The Ladykillers (1955)

Alec Guinness: Professor Marcus

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Quotes 

• Professor Marcus : You're most kind, and if I may say so, you have a very curious and charming house. Such, um, pretty windows.

  Louisa Wilberforce : Oh, thank you,

  Louisa Wilberforce : [pointing to a window]  And I rather favour positions...

  Professor Marcus : [interrupting]  I always think the windows are the eyes of a house, and didn't someone say the eyes are the windows of the soul?

  Louisa Wilberforce : I don't really know. Oh, it's such a charming thought, I do hope someone expressed it!

• Professor Marcus : [after Louis has 'dealt' with the Major on the roof]  Well, where is he? Where *is* the Major? Is he up there still?

  Harry : No, no, he, uh, he come down.

  Professor Marcus : Well bring him here!

  Harry : He come down... with the chimney-pot.

  Professor Marcus : With the chimney...?

  [Harry chuckles] 

  Professor Marcus : Is he hurt?

  Louis : I shouldn't think he felt a thing.

• Professor Marcus : One-Round, there is a wheelbarrow outside, could you fetch it? The Major has a train to catch.

• One-Round : I said nobody was to do her!

  Louisa Wilberforce : [Begins attacking Louis, who beats him continuously over the head with a blackjack. Mrs. Wilberforce comes out of the next room]  Mr. Harvey!

  One-Round : I said - I said nobody was to do Mrs. Lopsided!

  Louisa Wilberforce : Stop that!

  [Louis hits One-Round one last time with the blackjack] 

  Louisa Wilberforce : What *are* you doing?

  Louisa Wilberforce : [adjusting her hat]  And who is "Mrs. Lopsided," may I ask? Where is Mr. Robinson?

  One-Round : He's, uh, he's outside.

  Louisa Wilberforce : Somebody took the key. The cello case is gone!

  One-Round : It's, uh, out there too.

  Louisa Wilberforce : Well... bring it in.

  Louisa Wilberforce : [as One-Round heads outside]  I fell asleep. Somebody took the key out of my pocket. I'm *very* angry!

  Professor Marcus : As you have every right to be. It's disgraceful, Mrs. Wilberforce, shameful! Mr. Robinson will answer for it.

  Louisa Wilberforce : [as One-Round brings in the cello case]  I'll take that, thank you. Professor Marcus, this is another black mark against you. I shall certainly tell the police.

  Professor Marcus : [as Mrs. Wilberforce goes back into the next room and shuts the door behind her]  What happened?

  One-Round : I thought they'd, uh, done 'er in. I thought, uh, I thought Harry done 'er.

  Professor Marcus : So?

  One-Round : So all right, I made a mistake!

  Professor Marcus : [putting his face in his hand]  Put him in the barrow...

• [driving past the police station, they see their case of money sitting in the doorway] 

  Harry : I don't believe it. I don't *believe* it!

  Louis : Shut up.

  One-Round : It's just... sitting there... look, couldn't we...?

  Professor Marcus : No one, I hope, is going to suggest that we steal it.

• Professor Marcus : [as Professor Marcus hears the parrots chattering downstairs]  What's that? Who's talking?

  Louisa Wilberforce : Well, it's only General Gordon. He belonged to my late husband. I had four.

  Professor Marcus : Husbands?

  Louisa Wilberforce : No, parrots. And now I've only three.

  Professor Marcus : Parrots!

• Professor Marcus : It was a great plan, except for the Human Element. So many plans fail to take into account the Human Element. Mrs. Wilberforce will always be with us. A whole army couldn't take her out. There were only 5 of us. Even with 50, 60, or even a Whole Orchestra...

• [Harry and Marcus are distracting Mrs. Wilberforce while Louis deals with the Major on the roof] 

  Louisa Wilberforce : It won't do any harm to tell you now that Major Courtney has gone to the police. They'll be here shortly.

  [there is a loud crash from outside] 

  Louisa Wilberforce : Oh! Whatever is that?

  Harry : I expect something fell off the roof, mum.

  Louisa Wilberforce : The roof?

  Harry : Probably a... chimney-pot.

  Louisa Wilberforce : A chimney-pot?

  Professor Marcus : See who it is, Harry

  [pushes Harry out the door] 

• One-Round : [looking blankly at his cello]  Are we supposed to make noises with these things? What kind o' noises?

  Louis : Who is she?

  Professor Marcus : Not "noises," One-Round, *music*!

  Louis : I said what does she mean, you...

  [Professor Marcus shushes him and turns on the record, dancing a bit to the music] 

• [Professor Marcus enters the phone booth right as the phone rings. On the other end, Claude is in another phone booth outside the train station, watching Mrs. Wilberforce collect their trunk] 

  Professor Marcus : Now, Major, before we start, let's press button A, shall we?... That's better... Major. Ma - Major! I want you to keep calm, speak quietly, and concentrate. Have you got that? Splendid. Mrs. W. should be coming into view just about...

  [hums] 

  Professor Marcus : ... now... Now she's driving away.

  [She does, but comes back] 

  Professor Marcus : . Major, Major, Major

  [throws phone book] 

  Professor Marcus : RELAX! Calm down!

  Claude : Back to the station! She's come back to the station!

  Louis : [entering phone booth]  What's wrong? Major!

  Professor Marcus : Louis! Louis!

  Louis : Major, tell me what's happening! Major!

  Professor Marcus : Louis! Louis, will you mind your own business, please!

