[about her doll]

'Tootie' Smith: Poor Margeretha, I've never seen her look so pale.

Mr. Neely: The sun oughta do her some good.

'Tootie' Smith: I suspect she won't live through the night, she has four fatal diseases.

Mr. Neely: And it only takes one.

'Tootie' Smith: But she's going to have a beautiful funeral, in a cigar box my Papa gave me, all wrapped up in silver paper.

Mr. Neely: That's the way to go, if you have to go.

'Tootie' Smith: Oh, she has to go.

Esther Smith: I'm going to let John Truett kiss me tonight.

Rose Smith: Esther Smith.

Esther Smith: Well, if we're going to get married, I may as well start it.

Rose Smith: Nice girls don't let men kiss them until after they're engaged. Men don't want the bloom rubbed off.

Esther Smith: Personally, I think I have too much bloom. Maybe that's the trouble with me.

[about the pronunciation of "St. Louis"]

Mr. Neely: Well, I got a cousin who spells it the same way, and we call him "Louie".

'Tootie' Smith: He's isn't a city though, is he?

Mr. Neely: No...

'Tootie' Smith: Is he a saint?

Mr. Neely: Uh, no.

'Tootie' Smith: Then there's no comparison.

Mrs. Anna Smith: Sure, don't mind what happens to your family. At a time like this you think about the chickens.

Rose Smith: Money. I hate, loathe, despise and abominate money.

Mr. Alonzo Smith: You also spend it.

Esther Smith: Oh, Katie, they were just little white lies.

Katie (Maid): A lie's a lie. Dressin' it in white don't help it. And just why was I lying this time? Why must we have dinner an hour early?

Esther Smith: Because Rose is expecting...

Katie (Maid): Now don't go blaming your sister.

Esther Smith: Blaming her? Why, we're doing this for her. You know Rose's problem. Warren Sheffield has been writing to her for six months without one word that even smells like a proposal.

Katie (Maid): What's that got to do with having dinner an hour early?

Esther Smith: Warren is telephoning Rose long-distance from New York at half-past six.

Katie (Maid): Long-distance?

Esther Smith: Yes, and if the whole family is sitting here drinking in every word, she may be loathe to say the things a girl's compelled to say to get a proposal out of a man. If that man, unfortunately, is Warren Sheffield.

Katie (Maid): Personally, I wouldn't marry a man who proposed to me over an invention.

Esther Smith: Well, we can't be too particular. While we love Rose, the brutal fact is that, well, she isn't getting any younger.

Katie (Maid): There's the poor old maid now!

[When the family finds out that they are moving to New York City permanently]

'Tootie' Smith: It'll take me at least a week to dig up all my dolls in the cemetery.

Esther Smith: [singing] Have yourself a merry little Christmas, let your heart be light. / Next year all our troubles will be out of sight. / Have yourself a merry little Christmas, make the yule time gay / Next year all our troubles will be miles away. / Once again as in olden days, happy golden days of yore / Faithful friends who are dear to us, will be near to us once more. / Someday soon we all will be together, if the fates allow / Until then we'll have to muddle through somehow. / So have yourself a merry little Christmas now.

Rose Smith: Agnes Smith, you're nothing less than a murderer. You could have killed dozens of people!

Agnes Smith: Oh, Rose, you're so stuck up.

Agnes Smith: Katie? Katie, where's my cat? Where is she?

Katie (Maid): I don't know. A little while ago, she got in my way and I kicked her down the cellar steps. I could hear her spine hitting on every step.

Agnes Smith: Oh, if you killed her, I'll kill you! I'll stab you to death in your sleep, then I'll tie your body to two wild horses until you're pulled apart.

Katie (Maid): Oh, won't that be terrible, now? There's your cat.

Esther Smith: Meeting him across the lawn for the first time would be so ordinary. I don't want to be just introduced to him. I want it to be something strange and romantic and something I'll always remember.

Agnes Smith: I can't get hungry till it gets dark.

Katie (Maid): Dinner's at five-thirty. You can eat blind-folded!

