S. Quentin Quale: Madam why is that baby constantly crying?

Mother on Stagecoach: He can't stand the jerks in the coach.

S. Quentin Quale: Lulubelle, it's you! I didn't recognize you standing up.

S. Quentin Quale: You love your brother, don't you?

Joseph Panello: No, but I'm used to him.

S. Quentin Quale: Time wounds all heels.

S. Quentin Quale: I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.

Red Baxter: I don't like your faces.

S. Quentin Quale: I suppose you think we like 'em.

[as Quale destroys Rusty's first hat]

Joseph Panello: Hey whataya do with that hat; that hat cost a lotta money.

S. Quentin Quale: How much did it cost him?

Joseph Panello: I dunno; he stole it.

S. Quentin Quale: There's only one law in the west: the law of blood and bullets. It's either shoot or be shot. What are we gonna do?

Joseph Panello: Sue 'em!

Joseph Panello: My father-a shot the Indians in eighteen forty-two

S. Quentin Quale: Oh, he should-a shot the stork-a, when the stork-a brought-a you.

S. Quentin Quale: [dramatically] Suppose I brought you to my country place at Drooling-on-the-Lapel? What- what would my people say?

Drunk in Saloon: Burp.

S. Quentin Quale: Well, they'd phrase it more delicately.

S. Quentin Quale: Where have I seen your face before?

Joseph Panello: Right where it is now.

S. Quentin Quale: [Obviously intoxicated, commenting on his glass having just been shot in half by Baxter] Less whiskey next time my glass can't take it.

Indian: White man talk too much. Make Chief heap mad.

S. Quentin Quale: White man, red man's friend. White man want to make friends with red brother.

Joseph Panello: And sister, too.

[Indicating a gag around the train engineer's mouth]

S. Quentin Quale: Didya know this is the best gag in the picture?

Joe Panello: Don't be afraid. If any trouble starts, we'll telephone for help.

S. Quentin Quale: Telephone? This is 1870. Don Ameche hasn't invented the telephone yet!

S. Quentin Quale: I'll sell Baxter the deed then if you can get your father's consent we'll get married if I can get my wife's consent.

[Arriving at the RR Station]

S. Quentin Quale: Any of you boys got change ah ten cents?

Porter: No.

S. Quentin Quale: Well, keep the baggage.

S. Quentin Quale: There's something corrupt going on around my pants, and I just can't seem to locate it.

S. Quentin Quale: I give you my solemn word as an embezzler, I'll be back in ten minutes.

S. Quentin Quale: You know there's a drunk sitting at the first table who looks exactly like you? And one who looks exactly like me. Dull, isn't it?

S. Quentin Quale: Didn't we meet at Monte Carlo the night you blew your brains out?

S. Quentin Quale: You must fan the flames of love with the bellows of indifference.

S. Quentin Quale: Are you insinuating that the white man is not the Indian's friend? Ha! Who swindled you out of Manhattan Island for 24 dollars?

Joseph Panello: White man.

S. Quentin Quale: Who turned you into wood and stood you in front of a cigar store?

Joseph Panello: White man.

S. Quentin Quale: Who put your head on a nickel and then took the nickel away?

Joseph Panello: Slot machine.

S. Quentin Quale: Members of the tribe - I rest my case.

S. Quentin Quale: Now, this is the kind of hat they're wearing this season. This is the 1870 model. It's what they call a pioneer's cap.

[Put's the Daniel Boone hat, backwards, on 'Rusty']

Joseph Panello: Isn't that tail supposed to be in the back.

S. Quentin Quale: Not on him. That's genuine beaver.

Joseph Panello: It's pretty.

S. Quentin Quale: No, now I'll stroke it. It's still my hat, you know. That'll be ten dollars.

Joseph Panello: Ten dollars you want for that old beaver?

S. Quentin Quale: I'm not in business for love, you know. I was in love once and I got the business.

S. Quentin Quale: This is the last hat of it's kind. The beaver's have stopped making them. They're all out playing football. Ten dollars.

Joseph Panello: Well, he's a poor boy. He'll give you a dollar. Will you take it?

S. Quentin Quale: Well, I'll take it but I'm only making a buck on it.

Dan Wilson: You got to take some security. And I ain't got no security except a deed to Dead Man's Gulch.

Joseph Panello: Oh, no, we no take-a your land.

Dan Wilson: Oh, I'd feel better if you took it. Don't reckon its worth ten dollars, though. A fellow named Turner sold it to me about 40 year ago. Got me for my last cent. If you boys meet up with any Turner in this territory, shoot first.

Joseph Panello: First we steal his gun, then we shoot.

Joseph Panello: Rusty, I no like-a the West. All-a the people do is kill each other. I like-a the West better if it was in the East. Let's get outta here.

Lulubelle: Where's my bustle? Where is it, anyway? Who has my bustle? Give me my bustle!

Joseph Panello: You said you was an embezzler, but, you no fool me. I knew you was a crook!

S. Quentin Quale: Let's go somewhere where we can be alone. Ah, there doesn't seem to be anyone on this couch.

S. Quentin Quale: Any resemblance between these two characters and living persons is purely accidental.

S. Quentin Quale: I'm not drunk, but, what's the ceiling doing on the floor?

Terry Turner: It takes a smart man to know when he's licked. But, maybe between the two of you, there's enough brains to figure it out.

S. Quentin Quale: He's so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth, he'd burn for three days.

Joseph Panello: See, you got the Chief mad! Let me talk to him.

S. Quentin Quale: Can you talk Indian?

Joseph Panello: I was born in Indianapolis!

S. Quentin Quale: Panello, this Indian is no Indian!

Joseph Panello: If he's no Indian, why is he wearin' a chicken for a hat?

S. Quentin Quale: Oh, stop it! Trying to pass yourself off as a red man. Why, you can't even speak the language. Let me hear you recite Hiawatha by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

Indian Chief: Ugh.

Joseph Panello: That's not it.

S. Quentin Quale: If it is, they've shortened it since I went to school. And you call yourself a red man.

S. Quentin Quale: What did he say?

Joseph Panello: He said, first they're going to give us a fair trial, then they kill us.

Indian Pete - Halfbreed: Chief like pale face who no talk. You pale face friend. Chief like you too.

S. Quentin Quale: Red man, you're a white man.

S. Quentin Quale: [to an Indian squaw] You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you.

S. Quentin Quale: [Noticing an attractive Indian girl has got Harpo all excited] She gave him the Indian sign.

S. Quentin Quale: [pulls out a necklace] How would you like a little necklace that formerly belonged to the Czarina of Russia?

Indian girl: No like. Me want Cadillac sedan.

S. Quentin Quale: *She's* been off the reservation...

[tosses necklace away]

S. Quentin Quale: [as Harpo and the Indian chief are having a completely unintelligible conversation] You know, it's stimulating when two giant intellects get together.

S. Quentin Quale: I'm promoting this deal, not financing it!

Beecher: How dare you, you meddlesome fool?

S. Quentin Quale: [Pulls back his jacket, ready to fight] I heard that! If you weren't smaller than me, I'd flog the daylights out of you!

Beecher: [Stands up, showing his height] But I'm bigger than you.

S. Quentin Quale: Well, that's another reason.

S. Quentin Quale: [Indicates to an Indian] Who's that?

Indian Pete - Halfbreed: Him medicine man.

S. Quentin Quale: That's a medicine man? Can you imagine taking a teaspoonful of HIM every 3 hours?