Major Race: Is that your wife?

Lt. Col. Hyde: Yes.

Major Race: Is she dead?

Lt. Col. Hyde: No, no. I regret to say the bitch is still going strong.

Major Race: [after Hyde has explained his plan]

Major Race: Alright, I'm sold. I'll sign on, for the duration.

Lt. Col. Hyde: On my terms? Equal shares for all?

Major Race: Well, if you insist on this socialistic nonsense, yes. You're losing a friend, but gaining a second-in-command.

Lt. Col. Hyde: I'll settle for that.

[they drink a toast]

Mycroft: [playing a Brigadier inspecting the training camp in response to some private who has 'complained to his MP' regarding the food]

[enters Mess Hall]

Mycroft: Carry on eating. Any complaints here?

Captain Saunders: Come along now. Answer the Brigadier.

Other Private in Mess: No, Sir.

Mycroft: You're, um, quite satisfied with the food. You can speak quite freely.

Chunky Grogan: Well, er, no, Sir. Not always, Sir.

[CSM gives a menacing look]

Mycroft: What exactly don't you like about it?

Chunky Grogan: Well, er, they sometimes give you good grub, sir, but, er, they mess it about like.

Mycroft: How do you mean, mess it about?

Chunky Grogan: Well, take Sunday, Sir. I mean, er, we had a fair whack of the old roast and that and gravy and stuff, but they messed it about like. You know.

Mycroft: Specifically?

Chunky Grogan: Beg your pardon sir?

Mycroft: What did they do to it?

Chunky Grogan: Oh1 Oh, well, I'm not a cook am I? I only go by what I taste, like, and, er, it didn't taste right, see. It sort of tasted like they'd messed it about, like.

Mycroft: What's this man's name?

Captain Saunders: Mmm?

C.S.M.: Grogan, Sir.

Mycroft: That's all, is it?

Chunky Grogan: Well, that was only last Sunday, sir.

Mycroft: What about today's meal?

Chunky Grogan: Oh, well, very fair, sir. You know, if you like eggs. I mean, they're not great favourites of mine, but, er, you've gotta eat them to keep your strength up, like.

Mycroft: [sucks air through teeth] Yes.

[walks off with entourage]

Other Private in Mess: [other privates at table congratulate worthy Grogan, clapping him on the back] Well done, Rolly.

Chunky Grogan: Well, bleedin' asked me, didn't he?

Weaver: Nothing in the Stop Press?

Lexy: No, just "Vicar On Grave Charge".

Stevens: It's like being in school.

Lexy: I sincerely hope not.

Lexy: [asked if he's hoping for a dirty weekend with his girlfriend] I'm hoping for a dirty year. If I live that long.

Lt. Col. Hyde: Enjoy your meal, gentlemen. You know the old saying, "The rich man eats when you will, a poor man when you can."

Lt. Col. Hyde: Oh, one can't bother cooking for oneself.

Major Race: Well, remember rule two, old darling. Never get ahead of the mob. They're liable to shoot you in the arse.

Lt. Col. Hyde: And you said you weren't nasty.

Major Race: Oh, I'm not. It's just the way my mind works sometimes. You know - in vicious circles.

Lt. Col. Hyde: Your presence here restores my basic disbelief in the goodness of human nature.