Mrs. Anna Smith: We have to be out of the dining room by six-thirty. Warren Sheffield is telephoning Rose from New York. And Rose, if I were you, I wouldn't committ myself one way or another. After all...

Rose Smith: Mama, for goodness sakes!

Mrs. Anna Smith: After all, we know very little about him. Why, we haven't even met his folks.

Rose Smith: It seems to me that one little phone call is causing an awful lot of excitement in this family!

Mrs. Anna Smith: Besides, you're entirely too young and I don't think your father will allow it.

Katie (Maid): Mrs. Smith, if I'm going to keep lying to your daughters, I'll have to ask for more money.

Mrs. Anna Smith: Now, remember, not a word of this to your papa. You know how he plagues the girls about their beaus.

Agnes Smith: Everybody knows but Papa?

Grandpa: Your papa's not supposed to know. It's enough we're letting him work hard every day to support the whole flock of us. He can't have everything.

[after hearing Mr. Smith fall down the stairs]

'Tootie' Smith: Now I remember where I left my other skate!

John Truett: Wow, that's nice perfume.

Esther Smith: Do you like it? It's Essence of Violet. I only take it out on special occasions

John Truett: Exactly the kind my grandmother wears.

Grandpa: You'll all be safe with me; I've got twelve guns in my room!

[last lines]

Esther Smith: I can't believe it. Right here where we live - right here in St. Louis.

'Tootie' Smith: And I'm taking all my dolls, even the dead ones. I'm taking everything.

Esther Smith: Of course you are. I'll help you pack them myself. You won't have to leave anything behind. Except your snow people, of course. We'd look pretty silly trying to get them on the train, wouldn't we?

'Tootie' Smith: Nobody's going to have them, not if we can't take them to New York! I'd rather kill them if we can't take them with us!

Esther Smith: Oh, Tootie, don't cry. Don't cry, it's all right. You can build other snow people in New York.

'Tootie' Smith: No, you can't! You can't do any of the things that I can do in St. Louis!

Esther Smith: No, no, Tootie, you're wrong. New York is a wonderful town. Everybody dreams about going there, but we're luckier than lots of families because we're really going. Wait till you see the nice new home we're going to have, and the loads and loads of new friends we're going to make. But the main thing is, Tootie, that we're all going to be together, just like we've always been. That's what really counts. We could be happy anywhere as long as we're together.

Rose SmithEsther Smith: [singing] Meet me in St. Louie, Louie, meet me at...

Mr. Alonzo Smith: For heaven's sake, stop that screeching!

Rose Smith: We're sorry, Papa.

Mr. Alonzo Smith: The fair won't open for seven months, and that's all anybody ever sings about or talks about. I wish they would all meet at the fair and leave me alone.

Esther Smith: Papa, if losing a case depresses you so, why don't you quit practicing law and go into another line of business?

Mr. Alonzo Smith: That's a good idea. Starting tomorrow, I intend to play first base for the Baltimore Orioles. I'm sorry, Anna, if I was a little bombastic.

Mrs. Anna Smith: That's all right, dear, you'll feel better once you've had your dinner.

Mr. Alonzo Smith: I suppose so, but right now I'm going to soak in that cool bathtub for one solid hour.

Esther Smith: But that's impossible. Dinner's being served in five minutes.

Mr. Alonzo Smith: It's only five twenty-five, not six twenty-five.

Mrs. Anna Smith: We've planned on eating an hour early tonight.

Mr. Alonzo Smith: Well, the plans have just been changed. I'm taking a bath.

Mrs. Anna Smith: We're eating early for Katie's sake. Family trouble. She wants to go over there as soon as we've finished eating. Her sister's fighting with her husband.

Mr. Alonzo Smith: I see. And I suppose they'll stop fighting if I don't take a bath?

Mrs. Anna Smith: Now she's been with us for ten years, and she never asks favors. We don't want to risk losing her.

Esther Smith: No, nowadays you can't get a maid for less than twelve dollars a month.

