Abe Lincoln: [cross-examining Cass] J. Palmer Cass.

John Palmer Cass: Yes, sir.

Abe Lincoln: What's the "J" stand for?

John Palmer Cass: John.

Abe Lincoln: Anyone ever call you Jack?

John Palmer Cass: Yeah, but...

Abe Lincoln: Why "J. Palmer Cass?" Why not "John P. Cass?"

John Palmer Cass: Well, I...

Abe Lincoln: Does "J. Palmer Cass" have something to hide?

John Palmer Cass: No.

Abe Lincoln: Then what do you part your name in the middle for?

John Palmer Cass: I got a right to call myself anything I want as long as it's my own name!

Abe Lincoln: Well then if it's all the same to you, I'll call you Jack-ass.

[Roar of laughter from spectators]

[Lincoln and Felder are picking jurors for the trial of Matt and Adam Clay]

Prosecutor John Felder: Mr. Lincoln should know that the mere fact that a prospective juror knows counsel for the state does not disqualify him.

Abe Lincoln: I know that, John. What I'm afraid of is that some of the jurors might NOT know you... and that'd put me at a great disadvantage.

[last lines]

Efe Turner: Ain't you goin' back, Abe?

Abe Lincoln: [as the "Battle Hymn of the Republic" begins playing softly in the background] No, I think I might go on a piece... maybe to the top of that hill.

Abe Lincoln: [questioning Cass about Scrub's death] What were you and Scrub arguing about?

John Palmer Cass: I'd rather not say.

Abe Lincoln: Oh, you'd rather not say. Well, Jack, I'd rather you did say.

John Palmer Cass: All right. We was arguin' about politics.

Abe Lincoln: Well, that's something new to argue about.

John Palmer Cass: I've learned some since, but I told Scrub I thought you had at least as much political sense in you as Stephen Douglas. Scrub got as mad as a wet hen and said you didn't!

Judge Herbert A. Bell: Jack-ass. Haha. I do got it!

[audience roars in laughter]

Abe Lincoln: We seem to lose our heads in times like this. We do things together that we'd be mighty ashamed to do by ourselves!

Abe Lincoln: [to John Felder] I may not know much of law Mr. Felder, but I know what's right and what's wrong. And I know what you're asking is wrong.

Abe Lincoln: By jing, that's all there is to it; Right and Wrong.

Judge Herbert A. Bell: Come, come, gentlemen. You've got to give the boys a fair trial - a jury trial - before ou hang 'em.

Prosecutor John Felder: I shall prove that they were under the influence of an alcoholic beverage at the time.

Sam Boone: Hic!

Abe Lincoln: [In the law office with feet up on desk, arbitrating a dispute] Now, it says here brother Hawthorne... that you owe brother Wooldridge fifty-five dollars and forty-seven cents board at the rate of a dollar and a half a week, you owe him ninety dollars for use of a team and wagon for eight months, besides one hundred dollars cash on a loan.

Woolridge: [triumphant] Yeah...

Hawthorne: [indignant] Well, I never said I didn't!

Abe Lincoln: [scratches head, speaks slowly and methodically] Well, I ain't no lightnin' calculator... but accordin' to my figurin'... you owe him two hundred and forty-five dollars and forty-seven cents. You're askin' two hundred and fifty dollars damages. Now, my idea is to split the difference of four dollars and fifty-three cents... which by a *strange* coincidence happens to be exactly the amount of my legal fee.

[stands, speaks faster]

Abe Lincoln: And the whole thing's settled! Well, what d'ya say?

Hawthorne: [defiant] I won't do it!

Woolridge: [defiant] Me either! I'll go to the law first!

Abe Lincoln: [strolls between Hawthorne and Wooldridge, puts hands in pockets] Gentlemen... did ya ever hear about the time in the Blackhawk war when I... butted two fella's heads together? And busted *both* of 'em?

[looks slowly from one man to the other]

Woolridge: [sheepishly] Eh... well uh, I'm willin' if he is.

[digs in pocket for money]

Hawthorne: [indignant] 'Tain't fair... but I'll do it just to be shut of him!

[digs in pouch for money]

Abe Lincoln: Thanks, gentlemen. Ahh, that's gonna save us all a heap'a legal trouble... and headaches.