Allen Harper: [Trying to read his fiancee's letter, which is all crumpled] Billy, you've got this thing so messed up I can't read it.
Billy Burns: Would you like to know what it says?
Allen Harper: Oh, you've been readin' it!
Billy Burns: Oh, you and me ain't got no secrets from each other, do we?
Allen Harper: Well, I hadn't planned on sharing my girl with you.
Billy Burns: Mebbe not after you're married, eh? She wants you to go ridin' with 'er. I've got Red all saddled up ready to go!
Allen Harper: Well, why didn't you say so? I've got to get dressed.
Billy Burns: [as Allen is putting on a tie] No, no, no! Not that one!
Billy Burns: [Handing him another tie] There you are!
Allen Harper: [Looking at the die with distaste] Why, that's too loud!
Billy Burns: It's the one she give yuh fer yer birthday, ain't it? You ain't even wore it once. A woman don't shy a leetle might of color when she's bein' sparked.
Allen Harper: Whatta you know about women?
Billy Burns: Who me? Why I've had women from Arkansas to Zanzibar. No matter what they're thinkin' I'm jeest a jackrabbit hop ahead of 'em!
Billy Burns: You think you got some pretty tough fellas over there in Dodge City. I guess you ain't never heard of Dry Gulch Curly have you? You see, old Brandyhead Jones, he was a United States Marshal, too. He done all the hanging over in our neighborhood. And this Dry Gulch I'm telling you about -- he was so tough that when Old Brandyhead hung him, his trigger finger kept jerking for two hours after he was dead.
Marshal Bat Masterson: What do you want, Carmody?
Carmody: [Smiling] Look here, Bat. These citizens here have elected me spokesman...
Marshal Bat Masterson: Listen here, fella, there's only two kind of people I allow to call me Bat: good friends and people I like. You don't belong in either group.
[Carmody stops smiling]
Marshal Bat Masterson: Now, whatta yuh wanna say?
Carmody: [Walking up to Msterson] Look here, my friend, you're taking quite a load on your shoulders.
Marshal Bat Masterson: Who are you?
Carmody: I run the Oriental over there, and we take care of our own troubles here in Liberal.
Marshal Bat Masterson: You don't do a very good of it. If I hadn't to happen along, you'd have to hang this man for murder.
Carmody: You talk like a peace officer.
Marshal Bat Masterson: Every citizen is a peace officer when the peace is violated. This is a free country by statute.
Carmody: Statutes haven't reached this part of Kansas yet. You've plenty to learn, my friend. Among other things, I'll inform you that no cowboy will ever hang in Liberal.
[the crowd rumbles in agreement]
Marshal Bat Masterson: Liberal is the county seat. According to law it's where killers hang when convicted.
Carmody: Let's put it this way... if they're convicted, they hang. I'd advise you to get acquainted with our town.
Marshal Bat Masterson: I've been doin' a little along that line, but I'm grateful for the suggetion. I'll try to learn more.
Carmody: Good start would be to introduce yourself.
Marshal Bat Masterson: Oh, didn't I? - Social error. The name's William Bartley Masterson, United States Marshal.
Carmody: [Clearly alarned] Bat Masterson?
Marshal Bat Masterson: Yes.
Billy Burns: [Pulling a wounded Larkin down from his horse] Come on, get out of there! Deputy Burns is talkin'! Larkins, you're gonna get thirty days for that killin' and then we're gonna hang yuh!
[the townsfolk laugh]
Billy Burns: [to the men Masterson has locked up in jail] You fellers ain't gonna be lonesome in there very long. Before Bat Masterson gets through with this town, this jail will be more populous than a hound dog with the fleas.
Marshal Bat Masterson: Listen, Carmody, some day you're gonna make it necessary to kill you.
Marshal Bat Masterson: You see, Masterson, with you on our side of the fence, we've got nothing to worry about.
[Cutaway to a humming Carmody nodding to Larkin outside the door hiding in a balcony]
Marshal Bat Masterson: So there it is, Masterson. you play along with me, and in a year you'll be a rich man. You can throw that badge away, and live like a king.
Marshal Bat Masterson: Look, Maury, I wouldn't make a deal with you if it was endorsed by the President himself. We're on different sides of the street, and I'll stay on mine.