A Thousand Clowns (1965)

William Daniels: Albert

Photos 

Quotes 

• Albert : You are not a person, Mr. Burns. You are an experience!

• Albert : Miss Markowitz did not show up in Queens yesterday.

  Murray : So?

  Albert : Her parents are quite upset. I am quite upset. Where is she?

  Murray : She's hiding in the closet.

  Albert : We're really all quite anxious to know where she is.

  Murray : Well, I'm not kidding, Albert. She's in the closet.

  Albert : [Goes to closet, opens door, looks in, closes door, walks back]  She is in the closet.

  Murray : I wouldn't lie to you, Albert.

  Albert : Why is she in the closet?

  Murray : Well, I don't know. She's got this thing about closets.

  Albert : That's a very silly thing for her to be in that closet.

  Murray : Well, don't knock it until you've tried it.

• Albert : I was not aware that Nicholas was an O.W. child.

  Murray : O.W.?

  Albert : Out of wedlock.

  Murray : For a moment there, I thought you meant prisoner of war. I think it's that natural warmth of yours, Albert, that leads me to misunderstand.

• Albert : Would you care to describe the circumstances under which you left the employ of...

  Murray : I quit.

  Albert : You felt that this was not the work for you.

  Murray : No, I felt that I wasn't reaching all the boys and girls out there in television land. Actually, it was not so much I wasn't reaching the boys and girls, but the boys and girls were starting to reach me. Six months ago a perfectly adult bartender asked me if I'd like an onion in my martini, and I said, "Gosh and gollies, you betcha!" Well, I knew it was time to quit.

• Albert : ...after I leave here... from this place... from your mind. And regardless of what you think of me...

  Murray : I think you're a dirty O.W.

  Albert : [slight pause]  And do you know what you are? Maladjusted!

  Murray : Ooh!

  [Strikes heart and sinks to the floor]