The Great Man: I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

Waitress: You're as funny as a cry for help.

His Niece: We're falling 2,000 feet!

The Great Man: It's all right, dear. Don't start worrying 'til we get down 1,999. The last foot is dangerous.

The Great Man: You're about to fall heir to a kitten's stocking.

Heckler: What's a kitten's stocking?

The Great Man: A sock on the puss.

His Niece: Why didn't you ever marry?

The Great Man: I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

The Great Man: [in the soda fountain] I feel as though somebody stepped on my tongue with muddy feet.

[to the camera]

The Great Man: This scene's supposed to be in a saloon but the censor cut it out. It'll play just as well this way.

Waitress: And another thing. Don't be so free with your hands.

The Great Man: Listen, honey. I was only trying to guess your weight. You take things too seriously.

Receptionist: You smoke vile cigars all day and drink whiskey half the night! Some day you'll drown in a vat of whiskey!

The Great Man: Drown in a vat of whiskey. Death, where is thy sting?

The Great Man: Do you want to grow up and be dumb like Zasu Pitts?

The Great Man: Oh, for a Maxwell parachute!

His Niece: What's a Maxwell parachute?

The Great Man: Good until the last drop, dear.

The Producer: This script is an insult to a man's intelligence. Even mine.

The Great Man: Suffering sciatica! Last time is was pink elephants.

Ouliotta Delight Hemogloben: Do you think he drinks?

Mrs. Hemogloben: He didn't get that nose from playing ping-pong.

Ouliotta Delight Hemogloben: Are you really a man?

The Great Man: Well, I've been called other things...

Ouliotta Delight Hemogloben: The only game I've ever played is bean-bag.

The Great Man: Bean-bag... ah, it's very good. Becomes very exciting at times. I saw the championship played in Paris; many people were killed.

The Great Man: [singing] The chickens they lay eggs in Kansas, Chickens they lay eggs in Kansas, The chickens lay eggs as big as mutton manes, The chickens they lay eggs in Kansas, The chickens have pretty legs in Kansas, The chickens have pretty legs in Kansas, That is real, not a joke...

The Great Man: How'd you like to hide the egg and gurgitate a few saucers of mocha java?

The Great Man: [Suffering from a hangover] Somebody put too many olives in my martini last night!

Stewardess: Should I get you a Bromo?

The Great Man: No, I couldn't stand the noise!

The Great Man: [Discussing his proposed script] In a circus scene you wear a beard.

The Producer's Wife, Mrs. Pangborn: I wear a beard?

The Great Man: Yeah, a small beard - a van dyke. Just a little... You know what a van dyke is, don't you?

The Producer's Wife, Mrs. Pangborn: I certainly do!

The Great Man: Ooh.

Waitress: [to the Great Man] You're as funny as a cry for help! You also pulled that old gag about breaking your fork in the gravy!

The Great Man: [Sitting at a luncheonette table] I don't know why I ever come in here. Flies get the best of everything!

Mrs. Hemogloben: Oh, you're so full of romance!

The Great Man: Every night, every night.

Huge Turk: I didn't sleep well last night.

The Great Man: You didn't, eh?

Huge Turk: I'm troubled with insomnia.

The Great Man: Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it.

Huge Turk: Yeah?

The Great Man: Get plenty of sleep.

Huge Turk: Sleep, unh?

The Great Man: That's what a doctor told me, heh, heh.

Waitress: You know, there's something awfully big about you.

The Great Man: Hunh-huh. Thank you, dear, thank you, dear, thaank...

Waitress: [Interrupting] Your nose!

Waitress: [after she turns her back to him, he stares at her derriere] Something awfully big about you too!

Motorcycle Cop: Where do you think you're going, to a fire?

The Great Man: Ah... Ah... maternity hospital.

Motorcycle Cop: Okay, Tomato-Puss, follow me.

His Niece: [as things turn into chaos, at Fields' instigation, shaking her head] My uncle Bill...

[then, resolute]

His Niece: But I still love him!

The Great Man: Have, uh, you any imported cigars?

Waitress: 'Stingeroos', four for a nickel.

The Great Man: Oh, that's fine. As long as they're imported.

[she holds out box of cigars, he takes four]

The Great Man: You know, if anybody ever comes in here and gives you a ten dollar tip... uh, scrutinize it carefully. There's a lot of that counterfeit money going around.

[she holds out her hand for the money for the cigars]

The Great Man: I'll give you the dough. Don't...

[puts a coin in her hand]

The Great Man: Here... there.

Waitress: If I get any counterfeit nickels or pennies, I'll know where they came from

[they're in the basket trying to figure out how to get it pulled up to the mountaintop - a rock falls on his head]

His Niece: Did it hurt you, uncle?

The Great Man: No... how could a rock dropping from a thousand feet hurt your head?

The Great Man: [to an Englishman who has a limp in his walk] Whatsa matter? Did you sprain your ankle?

Bitten Englishman: No, no, no. A dog bit, bit me.

The Great Man: Oh.

Bitten Englishman: Yeah, I was playing, uh, croquet and I, and I dropped my mallet. And, uh, a little dachshund ran straight out and uh, and, and grabbed me by the fetlock.

[Bending over to point to his ankle]

The Great Man: Oh.

[Looking BEHIND him in the bent-over position]

The Great Man: Rather fortunate it wasn't a Newfoundland dog that bit you.

Bitten Englishman: Uh, yes, rahther.