Mr. Alonzo Smith: I don't care if we have to pay a maid fifteen dollars a month! Dinner's at six-thirty, and if Katie wants to hand in her notice, she can reach me in the bathtub!

'Tootie' Smith: Hello, Papa, I buried Maude Rockefeller today, and you missed all the fun.

Mr. Alonzo Smith: Oh, I wouldn't say that. I've had a pretty full day. Tootie, remind me to spank you right after dinner.

'Tootie' Smith: Yes, Papa.

Mr. Alonzo Smith: Lord, we thank thee for the bountiful blessing we are about to receive. Amen.

'Tootie' Smith: Agnes, if I forget to remind Papa, you remind me.

Agnes Smith: All right.

Mr. Alonzo Smith: Ah, corn beef and cabbage. Katie, I could smell that cabbage when I got off the trolley.

Katie (Maid): Cabbage has a cabbage smell.

[John Truett & Esther shakes hands]

John Truett: You've got a mighty strong grip for a girl.

'Tootie' Smith: Here comes the invalid. I have to have two kinds of ice cream. I'm recuperating.

Mrs. Anna Smith: If I ever catch you fibbing again like you did about John Truett, I'll give you something to recuperate about.

[after John tells Esther he couldn't pick up his tuxedo from the tailor because he was busy playing basketball]

John Truett: This is a fine going away present I'm giving you for Christmas. I'll bet you really hate me.

Esther Smith: Oh, no, John, I don't hate you! I just hate basketball!

Warren Sheffield: [on the telephone with Rose] Wait, Rose! We still have... 36 more seconds!

Rose Smith: I have an engagement. I think I can hear Joe's voice, now.

Grandpa: [lifts the tablecloth and looks under the table] Good evening, Joe!

Agnes Smith: Rose, what did you get me for Christmas?

Rose Smith: You'll find out tomorrow.

Agnes Smith: I hope it's a hunting knife!

Katie (Maid): Mrs. Smith, who are these boys?

Agnes Smith: It's me, Katie, it's Agnes!

Katie (Maid): Saints preserve us, it is! You had me fooled!

'Tootie' Smith: Mama, we fooled her!

Mrs. Anna Smith: Well, if you can fool our Katie, you can fool anyone.

Katie (Maid): Agnes, I thought you were a drunken ghost.

Agnes Smith: But I am. Tootie's a horrible ghost, and I'm a terrible drunken ghost.

'Tootie' Smith: She was murdered in a den of thieves, and I died of a broken heart. I've never even been buried because everyone's scared to come near me.

'Tootie' Smith: I wanna sleep right here.

Mrs. Anna Smith: Of course you will, darling.

'Tootie' Smith: And I wanna wear Esther's nightgown.

Rose Smith: I'll get it for you right now.

Mrs. Anna Smith: I hate to think about what your papa's going to do when he hears about all this. He may strike that Truett boy.

Rose Smith: I'll do that, Mama.

Mrs. Anna Smith: All right. And I'll get you some ice cream and cake, Tootie.

'Tootie' Smith: [singing] Feed a cold, starve a fever. I was drunk last night, dear Mother, I was drunk the night before. But if you'll forgive me, Mother, I'll never get drunk anymore!

Esther Smith: I got him! He didn't even have a chance to scratch me.

Rose Smith: Why, your dress is torn.

Esther Smith: Oh, that must've happened while he was trying to hold me off. I bit him!

'Tootie' Smith: [clapping her hands] I bit him, too!

Warren Sheffield: Rose Smith, we can't go on like this any longer. I've positively decided we're going to get married at the earliest opportunity and I don't want to hear any arguments. That's final. I love you. Merry Christmas.

Rose Smith: Merry Christmas

Mr. Alonzo Smith: Anna, who is that boy?

Mrs. Anna Smith: Now Lonny he's a very fine young man. We'll talk about it later.

Grandpa: That young man is so excited he's liable to leave on his honeymoon without Rose.

