Jake: [when asked to prepare Harold's very first alcoholic beverage] You arouse the artist in me.

Harold Diddlebock: Everyman is the architect of his own fortune.

Harold Diddlebock: A fool and his money are soon parted.

Wormy: What you need is a drink.

Harold Diddlebock: No, I never touch it. I never have. It runs in my family, not to. The demon rum...

Wormy: I tell you what I'm going to do, since you've been so generous and all...

Harold Diddlebock: No. No. I tell you I have never in my whole life...

Wormy: You're never too old to learn.

Harold Diddlebock: You can't teach an old dog, new tricks.

Wormy: Every dog is entitled to one bite.

Harold Diddlebock: Let sleeping dogs lie.

Wormy: A barking dog never bites!

Harold Diddlebock: He who sleepeth with dogs, rises with fleas!

Wormy: Now, wait a minute. How 'bout, eh, a little wine for they stomach's sake. That's from The Good Book! He who hesitates is lost.

Harold Diddlebock: Live to touch liquour, shall never touch wine.

Wormy: Eat, drink and be merry!

Harold Diddlebock: The priest and the prophet have erred through strong drink, they are swallowed up of wine, they are out of the way through strong drink; they err in vision, they stumble in judgment. Isaiah 28.

Wormy: You've got me.

Harold Diddlebock: What kind of a drink would you suggest? Nothing too strong, of course.

Jake: Well, crown my kittens, this is quite a moment.

Jake: It has always seemed to me that the cocktail should approach us on tip-toe, like a young girl, whose first appeal - is innocence.

Wormy: What a poet!

Jake: Here's to innocence!

Wormy: Bottoms up!

Harold Diddlebock: Over your ears!

Harold Diddlebock: Did you ever hear of the Trojan Horse?

Wormy: Where was he running?

Harold Diddlebock: As you know, Mr. Smoke, you are loathed by everyone.

James R. Smoke: Wha-wha-why?

Harold Diddlebock: Because you are a banker.

Harold Diddlebock: As soon as I have a minute, I'll thank you for hours.

Harold Diddlebock: He who loses honor, loses everything.

E.J. Waggleberry: We don't start people at the top, you understand. That would be too easy. We do it the American way! We give them an opportunity to work up! - from the bottom. What satisfaction! What the feeling of accomplishment you will have, when you are able to look back, from whatever rung of the ladder you're, eh, go-getiveness would have paced you on, to say, I - I did that!

E.J. Waggleberry: You have not only ceased to go forward, you have gone backward. You have not only stopped progressing, you have stopped thinking! You not only make the same mistakes, year after year, you don't even change your apologies. You have become a bottleneck! You are the living proof of the low quality of work we demand of our employees and a bad example to the younger employees who figure that if you can get away with it, they can too and they don't have to be any better than you are! Which is zero.

E.J. Waggleberry: [after just firing Harold] Goodbye and good luck. And as a parting thought, I want you to know that this is hurting me much more than it is you, Harold. Much more!

Harold Diddlebock: Thank you, very much. Goodbye.

E.J. Waggleberry: Don't let it get you down.

Harold Diddlebock: Once bitten, twice shy.

Harold Diddlebock: He who lendeth money, endeth friendship.

Harold Diddlebock: A wise man keepeth his own council.

Jake: This calls for a little celebration, Mr., eh...

Harold Diddlebock: Diddlebock. Harold Diddlebock.

Jake: Diddle what?

Harold Diddlebock: Diddlebock. Bock - as in beer.

Jake: Oh, I thought you said, Diddlebuck - as in buckwheat cakes.

Harold Diddlebock: No, I didn't

Wormy: Brother Diddlebuck, eh, back, eh, bu, eh, what's the matter with me?

Harold Diddlebock: Bock.

Wormy: [Deciding what to fix for Harold's first drink - ever] I was thinking of a Texas Tornado.

Jake: Oh, not for an occasion like this, Wormy. To me, it is a perfectly reliable commercial drink for conventions and hangovers and things like that. But this, this is almost, eh, is the word: vestal? I mean it ought to have organ music. I mean opportunities like this come along all too rarely for a man with his heart in his work.

Jake: [Fixing Harold's first alcoholic drink] Now, just a couple of technical questions. Would you like it frappé or flambé?

Harold Diddlebock: How?

Jake: Do you like ice skating or Turkish baths?

Harold Diddlebock: I used to skate, a little.

Jake: Frappé!

Harold Diddlebock: A Diddlebock isn't really a drink.

