. Kirby: I can walk alone. I've never heard of anything so outrageous in all my life! Stop pushing me around like this! You fool, I'm Anthony P. Kirby. Do you hear that?

Guard: Okay, pal, I'm George Washington.

Jailed Prostitute: [In a jail cell] Why don't you come down off your high horse, babe. I might be able to do you some good.

Mrs. Anthony P. Kirby: If you don't mind, I don't need anyone to do me good.

Jailed Prostitute: You never can tell, Sugar Plum.

Anthony P. Kirby: I got you to thank for this. I hope it will teach you a lesson. Fooling around with Stenographers!

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: What if all your deals fall through? It might be a good thing for you.

Anthony P. Kirby: Man, you're crazy.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Well, maybe I am. I used to be just like you. Then, one morning when I was going up the elevator, it struck me I wasn't having any fun. So, I came right down and never went back. Yes sir. That was 35 years ago.

Anthony P. Kirby: Admirable. You haven't done a thing since, huh?

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Oh, yes, yes, yes. Just the things I wanted to do. I collected stamps. Went to the zoo when I got the notion. Took up the harmonica. And even found time to notice when Spring came around.

Judge: You mean to tell me that A. P. Kirby's bein' held in the drunk tank? Well, well, well.

Judge: Mr. Vanderfhoff, you're a very lucky man to have so many friends.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: There's an unwritten law in our family against snitching!

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: The trouble with young squirts nowadays is they have no imagination.

Anthony P. Kirby: Look, you know about these things, I don't. I need your advice. I'd give a fortune...

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Ah-ah-ah-now, there you are, you've got to stop thinking in terms of fortune. You know what I do when I run smack into a crisis? Just take out my harmonica and I play on it until that crisis just fades away.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Everybody over at our place does just what he wants to do.

Poppins: Really? That must be wonderful. But how would I live?

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: The same way we do.

Poppins: The same way. Well, who takes care of you?

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: The same one that takes care of the lilies of the field, Mr. Poppins, except that we toy a little, spin a little, have a barrel of fun.

Alice Sycamore: I resent what you said about your brain. I think it's beautiful.

Tony Kirby: You do, huh?

Alice Sycamore: Mmmhm

Tony Kirby: I see. Yeah, that's probably the first thing you noticed about me that you liked - my colossal brain.

Alice Sycamore: Well, no. No, it was the back of your head.

Tony Kirby: The back of my head? I've got a big bump back there. Well, what happened when I turned around?

Alice Sycamore: Well, I figured I'd just have to get used to that.

Tony Kirby: Oh, you figured.

Alice Sycamore: And, you know, it might not take very long, but I just figured I'd...

Tony Kirby: just figured you'd just... well, I'm glad you 'figured.'

Alice Sycamore: [while being questioned on the phone by Rheba] Were you ever in a monastery?

Tony Kirby: No, but I'm the fella who got caught in a cave once.

Alice Sycamore: Haha, really? Whatever happened to you?

Tony Kirby: Well, the cave caved in and I haven't been heard from since.

[Alice laughs]

Tony Kirby: Hello dad.

Anthony P. Kirby: Oh hello Tony, how are you?

Tony Kirby: Good.

Anthony P. Kirby: How's your mother?

Tony Kirby: She's fine.

Anthony P. Kirby: Mm, that's good. I nearly sent for you; I thought you might like th-, like the White House.

Tony Kirby: Oh, I'm sorry you didn't.

Anthony P. Kirby: And how do you like being a vice president?

Tony Kirby: Eh, painless so far.

Anthony P. Kirby: Hah!

[to his business partners]

Anthony P. Kirby: He still talks as if he were having a tooth yanked.

[playfully whacks Tony in the stomach and then proceeds to his desk for a meeting]

Attorney to Kirby: What happened in Washington?

Attorney to Kirby: Yes, what'd you find out?

Attorney to Kirby: A.P., where do we stand?

Anthony P. Kirby: [as he approaches his desk] Uh, get me some bicarbonate soda.

Attorney to Kirby: How do we stand A.P.?

Anthony P. Kirby: Well gentlemen, there will be no interference from the powers that be.

Attorney to Kirby: There won't?

Attorney to Kirby: That's marvelous.

Attorney to Kirby: Are you sure?

Attorney to Kirby: What about the senator with the antitrust complex?

Anthony P. Kirby: [mostly to the previous attorney] I said there'd be no interference.

[to all of them while periodically shaking his finger during the rest of the dialogue]

Anthony P. Kirby: We're going ahead exactly as we planned. It'll be the largest individual monopoly in the world gentlemen, if we're smart; particularly now that Ramsey is lined up.

Attorney to Kirby: Ramsey too?

Attorney to Kirby: That's impossible.

Attorney to Kirby: No,

[shakes his head]

Attorney to Kirby: the administration would never stand for it.

Attorney to Kirby: Why, we'd control every title of war material.

Anthony P. Kirby: That's exactly it gentlemen. With the world going crazy, the next big move is munitions, and Kirby and Company are going to cash in on it.

Attorney to Kirby: Haha, it's unbelievable.

Attorney to Kirby: Why the war wouldn't be possible anyway without us.

[A.P. sits down and Tony yawns unmoved]

Attorney to Kirby: A.P., if I know Ramsey, he'll never let himself be absorbed by anybody.

