- Gwen Bentley: It's not infatuation. I'm in love with him.
- John Bentley: Don't be ridiculous. He's nearly as old as I am. You're only sixteen.
- Gwen Bentley: Juliet was only fourteen when she fell in love with Romeo.
- John Bentley: They were foreigners!
- Pearl Delaney: I'm an actress.
- John Bentley: Legitimate?
- Pearl Delaney: [in a huff] I didn't come here to be insulted!
- Bobby Denver: Better put these in water
- John Bentley: My Calsilarium Optiflora!
- Bobby Denver: Nevermind about your health. It's your garden, I'm worrying about. It's in terrible condition.
- Pat Bentley: I haven't got a boyfriend.
- Bobby Denver: Hmmm. that's bad.
- Pat Bentley: i've got a husband.
- Bobby Denver: That's worse.
- Pat Bentley: He's in jail.
- Bobby Denver: That's better.
- John Bentley: Oh, I see. All my fault. The father's always to blame. Give the children money, you spoil them. Give them no money, you handicap them. Expect much from them, you set too high a standard. Expect nothing and you give them an inferiority complex. There is no answer!
- Stella Bentley: Of course there is, dear. As long as they're happy.
- John Bentley: Nonsense. Any monkey with a bomb tied to its tail could be happy - until it goes off.
- Stella Bentley: The last 18 years, John, I've put up with your drab, dreary, dull, dismal, dated routine. In the short time since Mr. Denver's been in the house, I've had more excitement and glamour than in all those 18 years. It's made me feel as if I were back on stage again. And you dare to call him a degenerate product! I'm sorry to have to say this, John, but I would willing leave you tomorrow for either Abbot - or Costello.
- John Bentley: Gwendolyn, if you don't go to your room this instant. I shall put you across my knee and give you the soundest thrashing you've ever had in your life!
- John Bentley: Why is she dressed like a morbid fisherman?
- Stella Bentley: Because Peter, her husband, is an existentialist, dear.
- Pat Bentley: I might have known. You don't like Peter! You don't appreciate his hidden talents.
- John Bentley: I'm a stock broker, not a geiger counter.
- Pat Bentley: You couldn't appreciate him any more than you could appreciate a symphony by Picasso or a painting by Puccini or anything that has anything to do with your money-grabbing old stock exchange!
- John Bentley: Linda, go away. I'm about to commit murder.
- Linda: Miss Gwen's just committed suicide.
- John Bentley: What?
- Peter Pember: Where's my woman?
- John Bentley: You're what?
- Peter Pember: My little one. My loved one. My Rose of Sharon. My wife.
- John Bentley: Why aren't you in jail?
- Peter Pember: I escaped.
- John Bentley: I always said the French Police were inefficient.
- Gwen Bentley: In such a night stood Dido, with a willow in her hand, upon the milk sea banks. In such a night, Medea gathered the enchanted herbs. Oh, Bobby, darling, its so wonderful! Troilus and Cressida, Aeneas and Dido, you and me!
- Bobby Denver: I got to be going now. I'll be late for my TV show.
- Bobby Denver: I want to see something of your wonderful country. You know, Stratford, Manchester, Scotland, towns like that.
- Corinne Bentley: Poor Daddy. I suppose as a family we are a bit of a headache.
- John Bentley: That's all right, darling. As long as you're happy.
- Corinne Bentley: No, Pop! As long as *we're* happy!
- Bobby Denver: You know, you need a darn good spanking. And you too! Now, come on, you two, you're sisters!
- Pat Bentley: Let me go!
- Gwen Bentley: Let me go!
- Bobby Denver: You're going to kiss and be good friends.
- Gwen Bentley: Let me go!
- Pat Bentley: Let me go!
- Bobby Denver: Kiss and be good friends!
- Pat Bentley: You know, he's very disturbing. When he's with me, he drives me crazy. When he's not with me, he drives me even crazier.
- John Bentley: He just drives me crazy - period.
- Bobby Denver: Say fellas, I think I've done just about enough talking. So, if you don't mind, I'd rather sing.
- [sings]
- Bobby Denver: There's a light that lies in Lizza's eyes, And lies and lies and lies and lies, And lies - in Lizza's eyes...
- Bobby Denver: [crooning] You started something, When you said goodbye, You started something, When you made me cry...
- Barnaby Brady: Curious pathological phenomenon, these crooners. Cardboard lovers for disappointed wives.
- John Bentley: My wife is not disappointed.
- Barnaby Brady: How do you know?
- John Bentley: [to Stella] I suppose I ought to feel flattered that you came home the other day with your hat on!
- John Bentley: Hit is Holis!
- [singing]
- John Bentley: If your sweetheart, Sends a letter, Of your's back, It's no secret, You'll feel better, If you cry, When your waking, From a bad dream, Don't you sometimes, Think its real, But, it's only, False emotions, That you you feel...
- Party girl: What do we got to do?
- Dr. Hermann Schneider: Drink! Be gay! Dance! Perhaps a little fun and games.
- Dr. Hermann Schneider: Young lady, lend me your ear.
- Pearl Delaney: What do you think you are? Marlon Brando?
- John Bentley: Pearl, I am not going to immortalize you for posterity.
- Pearl Delaney: You leave my posterity out of this!
- Dr. Hermann Schneider: How would your wife react if one day you bring home a girl friend?
- John Bentley: What are you suggesting?
- Dr. Hermann Schneider: That you change your way of living. It is a reaction to your own respectability that has made your family fall for this bohemian crooner. So, stop being respectable.
- John Bentley: What?
- Dr. Hermann Schneider: From now on, you will live in such a way that will make the Folies Bergère seem like a kindergarten.
- John Bentley: Didn't Schneider explain anything to you? Our relationship, my dear, is no more than that of a managing director and his private secretary.
- Pearl Delaney: Oh, sir!
- [moves in for a cuddle and a kiss]
- John Bentley: [singing] If your heartache seems to hang around too long, And your blues keep gettin' bluer with each song, Remember sunshine can be found behind a cloudy sky, So let your hair down and go on and cry...
- Pearl Delaney: [singing] Come do the Hokey Pokey Polka, Dance to the Hokey Pokey Polka, She slaps you, You slap her, Then you bravely slap each other, First you kiss, Then you break it, And show her you can really take it, Then if you want to know what pleases. Go home and try it on the Missus, At a party or ball, You can have a free-for-all, So come do the Hokey Pokey Polka...
- Bobby Denver: [singing] They're just two fakers, Heartbreakers, Playing the game with skill, They promise a crazy thrill, That her lips and arms will never fullfill...
- Stella Bentley: What's the matter with you, dear?
- Gwen Bentley: I ruined him?.
- Stella Bentley: Who?
- Gwen Bentley: Bobby.
- Stella Bentley: Last night, I thought it was the other way around.
- John Bentley: Ah, good evening, Stella.
- Stella Bentley: Who is this brazen hussy?
- John Bentley: She's not brazen, dear. She's blonde. You must get yourself some glasses.
- John Bentley: Stella, I'm grateful to you.
- Stella Bentley: Grateful?
- John Bentley: Oh, yes. You were perfectly right. Up to now, I've lead a dull, drab, monotonous life. But, now I've had a little fling. And once more, I'm going on having little flings. I find I like little flings.
- Stella Bentley: When I looked in the mirror this morning, I thought I looked tired and ugly. I said, I thought I looked tired and ugly.
- John Bentley: I'm not arguing dear.