Mister Ed: Well, time to hit the hay... oh I forgot, I ate it!

Mister Ed: Don't yell at me, Wilbur, I'm not your wife.

Wilbur Post: I've been meaning to ask you, Ed. Just how do horses sleep standing up?

Mister Ed: [Shocked] We Do?

Wilbur Post: Didn't you know?

Mister Ed: How can I? When I'm asleep my eyes are closed!

Wilbur Post: [after Mister Ed makes a great shot in a ring toss game] Good throw, Ed! I bet you're also good at pitching horseshoes!

Mister Ed: No, Wilbur, I don't play horseshoes.

Wilbur Post: Really? Why not?

Mister Ed: Because Mom always taught us kids not to throw our clothes around!

Mister Ed: What do you say we go out riding and pick up a couple of fillies?

Wilbur Post: I'm not a horse, remember?

Mister Ed: Too bad, we could have a ball double dating.

[opening line of each episode]

Mister Ed: Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

Mister Ed: [impatiently] Let's Go Wilbur!

Wilbur Post: Go? You're on the bottom!

Mister Ed: Sorry! I forgot!

Wilbur Post: Ed, you have run away for the last time! I'm going to lock you in your stall.

Mister Ed: Don't do that Wilbur! I suffer from claustrophobia!

Wilbur Post: Claustrophobia? You mean you have a fear of confined spaces?

Mister Ed: Sure, it runs in the family. I even get nervous when I put my nose in a small feedbag.

[Wilbur finds Mister Ed sleeping in his living room]

Wilbur Post: Oh no.

Mister Ed: If you had a dog, you'd let him sleep in the house.

Wilbur Post: A dog is different. A dog is a household pet.

Mister Ed: Then call me "Rover" and wake me at eight.

Wilbur Post: [after Ed finds a straw hat] What are you going to do with a straw hat?

Mister Ed: I'll wear it till it goes out of style. Then I'll eat it!

[repeated line]

Mister Ed: Holler, but don't hit.

Mister Ed: You should never have told me horses sleep standing up, it gave me a mental block.

Mister Ed: I love Christmas. Wilbur is so full of the spirit of giving, and I'm so full of the spirit of receiving.

Mister Ed: Stop gabbin' and get me some oats!

Wilbur Post: Ed, I've got a wife in my house.

Mister Ed: Don't tell me your troubles, I've got my own!

Carol Post: A diamond ring! Wilbur, you shouldn't have done it...!

Wilbur Post: They always say it right after you've done it.

Mister Ed: Oh Wilbur! I want to play with my set!

Wilbur Post: Ed, I told you not to spy on our new neighbors.

Mister Ed: I'm not spying, I'm just exercising my eyes!

[repeated line, when Ed has gotten him into trouble]

Wilbur Post: Thanks a lot, Ed!

Roger Addison: [when he sees Wilbur's wife up in his arms again] Aren't you people overdoing this a bit?

Mister Ed: You love me more than you love your wife, don't you, buddy boy?

Wilbur Post: I only expect you to act like a normal human horse!

Wilbur Post: [after Gordon's car has been completely wrecked] Gee. Now you can hardly see my scratch!

[repeated line]

Wilbur Post: Ed, what's the matter?

[repeated line]

Mister Ed: I don't have to stay where I'm not wanted.