Grandpa: Pardon me, young man, but in the great country of China, when a stranger admires one of your possessions, it's common courtesy to offer it to him.

Kid at the ball: That's very interesting...

Grandpa: Yes. Well I spent many years in China, and if you want to make me feel thoroughly at home, you might offer me your partner.

Kid at the ball: Huh?

Grandpa: Spoken like a true gentleman.

John Truett: Gosh, Miss Esther, I hope I'm not too presumptuous, but you don't need any beauty sleep.

Esther Smith: What a nice compliment.

Agnes Smith: [Giggles] Roses are red, John's name is Truett, Esther's in love, We always knew it!

Grandpa: Truett... Knew it... That's good. But I can't think of anything that rhymes with "Colonel" if it isn't "Infernal".

Mrs. Anna Smith: Rose, Esther, the water's hot. We're eating early tonight, so if you're going to wash your hair, you better do it now.

Rose Smith: All right, Mama. Es, why are we eating early?

Esther Smith: Well, you certainly don't want the whole family sitting there drinking in every word while a man proposes to you long-distance.

Rose Smith: Proposes? I don't see why you think Warren's going to propose to me.

Esther Smith: Well, why else would he be calling you long-distance? Do you know what it costs?

Rose Smith: I'm not even sure I'll be in. My dear, when you get to be my age, you'll find there are more important things in life than boys!

Agnes Smith: Rose, it's six-thirty and Warren hasn't called yet.

'Tootie' Smith: Maybe he found another girl.

Mrs. Anna Smith: Quiet, you two.

Rose Smith: Mama, I assure you that I'm not the slightest bit sensitive about Warren Sheffield.

Grandpa: The queen has spoken.

Lon Smith Jr.: I suppose Warren's too young, too. Every fellow I introduce her to is too young.

Mrs. Anna Smith: Now, listen. Your papa will be down in a minute, and if we all eat quickly, we may still get out of here before the call comes through.

Esther Smith: Warren is twenty-one and I think that's a perfect age.

Rose Smith: He's practically a child.

Mrs. Anna Smith: Your father was twenty when we were married.

Grandpa: We gave him the bachelor dinner the night before. He almost missed the wedding!

Rose Smith: What did you say, Warren?

Warren Sheffield: Nothing. I was waiting for you to talk.

Rose Smith: Oh. Well, did you want to discuss anything in particular?

Warren Sheffield: What?

Rose Smith: I said, was there anything special you wanted to ask me?

Warren Sheffield: I can't hear you, Rose.

Rose Smith: That's funny. I can hear you plainly.

Warren Sheffield: Isn't this great? Here I am in New York and there you are in St. Louis and it's just like you're in the next room.

Rose Smith: What was that?

Warren Sheffield: I said, it's just like you're in the next room! Uh, Rose, I hope you don't misunderstand what I'm about to say.

Rose Smith: Yes?

Warren Sheffield: I don't think you better mention this call to anyone.

Mr. Alonzo Smith: Anna, I'm curious, just when was I voted out of this family?

'Tootie' Smith: We'll fix him fine. It'll serve him right for poisoning cats... He buys meat and then he buys poison and then he puts them all together.

Agnes Smith: And then he burns the cats at midnight in his furnace. You could smell the smoke...

'Tootie' Smith: ...and Mr. Braukoff was beating his wife with a red hot poker... and Mr. Braukoff has empty whiskey bottles in his cellar.

John Truett: Hello, Esther.

Esther Smith: John Truett.

John Truett: Oh, yeah?

Esther Smith: I've come here to ask you something...

[punches him]

John Truett: Really?

Esther Smith: Yes. What do you mean hitting a five-year-old child?

[she grabs him, struggling him]

Esther Smith: The next time, you want to hit somebody. Pick on somebody your own size.

John Truett: Hey, Esther!

[struggling her, she bites him in the hand]

Esther Smith: If there's anything I hate, loathe, despise, and abominate, it's a bully.

[she runs away from him]

[after John & Esther kiss]

Esther Smith: You've got a mighty strong grip for a boy.