The Great Man: Yeah.

Bitten Englishman: I suppose so.

The Great Man: Godfrey Daniel!

His Niece: [Last Lines] My Uncle Bill. But I still love him.

The Great Man: Hi ya, Tootie-pie! Everything under control?

The Great Man: [paying his bill at the restaurant] What's the amount of the insult?

Waitress: It'll be 35 cents.

Waitress: You're so clever.

The Great Man: Who told you I was clever?

Waitress: Oh, all your friends at the studio told me.

The Great Man: Oh, drat! I told 'em not tell you.

Waitress: Well, baloney-mahooney-malarky! You big Kabloona!

The Great Man: Kabloona? I haven't been called that for two days.

Waitress: Aren't you a little confused?

The Great Man: Aw, in which way?

Waitress: Your hat.

The Great Man: Oh! Thanks a thousand times. Yes. I mistook it. Thank you.

The Great Man: [cleaning lady walks in with a push broom] Take that Groucho Marx outta here, please.

The Producer: If you don't mind, Mr. Fields. I'll read it myself.

[picks of the movie script]

The Producer: I get a better feel, capture the mood and tempo better that way. You see? It's in English, isn't it? "Long shot of streamlined plane with open air rear observation compa- "? With open air rear compart- ? "In the plane is the handsome hero, Bill Fields" ? "and his little niece, Gloria Jean, who are winging their way toward the Russian village in the strange and distant land of - "

The Great Man: That's a hot one! You were shaving me and I was shaving you.

The Great Man: Shall we play another rubber?

Mrs. Hemogloben: [to The Great Man] What are you doing here?

Ouliotta Delight Hemogloben: Mother this is a man! He fell out of an airplane and brought a wonderful new game to us. It's called Sqwuigilum. You pull two chairs together, place your hands on our head in this fashion, and then you close your eyes - and then you both press your lips together.

Mrs. Hemogloben: I'll try it with him! Mother knows best.

Ouliotta Delight Hemogloben: Close your eyes mother!

[the Great Man escapes]

The Great Man: I fell out of an airplane whilst trying to retrieve a bottle of golden nectar. And lyin' in on the pinnacle of yonder rock, where is domiciled a vision of loveliness, if ever there was one. And her mother, a buzzard if ever there was one.

The Engineer: They say the old buzzard's husband walked out of 'em, before the girl was born. And the buzzard vowed that the daughter would never see nor hear the name 'man' as long as she lived. They also say the old gal has a bankroll so big a greyhound couldn't leap over it.

The Great Man: Yeah? Well, she seems to have a kind heart, too. Maybe you could induce her to come down and talk turkey, to warn her he really loves her and has her interests at heart. She seemed like an awfully nice woman to me. Now, that I come to think of it.

Ouliotta Delight Hemogloben: Have you ever played Sqwuigilum?

Pete Carson: No. I've never heard of it.

Ouliotta Delight Hemogloben: Oh, well, we - we place our hands on our head, thus. Then we close our eyes. And then we press our lips together. - - Go ahead.

[kiss]

Ouliotta Delight Hemogloben: Isn't it fun? The man that was up here yesterday said this was a national game where he came from.

[long kiss]

Ouliotta Delight Hemogloben: Mmm. You must be a professional.

Pete Carson: Did the man who come up here yesterday play this game with you?

Ouliotta Delight Hemogloben: Yes, he did. But, when mother wanted to play, something frightened him and he dived over the parapet.

Pete Carson: Why the old reprobate.

Ouliotta Delight Hemogloben: Let's play sqwuigi!

[very long kiss]

Ouliotta Delight Hemogloben: [singing] If a body, Need a body, Come thro' the rye, If a body, Kiss a body, Need a body cry, Every lassie has her laddie, Nay, they say, hey I, Yet all the lads they smile at me, When comin' thro' the rye...

Ouliotta Delight Hemogloben: [singing] When the body, Met the body, The body to the body said, Oh, body, you're somebody, You ought to get a head...

The Producer: Marvelous! Wonderful! Amazing! The girl has been living on a mountaintop since she was three months old and, for no reason at all, suddenly blossoms out with jumpin' jive. Do you actually think I'm a dope? Now, don't you answer that!

His Niece: Uncle Bill, I don't want you to get married.

The Great Man: You listen to me, Missy, don't you want to live in this beautiful nest? Have a personal maid?

His Niece: No.

The Great Man: Wear diaphanous gowns? And eat regularly?

The Producer: That's all. That's enough! That's too much! Aeroplanes with sundecks. Russian villages in the sky. Gorillas playing Post Office! Cow! Sheep! Goats milk!

The Producer: I'm going. And when I get back, you better not be here. I don't care where you go - just go. Go! Go get a drink. Get two drinks. Get a dozen drinks!

The Great Man: Give me a drink. I'm dying.

The Soda Jerk: What'll it be?

The Great Man: Oh, um, jumbo ice cream soda.

The Soda Jerk: What flavor?

The Great Man: Oh, I don't care. Spinach. Horseradish. Anything you've got there.

The Soda Jerk: I'll give you peach.

The Great Man: It's killers like you that give the West a bad name!

The Producer: Now, don't worry about your Uncle Bill. He's lived his life and ruined mine.

The Great Man: Don't you want to be smart?

His Niece: No. I want to be like you.

The Great Man: Don't you think I'm smart?

His Niece: Not very.

The Great Man: Well, there's no sense in arguing with a woman.