To Be or Not to Be (1942)

Jack Benny: Joseph Tura

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Quotes 

• Joseph Tura : [disguised as Professor Siletsky - speaking about Maria Tura]  Her husband is that great, great Polish actor, Josef Tura. You've probably heard of him.

  Colonel Ehrhardt : Oh, yes. As a matter of fact I saw him on the stage when I was in Warsaw once before the war.

  Joseph Tura : Really?

  Colonel Ehrhardt : What he did to Shakespeare we are now doing to Poland.

• Maria Tura : It's becoming ridiculous the way you grab attention. Whenever I start to tell a story, you finish it. If I go on a diet, you lose the weight. If I have a cold, you cough. And if we should ever have a baby, I'm not so sure I'd be the mother.

  Josef Tura : I'm satisfied to be the father.

• Joseph Tura : If I shouldn't come back, I forgive you what happened between you and Sobinski. But if I come back, it's a different matter.

• [repeated line] 

  Joseph Tura : [disguised as Colonel Ehrhardt]  So they call me Concentration Camp Ehrhardt?

• Joseph Tura : Someone walked out on me. Tell me, Maria, am I losing my grip?

  Maria Tura : Oh, of course not, darling. I'm so sorry.

  Joseph Tura : But he walked out on me.

  Maria Tura : Maybe he didn't feel well. Maybe he had to leave. Maybe he had a sudden heart attack.

  Joseph Tura : I hope so.

  Maria Tura : If he stayed he might have died.

  Joseph Tura : Maybe he's dead already! Oh, darling, you're so comforting.

• Joseph Tura : Oh, darling, you were right this morning. I felt so rotten after the rehearsal that I went to Dobash and told him when he advertises the new play to put your name first.

  Maria Tura : Did you, darling? Oh, that's sweet of you; but, I really don't care.

  Joseph Tura : That's what Dobosh said, so we left it as it was.

• Joseph Tura : Wait a minute. I'll decide with whom my wife is going to have dinner and whom she's going to kill.

  Maria Tura : Don't you realize Poland's at stake?

  Lieutenant Stanislav Sobinski : Have you no patriotism?

  Joseph Tura : Now listen, you... first you walk out on my soliloquy and then you walk into my slippers. And now you question my patriotism. I'm a good Pole and I love my country and I love my slippers.

  Maria Tura : Well, I hope your country comes first.

  Lieutenant Stanislav Sobinski : So do I.

  Maria Tura : This is an emergency! War!

  Joseph Tura : Look, look, look, I don't know much about the whole thing... but is this Siletsky a real danger to Poland?

  Lieutenant Stanislav Sobinski : A catastrophe!

  Maria Tura : He must be taken care of!

  Joseph Tura : Then he will be taken care of.

  Maria Tura : Well, who's gonna do it?

  Joseph Tura : I'm gonna do it.

  Lieutenant Stanislav Sobinski : But how?

  Maria Tura : Where?

  Joseph Tura : I'm gonna meet Herr Siletsky at Gestapo headquarters. And after I've killed him I hope you'll be kind enough to tell me what it was all about!

• Dobosh, Theatrical Producer : [referring to Siletsky]  Now you take him back to the hotel.

  Joseph Tura : Alright.

  Dobosh, Theatrical Producer : As soon as you're in his room, you hit him over the head with the butt of the gun.

  Joseph Tura : Alright.

  Dobosh, Theatrical Producer : Then you take his keys, open his trunk and burn the papers. And then you shoot him.

  Joseph Tura : Alright.

  [starts to leave - then comes back] 

  Joseph Tura : Just a minute... what'll happen to me? They'll kill me.

  Dobosh, Theatrical Producer : Well... we're going to keep our fingers crossed.

  Joseph Tura : Good.

  [starts to leave again - then comes back] 

  Joseph Tura : Hey, wait a minute... you go to the hotel and I'll cross my fingers.

• Joseph Tura : [disguised as Colonel Ehrhardt]  I can't tell you how delighted we are to have you here.

  Professor Alexander Siletsky : May I say, my dear Colonel, that it's good to breathe the air of the Gestapo again. You know, you're quite famous in London, Colonel. They call you Concentration Camp Ehrhardt.

  Joseph Tura : Ha ha. Yes, yes... we do the concentrating and the Poles do the camping.

• Joseph Tura : It's unbelievable! Unbelievable! I come home to find a man in the same boat with me and my wife says to me, "What does it matter?"

  Lieutenant Stanislav Sobinski : But, Mr. Tura, it's the 'zero hour'.

  Maria Tura : You certainly don't want me to waste a lot of time giving you a long explanation.

  Joseph Tura : No, but I think a husband is entitled to an inkling.

• Joseph Tura : [disguised as Professor Siletsky]  Well, Colonel, all I can say is... you can't have your cake and shoot it, too.

• Joseph Tura : [disguised as a Gestapo officer]  What do you want from the Führer?

