9 August 2015 | Michael_Elliott
About As Bad as a Nudist Film Will Get
Goldilocks and the Three Bares (1963)
1/2 (out of 4)
Our film takes place at a local club where we meet a singer and a comedian. Soon the two friends meet a couple nice girls who they fall for but the poor guys just can't understand what their women are doing on the weekends when they disappear. They decide to follow and it turns out that the women are members of a nudist colony.
Look, it takes a special kind of person to be able to sit through these nudist camp movies. I understand back in the day men didn't have many options if they wanted to see nude women on a big screen so they were forced to go see these movies. Today, well, let's just say there are more and better options. Of all the nudist movies made by Herschell Gordon Lewis, this here is the worst I've seen to date for a number of reasons.
For starters, the 69 minute running time drags on forever. I really mean it when I say that because this thing felt longer than ROOTS. Another problem is the fact that it's just downright weird in its structure. It takes twenty minutes before we see the first bit of nudity and it's pretty much just a flash. It's over forty minutes before we actually get a good view of the nudist colony. The majority of the running time is the club acts where we get some horrendous comedy bits and pretty bland singing.
GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BARES has a terrific title but it's not used anywhere in the actual film. It's too bad because I'm sure it would have been more interesting than the mess we eventually got.