Hymie Kelly: [narrating] Man, he wanted to swallow Hollywood like a cat with a canary. And he did it! The parts got bigger, and Frankie was hooked! Like a junkie shooting pure quicksilver into his veins, Frankie got turned on by the wildest narcotic known to man: success! The parts got bigger and bigger... Frankie got hungrier and hungrier.
Frankie Fane: You a tourist or a native?
Kay Bergdahl: Take one from column A and two from column B, you get an egg roll either way.
Frankie Fane: [laughing] I have a feeling I'm not gonna get anywhere with you.
Kay Bergdahl: All depends, where you'd like to get.
Frankie Fane: Mostly I'd like to get alone with you somewhere.
Hymie Kelly: [thinking] You finally made it, Frankie! Oscar night! And here you sit, on top of a glass mountain called "success." You're one of the chosen five, and the whole town's holding its breath to see who won it. It's been quite a climb, hasn't it, Frankie? Down at the bottom, scuffling for dimes in those smokers, all the way to the top. Magic Hollywood! Ever think about it? I do, friend Frankie, I do...
Kay: Sometimes I get the feeling, Frankie, you ought to be chained up with a ring in your nose.
Frankie Fane: So just go sliding back in there and tell 'em game called on account of Oscar. That's right. *Oscar*.
Bob Hope: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the annual Academy Award show. This is Hollywood's big night, so naturally we're holding it in Santa Monica.
Bob Hope: I'm emceeing the awards because they wanted someone who could lose and keep smiling...
Bob Hope: - and I've had the most practice.
Bob Hope: This night means a lot to everyone in the movie industry. This is the night war and politics are forgotten, and we find out who we *really* hate.
[audience laughs and applauds]
Laurel Scott: [sighs] Things haven't been going so good for us the past couple of months, have they?
Frankie Fane: What you mean is, I'm not workin', so I'm a creep!
Laurel Scott: You could get a job, Frankie. It wouldn't kill you.
Frankie Fane: [grabs Laurel] Tell me all about it. You twitch your hips and you think that's ten years on the road guy. Well, nobody ever gave me a dime that I didn't have to sweat for! So knock off with this lazy slob routine!
Laurel Scott: You hurt me, Frankie!
Frankie Fane: Send me a bill.
Kay Bergdahl: You're wasting your time. I'm not the kind of woman who uses sex as a release or, or even as a weapon.
Frankie Fane: You always talk like that?
Kay Bergdahl: I try.
Frankie Fane: Then do me a favor, will ya, try droppin' it with me, I'm not that smart. You free thinkers confuse me.
Kay Bergdahl: Let me put it this way. I think I have more to offer than just my body.
Frankie Fane: [mocking] Now I understand.
Kay Bergdahl: I am the end result of everything I've ever learned, all I ever hope to be, and all the experiences I've ever had.
Frankie Fane: How many experiences have you had?
Kay Bergdahl: None. But when the right time comes I'll be special for some man. So it's worth waiting for.
Laurel Scott: Ever since we hit this town you've been living off me. If you think I'm gonna work my tail off so you can run around with the Village chicks... oh, stop spreading the pollen around, Frankie, or else!
Frankie Fane: Or else what? You'll chop my allowance? You'll turn me out of your warm bed? You're *nothin'*, that's what! So can that "or else" crap!
Frankie Fane: Wha... Why do I... Why do I always try to destroy the people I love?
Hymie Kelly: [narrating] He was living in a posh place just off the Strip. It was a far cry from the motels we used to crawl into. It had hot and cold running everything!
Hymie Kelly: [narrating] Frankie found himself married, but, uh, he still couldn't change his feelings about women. So his only avenue was escape. He employed the slimy services of the Hymie Kelly broad-procuring agency. I was running out of numbers! He used 'em like Kleenex! Once, and threw 'em away!
Kay Bergdahl: Hymie, deep thinker, explain to me the ethical structure of the universe.
Kay Bergdahl: Do you know what I do, Hymie? I count nights. I found a Freudian substitute for counting sheep. I count empty nights.
Kenneth Regan: These are exhibitors' reports, they speak very clearly and very loudly. They say do not send any more Frank Fane product. Send *botulism* or *typhus*, don't send Fain.
Alfred 'Kappy' Kapstetter: Look, I'm - I'm not trying to hurt you, I'm just trying to clear away the fog between you and reality.
Hymie Kelly: [narrating] But Frankie couldn't face reality because he'd lost touch with it.
Frankie Fane: When you tell it straight you don't do any polka, do you.
Hymie Kelly: You must be suffering from oxygen starvation!
Hymie Kelly: Take it easy. It's not gonna help if you get a thrombo!
Alfred 'Kappy' Kapstetter: Have you ever seen a moth smashed against a window? Leaves the dust of its wing. You're like that, Frankie. You leave a powder of dirt everywhere you touch.
Trina Yale: Sure, Barney never reveals his clients. If he did he'd be killing the goose that lays his golden rotten eggs.
Hymie Kelly: If you lie down with pigs, you get up smelling like garbage.