Marilyn Monroe: What about the difference in our ages?

Jack: Oh, it's not that big a difference. You're twenty-five and I'm thirty-nine.

Marilyn Monroe: I know, Jack. But what about twenty-five years from now when I'm fifty and you're thirty-nine?

Jack: Gee, I never thought of that.

[on trial for murder, Jack has Perry Mason defending him]

Jack: I can't understand it. On your show you always win.

Perry Mason: Maybe my writers are better than yours.

[repeated line]

Jack: Now, cut that out!

[repeated line]

Stationmaster: Train leaving on Track Five for Anaheim, Azusa and Cucamonga.

[At Liberace's House]

Liberace: What do we have for dinner?

Cook: We have some breast of flamingo and gazelle steaks.

Jack: Breast of flamingo and gazelle steaks?

Liberace: Would you like to stay for dinner, Jack?

Jack: Well, only if you have enough. I'd hate for you to run out to the zoo just for me.

Thug: Look, bud, I said 'Your money or your life.'

Jack Benny: I'm thinking it over.

Thug: You're gonna give us $10,000, or we're gonna break both your legs.

Jack Benny: Does it have to be both?

Jack: I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them.

Jack: When they laugh at one of my jokes... it just gets me right here.

[Puts hand on heart]

Rochester: Yes, that's the spot all right. You almost had a heart attack when they laughed at Bob Hope.

Humphrey Bogart: I'm entitled to one phone call, ain't I? Gimme a dime I'll go down to the drugstore.

Jack: Oh, no you don't. You'll make your call here where I can keep an eye on you.

Bob: And save a dime.

Jack: What do you think of this card I wrote for Don? "To Don from Jacky, Oh golly, oh shucks. I hope that you like it, It cost forty bucks.

Rochester: It would've been hard to rhyme a dollar ninety-eight.

[repeated line]

Jack Benny: We're a little late, so good night, folks.

Jack Benny: Where's that big glass star I told you to pack away last Christmas?

Rochester: You mean that shiny one with the three points on it?

Jack Benny: That star has five points.

Rochester: Well, it went down two points this last year.

[Jack picks up a jar from the dresser]

Jack: Hey, wait a minute. What kind of make up is this?

Rochester: Well, you said you wanted something to make you look nice and tanned.

Jack: I know, but peanut butter?

[Audience laugh]

Jack: I want to look tanned, not lumpy.

[Jack decides to have a shave]

Rochester: [checking his equipment] Shaving cream, brush, razor, smelling salts.

Jack: Smell?... What do I want with smelling salts?

Rochester: That's for me. I can't stand the sight of blood.

[Rochester has started shaving Jack]

Rochester: Oh oh.

Jack: What's the matter?

Rochester: I think I cut you.

Jack: What do you mean, you think? Can't you tell?

Rochester: It would help if you bleed a little.

Bob Crosby: That's like keeping the smog and throwing away Los Angeles.

Don Wilson: I don't think you know how much it means to me to do the commercial. After all I'm not a funny man. I can't sing or dance. I don't lead a band. What are you paying me for?

Jack: Don, you're hanging yourself.

Jack: When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.

Jack: I feel responsible for Johnny Ray's success. See many years ago I asked him to be on my show and he asked for a lot of money and I cried. And he stole that from me.

Bob Hope: [on being on a CBS show] I feel like Zsa Zsa at a P.T.A. meeting.

Bob Hope: [finding some coins tied with string in Jack's trousers] When you ask this kid for a loan, and he says his money is tied up, he isn't kidding. This is an obstacle course for pickpockets.

Jack: [poking his head through the stage curtains] Bob, will you please give me my pants back?

Bob Hope: Put your head back through there, or I'll start handing out baseballs to the audience.

Don Wilson: [Poking his head through the curtains] Bob, Bob, quick, give me Jack's pants

Bob Hope: Why do you want Jack's pants?

Don Wilson: Because I had to give him mine.

Bob Hope: You mean, Jack's actually wearing your pants?

Jack: [out of shot] Darn right I am.

[Bob walks on carrying Jack's trousers]

Bob: Welcome to the Lucky Strike Program. In just a few minutes, you'll see our star, Gypsy Rose Benny.

Jack: It's really dangerous, here in the jungle.

'Clyde': Your'e telling me. What about those first three nights, we had to light fires to keep the animals away.

Jack: Yeah, then we ran out of water. For three weeks we couldn't even take a bath.

'Clyde': Then the animals lit fires to keep us away.

[our heroes have been captured by a tribe on cannibals, and are standing in a large pot]

Jack: I'm scared, I'm frightened.

'Clyde': Frightened. Why, you yellow-belly. Do you want to live forever?

Jack: No, I just want to reach 40.

'Clyde': Oh, we're not going to make that trip again, oh no.

Jack Benny: [on the phone with Mary Livingston] Hello, Mary. Are you free tonight? No, I don't have any plans. Would you like to go see a movie? No, I'll come to your house; you're TV screen is much bigger.

[Mary hangs up the phone]

Jack Benny: Mary? Mary? I don't know what she's mad about.

Mel Blanc: [as a former classmate, now a taxi driver] I'm very successful - I own my own cab. What do YOU do?

Jack: [pause] I'm the voice of Bugs Bunny!

Mel Blanc: Well, I'm glad you got rid of that lousy fiddle!

Bob Hope: By the way, this is where Bing did his last show and I think they've done very nicely. They've gotten most of it out of the curtains.

Bob: This is rather strange for me, I'm on the major network.

[mouths NBC]

Bob: [about Bing Crosby] He's up in Nevada looking over Boulder Dam - his piggy bank is filled. He's so loaded, you know, he uses Howard Hughes for a bell boy.

[Our heroes enter a jungle clearing carrying a tiger on a pole]

Jack: These last 2 miles were rugged, weren't they?

'Clyde': I knew as soon as we got off the freeway, we'd run into trouble.

Jack: [Pointing to the tiger] He must have gone to a veterinarian in Denmark.

'Clyde': I wondered why he had his hand on his hip when I shot him.

Jack: What kind of tiger is that - Siberian or Bengal?

'Clyde': General Electric.

Jack: [pointing a pistol at Bob's trousers] I'm going to blow your brains out.

[Bob adjusts Jack's gun arm, so that the pistol is now pointing at Bob's head]

Bob Hope: Let's not do any jokes we didn't plan on, eh.

Don Wilson: Rochester, you sing, don't you?

Rochester: Anything but Soprano.

Jack: Did you know "execrable" means "lousy?"