Jack: Now, cut that out!
Stationmaster: Train leaving on Track Five for Anaheim, Azusa and Cucamonga.
[At Liberace's House]
Liberace: What do we have for dinner?
Cook: We have some breast of flamingo and gazelle steaks.
Jack: Breast of flamingo and gazelle steaks?
Liberace: Would you like to stay for dinner, Jack?
Jack: Well, only if you have enough. I'd hate for you to run out to the zoo just for me.
Thug: Look, bud, I said 'Your money or your life.'
Jack Benny: I'm thinking it over.
Thug: You're gonna give us $10,000, or we're gonna break both your legs.
Jack Benny: Does it have to be both?
Jack: I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them.
Jack Benny: We're a little late, so good night, folks.
Jack: When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.
Jack: I feel responsible for Johnny Ray's success. See many years ago I asked him to be on my show and he asked for a lot of money and I cried. And he stole that from me.
Bob Hope: [on being on a CBS show] I feel like Zsa Zsa at a P.T.A. meeting.
Bob Hope: [finding some coins tied with string in Jack's trousers] When you ask this kid for a loan, and he says his money is tied up, he isn't kidding. This is an obstacle course for pickpockets.
[Bob walks on carrying Jack's trousers]
Bob: Welcome to the Lucky Strike Program. In just a few minutes, you'll see our star, Gypsy Rose Benny.
Mel Blanc: [as a former classmate, now a taxi driver] I'm very successful - I own my own cab. What do YOU do?
Jack: [pause] I'm the voice of Bugs Bunny!
Mel Blanc: Well, I'm glad you got rid of that lousy fiddle!
Bob Hope: By the way, this is where Bing did his last show and I think they've done very nicely. They've gotten most of it out of the curtains.
Bob: This is rather strange for me, I'm on the major network.
Bob: [about Bing Crosby] He's up in Nevada looking over Boulder Dam - his piggy bank is filled. He's so loaded, you know, he uses Howard Hughes for a bell boy.
Jack: Did you know "execrable" means "lousy?"