  Harry : [Harry enters the phone booth too, and One-Round tries to squeeze in with them]  Louis! Give us a listen, Louis! Come on, let me hear, will you? I want to hear!

  Harry : [to One-Round]  Get out! Louis, I want to hear what he says!

  Louis : [to One-Round]  You get out! Major, tell me what's happening!

  Louisa Wilberforce : [coming out of the train station with her umbrella]  I'm always leaving it.

  Louis : [hearing Professor Marcus laughing]  What's she doing?

  One-Round : What's going on here?

  Professor Marcus : It's all right, it's just that she went back to get her umbrella!

• Louis : This is getting us nowhere! We must do something!

  Professor Marcus : Quite right, Mr. Harvey. We've got to tell her. Mrs. Wilberforce, I wanted to spare you this, but I'm afraid the police are after you too.

  Harry : Hey, that's right! You're as hot as the rest of us, mum.

  Louisa Wilberforce : As hot?

  Claude : If they pick her up, there's no saying what they may do to her.

  Louisa Wilberforce : Pick me up? Would you mind explaining...

  Harry : The job was planned in her house. She carried the lolly for us.

  Claude : Oh!

  Louisa Wilberforce : Yes, I-I-I know I carried the-the lolly.

  Professor Marcus : But she was ignorant of the plan, of course.

  Claude : Ignorance, in the sight of the law, is no excuse. Even if we swear that she didn't know what she was doing.

  Harry : They'd never believe us.

  One-Round : Yeah!

  Harry : Humph! Who'd believe anything we said?

  Louisa Wilberforce : Oh, but this is ridiculous! Uh? I know the Superintendent! I shall deny any knowledge...

  Professor Marcus : She'll... never stand up to it, of course.

  Harry : Really? The rubber houses?

  Professor Marcus : The rest of her life, sewing mail bags?

  Louisa Wilberforce : Mail bags?

  Harry : And no one to look after the parrots.

  Louisa Wilberforce : Oh!

  Professor Marcus : We won't let them get you, Mrs. Wilberforce!

  Louis : Why not? What's she ever done for us? If they get her, I'll tell them she planned the job. I'll tell them she planned the big one.

  Louisa Wilberforce : Oh!

  Louis : The Eastcastle Street job.

• Professor Marcus : If I may say so, Mrs Wilberforce, you have a lovely, charming house. Such pretty windows. I always feel the windows are the eyes of a house and didn't someone say that the eyes are the windows of the soul?

  Louisa Wilberforce : What a lovely thought, I do hope someone expressed it.

• Louis : [Professor Marcus and Louis Harvey are holding the late Harry Robinson by his feet, waiting for the train to pass so they can drop him in and thereby, dispose of him]  Look, uh, I make a proposition to you. I'll take care of him if you take care of her. That's a straight 50-50 split, huh?

  Professor Marcus : No, no.

  [short laugh] 

  Professor Marcus : I would rather it was the other way about. Let me have One-Round, you take care of Mrs. W.

  Louis : [the train is coming]  Wait.

  One-Round : [the train is passing and in the midst of the smoke, they dispose of Harry]  Guess who's next.

  [One Round Lawson points a gun at them] 

  Louis : [They both turn around to see One-Round holding the gun at them]  Wait a minute, One-Round. Don't shoot, don't shoot! Don't shoot. Look. We can make a deal. You'll never get away by yourself. I'll help you. Do him. He's the one who got you into this. Do him.

  One-Round : I heard ya, both of ya. I been standing here all the time. Sure, you two were gonna put me on the train. And all the time you been telling me how stupid I am. Okay. So who looks stupid now, eh?

  Louis : [One-Round tries to shoot them, but nothing happens. He looks down and knows something is wrong, but keeps trying to fire at them. Soon, the smoke from a passing train envelops him. When the smoke finally clears, Louis Harvey rises from bottom holding One-Round's gun]  The safety catch was on.

• Professor Marcus : [Professor Marcus and his gang are discussing how to do away with Mrs. Wilberforce]  It ought to look like an accident.

  Harry : How about suicide?

  Claude : What do you mean?

  Harry : Well, get her to write a note, you know. "I just couldn't stand it no more. Signed, Mrs. Wilberforce." And then somebody goes down and hangs her. Hmm?

  Louis : Very funny.

  Harry : You got a better idea?

• Claude : [the gang is waiting inside the car for One-Round, whose cello case is caught in the crack of the front door of Mrs. Wilberforce's flat]  What is that moron playing at?

  One-Round : [yelling]  It's stuck in the door. The case is stuck...

  Harry : [interrupting]  Well, ring the bell, brains. Don't just stand there.

  Harry : [One-Round rings the bell]  Thank you.

  Professor Marcus : [One-Round keeps tugging at the cello case while Mrs. Wilberforce approaches the door to answer it. All of a sudden, because of One-Round's constant tugging, the cello case rips open, causing all of the banknotes inside of it to flutter out just when Mrs. Wilberforce opens the door and catches him in the act. Seconds later, everyone in the car quickly comes out to help One-Round stuff all of the banknotes back into the case. Professor Marcus tries to put everything at ease]  It's all right, Mrs. Wilberforce. Everything's under control. Goodbye.

  Professor Marcus : [Professor Marcus closes the door, but Mrs. Wilberforce is still a little skeptical. She cautiously opens the door, after a few seconds of hesitation]  Goodbye.

  [Professor Marcus closes the door again] 

• Professor Marcus : We are rather proud of Mr Harvey's Timbre.