Abe Lincoln: [cross-examining Cass] J. Palmer Cass.
John Palmer Cass: Yes, sir.
Abe Lincoln: What's the "J" stand for?
John Palmer Cass: John.
Abe Lincoln: Anyone ever call you Jack?
John Palmer Cass: Yeah, but...
Abe Lincoln: Why "J. Palmer Cass?" Why not "John P. Cass?"
John Palmer Cass: Well, I...
Abe Lincoln: Does "J. Palmer Cass" have something to hide?
John Palmer Cass: No.
Abe Lincoln: Then what do you part your name in the middle for?
John Palmer Cass: I got a right to call myself anything I want as long as it's my own name!
Abe Lincoln: Well then if it's all the same to you, I'll call you Jack-ass.
[Roar of laughter from spectators]
[Lincoln and Felder are picking jurors for the trial of Matt and Adam Clay]
Prosecutor John Felder: Mr. Lincoln should know that the mere fact that a prospective juror knows counsel for the state does not disqualify him.
Abe Lincoln: I know that, John. What I'm afraid of is that some of the jurors might NOT know you... and that'd put me at a great disadvantage.
Abe Lincoln: [questioning Cass about Scrub's death] What were you and Scrub arguing about?
John Palmer Cass: I'd rather not say.
Abe Lincoln: Oh, you'd rather not say. Well, Jack, I'd rather you did say.
John Palmer Cass: All right. We was arguin' about politics.
Abe Lincoln: Well, that's something new to argue about.
John Palmer Cass: I've learned some since, but I told Scrub I thought you had at least as much political sense in you as Stephen Douglas. Scrub got as mad as a wet hen and said you didn't!
Judge Herbert A. Bell: Jack-ass. Haha. I do got it!
[audience roars in laughter]
Abe Lincoln: We seem to lose our heads in times like this. We do things together that we'd be mighty ashamed to do by ourselves!
Abe Lincoln: [to John Felder] I may not know much of law Mr. Felder, but I know what's right and what's wrong. And I know what you're asking is wrong.
Abe Lincoln: By jing, that's all there is to it; Right and Wrong.
Judge Herbert A. Bell: Come, come, gentlemen. You've got to give the boys a fair trial - a jury trial - before ou hang 'em.
Abe Lincoln: [In the law office with feet up on desk, arbitrating a dispute] Now, it says here brother Hawthorne... that you owe brother Wooldridge fifty-five dollars and forty-seven cents board at the rate of a dollar and a half a week, you owe him ninety dollars for use of a team and wagon for eight months, besides one hundred dollars cash on a loan.
Woolridge: [triumphant] Yeah...
Hawthorne: [indignant] Well, I never said I didn't!
Abe Lincoln: [scratches head, speaks slowly and methodically] Well, I ain't no lightnin' calculator... but accordin' to my figurin'... you owe him two hundred and forty-five dollars and forty-seven cents. You're askin' two hundred and fifty dollars damages. Now, my idea is to split the difference of four dollars and fifty-three cents... which by a *strange* coincidence happens to be exactly the amount of my legal fee.
[stands, speaks faster]
Abe Lincoln: And the whole thing's settled! Well, what d'ya say?
Hawthorne: [defiant] I won't do it!
Woolridge: [defiant] Me either! I'll go to the law first!
Abe Lincoln: [strolls between Hawthorne and Wooldridge, puts hands in pockets] Gentlemen... did ya ever hear about the time in the Blackhawk war when I... butted two fella's heads together? And busted *both* of 'em?
[looks slowly from one man to the other]
Woolridge: [sheepishly] Eh... well uh, I'm willin' if he is.
[digs in pocket for money]
Hawthorne: [indignant] 'Tain't fair... but I'll do it just to be shut of him!
[digs in pouch for money]
Abe Lincoln: Thanks, gentlemen. Ahh, that's gonna save us all a heap'a legal trouble... and headaches.