Avery Brubaker: Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!

Lynn Belvedere: The point is well taken.

Isabelle Pinkley: [Watching and listening to him playing the piano] Oh, that's beautiful!.

Lynn Belvedere: Yes, it is.

Isabelle Pinkley: Beethoven?

Lynn Belvedere: Belvedere.

Isabelle Pinkley: You play like Rubinstein.

Lynn Belvedere: Rubinstein plays like me.

Avery Brubaker: Mrs. Chase, don't you have to be a single girl to be a member of a sorority? I mean, you can't have a family and belong, can you?

Mrs. Chase: That's right.

Avery Brubaker: Then why are you rushing Ellen Baker? She's got a three-year-old kid.

Mrs. Chase: She's what?

Lynn Belvedere: [Interrupting] The dishes, Mr. Brubaker.

Avery Brubaker: I saw him today. He threw a tomato at me, and it had a can around it.

Mrs. Chase: He?

Avery Brubaker: She's got a little boy. His name is Davy. I saw him with my own eyes.

Mrs. Chase: [Shocked] A little...

Lynn Belvedere: Mrs. Chase, there's no cause for alarms or excursions. Many women have a son, you included. It requires no particular talent.

Cornelius 'Corny' Whittaker: [Both wearing silly college caps] Let's take a gander at you, Mr. Belvedere. Gee, that doesn't look half bad.

Lynn Belvedere: That which is half bad, Mr. Whittaker, is only half good.

Cornelius 'Corny' Whittaker: Yeah, but on the other hand, that which is half bad is only half as bad as it could be, you know?

Lynn Belvedere: [as they dance] Glide, Miss Pinkley. Don't bounce.

Isabelle Pinkley: Oh., Mr. Belvedere, if only every time I danced the waltz, I could have a partner like you!

Lynn Belvedere: You're indulging in wishful thinking, my dear.

Lynn Belvedere: [At the Student Employment Bureau] Will you help me, please?

Bill Chase: Just a second, my friend. Ladies first.

Lynn Belvedere: Why?

Bill Chase: Just common courtesy... the usual thing.

Lynn Belvedere: For your information, young man, let me point out to you that woman has never been first in the entire tragic history of the human race. It was not Adam who sprang from Eve's rib, nor did Mrs. Noah captain the ark. Neither can the distaff side claim Mr. Einstein, nor Mr. Tschaikowsky, nor Mr. Lincoln.

Ellen Baker: Wat about Madame Curie?

Lynn Belvedere: Monsieur Curie's story has never been told. Therefore, Miss Baker, you will take your place behind me.

Dr. Gibbs: Is there something I can do for you, Mr. Belvedere?

Lynn Belvedere: I wish to register in this university.

Dr. Gibbs: What on earth for?

Lynn Belvedere: $10,000.

Dr. Gibbs: I don't quite follow.

Lynn Belvedere: Dr. Gibbs, my novel, Hummingbird Hill, has just won the Morehouse Award, consisting of a gold medal and $10,000 in cash.

Dr. Gibbs: Well, surely, the money doesn't mean anything to you.

Lynn Belvedere: Money is the root of all evil. I respect it. The less I have of it, the more I respect it, and at the moment i have the greatest respect for it.

Dr. Gibbs: But you must have made a fortune on your book.

Lynn Belvedere: I also lost a fortune in libel suits.

Dr. Gibbs: Oh, now. How...?

Lynn Belvedere: My unconscionable desire to write the truth has inundated me in a sea of debt. I am, in legal terms, a pauper.

Dr. Keating: Mr. Belvedere, these are astonishing grades!

Lynn Belvedere: Yes, they are.

Dr. Keating: 98, 100, 100, 97, 99, 100.

Dr. Gibbs: Yes, and I must admit that your IQ places you in a very high category.

Lynn Belvedere: Naturally. I am a genius.

Dr. Keating: Yes, Mr. Belvedere, quite so.

Dr. Gibbs: Yes, it is that very fact which compels me to suspect your motive in joining us here.

Dr. Keating: Mr. Belvedere explained that the Morehouse Award required him to have a college degree.

Dr. Gibbs: I know what Mr. Belvedere said.

Dr. Keating: Dr. Gibbs is not being arbitrary. Even you, sir, will admit that your entrance into Clemens as a freshman and your attempt to complete four years schooling in less than one year could disguise an ulterior purpose.

Lynn Belvedere: Subterfuge is a strategy employed by idealists and parasites. I have never been either.

Dr. Keating: Well, in that case then, you won't object if I enroll you in this university as a freshman -- subject to conditions.

Dr. Keating: Which are?

Dr. Keating: If you should attempt to use this college for a publicity stunt to exploit your novel or yourself -- that is, to say, if there is any notoriety or sensationalism during your stay here at Clemens -- then it shall become my unpleasant duty to expel you.

Lynn Belvedere: Conditions accepted.

Dr. Keating: Then allow me to welcome you officially to Clemens University.

Lynn Belvedere: [Shaking hands] Thank you, President Keating.