Esther Smith: It's our last dance in St. Louis. I feel like I'm going to cry.

[talking on the telephone]

Warren Sheffield: Isn't this great? Here I am in New York, and there you are in St. Louis, and it's just like you're in the next room!

Rose Smith: What was that?

Warren Sheffield: [yelling] I said, IT'S JUST LIKE YOU'RE IN THE NEXT ROOM!

Rose Smith: Oh.

Johnny Tevis: Tootie, if you don't hit Mr. Braukoff in the face with flour and say "I hate you", the Banshee will haunt you forever!

Grandpa: [moaning] Ohhhhhhh.

Katie (Maid): What was that?

Grandpa: Here are your sacks of flour.

[Hand them to Tootie and Agnes]

Grandpa: You couldn't get me out on a night like this for a million dollars!

Agnes Smith: Did anyone here a noise just now?

Grandpa: Did it sound like this?

[moans again]

Grandpa: Ohhhhhh?

Agnes Smith: Uh-huh.

Grandpa: [Shakes his head] I didn't hear it.

Grandpa: If you wet the flour before you throw it, it makes it harder for the victim to remove it.

Rose Smith: Thank you for dropping me off, Colonel Darly.

Colonel Darly: It's my pleasure, Miss Smith.

Rose Smith: I'm sure the ice cream would have melted if it weren't for your thoughtfulness.

Colonel Darly: Glad to be of service. Good night.

Rose Smith: Wouldn't you like to come in? There's plenty of ice cream, and I'm sure my folks would love to meet you.

Colonel Darly: Thank you, Miss Smith, but some other time.

Rose Smith: Oh, Es, isn't he simply enchanting? And so mature!

Esther Smith: Well, how did it happen? Where did you meet?

Rose Smith: I was coming out of the shop and he was coming in. We bumped into each other!

Esther Smith: Accidentally?

Rose Smith: Almost!

Grandpa: That doctor must be walking.

Rose Smith: Should I call Papa at the office?

Mrs. Anna Smith: Oh, good heavens no, don't call your father! What could he do? There, there, darling.

'Tootie' Smith: He tried to kill me...

Mrs. Anna Smith: Now, tell mama. What happened?

Esther Smith: It was the streetcar. I think it hit her.

Rose Smith: It must have knocked her onto the sidewalk, didn't it, Tootie?

'Tootie' Smith: No, it wasn't a streetcar. It was John Truett. He tried to kill me.

Esther Smith: John Truett?

Mrs. Anna Smith: John Truett hit you?

'Tootie' Smith: He tried to kill me, and when I screamed, he ran away.

Esther Smith: Tootie Smith, that's a monstrous falsehood. John Truett wouldn't hit a girl, at least of all my sister.

Mr. Alonzo Smith: Either I've lost some soup, or I've found a spoon.

Katie (Maid): Would it start a minor revolution in this household if dinner was served an hour early today?

Mrs. Anna Smith: Mr. Smith hates to eat early on a hot day.

Katie (Maid): Eating early on a hot day gives you more time to digest your food before retiring. Besides, I'm due at my sister's at seven o'clock on a family matter.

Mrs. Anna Smith: Is there something wrong with your sister?

Katie (Maid): She's having trouble with her husband. Him bein' a man.

Mrs. Anna Smith: Well, eating early is all right with me, but you'll have to explain it to Mr. Smith.

Katie (Maid): Oh, he won't mind, seein' as how tonight's corn beef night.

Katie (Maid): Anybody want dessert?

Mr. Alonzo Smith: Dessert? What happened to dinner?

Katie (Maid): I didn't think anybody could eat meat on a hot day like this!

[first lines]

Mrs. Anna Smith: Best ketchup we ever made, Katie.

[she tries to tasting ketchup, it is too sweet]

Katie (Maid): Too sweet.

Mrs. Anna Smith: Mr. Smith likes it all the sweet side.

Katie (Maid): All men like it on the sweet side. Too sweet, Mrs. Smith.