21 November 2014 | utgard14
"Life has its way of making boys grow up and, with marriage, Martin's time had come."
Holy crap what did I just sit through? A tour-de-crap from Vic Savage, who produced, directed, and starred in this travesty. The story (like it matters) is about a newlywed sheriff and his bride trying to stop a carpet monster from outer space. The entire thing is narrated like a badly-written book. The narrator describes the scenes as we're watching them! What the hell was with the obsession with marriage vs bachelorhood? Talk about someone working out their issues through their "art." I felt like I just listened to Vic Savage's therapy sessions. The movie's budget must have been whatever Savage found in his couch cushions. The monster literally looks like pieces of carpet mixed with the contents of a garbage can draped over some people crawling along at a snail's pace. The awful sound effects they use when it's growling or gurgling or whatever will make your ears bleed.
It is terrible in a way that defies belief but there is something fascinating about it. I must have shook my head and said "this must be a joke" a dozen times while watching it. That anyone could try to pass this off as a movie boggles my mind. The entire production would have to improve by a million percent just to be considered amateur. I've seen more riveting home movies than this. Objectively, it's one of the worst movies of all time. The only thing redeeming about it is that it has some "so bad it's good" qualities. If you watch it with friends you can all make fun of it, which improves the viewing experience but doesn't change the fact that it's a really a shitty movie. I'm giving it a 2 solely for the giggles at its incompetence. I reserve 1's for movies that should be fed to carpet monsters.