3 November 2004 | Poseidon-3
Fantastic Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea Hunt for Red October.
A familiar cast, colorful underwater photography and unintentional laughs help make this completely unrealistic adventure film palatable. Due to increased seismic activity around the globe, a team of experts is assigned to float around the oceans of the world in a tiny submarine, planting sensors that will help predict underwater earthquakes. Bridges and Kelly (who earned their fins on the TV shows "Sea Hunt" and "Flipper", respectively) head up the mission, each competing to see who can most often rip their shirt off at a moments notice in order to fix some problem. Other scientists on board are older, rather colorless Thompson, bespectacled McCallum, reluctant Wynn and curvy, brassy blonde Eaton who boards the sub in white heels and a dress with a slit up the side. They trot around the globe as if it's the size of The Gulf of Mexico, planting their sensors (which, ludicrously, must explode in order to be anchored to the ground!) and experiencing various inter-personal conflicts. Moments after the credits have ended, credibility has already been jettisoned. Kelly, in a diving bell, gets knocked by a whale and Bridges dives 150 feet down without benefit of air and leisurely peeks in the window and knocks on the door! Later, he swims down to Wynn's underwater lair and, when his tank runs out, Wynn somehow (by benefit of an unseen Bat Pole?) goes from casual street clothes to a skin tight diving suit within seconds to rescue him! Also, unbelievably, Thompson proposes marriage to Eaton, yet she's already shacked up with McCallum previous to the mission and now has her sights set on Kelly! Small world! She claims not to be leading any of the men on, yet continuously gives it the "look at my body" act, up to and including an Esther Williams-esque swim in which she swirls her blonde mane towards the sub window and extends her bikini-clad body to it's fullest extent! Term papers could be written about the many, many scientific implausibilities of the film, but it's more fun to just sit back and make fun of the hysterically bad plotting and direction. Watch as Eaton and Kelly stare longingly at each other JUST AS two fish swim by and seem to nuzzle each other before disappearing behind a rock to do God knows what. Then they share a Doris and Rock-style moment with them each in bed, back to back, aching for each other over a cigarette. Who cares if the world may explode any minute? They're hot for each other, darn it! There are two guinea pigs on board. Watch for the second time the sub pitches forward and one of them finds it's face buried squarely in the behind of the other. By the way, Thompson loses Eaton, but seems perfectly happy to have wound up with these two rodents as a consolation prize. If one decompresses his brain for two hours, the film does have some interesting imagery, creative situations and manages to have some degree of suspense wondering who, if anyone, will die. Viewers looking for logic, reality or even sense, will be highly disappointed.