Marilyn Monroe: What about the difference in our ages?
Jack: Oh, it's not that big a difference. You're twenty-five and I'm thirty-nine.
Marilyn Monroe: I know, Jack. But what about twenty-five years from now when I'm fifty and you're thirty-nine?
Jack: Gee, I never thought of that.
[on trial for murder, Jack has Perry Mason defending him]
Jack: I can't understand it. On your show you always win.
Perry Mason: Maybe my writers are better than yours.
[repeated line]
Jack: Now, cut that out!
[repeated line]
Stationmaster: Train leaving on Track Five for Anaheim, Azusa and Cucamonga.
[At Liberace's House]
Liberace: What do we have for dinner?
Cook: We have some breast of flamingo and gazelle steaks.
Jack: Breast of flamingo and gazelle steaks?
Liberace: Would you like to stay for dinner, Jack?
Jack: Well, only if you have enough. I'd hate for you to run out to the zoo just for me.
Thug: Look, bud, I said 'Your money or your life.'
Jack Benny: I'm thinking it over.
Thug: You're gonna give us $10,000, or we're gonna break both your legs.
Jack Benny: Does it have to be both?
Jack: I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them.
[repeated line]
Jack Benny: We're a little late, so good night, folks.
Jack Benny: Where's that big glass star I told you to pack away last Christmas?
Rochester: You mean that shiny one with the three points on it?
Jack Benny: That star has five points.
Rochester: Well, it went down two points this last year.
Bob Crosby: That's like keeping the smog and throwing away Los Angeles.
Don Wilson: I don't think you know how much it means to me to do the commercial. After all I'm not a funny man. I can't sing or dance. I don't lead a band. What are you paying me for?
Jack: Don, you're hanging yourself.
Jack: When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.
Jack: I feel responsible for Johnny Ray's success. See many years ago I asked him to be on my show and he asked for a lot of money and I cried. And he stole that from me.
Bob Hope: [on being on a CBS show] I feel like Zsa Zsa at a P.T.A. meeting.
Bob Hope: [finding some coins tied with string in Jack's trousers] When you ask this kid for a loan, and he says his money is tied up, he isn't kidding. This is an obstacle course for pickpockets.
Don Wilson: [Poking his head through the curtains] Bob, Bob, quick, give me Jack's pants
Bob Hope: Why do you want Jack's pants?
Don Wilson: Because I had to give him mine.
Bob Hope: You mean, Jack's actually wearing your pants?
Jack: [out of shot] Darn right I am.
[Bob walks on carrying Jack's trousers]
Bob: Welcome to the Lucky Strike Program. In just a few minutes, you'll see our star, Gypsy Rose Benny.
Jack Benny: [on the phone with Mary Livingston] Hello, Mary. Are you free tonight? No, I don't have any plans. Would you like to go see a movie? No, I'll come to your house; you're TV screen is much bigger.
[Mary hangs up the phone]
Jack Benny: Mary? Mary? I don't know what she's mad about.
Mel Blanc: [as a former classmate, now a taxi driver] I'm very successful - I own my own cab. What do YOU do?
Jack: [pause] I'm the voice of Bugs Bunny!
Mel Blanc: Well, I'm glad you got rid of that lousy fiddle!
Bob Hope: By the way, this is where Bing did his last show and I think they've done very nicely. They've gotten most of it out of the curtains.
Bob: This is rather strange for me, I'm on the major network.
[mouths NBC]
Bob: [about Bing Crosby] He's up in Nevada looking over Boulder Dam - his piggy bank is filled. He's so loaded, you know, he uses Howard Hughes for a bell boy.
Don Wilson: Rochester, you sing, don't you?
Rochester: Anything but Soprano.
Jack: Did you know "execrable" means "lousy?"