  Greenberg : What does he want from us? What does he want from Poland? Why possess us? Why? Why? Aren't we human? Have we not eyes? Have we not hands? Organs? Senses? Dimensions? Affections? Passions? Feed with the same food? Hurt with the same weapons? Subject to the same diseases? Healed by the same means? Cooled and warmed by the same winter and summer? If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? If you wrong us, shall we not revenge?

• Joseph Tura : [final lines]  To be or not to be, that -

  [slow burn as another young officer walks out] 

• Colonel Ehrhardt : What about the underground movement? What exactly are your plans?

  Joseph Tura : [disguised as Professor Siletsky]  Oh, you want to know?

  Colonel Ehrhardt : Yes, if you don't mind.

  Joseph Tura : Well, I, I have the key in my hand, all I have to - find is - the lock. That's better than having the lock and and having to find the key. How does it sound?

• Joseph Tura : [after Maria has received flowers...]  Three nights in a row! Even Shakespeare couldn't stand seeing Hamlet three nights in succession.

  Maria Tura : Did you forget you're playing Hamlet?

  Joseph Tura : Oh, that's right.

• Professor Alexander Siletsky : Well, this young flyer gave me the message and I couldn't make head nor tail of it and neither will you. But, Mrs. Tura seemed to understand it perfectly.

  Joseph Tura : [disguised as Colonel Ehrhardt]  Well, what was the message?

  Professor Alexander Siletsky : To be or not to be.

  Joseph Tura : To be - To be or not to be!

  Professor Alexander Siletsky : Well, clearly it's nothing alarming. It's only Shakespeare.

  Joseph Tura : That's what you think!

• Joseph Tura : You know I'm never any good unless I have my peace of mind. Maria, be honest, be frank, I've got to know! Did you tell that fella to walk out on my soliloquy?

• Joseph Tura : I had a plane arranged, everything! But, Mr. Rawitch had a burning desire to act again. And when Mr. Rawitch acts, someone has to suffer.

• Dobosh, Theatrical Producer : Now, look, Tura, you're playing for our lives.

  Joseph Tura : I know. Dobash, I'm going to do the impossible. I'm going to surpass myself!

  Dobosh, Theatrical Producer : Don't, Tura! Take it easy and don't draw out the scene. Please!

  [to others in the room] 

  Dobosh, Theatrical Producer : Come on, let's go. I hate to leave the fate of my country in the hands of a ham.

• Joseph Tura : The audience is a little cool tonight.

  Maria Tura : Not to me.

  Joseph Tura : Oh, I know I'm giving a rotten performance. I always do when we quarrel. Say something nice.

  Maria Tura : Oh, you faker. I watched your scene with Polonius from the wings and you were never better. I'd give you a kiss right now; but, I'm afraid I might ruin my make-up.

• Lieutenant Stanislav Sobinski : Shhh! Not so loud. You might endanger all of us. After all, we're all in the same boat.

  Joseph Tura : Oh, the same boat, eh? Well, then, let me ask you something, as one sailor to another: what ill wind blew you into my slippers?

• Maria Tura : Siletsky wants me to have dinner with him and if we don't get any other idea, I hate to think of it, but, maybe I'll have to kill him myself, because I'm the only one who can get to him. You see, this all wouldn't have happened if the Lieutenant had arrived before Siletsky. But, they sent a plane for Siletsky, so Siletsky arrived before the Lieutenant! Now, is that clear?

  Joseph Tura : No.

• Joseph Tura : [disguised as Professor Siletsky]  Here the whole Gestapo has been working for a long time, day and night, trying to find out every little thing about everybody. And I arrive and in a few hours I find the most attractive lady in town.

  Capt. Schultz : Oh, you didn't know Madame before?

  Joseph Tura : Oh, well, no, not exactly. But, the explanation is very simple. You see, I just asked Mrs. Tura, here, to deliver a message to her. Isn't that right?

  Maria Tura : Yes. Yes!

  Joseph Tura : You see, there's a young flyer, a very good friend of the Turas and, particularly, of Mrs. Tura. Isn't that right?

  Maria Tura : Well, yes, but, he's no particular friend of mine.

  Joseph Tura : Nevertheless, a friend. It was a sort of a code message.

  Capt. Schultz : Code message?

  Joseph Tura : Oh, Mrs. Tura has nothing to hide from the Gestapo. But, she has one tiny little secret. If her husband ever found out he would murder her. By the way, he is that great, great Polish actor, Joseph Tura! You've probably heard of him.

  Capt. Schultz : Ah, no, I haven't.

• Joseph Tura : [disguised as Professor Siletsky]  I didn't like the way Captain Schultz shifted the responsibility back to you.

  Colonel Ehrhardt : Neither did I. You know there's always something wrong with a man who doesn't drink or smoke, doesn't eat meat.

  Joseph Tura : You mean our Führer?

  Colonel Ehrhardt : Oh, no! No, please, Professor! I hope you don't...

• Joseph Tura : [disguised as a Gestapo officer]  How did you get here?

  Greenberg : I was born here.