Doctor Kreuger: [noticing recognition between Jerry and Ilse] You two know each other?

Jerry Morgan: Uh, no, not really. We slept in the same room last night. Uh... Uh, I-I mean... Uh, but I mean, we took a shower together. Uh, actually, we've never been actually introduced.

Narrator: But when ruthless and desperate men are at work, there are always the innocent who suffer.

[as the stage show's end, the ventriloquist's dummy asserts itself]

Jerry Morgan: [speaking of his fiancee] Really, folks, she's a beautiful, wonderful girl. I wish you could see her.

Clarence: Yeah, you should see her. A blonde, blue-eyed, baby-faced purse-snatcher.

Jerry Morgan: Clarence!

Clarence: A peroxide octopus.

Jerry Morgan: Quiet!

Clarence: Fifteen hands and they're all in his pockets.

Jerry Morgan: Clarence! Please!

Clarence: A hundred and ten pounds of well-stacked rattlesnakes!

Jerry Morgan: Clarence!

Jerry Morgan: Mr. Papinek, you're a Frenchman, and the French are supposed to know about these things. I'd like to ask you something. Now, how can you tell when you're really in love?

Maurice Papinek: [having fixed his dolls] Remember, you must not touch.

Jerry Morgan: Not even if you're in love?

Maurice Papinek: Not until the glue hardens.

Marty Brown: Please, don't say "stomach."

Godfrey Langston: [looking out the airplane window] Tell me, Mr. Morgan, how many stars would you say there were out there?

Jerry Morgan: Well... Stars? There in the sky stars?

Godfrey Langston: Yes.

Jerry Morgan: Hm. Well, uh, I-I don't know offhand. I-I, uh, I would say way up in the thousands.

Godfrey Langston: A hundred thousand?

Jerry Morgan: Well, uh, I think more than that.

Godfrey Langston: Two hundred thousand?

Jerry Morgan: Uh, nooooo. Possibly a little bit more.

Godfrey Langston: Three hundred thousand.

Jerry Morgan: I-I don't like to seem impertinent, Mr. Langston, but that's the Milky Way.

Godfrey Langston: Very well, Mr. Morgan. How many would you say there were?

Jerry Morgan: Stars? Well, uh, I'd say about a million.

Godfrey Langston: A million?

Jerry Morgan: Yeah... about.

Godfrey Langston: Very well, Mr. Morgan. Let us say a million.

Jerry Morgan: Very well, Mr. Langston, let's.

Godfrey Langston: Good.

[They shake hands, Jerry not realizing he just negotiated the financial side of an espionage deal]

Jerry Morgan: You know, I don't think I'm crazy. I think I'm a little bit peculiar, but that's not crazy.

Jerry Morgan: Listen, if this keeps up you'll get us kicked out of Switzerland.

Laslo Gromeck: [stopping Jerry on his way back form the ladies' lavatory] Where is it?

Jerry Morgan: Uh, third door on the right, but lock the door - they'll walk right in on ya.

Dr. Ilse Nordstrom: Tell me, Jerry, why are you so unhappy?

Jerry Morgan: [regressed to when he was five-years-old] Because my mummy and daddy are always fighting and yelling and screaming at each other and throwing things and everything.

Dr. Ilse Nordstrom: And why do they do that?

Jerry Morgan: They have to - they're married.

Car Salesman: I say, what did you think of the Himalayas?

Jerry Morgan: Loved him, hated her.