Anthony P. Kirby: Oh he won't, eh?

Attorney to Kirby: No.

Anthony P. Kirby: Well we'll see if he will when I hand him a little surprise. I own every inch of the twelve blocks that completely surround the Ramsey factories.

Attorney to Kirby: No!

Attorney to Kirby: That's news to us.

Attorney to Kirby: Well, we certainly didn't know anything about *that*.

Anthony P. Kirby: So, huh, how is he going to fulfill his contracts without us? Now you'd better get busy. Complete all your negotiations with the others. I'll handle Ramsey myself.

Attorney to Kirby: Yes sir.

Attorney to Kirby: We'll hop right to it.

[the attorneys excitedly disperse and exit the room as Tony still looks unenthused]

Attorney to Kirby: I have a meeting with my net-rate group later this afternoon.

Attorney to Kirby: Oh good.

Anthony P. Kirby: [his secretary hands him a glass of bicarbonate soda] Ten thousand a year for doctors and I'm still taking this stuff.

[reluctantly takes a drink]

Tony Kirby: I remember in college another guy and I had an idea to... mind if I talk about myself?

Alice Sycamore: [smiles] If you don't, I will.

Tony Kirby: Well, this other guy and I had this idea.

[picks up a blade of grass and observes it while talking]

Tony Kirby: We, we wanted to find out what made the grass grow green.

[Alice smirks]

Tony Kirby: Well that sounds silly and everything, but it's the biggest research problem in the world today, and I'll tell you why: because, there's a tiny little engine in the green of this grass and in the green of the trees that has the mysterious gift of being able to take energy from the rays of the sun and store it up. You see that that's how the heat and power in coal and oil and wood is stored up. Well, we thought if, if we could find the secret of all those millions of little engines in this green stuff, we could, we could make big ones! And then we could take all the power we could ever need right from the sun's rays. You see?

Alice Sycamore: Well that's wonderful, I never knew that.

Tony Kirby: Yeah, yeah. We worked on it and we worked and... day and night; we got so excited about it we forgot to sleep. If, if we'd make just one little discovery, well we'd just walk on air for days.

Alice Sycamore: And, then what?

Tony Kirby: [starts to look disheartened] Well, then we left school... now he's selling automobiles, and I'm in some strange thing called banking. I saw him a couple weeks ago. Poor guy - Bob Smith's his name - got all excited again and wanted to talk about anything else.

Alice Sycamore: And?

Tony Kirby: Well, he's married; wife just had a baby. He didn't think it was fair to gamble with the future. Anyway, that's his excuse for lack of courage.

[acknowledges Alice's forlorn expression]

Tony Kirby: Yeah, it's sad. And what's my excuse, huh? Well, the Kirby's have been bankers for nine-thousand years, or something. That line just can't be broken, and that's been pounded into my head until I've had softening of the brain.

[tosses down the blade of grass]

Tony Kirby: That's my excuse.

Alice Sycamore: Tony that's kind of silly, you're pretty young to... besides I resent what you said about your brain - I think it's beautiful.

Tony Kirby: You do, huh?

Alice Sycamore: Mmhmm.

Penny Sycamore: Um, eh, have you any hobbies Mrs. Kirby?

Mrs. Anthony P. Kirby: Well uh, as a matter of fact I have. I'm a student of Occultism.

Penny Sycamore: What's that?

Paul Sycamore: That's spiritualism dear.

Penny Sycamore: Spiritualism? Oh why Mrs. Kirby, I'm surprised. Why, everyone knows spiritualism is a fake.

Mrs. Anthony P. Kirby: I beg your pardon?

Paul Sycamore: Now Penny, you mustn't criticize other people's hobbies. You've got one or two of your own you know.

Penny Sycamore: [happily] Yes, but not silly ones!

[Mrs. Kirby looks very offended, Penny grabs her mouth upon realizing that she inadvertantly and accidentally made small of her, and Mr. Kirby agreeably smirks and silently relishes in the fun made at his wife's expense]

Boris Kolenkhov: The perfect hobby should improve the body as well as the mind. The Romans were great people. Why? What was their hobby? Wrestling. In wrestling you must think quick with the mind and act quick with the body.

Anthony P. Kirby: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, I-I agree with you. When I was young I was pretty good at it myself. Unfortunately as one grows older...

Boris Kolenkhov: Foolishness! Once a wrestler, you will never forget. I have not done it in six years, but I forget niet! Look:

[suddenly causes a minor scene by picking up Mr. Kirby over his shoulders in a wrestling move, spinning him around, and throwing him down on the floor while everyone scrambles to their feet in shock/confusion/assistance/etc]

Alice Sycamore: Sit down Mr. Kirby.

[while brushing him off]

Anthony P. Kirby: My glasses, where are my glasses?

Penny Sycamore: Here they are. Oh Mr. Kirby, they're broken.

Boris Kolenkhov: I am sorry, but when you wrestle again Mr. Kirby, you will of course not wear your glasses.

Anthony P. Kirby: [frustrated] I do not *intend* to wrestle again.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhof: That was very silly Kolenkhov, I'm sorry you did that. I'm sorry Mr. Kirby.

[first lines]

Doorman: [opening the car door for Kirby] Good morning, Mr. Kirby.

Anthony P. Kirby: Good morning.