- Steve Donovan: You can't do this to us, we're Americans
- Marty Johnson: Not only that, we're from Pittsburgh!
- Professor Werner von Koenig: [woken up from snoring with his eyes open, German accent] I was only following orders!
- Steve Donovan: [after being kissed for 43 seconds by Micheline] Hey, what are you doin', honey?
- Micheline: Oh, if you don't know, baby, you're in trouble.
- J. Fredrick Duval: Schubach is one of the six billionaires in the world. Shippings, banks, oil, gold, and owner of one of the world's greatest art collections. What he can't buy, he takes.
- Steve Donovan: So, we're having a run of bad luck. So what. It's just temporary. Things are are gonna get much better. Besides, isn't this better than blowin' sax in a band at four o'clock in the morning?
- Voice: Ladies and Gentlemen, we would like to stop this motion picture at this moment. Please notice the man standing in the doorway. He will play a very important part in this picture. Notice this 1937 Touring Auburn. It too will play an important part in this picture. Now, this young lady may not be important to the picture; however, she is a *very* close friend of the producer.
- Micheline: Rasputin, we need some more Chianti for the Italian customers. Oui? Oh, and where ever you see an American sitting, put a nice big bowl of potato chips.
- Micheline: Marty, talk to him.
- Marty Johnson: What about?
- Micheline: Tell him about marriage and happiness.
- Marty Johnson: Make up your mind, which one?
- Steve Donovan: [singing] That lady, She was, oh, so delectable, But, not so respectable, That chick, chick, chiquitita, Was quite a cheater...
- Micheline: Cigars, cigarettes? Cigars, cigarettes, marriage?
- Steve Donovan: Not buying, thank you.
- Micheline: But, the price is right. All you have to do is never look at another woman as long as you live.
- Steve Donovan: Honey, you just blew a sale.
- German Colonel: [rehearsing a scene on a movie set] Look who's going to conquer the world, huh? Vere going to be in London by Christmas. Christmas 1999! We'll be there - with lots of luck!
- German Colonel: [rehearsing a scene on a movie set] So, you call yourselves German soldiers, ya? How could it happen? How could it possibly happen? How could the whole German Army let a bunch of crazy Yankee Doodles steal an entire train?
- Papa Leo: Now, gentlemen, my good friends, here are the lost arms of the Venus de Milo - and I want the rest of her.
- Marty Johnson: What's such a nice person like you doing in such a dangerous business?
- Police Officer: It keeps me in nylons.
- J. Fredrick Duval: Schubach, you're no fool. Let's make a deal. Let us out of here safely and I'll see that you only get the guillotine.
- Zoltan Schubach: No, I'm afraid it's your neck, Duval.
- Steve Donovan: All right, Marty, you heard our orders.
- Marty Johnson: Yes, sir! What are they?
- Steve Donovan: Find them THEM guys and tail 'em.
- Marty Johnson: Look, can't we talk this over like a couple of adult spies? Let's sit down around a table and negotiate! And maybe have a nice egg cream?