Mike the Cop: A what?

Jake: It's just a little thing I invented in Brother Diddlebock's honor.

Harold Diddlebock: It's more like fruit cup, really. A fruit cup with - sex appeal.

Harold Diddlebock: Why don't you give the gentleman a drink instead of letting him stand there with his tongue hanging out!

Harold Diddlebock: [Looking at himself in a mirror] Why, I wouldn't trust a face like that to empty a spittoon!

Formfit Franklin: Very clever! I guess I have to get up pretty early in the morning to catch you in bed.

Manicurist: It's been tried.

Formfit Franklin: Oh!

Harold Diddlebock: When the iron is hot, strike! Obey that impulse!

Flora: When old Mrs. Chauncey called out the window, "The night was made for sleep, Mr. Diddlebock", you and your drunken friends had to holler back, "The night was made for love, Mrs. Chauncey! Or have you forgotten?"

Harold Diddlebock: I said that?

Flora: Said it, you sang!

Harold Diddlebock: I wonder if anybody saw me?

Flora: Oh, no, of course, not. You probably didn't attract any more attention than Lady Godiva in Macy's window at noon!

Harold Diddlebock: Excuse me, you didn't happen to notice what I did with any of that money, did you? Or, even some of it?

Algernon McNiff: Oh, you were most free with it, sir. The women were at your feet, sir, if I may be so bold.

Harold Diddlebock: They were?

Algernon McNiff: Prostrate, sir, absolutely, on his uncle. The weaker sex simply adore a generous man, sir.

Harold Diddlebock: My circus? Who, in heaven's name, ever gave you the idea that I had a circus?

Wormy: Who ever give me the idea? You sent me out to take care of it, didn't you? Right in the middle of a party, didn't you? Just when I'm gettin' in good with this big blonde, I got to beat it out to Queens, just in time for an elephant to squirt a bucket of ice water in my kisser and for one of them cats to, well never mind that.

Harold Diddlebock: I was even in love with the same girl all my life; except, in different bodies.

Wormy: Same with me. I gotta have change all the time. So long, Suzie. Hello, Nellie! Hail - and farewell!

Harold Diddlebock: You know something else? He may have been right to fire me. I'm just an old has-been.

Wormy: What are you talkin' about? If ever I seen a live wire, a good-time Charlie with the rubber off his roller and a whistle for the dames.

Harold Diddlebock: Where there's a problem, there must be a solution. Where there's a mind, there must be thought. You follow me?

Harold Diddlebock: Now, where do you get money?

Wormy: Eh, Wall Street?

Harold Diddlebock: Correct. And where in Wall Street?

Wormy: A bank?

Harold Diddlebock: Correct, again. And how do you get that money out of that bank?

Wormy: A hold-up?

Wormy: [Repeated line] I hate bankers!

Harold Diddlebock: There's nothing that succeeds...

Wormy: Like success!

Harold Diddlebock: No! Like thought! With thought you can penetrate...

Wormy: Granite walls!

Harold Diddlebock: Right! - All we need, then, is a thought!

Harold Diddlebock: Drop that gun!

Wormy: Here, have a drink.

Robert McDuffy: I don't want to be popular. I don't like nobody and nobody likes me. If it's all right with them, it's all right with me.

Wormy: Here, have a drink.

Robert McDuffy: Certainly. That's the one thing I do like.

Frances Otis: Oh, I thought you were in trouble.

Harold Diddlebock: Far from it! Do I look as if I were in trouble? Now, you didn't happen to see any bankers downstairs, on your way up here, did you?

Frances Otis: No, I didn't Mr. Diddlebock. Only a colored man.

Harold Diddlebock: What was he doing?

Frances Otis: Mopping the floor.

Frances Otis: Don't talk nonsense, Mr. Diddlebock. Don't be depressed. The day is always darkest...

Harold Diddlebock: I know, just before the cyclone.

Harold Diddlebock: Did anyone see any bankers around here?

Frances Otis: Ringling Brothers, Barnum & Bailey Circus bought your circus.

Harold Diddlebock: Ringling Brothers, Barnum & Bailey Circus? You mean for money?

Frances Otis: Well, he certainly didn't buy it for peanuts.

Harold Diddlebock: Why didn't you resist me, Miss Otis?

Frances Otis: Because, you were irresistible, Mr. Diddlebock.

Harold Diddlebock: Piffle! Bunk! Sentimental drib drab.

[last lines]

Harold Diddlebock: That must be what I was doing all day Wednesday!