You Can't Cheat an Honest Man (1939)

W.C. Fields: Larson E. Whipsnade

Photos 

Quotes 

• Whipsnade : You kids are disgusting! Staggering around here all day, reeking of popcorn and lollipops.

• Whipsnade : [sings in shower]  I'd rather have two girls / At twenty-one each / Than one girl at forty-two!

• Whipsnade : As my dear old grandfather Litvak said (just before they swung the trap), he said "You can't cheat an honest man. Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump."

• Whipsnade : This way, ladies and gentlemen, this way. Right up on this platform. The world's greatest novelty. The Pronkwonk Twins! Elwood and Brentwood. Elwood is ten minutes older than Brentwood and has been in a hurry ever since. Ladies and gentlemen, Brentwood is the smallest giant in the world, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science.

• Whipsnade : [to Charlie]  You must come down with me - after the show - to the lumberyard... and ride piggyback on the buzzsaw.

• Charlie McCarthy : Nobody's going to find me after the show.

  Whipsnade : Yes they are. You'll be hanging in my window as a Venetian blind.

  Charlie McCarthy : That makes me shutter.

  Whipsnade : Quiet or I'll throw a woodpecker on you.

• Whipsnade : I'm taking on the personality of a Mexican jumping bean. First the contortionist gets rheumatism. Then the sword-swallower gets tonsilitis. Hope nothing happens to that fan dancer... till I get rid of this cold, anyway.

• Man : There's been a mistake in my change.

  Whipsnade : Ah, at long last, an honest man. Want to return some money?

  Man : No, I'm short!

  Whipsnade : Don't brag about it. I'm only five-feet-eight myself.

• Whipsnade : [to Charlie]  I shall send over a couple of pet beavers to romp with you.

• Burr : Would you like to make a few honest dollars for yourself?

  Whipsnade : Do they have to be honest?

• Whipsnade : [to Charlie]  Quiet you termites flop house.

• Rochester : Mr. Waxnewt?

  Whipsnade : Waxnewt? It's Windshade! Eh...

  Rochester : Whipsnade.

  Whipsnade : Whipsnade, yes.

  Rochester : Yes, Whipsnade.

• Whipsnade : Good afternoon, Charles, my night blooming jasmine. my nostrils quiver at your pointed aroma.

  Charlie McCarthy : Oh, thank you. That's quite a compliment - considering the size of his nose.

• Mr. Archibald Bel-Goodie : You absent yourself from this house immediately! You pharisee... you pecksniff... you egregious tartuffle!

  Whipsnade : Tartuffle? Is that good or bad?

  Mr. Archibald Bel-Goodie : You're a fraud, a charlatan and a rogue, sir!

  Whipsnade : Oh, is that in my favor?

• Whipsnade : [to Roger]  Cease! Hold! Enough! Young man, if there is such a thing as a tartuffle, you are just that thing. One more peep out of you and I'll give you a sound trundling. A pummeling. A trounce... Unhand me woman! A trouncing. Tartuffle huh.

• Whipsnade : Never trust a ventriloquist or a barber.

• Whipsnade : You know, getting married is like buying a new horse... going into a strange saloon...

• Whipsnade : Wherever the people speak a civilized tongue, the name of Whipsnade is a household word!

• Mrs. Sludge : [to Phineas]  Does your father play ping pong?

  Whipsnade : Do I play ping pong?

  [laughs] 

  Whipsnade : I didn't get you the first time. I was one-time champion of the Tri-state league and the Lesser Antilles. Didn't know one card from the other when I started... but I stayed up at night marking with a pen.

• Whipsnade : What's going on here now? What's the idea?

  Chester Dalrymple : Well, I'm Col. Dalrymple's nephew, Chester. Your new assistant.

  Whipsnade : Well, that doesn't give you the right to kiss me, does it?

• Whipsnade : Don't telegraph, write!

• Western Union Man : Telegram for Larceny Whipsnake.

  Whipsnade : Eh, messenger boy. Thank you.

  Western Union Man : Larceny Whipsnake?

  Whipsnade : Give me that telegram! It's not Larceny, it's Larson E.; and it's not Whipsnake, it's Whipsnade.

  Western Union Man : Okay, Snake, how 'bout a tip?

  Whipsnade : I'll give you a tip - I'll part your hair with a wagon tongue.

• Rochester : Boss, it's time for your bath, sir.

  Whipsnade : How time flies! Seems only yesterday it was Monday.

• Whipsnade : Demon rum. My heart bleeds for those poor boys.

• Rochester : It's time for the side show, Mr. Ribsteak.

  Whipsnade : Ribsteak? You don't mean sirloin with onions, by any chance, do you? It's Whipsnade!

• Whipsnade : Won't that be duckie! Oh, that'll be wonderful!

• Burr : Hey, Whipsnade! Hey, are you Whipsnade?

  Whipsnade : Winestoop?

  Burr : No, no, no, Whipsnade. Whipsnade.

• Whipsnade : What were you doing talking to the unholy two over there?

  Victoria Whipsnade : Oh, I just stopped to catch their act. They're marvelous, Dad, really! Oh, you were fortunate in acquiring their services.

  Whipsnade : They'll be fortunate if we don't attend their services.

• Oliver : Mr. Whipsnade, why is a cat's tail like a long journey?

  Whipsnade : I don't know, Oliver. Why is a cat's tail like a long journey?

  Oliver : Because it's fur to the end.

• Whipsnade : Victoria, dear, some weasel took the cork out of my lunch. And a wombat and spills it all over the place. I was fit to be tied!

• Whipsnade : What a pity your dear mother isn't here to share this joy with us, dear. She's the first woman to ever wear jodhpurs with an evening basque. She carried a riding crop at the same time. She hit me over the head with it once - thought I was flirting with one of the girls in the showers. Nothing to it, though.

• Phineas Whipsnade : Now, look, you know these people are society people.

  Whipsnade : I know, the creme de la creme. Yeah, they have what they call noblesse oblige. We have acrobats with our circus too.

• Whipsnade : [Repeated line]  Yes, that was Lake Titicaca, I had a wonderful experience with a rattlesnake...

• Whipsnade : Gangway, gangway, gangway. Let me handle this situation. I'm sorry I distressed you, honey...

  Mrs. Bel-Goodie : Honey?

  Whipsnade : - with that little story. Why, some of my best friends are snakes.

  Mrs. Bel-Goodie : Awwwwww!