Kovatch: Oh, I love my family, but I'd give my six kids to get rid of my wife.
The Mayor: Your Excellency - he took bribes, he drank all my wine, he-he-he yelled out the windows, he even made love to my wife! How could... How could I doubt that he was an Inspector General?
Georgi: Be big, be strong, be firm, says Yakov! But if it doesn't work - whose neck will they jerk? Whose block will they knock off? Not Yakov. Be an Inspector General... What does an Inspector General do, inspect generals? No. An Inspector General generally inspects, that is... they expect him to inspect generally; if they're inspecting an Inspector General. But an exceptionally generous Inspector General who made an exception and had no inspection, would cause suspicion, which in my condition, I couldn't accept... Thank you. However... If people are suspecting, now expect - without detecting, an imposter who's not posted as a pedigreed inspector... could this palpable imposter stay a gypsy, an accoster, could he possibly get past them by his posture? In two words - un-likely. So, it is not a question of, to flee or not to flee, but to be or not to be, and if so... How? Should I be elegant? Should I be arrogant? Should I be smart? A roaring Russian Hussar, or very British empire? Or like the KGB in Nice, who already eats the cheese, while he says, 'No thank you please.' Be smart! I must examine every side of me; the long, the narrow, the wide of me, The Dr. Jekyll and the Hyde of me. If I value my anatomy, the skinny and the fat of me, how shall I start to play the part? Should I be elegant? Arrogant? Or smart?
Georgi: [singing] Drink to me only wi-ith thine eye-eyes / And I will drink with my nose!
Georgi: [singing to himself on how to pull off the scam] Be arrogant, be elegant, be smart!
Georgi: [making up code for "arrogance, elegance, and smarts"] Give 'em the fist, give 'em the wrist, give 'em the finger!
Gregor: The Inspector General. Yes, he has full power from the Emperor himself. And wherever he finds bribery and corruption, there the gallows and the firing squad go to work. More.
[the newly deposed Mayor of Klimenti is immediately given more wine to calm him]
The Mayor: What does he look like, this Inspector General?
Gregor: Who knows? A man of mystery. Five days he was in our midst and no one even suspected it. He went everywhere, saw everything, and uncovered such corruption that even I was shocked.
The Mayor: The hospital - have you cleaned it up?
Lazlo: Well, you could eat off the floors. We put sheets on the bed, and we got the goats out of surgery. I put charts on the foot of each patient's bed indicating the nature of their illness.
The Mayor: Good. Now at least they'll know what they died from.
Turnkey: This is a nice jail. Really it is. We've had some wonderful hangings here.
Georgi: [nervously] Oh, I have no wife. None of my family had wives. My father didn't like wives. I mean, my mother didn't like my father's wives.
Yakov: You'll regret this, you fat-faced village idiot!
The Mayor: What! You... you... How dare you!
Yakov: Keep your dirty hands off me, you misbegotten peasants!
The Mayor: Tie him up!
Yakov: The Emperor will tear this stinking village down over your ears, you thieving lard-bucket! Heads will roll here like marbles - yours first, and then this flea-ridden sack of nothing you call the Inspector General!
Inspector General: Oh! Why, he's insane! Take him away! Take him away!
Yakov: This isn't the Inspector General! Don't make me laugh! The great Emperor wouldn't appoint a thing like this to a post of such importance! THIS is your Inspector General! Here! His carriage, his manner, his bearing. Gentlemen, take your choice.