- Mark Twain: Ladies and gentlemen, William Shakespeare, the greatest author in the English language is dead.....and I feel far from well myself.
- Mark Twain: Well I found out what a mine is anyway. It's a hole in the ground with a darn fool at the end of it.
- Mark Twain: If there's one man in this town so helpless, or so lowdown, that he can't speak his own mind - print it, if he wants to - this country is done. I'm writin' an account of how that man died, and it's gonna curl somebody's hair.
- Mark Twain: Men will always vary in nature, race, creed, and desires. There will always be the belligerent and oppressed. But in our country, we can and must hold fast to our ideal of democracy, because we've made it a shining reality. Let's cherish our proud traditions of freedom and tolerance. Let's vow that our tolerance will never become indifference, and our freedom never become license. Let's respect each other's rights and defend, with the pen, if possible, or the sword if need be, our inalienable privilege to be a free and united people.
- Bixby's Depth-Caller: [singing] Mark twain - safe water; mark twain.
- Horace E. Bixby - Riverboat Captain: Well, there's one call you'll never forget so long as you live, boy - mark twain - safe water. Many a night of storm and fog when you're trying to go on through, you'll be straining your ears to hear that call. The welcomest sound in all the world to a riverman are those two words: Mark Twain.
- Stoker: When you blows up on a railroad, there you is; but when you blows up on a steamboat, where is you?