- Mrs.Magnolia Claghorn: Beauregard, I've got somethin' to tell you. From now on, I'm gonna wear the pants in this family.
- Senator Beauregard Claghorn: Well, naturally, dear. I thought you were gonna tell me something new.
- Senator Beauregard Claghorn: You know we've got two states down here - South Carolina and North Carolina. North Carolina? No such place. Why don't they call it Upper South Carolina? And, I can't for the life of me understand why we've got a South Dakota up North.
- Peterson - the Mailman: Anyhow, Mr. Claghorn, I want you to know that you get the most interesting mail on my whole route.
- Senator Beauregard Claghorn: Well, that's mighty nice of you to say so, sir.
- Senator Beauregard Claghorn: Now, son, in my plan you simply move the Mason-Dixon line up around the Great Lakes. Make Canada the North. That way, anyone who couldn't talk with a Southern drawl would have to get a passport.
- William: Is it all ready for the ladies now ?
- Senator Beauregard Claghorn: Yeah. but are the ladies ready for it?
- Groceryman: What can we do, Mr. Claghorn?
- Senator Beauregard Claghorn: Eliminate the North -- make the whole country South.
- Senator Beauregard Claghorn: [Speaking to his pet] Daisy... you're lucky to be a dog. Your trouble's are canine; mine are asinine. If you weren't a dog, I'd get a laugh on that.
- Senator Beauregard Claghorn: [to his dog] Daisy, don't you know that's a Northern apple? You wanna get distemper? Drop it!
- [And the dog does]
- Mrs.Magnolia Claghorn: Beauregard, I could almost kiss you for that.
- Senator Beauregard Claghorn: Well, thank you, my dear. It's nice of you to almost wanna kiss me.
- Mary Lou: Well, why don't you kiss him, momma?
- Mrs.Magnolia Claghorn: Hmmm?
- Senator Beauregard Claghorn: Magnolia, my blossom, prepare to defend yourself.
- Mrs.Magnolia Claghorn: Stop it, now. Stop it!
- Mrs.Magnolia Claghorn: What're you so happy about?
- Senator Beauregard Claghorn: Oh, I'm sorry my dear. I didn't mean to be happy.
- Groceryman: Well, what about our maps, Mr. Claghorn?
- Senator Beauregard Claghorn: Maps? Did you ever look at a map? You'll notice that all the rivers run South.
- Groceryman: Well, that's only because of the shape of the earth.
- Senator Beauregard Claghorn: Nonsense! It's because they can't stand it up North.
- Mrs.Magnolia Claghorn: If that Jeff Davis comes in this house once more, I'm gonna pop up and go home to mother.
- Senator Beauregard Claghorn: [Excitedly] You will?
- Mrs.Magnolia Claghorn: Oh, so you wanna get rid of me?
- Senator Beauregard Claghorn: Oh, no, dear. I only said that, I said... .I must've said something.